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lostluv #2501004 10/27/14 03:22 AM
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I think it's normal for a LBS to be tempted by or interested in advances from opposite sex. For me, some of my moments during this crisis have been the most rejected, worthless, unworthy feelings of my life. Interest from another woman validates myself as a man, a mate, a person. I have been in that spot a couple of times. For me, one of two flirtations have been good to remind me that I am not completely worthless and will be okay someday if the M isn't R'd. But if I keep putting myself back into those spots just to be flirted with, then I am medicating myself and not doing anything good for myself or my M. And of course if you actually pursued another R, that wouldn't be any better than your W doing it at this point. But it seems like you agree with that


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2501006 10/27/14 03:31 AM
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lostluv Offline OP
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"rejected, worthless, unworthy feelings of my life"

"good to remind me that I am not completely worthless and will be okay someday if the M isn't R'd."

I think that sums it up pretty well. I'm not looking or trying for it, but it did make me feel a little bit like i'm not such a bad person. but i definitely do not want to pursue any such thing as another relationship other than my marriage....and I'm not to be pursuing that at this time either .


me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


lostluv #2501009 10/27/14 04:03 AM
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lostluv Offline OP
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overall, I think this weekend went fairly well. My wife and I actually had some pretty decent laughs today because of some silly things my daughter was doing.

the day started a bit off because my wife was not happy about my over night stay, but it is what it is. I had mentioned to here a week or so ago about it and said that several people were going and some were staying the night. I figured i was staying but due to my emotional roller coaster, i wasn't 100% convinced so I did not ride with my friends, i drove myself. shortly after beginning the fest, I sent my wife a text to let her know that I was definitely staying the night so I wouldn't be drinking and driving....and so she would know to lock the door. being a 3rd shift worker, i was wide a wake at 5 am so rather than waking my friends by watching tv or something, i just drove home.

my wife seemed irritated and when I inquired why, she just said that she would have liked to know more in advance that I wasn't going to be home all night. I thought that was odd. what difference would it make? I simply acknowledged her concern. she then asked who all went. I told her that everyone bailed except for me, my friend and his fiance. (there was supposed to be about 8 other people going as well). after that she didn't say much.

tension was pretty high later in the evening because my daughter was giving issues going to bed and my wife was VERY irritated. she also remembered that I would not be home in the mornings this week to take my daughter to day care.

however, she didn't seem to hold anything against me (not that she should, just saying). as I was getting ready for work she sighed and said she was going to be a bit early because she probably wouldn't be getting much sleep if my daughter was going to be up half the night.

this is one of those nights that I feel i should at least check in the morning (via text) how the night went. just showing concern ....


me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


lostluv #2501343 10/28/14 04:54 AM
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lostluv Offline OP
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today seemed to be pretty good. I know i'm not supposed to analyze or care about her actions, but I'd like to know what I did right so i can repeat. today was the first day of me NOT coming home early to get my daughter up and ready. last night before I left for work, my daughter was being a real pain about going to bed. usually that means she is going to be up throughout the night.
anyways, I ended up texting my wife this morning because i was concerned that my daughter was up all night. it's usually very short, direct and to the point, but today seemed a bit more at ease.... here is the conversation:

me:good morning. hope last night wasn't too horrible
wife: she slept, I didn't. i give up
me: frown wish there was something i could do to help. give (her) hug n kiss for me please
wife: i will
me: thanks . hope your day goes well
wife: thank you. sleep good

I know it seems short, but she typically just sends back "k" or "ok"...so it was a positive start.

I slept decent, and I got up just before my wife got home with my daughter. when she got home she immediately initiated a conversation about her day....she hasn't done that in weeks. i asked if she had still planned on going to aerobics and she said yes. I said ok and then went into the kitchen to cook food to pack in my lunches for the week. I typically do it on sunday, but my wife was in the kitchen all day cooking......even though she KNOWS i need to cook on sunday...hahaha...oh well, i just packed sandwiches for my first night.

