NERO - is this still ME?

[nero]

ur -

hey hi- nah - you didn't upset me asking- i know it sounds schlockie- but it's true (JUST KNOWING) however - he does not deny she's there and that he goes to see her. i've told him i know - he's told me he goes- we know what the heck each other are up to and what the other guy feels about it. short of him saying she's history - or me delivering an ultimatum - there doesn't seem to be a darn thing to say bout it anymore. maybe someone's got to break this mexican standoff? idk- so far i always mange to bite my tongue and think itys' a better policy - discretion ...

i thank you totally for your faith that i'll do something sometime when it's rite for me (i hope to God you're rite) - and for saying you can see a difference. i think i feel differently on the whole - but feeling more neutral and "detached" about him and "mlc" makes me feel bad also- that he's really not registering in a huge emotonal way. i get that it "saves" us from pain- but on the other hand- isn't it signaling some kind of big ole "end" ... and who the heck DOES KNOW gfor sure when dbing is never gonna work - so throw in the towel man.??? not me so far- i'm like goat girl- always afraid that i'll"quit" one mnth before he has a breakthru kind of thing ... oiy

oh well- i know, so me, always with the "on the one hand-blah blahblah- BUT THEN on the other hand, blah blahb lah" i can drive my own self nuts. is it any wonder that i find it more effective to shut off brain- go stack the darn woodpile or go work or do something useful and not think about it.???

i'm doing great not talking about him and "it" to friends. it bores me even.... such old old news huh?. only time i even say much is here. if i even think about it all - i get myself hipped up- it produces nothing but stress and for what???

ya know, sometimes i don't know what to think anymore about dbing - me, him- "it", etc. i just haven't got an opinion anymore about most stuff. well, ow- got a BIG BIG OPINION ABOUT THAT PARTICULAR THING.

it's been soooo wierd for soooo long- i truly wonder - really when my life was not at all what i thought, how many years i bumbled along blindly- or if it EVER WAS what i thought EVER?? losing faith

PITIFUL - huh? oh well- no body can tell me that but him- and he's really deluded about some stuff. (no kidding- rewritten history- things i know for a fact are totally nutball - ) o h mannnn..... soo, ta da- nowhere on earth to get any answer or "assurance." that's kind of pitiful too huh?

all things being considered - and all these years & dbing i don't actually know or have a really strong opinion about what it is i've "got" here. ?? do you happen to?

things seem a ton better than three or four years ago - as far as how "easy " we are aroudn each other and his level of interaction and (seeming) affection. on the other hand- i'd prefer "more" in life . it may be greedy tho- i'm not sure. who says i get to have exactly what i want when i want it? that's been my stumbling block all along- i'm am azingly grateful all the time and maybe i ask for so little- and usually feel so fortunate - i have trouble being demanding. i wonder if i'll be shooting myself in the foot if i ditch what i've got - even lousy- it's something (as opposed to the huge old NOTHIN & NO-ONE - NOT NO HOW - NOT NO WAY....

- now that my mom is not around - i dont feel obliged to be here- i'm not sure what i want really or where i want it or wh at? i don't think it's an option to live down there with him allll the time. i haven't mentioned or asked that- i just have no juice for heart to heart. i'd rather avoid it too for the moment. geeeez - that sounds rather pitiful too doesn't it.

i thik that will be on my headstone when i die - "i'd rather avoid it (all) at the moment"

no matter what i say- it all sounds kind of crazed out & dreary today-

oh well- i'm tired, spent five or six hrs at mom's house sorting thru junk,e tc.- depressing a bit , buty 've got to get rolling with this. so now- all i have to do is the fifthy three things on my SUNDAY - TO DO LIST.

i GUESS THAT's having an okay life tho, not bored and plenty to do tht wants your attention (purpose?) idk - i'm outta here.

yeah- i figure we'll visit again if i could ever get my act together - be in one place for a while and have my big old "OBLIGATIONS" under control. life still feels wacky a bit with this estate hanging over my head.

doesn't help to think my lazy ole sisters who've got tons of advice for me abouty how to do things - but never ever ever have a spare minute to actually do anythnig or help out- all benefit from my efforts but think i'm a giant jacka$$ -
i'm truly fine tho- so now i'll go get busy and pay some bills, finished the wood pile - yay, dye my hair i think. (i trimed it other day and the "ends" ended up being about three inches - you know, even up this side- even up that siden -eeeek.

don't care- seeya and thanks for note.

oh me oh my- sos xxoo

[uRworthy]

Nero, when I think of you, the last word I would think of is pathetic.

Resilient, courageous, strong, loyal, stubborn, funny, irreverent and real are words I think of.

I want you to be sure not to tarnish those memories. They were real and true, my friend.

We do what we need to do in order to get through things. I believe when we are really ready for something different, we know it and act.

We all walk this in the way we need to for us. There is no right or wrong way to do it.

That isnt to say that we dont sometimes get stuck. Maybe you are. But I know that when I was it was before me realizing what I needed to do next.

You are grieving your loss and dealing with the aftermath. Allow yourself to do that.

I truly believe that when you feel that you need more, and that fear isnt driving you, you will figure it out.

Til then, do what is best for you.

[beatrice]

Nero ^^^^^^ what she said.

I am not in your place - my xh was clear cut about NOT having me in his life at all. It seemed very hard to lose all contact with what I had always though of as my life partner, but I do not know how I would have coped with him coming and going between me and OW. Not well, I suspect.

Cut yourself some slack - you have lost your mother, and have all that to deal with on top of this. My mother died a few months before my xh took off (not unrelated events, I suspect) and only now can I see what an emotional train wreck I was.

One day at a time is good!

[nero]

hey hi beatrice AND UR --

good to hear your voiceS - thanks for notes YOU GUYS are so nice and i'm glad to have your input and support. Beatrice - i couldn't find you in forum lists the other day- i hope you're doing okay. i feel like this should all be a distant (bad) memory by now.

i was just reading a little "inspirational" sort of paragraph in a book i have & like - it's saying we have to confront and acknowledge our emotions or they get bigger and bigger and more demanding for our attention. sheesh ! and here's me thinking i've got to quit knowing what i feel and get numb - better.

i know the last year or two have been the worst of my life and i should just chill and ride it thru. been trying- but then sometimes i think "cripes - get with the program, etc." everyone out there IN FORUM seem to be all sayin - "hey- i gotta live my life, i'm moving past this" and i just don't seem to be there (yet). or anywhere really.

when i think about "what to do next" - i don't have a stinkin clue what would be me "moving forward" in a positive way (life - plan wise) . that would be real or realistic anyuway. i can think of a couple total fantasy conclusions - very darn not likely to happen tho - wah wah.

this selling my mom's house and the shore house we've all gone to for alllllll our lives - feels alot like a giant - real life - "period" being put on my entire past life (63 yrs of who i am/was) . (or so it feels). sooo all of a sudden who i "am" isn't good enough for anyone around anymore. It served their purpose when "someone" had to do a particular job (mom,estate) but now - HA - i'm supposed to just walk out the door and BE SOMEONE NEW - just like that.

- i know it's a depressed sort of outlook- but I cannot escape knowing that linda and mother being dead (my closest family ) and h heading out (or whatever the heck he's doing) and the other three sisters feeling compelled to tell me just what they think of me - well, it seems mighty like end of the line, family wise. we (they) (see- i'm still thinking we're some sort of group- but everyone can't stand everyone else) have alot of anger in this family - what the heck is that alllll about? alot of delusion as well (1), alot of entitlement (3) - whew.... who are these women????

i think that (sadly) when the houses are sold and estate is "done" - i will not really bother looking up the youngest (most angry and emotionally uncontrolled) one. she and her husband were such hateful , jacka$$es - i find i don't want to be around them - at all - ever (so far). and the others - we communicate - but knowing what they've said and feel (about me ) and all this - well, makes it hard to capture any sort of warm fuzzy feelings. If i weerrn't close to their children - i doubt if i'd see them either. ccccrrrrreeeeeeeepy

it's sure a strange outcome for me, a person alllll- immersed in family and it being a huge part of who i am - one of these five sisters (dutiful daughter) ( charming?! companion & loverpie) . boy- things sure change

i can clearly see that h has reverted to his last working identity- young guy in college playing tennis, bsing with buddies and f'ing around - i don't have an alternate/ backup identity in the closet to just shake out and put on.

