KGirl con't

[KGirl]

I came by to check in and think "out loud" a little and didn't even realize my last thread was done - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2497413&page=11

I don't really have anything profound or newsworthy to add. I keep going about my life, trying to find new things to do and get used to the reality of my life. I have an online Jamberry party going, which is fun (and scores me free stuff!) but makes me a little anxious because I'm worried my friends will buy stuff and then not like it...it's not like Tupperware where it is what it is, it's nail wraps that people tend to either love or hate. Working on telling myself that they are all big girls and made their own choices about purchasing the product..and I shouldn't worry about it. I think I listened to the Jason Mraz song Maybell posted 10 times today!

A lot of your posts resonate with me lately. Ss06 posted about how easy it could be to become a functioning alcoholic during this time. That's actually something I've thought about, too, and am trying to be careful to not let that get away from me, especially since I live in a region of the US where a drink or two a day is considered normal behavior. The calories are a good incentive to cut back I also felt a connection with claire's recent posts about her H feeling like a stranger, and maybe setting things into motion herself at the end of the year. I really know nothing about my H now - who he is, what he does, who he hangs out with. It's getting harder to believe that there's anything he could do to make me trust him again - it's getting close to tipping the scale to the irrepairable side. And it actually kind of lessens my opinion of him even more that he can't even follow through on a decision he's made and get the business aspect taken care of. I catch myself thinking phrases like "I think I'm done" so I'm getting closer. I still really don't want to file and do all of the work/pay for it because I didn't want this in the first place, but I acknowledge that it may have to be that way, and that just because I take that step doesnt mean I wanted it, or that I was the "dumper", or that I didn't try as hard as I could.

Speaking of, I do wonder if there's anything else I can try or do besides NC and moving forward. I debate if I should try and get in touch with him or text him things to try to start conversation or anything. I don't want to be keeping score and I know that I may have to do all the work right now but is it still OK to say "No, he made a choice, if he wants things to change he can initiate connecting?" I'm feeling conflicted about that.

[Hrdtims]

I am in a similar situation with my W. We are still in the same house yet, but she does not connect with me as a H. She stopped wearing her rings this week. States that it is gone, have not made love in a month. doing DB couseling with her which gives me hope but think all is lost. Detatching does not seem to work with her, holding and being a good person and H seems to...but I do not know. She cried in church yesterday and stated that she wants to tell the kids (they know something is up). I told her that I would support her if she wanted to move out, but think I will be resentful if she does. I almost want to give her a ultimatum and ask to either put back on her rings and be my W or move out until she can figure it out but am afraid.

Its hard when we love them so much, I accept some responcibility but ultimatly it is now her choice.

I hope you find peace.

[Card29]

You know your sitch better than anyone. I don't think there is anything wrong with you staying NC or trying to extend an olive branch. labug offered you some advice on this in your last thread, and I think it still applies:

Be as friendly with your H as you can handle without expectation. But ask yourself if these random "touches" are all he can offer as a means of reconnecting, is that enough for you. Do you still want to be the one who does the heavy lifting in the R? If I recall correctly he said some pretty harsh things about how your M happened.

You have a choice here and that's a powerful, although scary placed to be.

It also sounds like you were struggling with detachment as recently as Sept. It's up to you to figure out what this advice means you to 6 weeks later.

[bravo61]

kgirl,
i know here in the pacific NW i am considered a prude cause i don't drink everyday. i know the W has taken a habit of drinking EVERYDAY. even my S has started to notice. i don't think it would be a game changer if you decided to send out a text. but if you do, only something like hey thought of you today. hope you are doing well. something along those lines. if you didn't text, that would make sense as well. best of luck.

[KGirl]

Thanks, all. The quote from labug is a good reminder. I do still feel like random "touches" or small talk is not enough for me right now. There needs to be some bigger things said and dealt with before we can get into a "getting to re-know each other" phase. And honestly, thinking about trying to talk to him makes me feel anxious and panic-y. I'm less stressed if I can pretend he doesn't exist. I wish there was a right or best answer for what to do, even though I know there isn't one...which is kind of funny because in my job I spend a lot of time telling people that there isn't a best or right choice or answer!

So this afternoon was tough. I used to ride a different bus before I moved, and I knew a neighbor who rode regularly/got off at the same stop and we'd chat. I ride a different bus now but it's really close to the old bus route/stops so it's not uncommon for people to interchange them, and for the first time since I left the neighbor was on my new bus. We ended up getting off at the same stop, and he asked about not seeing me in a while. To which I said "I actually moved, and ride this bus now." To which he said "oh...so... did your husband move with you?" and then I had to say we were separated. I thought I was past the point of getting teary or upset when telling people, but nope, apparently not. As soon as I got in the door I had a big ol' cryfest. I was not my best self, I did say something like "I don't really understand why, but if you see douchebag out in the yard you can ask him why!" Neighbor told me things were tough for him too, his wife had another miscarriage. I'm ashamed to admit that in my upset-ness I said "I'm sorry, that does suck. At least she's still here, though." Yep, pretty excellent conversational skills and empathy right there. Still cringing, don't need any 2x4's because I'm giving myself enough of my own. At least I acknowledged it sucked and I was sorry and wasn't a total jerk. Just a regular jerk. Ugh. I hope he can give me a mental pass given the circumstances.

Anyways, that all reminded me of all of the dreams and hopes that I lost when this all went down. In addition to a family and marriage I lost a house, a yard, a neighborhood, a pet, half of ten year's worth of mementos and household items and furniture. I think I may hate him now. I think it may be too late. I really don't think there's anything humanely possible he could do that would help me forgive him. I don't know that I have enough forgiveness in me to be able to do it. There are people out there that can, but I don't think I am one of them. I already struggle with holding grudges, this may just be too much.

[KGirl]

....I was going to go to the gym but after all that I can't get up. And just want to lay on the couch and watch TV and have a drink. Or two. So speaking of, my H didn't like that I'd have a drink on a weekday (after dinner...when all my stuff was complete... not during work, not a six pack, or anything). Is your drinking a problem when it upsets someone else? Where's the difference between problematic and someone just having different standards (or like bravo said he just might be more "prudish" or conservative)? Do I have a problem or am I just taking H's criticism too seriously because I'm looking for the magic thing I can do or say to bring him back? As I type this... I remember that H has a DUI, and I do not. Hmm...that's telling, I think (although H continues to swear that was an unlucky break and blames his friend for giving him directions that involved driving down a one way street the wrong way and he didn't know it was a one-way...and wasn't about his judgment, he could drive just fine).

[labug]

Maybe you should talk to your C about this. Are you concerned about your drinking?

How can you get away from allowing him to define you? And maybe you're just too awesome for him? You're a young, intelligent, beautiful woman with a lot on the ball. In order to attract the right kind of people to us, we have to first be attracted to ourselves. Would you be attracted to you?

If you met your H today, would you be attracted to him? Would you want to date him?

In a previous post you went through a list of all the things you lost, doesn't mean it's lost forever, maybe just postponed until you find the right person.

There's a big funk over this board this week. Let's all do a gratitude list.

[KGirl]

Ah ha, so I was the funk that inspired the gratitude list Yesterday was rough but today is better. Sometimes time is the only thing that helps. I am not concerned, no...but then again usually the person themselves is the last person to be concerned. It may just be time to stop thinking about all this and analyzing, trying to figure out what else I can do better, etc., because I think my plateau is reached.

[SunnyB]

Ah ha, so I was the funk that inspired the gratitude list

Not just you, KGirl. We all get into a funk sometimes. I indulged in some massive mindreading and I'm usually really good about that. It happens. Glad you are feeling better!

[KGirl]

Well, time has come to face reality.

I texted H asking about a recipe that I had left there. He responded to my question, and then with:

H: Also, we need to talk about a few things and moving forward with filing. Let me know if you prefer to meet in person or have a phone all and what times work for you to disuss this weekend or next week.

I guess I imagined that coming up a little differently? Like, maybe starting with the fact that he had decided that for sure?

Me: OK. I take it you have decided that is what you want to do for sure? I would rather discuss on the phone [listed some times tomorrow, I don't want to delay that.]

H: Yes, it's what I've decided [says what times he'd be free, offers to call me at a certain time.]

I thought I would feel better having an answer. And I know it's possible the answer could change but the possibility seems so far away now. Now it's hitting me like a giant truck. I guess I still thought deep inside that he wouldn't actually go through with it, and we'd figure it out, or at least try. I still am finding it hard to believe he is done with me without ever attempting to talk about it. I guess this is BD #2? I had planned to do some things tomorrow morning but I am just devastated and don't even know how I am going to get through this phone call with him. I guess a positive is that at least I don't have to push anything forward if he's ready to do the work to end things, and therefore I won't have to hire a lawyer and deal with all of that. We've had disussions when I lived at home about the actual settlement, and all there is the house, and we agreed how that would work. I don't have a problem with him hiring someone to do the paperwork and me just looking at it - there really isn't anything for me to be financially hurt about, unless he tries to pull something surprising.

Ugh. OK, it's settling in now. I really don't want to talk to him in person about it - am I missing out on any opportunity here by talking on the phone?

I'm still so confused. He was texting me about a restaurant just earlier this week and how they changed their prices and made a pun out of it. It seemed promising. I guess I let my expectations get the better of me.