after cooking, I made my daughter and I dinner (wife ate earlier because of not wanting to be full for class) and sat at the table to eat. my wife sat with us and helped keep my daughter focused on finishing. after we finished eating, i took my daughter to the park. we had a blast! came home and gave my daughter a bath, then took a shower. when my wife got home, we were clean and smelled fresh (hahaha) and my daughter was having snack before bed.
my wife talked for a couple min about her class then went to shower. I put my daughter to bed as my wife was finishing up and then came down stairs and had a snack myself then kicked back in the recliner for a nap. the other day I was sitting with a blanket and commented about how the cat had fur all over it....she put them in th elaundry today.

if you are still reading....here is the part of my day that made me think "ok, wtf is going on?"

i was snoozing on the recliner and woke up to my wife placing a blanket over me.... she typically doesn't talk to me let alone do anything for me. I said thanks, but I'm sure I had a surprised tone to my voice because i was caught off guard, then went back to sleep. sometimes she will go to bed before I wake up , but tonight my snooze alarm woke me up at 9:45 and as soon as it did, she turned off the lamp by her and walked over and said. "good night, i hope you have a good night tonight" . I was still in shock , so I simply told her the same.

I know this all seems petty, and maybe it's just me reading into it too much? I even had a thought that because I know we have a counseling meeting thursday that maybe she is being nice so i won't over react when she says still wants to be "done" .... < - - that is mind reading....trying to keep those thoughts out.

she did mention about "us" taking my daughter to visit her parents this weekend (out of town - about 2 hrs) and i asked what time she planned on that. she said "well, i could just take her...it doesn't matter" she didn't specifically ask me to go, but I'm not sure about how to play it. i guess i should wait and see how the session on thursday goes? I don't want to push to spend time with her, nor seem needy....so figured maybe I'll just make my own plans for the weekend.

I didn't think I did anything different enough to trigger a better day.....but if I did, I'd like to know what it was. hahaha

should I bring up her placing the blanket on me and tell her how much I appreciated it? i'm thinking that may be too much....


Last edited by lostluv; 10/28/14 05:00 AM.

me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


lostluv #2501808 10/29/14 04:05 AM
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lostluv Offline OP
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today started ok, but later in the evening I was starting to have bad feelings and almost a breakdown. had to do some breathing and try to keep as busy as possible to keep my mind occupied. I thought it was all because i'm concerned about how our session may go thursday evening ....poor timing because it is the night before we would take our daughter trick-r-treating together. last session my wife said she is "done" and counselor suggested we take the next couple weeks to act "as if" we are done and basically validate my wife's feelings so she feels "safe" with her decision. well, it's been an ok couple of weeks with a little bit less tension, but today was really hard. on my way home from karate class I realized that I did not take my herb pills (kava kava root) that definitely helps my anxiety. I believe that is mostly why I'm feeling upset and very distracted.

Also, the past couple weeks I've tried to accept the fact that my M is "done". not that I want to accept it, but trying to figure out how i will feel and what I can do to move on. I know it's not the same since we are still living together, but just trying to find a new mental state is pretty tough. it almost makes me feel like I just don't care and i should give up. I do NOT want to give up and I CANNOT stop loving my wife. But I still have second thoughts about if I would be able to trust her with my heart after everything that has happened over the past few months. it's very tough for me right now. part of me wants nothing but for us to be together and work on our M, but the other side of me is questioning WHY i want to be with someone that has made it obvious that she does NOT want to be with me.

ugh.......


me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


lostluv #2501821 10/29/14 08:12 AM
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lostluv Offline OP
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so i'm having a bad night, so I figured I needed to vent here. i have been thinking way too much today and reading other threads. my w and I haven't talked about our M since our last counseling session and once again, i'm dreading the one coming on thursday. i am trying to get myself to not think about it, but that's all I can think about!!!!! I'm trying to think what I'm going to say, how I'm going to act if/when my wife says again that we are done and she wants out.
I know it's her way of dealing with things and I just need to accept it, but ..... it [censored]! it HURTS!

how do I proceed? we will need to talk about splitting finances, assets, living arrangements, visitation, etc.

I"m not sure I will be able to cope without being cold and angry. I want to continue being loving unconditionally, but I'm having a hard time seeing myself staying together. I feel it's either me being a depressed and withdrawn worthless being OR cold hearted angry person that will not want anything to do with her other than keeping in touch for my daughter.

