Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 10 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
D
daring Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
And one last post to round out the day- MLC is so weird!

H came by to pick up stuff for S16 who is staying the weekend as they are doing a school fundraiser.

He was talking about different things and at one point asked if we could do the holidays together at my house. I said OK. He said "well you may change your mind as things progress. You may want to uninvite me by then".
So I replied " don't give me papers to sign on Christmas". He said he wouldn't, and that they might be done before then. Ummmm ok- looks like we are doing this.

Then talked about visiting his mom after Christmas as his brother wanted to arrange a trip. I had said that was fine but all the kids may not want to go with him. He commented he wasn't sure he wanted to go- didn't want to deal with some things. He said " do you want to go?" I said I don't know, I didn't think I was necessarily invited. He said " they're your family" ( very adamantly) and then said " they like you better than me- I just get called an a$$hole". I told him they don't like me better, they just don't understand your decisions, and I know they're my family too but I'll just visit them separately because you and I won't be family. He said we don't have to go separately, we might be D by then but we can just sleep separately.

Let me get this straight- he wants to spend the holidays together at my house and take a trip to visit his family as if we are all still family but we will probably be D by then? ( I didn't say any of this but it's so F'd up logic I can't even follow it)

He also kept fluffing my hair and saying happy birthday, asking me if I got the cookies he bought me since he wasn't sure what the " rules" are and wanted to do something nice.

Maybe I'll have a ReachingHigher moment where he will call off the D at 11th hour. But I don't think so- seems he really needs to do this- yet he really doesn't want to let go of me either.
I have one DB coaching session left, I haven't done it in months. Maybe it's time to chat with them. I'm just not sure what to do at this juncture. I'm not sure this marriage is DB-able.
What did I say above.... Letting him go??? yeah I s@ck at that!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Oh, daring. Your H is so confused. He seems to be thinking that D will fix something for him. He is in a fantasy land. He probably wants it both ways, but he is going to find out that it is not going to work this way. I’m glad you have one DB session with a coach. Maybe you can use it before the holidays to help to have a plan in place.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
D
daring Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
I agree Bright Future- he is so confused! Last time we really had an R talk ( initiated by him) he discussed how he would rather remarry me after doing things right and making things up to me. He still has some resentment towards me for some things but he also recognizes he has major issues and I think the D is " safer" for him b/c he feels he can't measure up or will end up hurting me.
The MLC logic is such a mess.

I called to set up my coaching session- I need some help on best ways to handle all of this.


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
D
daring Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
I had an interesting phone conversation with H tonight. My DBing is changing to be a friend but be honest. Not sure if it's good or bad but it's wherei am. I'm expecting him to finalize the D at some point just based on recent conversations and his behavior. I know that doesn't mean the end but preparing myself for it helps me detach a little.

So our conversation tonight started off about kids stuff and then he wanted to talk about trip with his family after Christmas. I am invited as well and he actuslly wants me to go- I gave him option either way. The discussion went as follows:

H: I don't know about going. I just don't want it to turn into like it did at my sisters wedding. ( when both his sisters and mom gave him he!! about the situation- for the record I did not prompt any of it- I am just really close with all of them).
He said it will be stressful for all of us blah blah blah.

Me: ok well then I can not go if that's easier

H: no I don't have a problem if you go I just can't handle that again.

Me: well you're going to have to deal with them at some point and I thought it would be good for the kids to go. I'm trying to be understanding but I see this from two sides- one the receiving end of your decisions that wants to say too f'n bad you made your situation deal with it, and another side that understands you are hurting and trying to work through a lot.

H: yeah maybe I just need to let you know about it and then if conversations start I can walk away or something. Or maybe I shouldn't be telling you this at all- I don't know.

Me: maybe we should start now with me not taking these trips with you. I mean- I'm not going to be going on family vacations with you to see them for the next ten years or something.

H: well you could be. We decide how this is going to be going forward. We are going to do this different. Maybe we will do Holidays together over the tears and might go in town or out of town.

Me: no it's not going to be like that because I don't plan on being alone forever.

H: you'll never be alone for long you are too wonderful

Me: clearly

H: just because you and I made many mistakes doesn't mean I can't think you're wonderful.

Me: ok well I think you should just go with the kids, spend time with your family and I can go see them separately with or without kids at a different time.

H: we don't have to make a decision right now- can we talk about it Thursday. I had my counseling today and maybe I'm just stressed and all jumbled up.

Me: I understand I get like that too.

End of conversation. ......

So WTF??? So much of him seems to be waking up but he still has this idea of divorced happily ever after.
I am at a place where if that goes through I may or may not want to continue standing but I will definitely do so until that time.

On a good note- I'm getting stronger. My mojo is coming back. I can do this no matter how it turns out.

Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
Hi Daring,

For me, to remain standing, does not mean giving up on life even when the D does happen. I figure I will continue on my path with or with out her. If I meet someone, then her loss. If she chooses to catch up with me, then I will decide if I want to start a R with her or not.

Right now my wife also the idea that D means happiness for her. I would suggest that you should not make the D a deciding factor for you. What really counts is you and where you are on your own path.Even if he goes down the path of D, he may eventually change his mind. If he does then you can decide based on who you are at that time.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
_________________________
"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
Daring, IF you are D before Christmas,, you need to decide what is best for you! How will you feel spending Christmas with your H or his family?

Like your H gets a D, but still get to have "family"time with you....NOT fair right now...IF D happens and LATER you want to spend family time when its "safe" for you, when your feelings for your H are truly like a friend or family member and it works for the kids,,,then YES but this year with the way things are now,,, DO what is is BEST for you!

