Mozza (2)

[Mozza]

Darn, my first thread lock without warning.

First thread recap: Fresh separation: trying to play by the book
I arrived here about a month after my wife left. Thankfully, I had read other resources and started applying DB-like techniques.
- I was caught by surprise by the separation but aware of her complaints about the R.
- We almost broke up in 2009 when she wanted to leave under similar circumstances.
- I'm seeing a shrink and a lot of friends.
- I don't know if she has an OM, but she denied it when she left.
- Searching for an explanation: Was I too mean? too nice? hypomania? new job? bad friend?
- Weird request to change our D6's godmother to her bad friend.
- Lunch with W scheduled for Thursday (Oct 30).

Lots of stuff about finding a new path in life and not being where she wants to be. I'm not keeping her from new paths, new projects, she is. But its easier somehow to imagine that we are to blame.

YES! Today, I realized that she has a problem with reality more than with me. Her email from 2009 is a good representation of how she's upset that passionate love doesn't last, that she can't follow her untarnished dreams. It's probably best that she goes out there to experiment and realize that it's not my fault if the trash needs to be taken out, couples argue sometimes and need to work to get better at it, work becomes boring after a while, etc.

[Mozza]

Why aren't we more angry?

I told my therapist that I was concerned about my wife's health and safety. He replied "Instead of being concerned, why aren't you angry at her?"

I realized he was right and spent most of yesterday being angry at her.

- She left me without giving me a chance.
- She doesn't care about the kids' emotions.
- She's been mean to me or at least inconsiderate.
- She seems to be putting herself at risk with medication and alcohol.
- She's doing it all on her parent's dime: appliances, apartment, furniture, new clothes. (I'm angry at them too)
- She wants to live her untarnished dreams regardless of realism or consequences.

Don't get me wrong, she also has reasons for being angry at me. But dealing with my own anger in a healthy way is something I need to learn through this process and acknowledging that I'm not just sad and longing for her, but also angry at her can be part of the therapeutic effect. I know I had a good day yesterday, with less sadness than usual. I also saw things more clearly and realized that I didn't want her back at all costs.

I recommend a day of acknowledging your anger to all of you!

[jim0987]

One of the books I read - can't immediately remember which - said getting angry was a really important part of the process

[Tarheel]

Just be sure not to hold onto that anger.

A saying I came across yesterday....'Forgive people in your life, even those who are not sorry for their actions. Holding on to anger only hurts you, not them.'

[Hoju]

Anger is a normal stage of grieving which is what we are all going through. It's important to becareful to not let that anger consume you or your image of WAW. I've seen first hand how dwelling on your anger can destroy relationships and you have 2 daughters to think about.

[lost18]

I too struggle with the "not being more angry" so I understand where you are coming from but agree with everyone else about not holding on to the anger.

I think what helped me be less angry was realizing my H is human and he's only doing what he feels is working for him, to make him happy. (Liam Naden books have been helpful with that!)Selfish in some ways but you have to be happy within yourself to be a better person to those around you. Also, I think many times, at least for me, we try to "make sense" of things logically, and in reality there is nothing really logical about it. IMO (and also after some reading) WASs are making decisions based on emotion not logic so all of the why's we ask will never really get answered, at least not for a long time!

[Mozza]

jim0987, Tarheel, Hoju, lost18 - Thanks a lot for sharing. You're right, I should not be overcome with this anger. I still struggle to understand how much anger to have and how to deal with it. I thought I had expressed too much anger with my W (snappy, sulking, fights...) but my therapist now seems to suggest I should have expressed more of it but in a better way. We haven't discussed the right ways to do so yet.

Yesterday was a day of anger and today is a day of detachment. I finally read the article and a few things stand out for me.

• It means accepting her as she is, not as I want her to be.
• I will have more self-control in her presence once I detach.
• It's part of letting her take responsibility for her choices.
• The best way for me to help her is to be a role model.
• It is a toxic relationship when the other is not emotionally available to me.
• I deserve a healthy relationship. (this was also part of the anger phase for me)

It pains me that my wife probably got the same advice to leave me. What she described to me sounds like a bad relationship where she couldn't be herself. It seems to justify the separation. Then again, perhaps this is a big cleanup of our relationship where we will become better individuals in a couple.