I'm really trying to figure out how to just hold on and be calm while she runs the course and figures things out. it's tearing me apart inside. I've been good at hiding it and acting "as if" i'm "ok" with things the way they are....but I can feel it building up.

I'm sure everyone here has had these feelings at one point. I am thinking of getting a new IC since the one that I have went to in the past (through our employers employee assistance program on site) can only seem to say "i can appreciate how you feel" and "I see where you are and why you feel that way".

the spiral is starting and I need help getting it under control.


me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


lostluv #2501832 10/29/14 10:47 AM
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lostluv Offline OP
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i'm calming down, but not liking this roller coaster one bit. it's becoming VERY unpredictable


me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


lostluv #2501856 10/29/14 12:17 PM
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Just keep pursuing detachment. It's the best solution for you for every reason. It will come and go (hence the roller coaster). But the more you can let go of the rope, the shorter and less frequent the roller coaster drops will be.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
lostluv #2501860 10/29/14 12:28 PM
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Originally Posted By: lostluv
the other side of me is questioning WHY i want to be with someone that has made it obvious that she does NOT want to be with me.


Lostluv, it seems that most of us question this at some point. And the response is usually we are longing for the person our spouse used to be, or who we thought they were, not necessarily who they are now.

If I met H for the first time at a party this weekend, and I knew that he had cheated on his W and walked out on his kids, I wouldn't look twice at him. If I knew how he had talked to his W over those years, I'd actively avoid him, and possibly gossip about him. smirk But I'm still standing for now. I can't explain it, but yet, there it is.

So go ahead and question, but don't beat yourself up over the answer.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2502380 10/30/14 10:58 PM
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the wife got home from work today and I could tell something was bothering her. when I inquired, she said she was just tired.....but I knew better. I figured she was dreading the counseling as well. so when she sat in the dining room and started reading her book (she usually does it in bed or living room).... I walked by and placed my hand on her shoulder and said "what's bothering you. I know you well enough that I can tell". She looked up at me and said "i'm tired of going to councelling"

we started talking about the R a bit and she was crying uncontrollably. she said that she feels like every time we go, she is being put down for being "cold hearted". Then she confirmed that nothing has changed for her as far as feelings. I just told her I understand how she feels and why she feels that way, but she has a lot to offer and our daughter is lucky to have her. I told her i was sorry things are this way and she feel this way and if I had it to do all over , I would do a lot of things differently. I told her that it IS possible for us to work on things, but I understand that she doesn't. I told her I do still lover her and this isn't at all what I want, but I want her to be happy and not feel trapped or hurt so if this is truly what she wants (to not be married) , then we will have to work on the separation. she asked what happened and why things changed as soon as we were married. I told her that life happened and we didn't take or make time for each other and I took for granted that we would always be together. she started going off about everything I've done wrong and blaming me for everything....it quickly changed to her saying she was a huge failure, she doesn't deserve anyone, no one needs or wants her and she just has to be alone and how horrible of a person she is.

we ended up NOT going to our counseling session ( i called and cancelled) and we sat on the couch and I put my arm around her and occasionally wiped tears from her cheek. to break the silence, I started small talk about upcoming trick or treating and goofy things her and her co-workers do to each other.

I then told her that I would go get our daughter so she could be alone and compose herself before we got home. As I left, I kissed her on the forehead and told her that I'm here is she wants to talk without judging , anger or shame.

when I got home she was reading and had obviously been crying. I told her there was ginger ale in the fridge incase she wanted to make a beam n ginger (her favorite drink) to relax.

she did...and she said "I dropped my ring in the bathroom sink and it went down the drain. I can't get it out, but can see it" I said that I have soemthing that can reach down to get it and went out to the garage to get the tool. she looked at me and said "i didn't do it on purpose" wtf?

anyway, after about a half hour she put her ring back on and started reading while having her drink. I am in the basement now getting ready to work out.

I'm proud that I did not turn into a blubbering idiot as I barely cried....just enough for a few tears to roll.

not sure if it was a good or bad day....... I know I broke a couple rules, but I feel a little more at ease.


me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


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