Newcomer living in Hell

[bravo61]

venting
so yesterday sucked. rained at the soccer game. i got an umbrella and held it over the W and D so they wouldn't get wet. power went out at my apt (didn't record the game i wanted to see). restaurant we went to for dinner (me & kids) didn't have my fave beer. W was kinda cold yesterday. had a small fender bender at the Disney on Ice venue. got home and still no power. up all night throwing up. power didn't come on until 1a.have to work 16 hrs today. saw W this am. she was nicer and gave me a couple of good hugs. told me her tentative plans on tues night(usually keeps me in the dark-but i don't ask). i took the kids to church with me cause she wanted to go by herself. she ended up sleeping in. feel pretty low right now. she hasn't mentioned anything bout me signing the settlement. her atty was supposed to send me something but hasn't yet. i know that the timing will depend on what she wants to do. hoping the positive vacay might give her pause but not expecting it. any thoughts?

[bravo61]

W just came over to pick up the kids. she came in and sat down in the chair by me. made pleasant small talk bout her job and day. she asked if i had anything to drink and asked if i would drink a beer with her. just so happens that i had 2 kolsch style beers (the only beer we both like) and opened them for us. we played a couple of songs on youtube that the kids and she wanted to here. she was showing pics on her phone to D and i saw that she still had family photos from the vacay on it. i mentioned that me and S had been talking bout how cool it would be someday to get a cabin in the mountains for Christmas. she said that she had been thinking bout it and was planning on looking into it. while saying that she looked at me and said that she couldn't commit to it. i said that's cool, i was just thinking someday it would be cool. she mentioned that a hotel on mt. hood usually has deals around then so she must have been seriously considering it already to have that knowledge already. whatever, that's up to her, she would have to initiate that. she ended up staying here around 45 minutes. walked them all out to the car. she waited till after i put D in the car so she could get her python hug and kiss on her forehead. keep in mind, i never say i love you or tell her i'll always be there for her. i just make a point of the hugs and forehead kisses as my 180. i don't get my hopes up about them. she did mention that she wished that i had halloween off to go trick or treating with them. oh well, back to my fortress of solitude. what sux is that today while i was driving around today, i heard a song that i hadn't heard in years. bryan white's "i'm not supposed to love you anymore". of course i immediately burst into tears. wonder how many folks will now youtube that song. I HATE YOU BRYAN WHITE!! i love you my sweet girl (W's nick name).

[bravo61]

so on my way to the gym this morning, i got a text from the W. turns out she was seriously considering the mountain deal. well we are not staying overnight, but she booked dinner at the major lodge there for all of us. she even mentioned that we could go tubing before the dinner (@330p) before Santa made an appearance at the lodge. she said "maybe the kids will fall asleep on the way back" w/a smiley face. i did not initiate any of it but was positive in my responses and did not draw it out. she said it was expensive but she would buy. then 30 minutes later while i'm grunting in the gym, she comes walking in looking great. she came over and gave me a hug. finished workout and went and said goodbye to her. she made small talk bout the morning w/the kids. gave her a hug and told her to have fun at dinner tonight. positive interaction?

[bravo61]

GAL activity of the day: took D for her first manicure. the entire time she had a smile on her face. she kept turning and looking at me and blowing air kisses. i never thought i would be doing stuff like that and i'm upset that i haven't done it my kids' whole life. what an as*hat i was.

[bravo61]

definite bad nite with the W. i asked her bout the Christmas list and putting things together here for the kids. she said she was gonna make it a girls nite and do it at a friends house cause that's what she "usually does". um, you've been here for 1 Christmas. i said ok if that's what you want to do. i just usually put the things together. she was pissed at that cause in her mind i never did it. i told her i didn't always do all of it and i certainly didn't want to minimize what she did. she tried to suck me into to naming the things i put together. i told her i dind't make notes but i understood where she was coming from. she was very short at there car and didn't offer a hug. i told her i was sorry i upset her and she said she would get over it by tomorrow. she kinda glared at me and said she hopes i have a good shift tomorrow night. kinda tipping her hand that she has no interest in contact tomorrow. kinda knocked the wind out of my sails.