Spent the day on a really enjoyable field trip with S8's class.
Son of the woman H may or may not have been chasing was on the field trip too, which kept me triggering. Spent part of the day obsessing and part praying and part saying "Stop thinking about him!"
What is my purpose in putting up with this? I feel like a Griselda, patiently waiting for him to come home so I can exchange one kind of pain for another.
But then I imagine navigating a step family and it seems like trying to salvage the marriage would be preferable.
And then I think, what would I do with H that I can't do by myself?
I'm in this weird place where I am both ok and also heartsick.
And the anxiety of anticipating adding a full-time job to all this change is making me queasy.
I'm so scared.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
(Like "Don't think about the polka-dotted talking Octopus on the dining room table, right smack in the mashed potatoes.")
---- have something else lined up. Like on a record album. (You remember those, right?)
Pick up the stylus and put it on another track.
"What is my next GAL activity? How can I make the most of it?" And "What can I do for ME today?"
This is my #1 go-to for changing my thoughts.
And yeah. What would you do with H that you wouldn't do by yourself?
Maybe DO THAT exact thing. It would be pushing your boundaries--in a good way.
Then think of all the things you can do that H would never do.
Like going swing dancing with the Goat Gal.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
GoatGal, I think the thing I'll have knee up to think about the next time I'm in that situation will be a polka-dotted talking octopus in a bowl of mashed potatoes.
If he was chasing her, she's another one he'd never bring home to his family. So why do I sweat it?
I'm really terrified at the prospect of resuming full-time work. It would be a tough transition happily married. As things are, I'm just so scared. What will this change do to my kids? It's easy to lay it at his door, but when it comes down to it that's where my fear is coming from. And I'm sad at this ending. There was a lot I have hated about being home alone, but I enjoyed so much time with the kids.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Hahaha! It has stuck in my head ever since I wrote that!
It think it would help even more to have the Octopus spouting some sage DBing wisdom, a la Yoda.
In a very serious voice:
"You KNOW, don't you, Maybell, that this is just him acting stupid.
You, my dear, are NOT stupid and you can train your mind to let go of negative thoughts like these.
Might I add-- you're making a lot more of it than he might be himself. Not to mention her, for she might not give his silliness a second thought. She might even feel sorry for the poor desperate fellow. And he IS desperate. You know that, right?
YOU, dear Maybell, will be fine. You have a happy place inside you and the rest of your life to work this out.
Which is why you need to fill YOUR pretty little head with positive thoughts that reflect the knowledge that you don't have to worry about what he's doing. You're supposed to be too busy making yourself happy!
This wisdom, which I impart to you free of charge, will help free your soul so it can rise to a higher plane.
However--- donations are happily accepted!
Please deposit cash into the gravy boat at the opposite end of the table. I also accept personal checks with two forms of I.D.
Thank you in advance for your generosity.
And speaking of a higher plane, let me ruminate on this further while I levitate towards the ceiling in a dramatic show of personal power..."
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I think I said it in my thread and you responded if I remember right- that not all was well pre BD. I am more and more aware how easy it is to assume that all of my problems, fears, pain, and longing are because of the pending D. But he reality is that I have always had pain, fear, and longing in my life. Why is this so easy to pretend? I feel like it gives us an easier problem to deal with. Restoring a relationship is hard, but easier than accepting our mortality.
So I think recognizing fear from a new job is good. It proves you are seeing not all of life's problems are because of said octopus!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Must be the Calamari...(although as a stickler for details, I must add that I know darn well that would be SQUID, not Octopus. So, "Polipo" then.)
I just figured as long as the Octopus is going to speak, he might as well say something useful.
And if I made you laugh, even better.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
1. Laughter is the best medicine. 2. Reiki healing tonight. I'm not ALL better, but something shifted and there is a healing space in me where the bowling ball was. 3. What does a really awesome, mutually freeing relationship look like? If I ever knew, I can't remember. 4. S8 wants to talk to the guidance counselor!! Glory be!!!
GGG(G), there's first Friday here too.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Are you alright, GGG??