anyway - if i could feel less pressured by all this - and quit worrying about doing "the right thing" all the time - saying that out loud- i hear myself and gotta take a step back from that. nobody else is doing anything about anything- or helping- so i guess i need to tell self - alot more- that whatever i do will be fine. (so me- crowd pleaser - but these people are un-pleasable) i forget) i cannot seem to get my head around all that seems to need to be done with this house and emptying it - (resolution- i'll get three people out therer this week or next to tell me about buying contents ) that needs to be done in order to list it.

Work is good - keeps me distracted (hweading there in a few min.) - but aside from getting out of the house and doing stuff & keepin busy- i got nothin in there as far as "i always wanted to do ________ or i always wanted to try _______" , i do not have any "bucket list" and a bunch of stuff I "always wanted". i was always just plugging along pretty much happy and content.

i am having trouble (globally) in adjusting totally to being "not so happy". i guess that's just it. I even still feel grateful that i know it all could be a heck of alot worse - h could have chucked me out the window without a cent, demanded i pay him for house and i'd be struggling on top of everything else. Or, he could still be silent and rotten and reallly really cold and crappola (like beginning - before i found out really what was going on with him and ow). i mean, all that could still happen any day i guess, i don't think about it so much. determined to ride with whatever comes (fingers crossed) but hairy sometimes. i'd much rather have security (yeah, i know, me and the entire universe() -

I just don 't know anything about all this at the moment- and EMOTIONAL TRAINWRECK is putting it lightly Beatrice. . but i like it- and i thank you guys for sayin what you have. like, that's soooo me- needing some "permission" from the outside world to feel what i feel. it sure is all undeniablly "there" - i can't ignore it.

I cannot see anything in the future to be honest . I find that distressing - i don't even know what i'd wish for if i could? i'm fully aware that i'm not "up to" dealing with anything in the world emotionally "new" - but then i remind myself that when you do something new or meet someone new - if you like it/them alot- it's easy and fun - not hard and scary.

keep a good thought huh? MIND YOU- i do not have desire to look, date, find a man, trust a man, etc. AT ALL - BUT LOOSELY i'd rather have someone in my life again someday - than not.

oh well- there's my well-defined plan for life - loosely regain happiness.

great huh? the plan? remain calm and try and not think bout it all - . okay, i'm outta here.

on a funny note- i slept in soft curlers cause my hair was wet last nite- it's soooo curlie whirlie i look like a giant insane mop - have it clipped back. what a head - this hair has been out of control my whole life- but this morning is a new frontier.

xxoo thanks so much hope you both have great days.

[beatrice]

This is all difficult, and as UR says, we all do it in our own way at our own pace.

Yes, I felt as if I was totally jettisoned from my old life - rudely, in both sense of the word!!

As I understand it, when we are first injured, physically and emotionally, we go numb, and even vague and dreamy - it is part of the coping mechanism that enables us to go on. After a while though we need to feel the pain in order to do what is necessary to heal.

In fact I can now see what happened as a huge opportunity for me to change my life. I am a bit older than you and I have embarked on a new career - it is great fun. I do all kinds of things I didn't do before, and am going to learn to ski next!!

I take good care of myself, and have a great mix of old and new friends. Sometimes I miss what I had, but that is understandable - in fact I think it would be weird if we didn't miss our old lives.

The other thing is that I have learned to be grateful for what I had, as well as what I have now. A long and stable marriage, and all of that - how amazing to have had a beach house that you went to for all of your life! How amazing to still be on friendly terms with your SO - even if he is in another relationship.

Your mother was difficult, but you did the best you could and you know it. You didn't walk away. You garden, you craft, you are a great person. The old has served you well, but now is the time to move forward - opportunities can present themselves if we are open to them - but not always in the way we think.