[MrBond]

I might have missed it but did you read the DB/DR books?

There are many things that you seem to be just realizing but are detailed in the books.

"YES! Today, I realized that she has a problem with reality more than with me. '

To a degree, but I've noticed in your posts you've been slowly switching from you taking responsibility to it being more of her own issue. I mean she said that you were critical of her. What were some examples? Did you always have anger issues? You must be seeing a C for something.

[Mozza]

Thanks a lot MrBond for stopping by. Much appreciated.

I might have missed it but did you read the DB/DR books? There are many things that you seem to be just realizing but are detailed in the books.

Not yet. I've ordered DR last week and expect it by the end of this week. It would be good to have them available as ebooks, considering the kind of emergency situation in which we seek them. In the meantime, I'm reading The 5 Love Languages and I have No More Mr. Nice Guy waiting in the wings.

"YES! Today, I realized that she has a problem with reality more than with me. '

To a degree, but I've noticed in your posts you've been slowly switching from you taking responsibility to it being more of her own issue.

I'm moving between the two day to day as I refine my understanding of the causes for the S. For instance, in three days I explored her potential hypomania based on some strange behavior, then I noted an email from April clearly laying out her dissatisfaction with the R, and the following day I found that email from 2009 suggesting she clings to unrealistic expectations. To be clear, I believe that the root causes of the separation are in the R. It simply provided a fertile ground to external triggers such as the new job, flirtatious colleagues, alcohol, mental issues, bad friend, etc.

I mean she said that you were critical of her. What were some examples?

Here are a few:

• I would complain that she is so disorganized and sloppy that I've to go check on things after her.
• She spent a year at home jobless yet never cleaned the house. I never got upset, but tried to convince her several times.
• I would ask her to get to the point when telling me a story.
• I'd get into rhetorical nuances to interpret her wording or phrasing.
• I would often assume that she had ill intentions when she didn't.
• I wouldn't answer her questions for which the answer was obvious to me.

As a result, she would say that she was walking on eggshells at home, always afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.

Did you always have anger issues? You must be seeing a C for something.

I started seeing a therapist a couple of days after the S talks started and before the "official" separation a few days later. The purpose was to work on all issues that I was bringing to the R: criticism, withdrawal, impatience, anger, etc. I never thought I had an "anger" problem before and in fact it was mentioned with my therapist for the first time this week when I brought it up. This being said, I'm still researching anger management and I might very well fall under the definition. To clarify, I've never physically assaulted or even threatened my wife, but I did raise my voice in arguments and snap at her or sulk. I had a girlfriend, with whom I wasn't comfortable, nickname me 'Mr Grumpy' years ago. This is all a surprise to my friends because they never see this side of me, but it's been real in my R.

[MrBond]

"Not yet. I've ordered DR last week and expect it by the end of this week.:

Okay, that explains alot. You have to read the books asap when you get them. There are no shortcuts and it frustrates me when people bug the posters here for quick answers rather than studying on their own.

"I would complain that she is so disorganized and sloppy that I've to go check on things after her..."

From the way you described things, you really did treat her like a child and have a massive ego. No woman wants to be treated like that.

"As a result, she would say that she was walking on eggshells at home, always afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing."

I can see that. Would you want to live with someone like you?

"Yesterday was a day of anger and today is a day of detachment. I finally read the article and a few things stand out for me."

The fact that you had to read that article to understand her POV, shows that you did put your needs first.

"The purpose was to work on all issues that I was bringing to the R: criticism, withdrawal, impatience, anger, etc."

Those are BIG issues and yet you seem to justify alot of your behavior and throw the blame back on your W rather than taking responsibility of your own actions and realizing that these are the consequences to those actions.

"To clarify, I've never physically assaulted or even threatened my wife, but I did raise my voice in arguments and snap at her or sulk."

Words hurt just as badly as physically striking her. Ask any woman on here if they would like to live under those conditions.