Something I wanted to remind myself when I was posting to Ss...
I think the possibility of R is better gauged by H's treatment of others than by his treatment of me. The insight started creeping up on me reading GoatGal's thread and the shift in how GUBU/H is treating the animals lately.
My H had the kids for about three hours today and during that time the boys played xBox and watched TV and D11 worked on a school project in another room. I chaperoned S8 on a really great field trip today and H doesn't know. S8 is reluctant to share with him and didn't talk about it. (Learning these things is how I got S8 to admit he didn't feel comfortable sharing his feelings with me or H but that he would talk to the guidance counselor).
I see these kids every day and I spend at least some of that drinking them in. I miss them when they're gone even for the weekend and I let them know it. I tell them I'm lucky to be their mom, that I'm proud of them. We have family rituals, and it is important to me that we make plans together so that we can look forward to things together, and also so that if they have desires or preferences we can take them into account. That's the kind of family I want us to be and I am delighted to see that happening. I also am so lucky to get to hear about the ways they share these things with others, which reinforces me.
I don't believe H had that very much growing up. I had more of it but certainly no input, nor much sense that my parents took any pleasure in being my parents.
When my H looks like he's getting pleasure from his relationship with the kids, then I'll know he's more ready for adult relationships. Till then, I think he's just going through motions.
Is that the healing message I got from my reiki treatment tonight? It feels true.
Also I think that answers my item 3 above.
Hmmmm...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
The opportunity to meet with some new people is yours today. If you are looking for that perfect love, then be different. If you stay in the same old routine, you will fall into the same old type of relationship. If you feel the need for a change, then change yourself from within first of all. Dress differently, go to new places, and see what transpires.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I like this horoscope. I am stealing it for myself!
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Super proud of my boys today. S8 wrote a note to the guidance counselor all on his own asking for an appointment. On the way home he and S6 and I were talking about it and I asked if they wanted to share their thoughts. S6 was really articulate in saying that he wanted the time split more evenly between me and H, and that he wanted us to be a family again. It stung to hear that he wanted a week with H and a week with me because the bright spot in all this has been my getting to be so close to the kids. I would miss them if I had to split time 50/50. But I'm proud of him, because that must have been hard to say to me. (He said our time together was like a trapezoid because the time he spends with me is long and the time he spends with H is short.)
S8 was more reserved but agreed that he wanted to split the time more evenly. He said I'd said no because of logistics but I told him that he could talk to H about it. Given that he already tried to and got a fairly terse answer, I did say that it was important to talk about your feelings even when you didn't like the answer because sometimes unexpected solutions come up when you share what you need wih others.
I worry so much about my kids. I want them to have better coping skills than my H when they are grown. I worry that I overcompensate for that fear. I worry about how rejected they might feel by H, and I worry about S8 feeling he has the responsibility to comfort me when I am sad. I worry about responding honestly when they say they miss our family and want it back -- because I agree with them, and I want to validate how they feel, but if they share this with H I don't want him feeling I'm throwing him under the bus. Even though these choices are entirely his. But I don't want it to be punitive.
I have decided that I will be happy no matter what happens, and that I will do the best I can to give my kids the skills to decide to be happy too. It's possible -- maybe even likely -- that I will end up divorced. If I do, I know how I will conduct myself. I will be my best self as much as I can. I will make decisions that support my core beliefs. And I absolutely will be happy in my core.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
You know, it's been a month since I've had any non-kid related conversation with my husband, and I'm ok. We hadn't enjoyed one another's company in a couple of years. But I know we're capable of enjoying one another's company, and when I see him I know I feel love for him. But I worry that we'll drift into this huge decision to divorce just out of sheer apathy. Nobody's bothering him so he has no incentive to move closer to me. He no longer calls the kids on the days he doesn't spend with them, so he can maintain the idea that except for being a little down, they're better off with him out of the house.
I feel like it's the idea of marriage I'm standing for rather than the actual guy I married. Does anyone else feel this way?
I'm kind of in that place Claire & 25 described, where if he wants back he knows where to find me, I'm fine either way. That's a little scary. I don't trust that he has enough strength of will to come back. And I don't know how smooth the road home is. (Although I can see him assuming that I'm pining for him indefinitely, since I did give that impression for a long time.)
All will be well, and all will be well...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Yeah, you're standing for the principle. Like I've been telling myself. If we expected our WAS's to remain committed when they didn't feel love under the premise that feelings could change and follow with loving behavior, we the. Have to do the same thing. We can't expect them to have character if we don't. Only difference is we have no guarantees it will reward us in the way we had hoped originally. But I think looking back its better to err on the side of DBing too long, even if you have serious doubts. My plan is not to DB until I'm done grieving, but until the bridges are ALL burned.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I hear you Maybell. But you probably already guessed this would resonate with me.
Quote:
I don't trust that he has enough strength of will to come back.
I think of this a lot, too. Like, maybe he needs a little nudge to get him moving.
And, then, I also think... is that the kind of man I want to spend my life with? Someone I had to 'nudge' to come back to me? Maybe your H is retreating-- for now-- to give him the space and clarity to work on what he needs to. Or maybe he's not. There's no way to know, and nothing to do about it.
I think my tactic now is to continue to be the dignified, strong, mature woman I've promised myself I would be. If your H reaches out, can you be friendly while still maintaining the boundary you need right now?
The WAS usually has to experience some type of "loss" that shakes them to their very core before they reverse their direction and start coming out of the fog or their waywardness.
I'm not yet wise enough to offer you advice on your thoughts tonight. But this comment came to mind. Do you think you're dangling simply because he knows you want him, he's not worried about losing the possibility of you, he knows you don't want to find someone else....any combination of the above or other "comfortable" thoughts for him?
Sounds like sandi's above quote fits your WAH perfectly, at this point.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