[nero]

hey hi UR -

thanks for not thinkin i'm pathetic. sometimes i do not know what i am, and where i'm heading with alllll this.

now that i'm here- i realize i'm blue and negative this morning - so i'm going to save you and go away til i can be more objective or upbeat.

xxoo

[nero]

hey hi-

thanks for comments. ya know, i do feel fortunate and grateful for alot of things in my life. i know and always have (even when totally decimated) that i've got it better than alot of other people

and, believe it or not, i do feel "open" to whatever will pop up in my life and future.

I just am having a period of total "pointlessness" (kind of thing.)

it's not my usual mindset- i am amazingly sleep=-depreived lately. it's not good i know- one can only have control of so much. I'll go take a long walk in a few minutes - endeavor to c lear mind and begin day over since work didn't call.

i don't like to take a sleeping pill EVERY nite- tho lots of friends do. seems like a bad idea-

anyway - it's great that you can feel like this is a positive result kind of thing- and how well you're moving forward and recreating yourself and your life.

i am not so sure where or what that will look like for me. i've got new stuff going on- i still think it may be my "journey" to hang in thre with teh dbing a bit longer - i may be wrong- i may be right.

I hope i end up feeling as you do. as far as treasuring my memories - i surely used to - i'm trying.

no darn answers about anything today. i know my mom dying and clearing out her house (alone) is a dreary thing and weighs me down. that is inescapable. so maybe i feel normally about it all.

it's hard to let go of allllll that - a lifetime of that life, mom, sister(s), h?, etc. everything....

i know- the shore was great . once linda died - (she was my closest sis and allll my memories were shared by her- ) it all lost it's shine a bit- and then, of course, onset of my mom's mind & health problems, etc...

I keep telling myself not to freak out- that any normal person would feel these things - in light of last bunch of years.

oh well- onward and upward - thanks for hopeful words.

i do believe in the end i'll do whatever i have to - and make it all work again - and just begin over totally (when i've got to).

i'd say for the moment (tho disgusted with H) i'm stilll lucky he's payin bills and there (even in his limited and creepy way) . i never thought anyone "got it all" -

xxoo

[nero]

hi anyone-

just reporting in that i'm still alive out here. I think it makes me pretty blue to read people's painful stuff or rehash mine or even think about it. I bore myself with it- i am in a holding pattern of some sort - not sure if i'm "standing" or just sittin by the roadside.

Feel a bit blue- donated first batch of mom's possessions - the actual loading up of a small portion of all of our lives from her/our home - was sad. it's made ma a bit depressed - actual, physical "letting go". i've never been good at goodbyes, etc.


her birthday was a couple days ago- h's is today. sad to not share those days - workin on mom's house- cleaning up, sorting thru, etc. keepin busy-

now that i'm here- i don't have anything really important or upbeat to say-

worked a bunch up til now this month- that was really good. think i'll clear out before i depress anyone here- have wonderful day- the fall leaves are lovely- got that goin for me... lots to do today before it gets COOOOLLLLLLLD. NOT quite feelin ready to be cold yet - it's comin tho huh? whether i like it or not- (sums up my life at the moment doesn't it)

oh well- onward & upward

xxo

[job]

Nero,
It's okay to feel sad about clearing out your mother's home. After all, it was home to you and your siblings for many years too.

I often think about the things that we collect over the years and when we pass on, what we once thought of as our treasures, are not always seen as treasures in the eyes of others, hence the selling off or carting off to the landfill, or donating takes place. If it gets to be too much for you during the sorting out time, walk away for a while. It's okay to cry and feel down. It's all part of the mourning process.

Please come here to talk about it. Please do not suffer the sadness and grief alone. We will listen and offer our support to you.

Please take care of yourself.

[uRworthy]

Hey Nero. Tough stuff, that. I am so sorry you are feeling sad.

You are still so hard on yourself, my friend. It's ok to feel what you feel.

I think you need to work on getting your mom's stuff sorted out and not think about anything else right now. Sometimes we just have to take it day by day.

Though I love that we have seasons, I do struggle with the change in them...especially fall to winter.

I pray that one day you feel lighter and realize what a special soul you are.

I smile when I see you have posted...knowing there will be wonderful bits of you in there.

I am here anytime you need me...just a phone call or a quick car ride away.

Love ya, my friend.