If the D is not final before then, but papers have been served,,same thing almost..

What do you want to do? Don't make the choice based on your M to your H or even what is the best for the kids at this point. Make this choice about if you want to spend the holidays with your H and his family...

I just want the choice to be about YOU and what you feel comfortable with.

My recent example:
My H had a close aunt pass, he and his family expects me to attend funeral, but my H is not going does not want to take off work, so I'm not going, not driving 8 hours to a funeral of my H close aunt, becuase him and his family expect me to. I told them if H goes I will come, if not I'm not. I made that choice not based on saving my M, but on how I felt, a 180 for me normally I would go because He wanted me to.

Last edited by 2BHappy; 10/29/14 11:49 AM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
D
daring Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
LT- I think I'm in the same place as you just saying it differently. The D isn't my deciding factor- but it is the point where I really need to accept that this may be over. Which means I will be open to dating at some point. Might be a new R with a new person or H, but I'm just getting my mindset such that I can envision a life without H if I have to and I will be happy!
But of course, I would much rather a life with him. Hope he and your W figure it out before we leave them behind!!

2B- way to send me some girl power cheerleading! Thanks for reminding me to stop and think of ME too. I need to do that more.
That said its a bit complicated ( preaching to the choir I know)! H filed for D last year Oct 10. He didn't want me to be formally served so I was emailed the papers. He hasn't done anything since but about every 4 months or so he says that's what he needs to do. The most recent discussion seeming more likely that he will actually go through with it.

So what do I want? Well I want this to be the least disruptive as possible for my kids. My PMA and ability to cope goes down the tubes when they are distressed. So I think Holidays together at my house this year is the best for them. I feel strong enough to handle it and not think it means anything regarding H and I.
As far as the trip- H's family is my family. I Was 17 when we started dating and his siblings ranged from 8-14 at the time. I'm just as close to them as he is. So I woukd actually like to go on this ski trip- I think it would be a blast. Heck I would even take the kids without him in a heartbeat if he wimps out about going.
But I also know that he is trying to work on a lot of childhood stuff so if he wants to go, and me staying behind makes him more comfortable ( which it doesn't sound like- his reactions are that he wants to hide from them) then I think it's important for him to be there to help him work on his chit.
Guess we shall see when he and I talk tomorrow. But one thing I'm not doing anymore is trying to buffer the reactions of family and friends in regards to being upset with H. Those are relationships he has to repair on his own. ( look at me- learning to not be a fixer- who'd a thunk??!!)

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Daring

You are handling this well .. MLC is bad enough then ya toss the Holidays in .. .seems they want the cake eat session, forget about all the issues during that time, have us put on our acting suits for the family .. then after we know what we are in for ... back on the rollercoaster to Limbo-ville... lol .. and ugh at the same time.

Seems to me .. just my opinion, yes you need to think of you, seems your H wants his holiday cake eat fest, you called it .. Divorce happily ever after? I think he does not want to lose you, but is in the MLC tunnel filled with fog and his logic is .. he can D .. figure out his chit, and marry you like nothing happened .. like you will wait forever, even typing this I feel like I am in the same boat, but I am atleast woking on my poker face. I am personally at a loss on how the Holidays will go, but I do believe we need to put our needs first here.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
D
daring Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
Thanks CaliGuy- I feel like I'm doing pretty well right now and I relish the good days b/c the down days s¥ck!

Tonight's conversation was interesting. H came over and seemed very discombobulated. He's seemed that way more lately. He's back to his MLC fog with poor sleep and no memory.

So anyway- the conversation starts with him saying " what are we going to do about the trip?" And I say " well I think you should go with the kids and since you're worried about drama I'll do something else like visit my sister".
H says " I don't know how I feel about that".
I told him the decision is his but since he won't straight up tell me if he doesn't want me to go ( or he doesn't want to go) b/c he will feel bad I'm trying to help make the decision easier. I said I don't know if your interactions with your family will be different with or without me there so it's up to you. Then he says " if they give me a hard time I'll just tell them to F off".
Hmmmmm- guilt coming out as anger it would seem.....

Then he says " S16's birthday is during that time". I said yes I can spend time with him after. H says no- S16 birthday trumps any feelings I may have about this. I told him it didn't seem that way. I told him he seemed distressed. He said " I'm distressed about taking S16 away from you on his birthday, that's what you're hearing".
I said ok- why don't you do this- tell your brother that we are going but if you get uncomfortable I'll change my plans. He said " if I get uncomfortable I just won't go". Ok whatever.

In general he seemed irritated and " spinning". He mentioned something about changing up the kids schedules with each of us and I said I don't think it will work between my schedule and your work schedule- then he said " you mean my lack of work". ( he still hasn't found a steady job or really started his next company but he is doing consulting and speaking engagements to earn money).
Then he said he was going to get S7s stuff from his place since he will be gone this weekend. He's going with a friend to a game, but is also going to briefly see some of his dad's side of the family since they live there. That might be part of why he is spinning so much right now- his Dad and abandonment is a huge part of his issues he needs to work through.

I was proud of myself- I prayed before the conversation as I didnt want to be too emotional or closed off. I haven't seen him much lately so I was nervous. But God got me through it and I actually didn't even have to try and fake it. I was strong and really didn't even have the " longing" feeling. I more felt bad for him, like I was dealing with an indecisive and immature teenager that needed guidance.
I don't want him as he is- he's got some serious work to do!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Daring, you handled it very well. Good job! I hope your H will work out his issues of abandonment. I think this might be a big part of his MLC.

Stay strong.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Page 6 of 10 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard