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dawgy Offline OP
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Mindsin thanks for chiming in . My sitch is not unlike alot of others on here . however i think my personality defintely is . I dont believe anyone on here has gone to the extremes I have to try and save their marriage . Most on here have been very diplomatic in their efforts . Me on the other hand have lost it several times and even gone to the physical side of things . Not really recommended to do that . Its illegal to start with and i was lucky not to get charged . Do I regret it ??? No , not at all . It showed my anger and my willingness to go to the extreme to keep my wife . But it probably didnt help me with my wife . It did chase OM away but wife still and probably will for a long time not love me . The only thing I can say is at least I stood up for myself and if she leaves she was likely going to anyway even if I had done nothing and detached . I was tired of being shait on and disrespected by the woman ive loved and cherished for 27 years. But moreso i was tired of this guy thinking I was a puss and he could just walk in and take my wife with out me standing up .


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
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Dawgy-In a way, I understand the path that you took. I have had thoughts of doing this (and worse). I know this chest thumping would never help me or our R.

A friend of a friend went this route with his W and OM. It turned out to be an embarrassment for himself, his kids, and wife. He still regrets his decision for losing it. It ended the marriage and 2 years later she married the OM.

I have thoughts that the OM must be the worst type of person in the world. How can someone have done this to his own family or mine. But then I think, the woman I love has done the same and I know that was a reaction and decision based on the troubles we were having. I don't know his story.

I find myself feeling hypocritical if I "show" this hate toward OM (though I do hate him) and am willing to forgive W. This is my inner turmoil. I know that I am a better person for it.

I hope you are well.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
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dawgy Offline OP
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No I am not well at all . Im physically and mentally sick dealing with this BS in my life . Every time i look at my wife i hurt deeply inside . Lord I just want to hold her again .I ache for her and cry for her everyday . I was doing well for awhile but have come to a point where Im mired in anguish , yearning for my sweet woman to be back again . But shes gone , and doesnt look like shes coming back anytime soon , if ever .
Trying to cope with everyday life and remain hopeful is draining beyond belief . If it wasnt for our boys I would cut her loose . Let her spread her wings and search for what she thinks she really wants .


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
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Why are the boys stopping letting her go? The current sitch is not a good environment for them to grow up in. And what do you mean "cut her loose"? Are you holding onto or controlling her in some way?

Last edited by Card29; 10/27/14 02:46 PM.

Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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Dawgy, you have to cut her loose from your life. I know it's hard to do and seems so counterintuitive. But believe me, it will give you a different perspective. You have to stop focusing on her. Focus on yourself. Work on improving yourself. Like Starsky said to me just the other day, there are 3.4 billion women in the world and there's bound to be many who would truly appreciate all you have to offer.
You have to let your W find her way. Pursuing her will drive her away for sure. Stop any pursuit. Just be yourself at your best.
It's like trying to feed a chipmunk. You have to stay very still and be patient. That's the only way there will be a possibility that they will even approach you.
Take another run at detachment. I know it's hard. God, I know. I struggle with it every day.
We're in the same boat here, all of us on this site. Sure there are different levels of despair, but there's an ebb and flow with that as well. You were doing very well a while back. Now you're going through a rough patch. It'll get better again soon. Just hang in there and work on yourself. Try reading the Tao Te Ching. It's something I read almost daily to pull me back to the center. To give me perspective. It really helps.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
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dawgy Offline OP
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Thanks Pete . Again you have given me a boost and give me some hope . Its been a rough patch for sure . Today is her birthday and I dont know what to do . I took her car on friday and had it undercoated , oil changed, tires rotated readied for winter . That was her birthday present . I wanted sooo much to get her roses and something personal and make love to her just like every year before this . Im so heartbroken that it s not going to happen like that again . I think the only reason she is still living under our roof is that she doesnt want the boys to know whats been going on .I cant figure out any other reason why . I need some guidance on how to proceed with the birthday . Dawgy


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
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Give her a funny birthday card, like you would to a neighbour.
The kids could give her the flowers.
This is not a year like every other. Face it. I know it's friggin' hard to take.
Maybe she's just as confused about everything as you are, maybe even more so. She's the one going through all the PEAs of the A and its aftermath. If she's ended it, then she'll be going through a grieving period like one would when any meaningful relationship ends. Extend some compassion her way.
Again very counterintuitive, but it's the way of DBing.

Last edited by PeterV2; 10/28/14 02:34 PM.

M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
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dawgy Offline OP
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Ive had a brutal time this week . It was hard but last night we went out as a family for her birthday supper . The boys enjoyed it and she seemed ok . I was very uncomfortable but kept it well hid . She talks to me like Im stupid , she doesnt seem to have any respect for me anymore and IM not sure why . I still work hard , pay the bills , look after vehicles and Im a great Dad to my boys . She has forgotten about everything i have done for her since she was 18 . Either that or she chooses not to think about it because it makes her feel too guilty .


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 536
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Originally Posted By: dawgy
She talks to me like Im stupid , she doesnt seem to have any respect for me anymore and IM not sure why .

I'll go ahead and say it- do you think by chance it has anything to do with the fact that you (and your son) attacked someone who at the very least was a friend of hers and have not made any attempt to apologize to her?? Think about that and let it sink in before you give your typical response that he deserved it.

Regaining that respect she once had for you is going to take more than paying the bills.



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dawgy Offline OP
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The lack of respect was going on long before I shait kicked the OM . She talked like that to me for the last few months . Like I said before , when I first found out about the affair she was very loving and caring and assurring . As the affair progressed over time she became more distant and colder . At first she said she would straighten things up and for me to relax and everything was going to be fine . Then about three months of suffering by me she comes home one day and says shes leaving . And wants me to tell our sons that the OM is a nice guy and he makes her happy . WTF?????? was she thinking , why would i roll over and do such a thing . Ever since shes asked me to do this and I said I couldnt do that and I would have to tell the truth about the affair shes turned to stone .I really wished I had have exposed way back in March and got it over with . What did i have to lose . Her I am 7 months later still being tortured and trying to keep her dirty little secret


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
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