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blndsid Offline OP
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Had a couple final good days with the W out of the house. The boys stayed last night with the in-laws and I got to go out with a friend who's a law talking guy. Got some free advice as he's worked a couple D's but not his specialty. He's too close to me and W to be my ATTY, but free advice is good. Besides, specialist is needed with this case.

You know why Ds are so expensive? Because they're worth it (rimshot).

Just a joke I read the other day. As I write this before bed, my W plane was to land at 9:50pm, it is currently 12:15am. It didn't take her long to test my resolve regarding not asking where she's been. Don't intend to say a thing. Not even a "was your flight late". I've got to let her go and turn her over to God. Worrying about her is too much to bear alone.

Otherwise, took boys to church, then ate lunch with them at my mom's. Then nap and then "trunk or treat" back at the church this evening. She asked me to text her pics and I did. Last I heard from her she was about to board her flight, same flight as OM1 if you're not keeping score. Came home, put boys to bed and cleaned most of the house. Have done most of the laundry in the last day or so, so that's one less thing.

So, I guess maybe I'll talk to her tomorrow assuming she actually comes home. At this point my resistance to complete detachment and filing are quickly waning. I'm tired. Off to bed.


Me: 37, W: 36
S6, S3
M: 8
T:11
Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14
Began DB: 9/20/14
W "ended" 1st A repeatedly
Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 62
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blndsid Offline OP
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My wife snooped on my phone/text messages between me and my best friend a week or so ago. We just throw around ideas and have been trying to figure things out, and he's really a sounding board for me. I delete the "bad" texts, but nothing we discuss is anything I'd hide from her, except anything pertaining to strategy.

Anyhow, W goes to conference with OM1, comes back after a week, and then tries to snoop on my phone again her first day back. I installed a program to take a pic and e-mail to me any incorrect phone opening attempts. She tried 5 times before it locked her out for 30 seconds.

Why would a WAW give a damn about snooping on my phone? What does that say about her state of mind (besides she's bat sh!t crazy)? Thoughts?


Me: 37, W: 36
S6, S3
M: 8
T:11
Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14
Began DB: 9/20/14
W "ended" 1st A repeatedly
Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 62
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blndsid Offline OP
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Had a good first day with her back, at least regarding my rules I set for myself. She got home around 1:00. I didn't say a single word about it. Nothing.

She did have to bring up the drunk dial from my friend. She was apparently not too fond of that. Might have hit too close to home, but she's so far gone I doubt that's the case. For the record I apologized that it happened.

Only physical contact today was as we got in bed a few minutes ago. She reached out her hand and I grasped it momentarily.

Still debating at what point is her disrespect enough to punch out. I just don't want to file for D prematurely because she is planning to meet with an ATTY. I'll take it day by day and see how she reacts to my LRT. I don't see myself making much more than a week or two with her home like this. One more all-nighter and that'll probably do it for me.

I've done good not to snoop. Figure her texting records will be there whenever needed in the future. Still perplexed by her interest to go through my phone. She's the cheat and liar, not me.


Me: 37, W: 36
S6, S3
M: 8
T:11
Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14
Began DB: 9/20/14
W "ended" 1st A repeatedly
Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 62
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blndsid Offline OP
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Rules to live by, in case you wondered:

Do not initiate contact.
Do not say ILY
Give her space, leave room first
Be more patient with boys
Be / Show more confidence
Don't sigh getting into bed
No talking under your breath
Keep a PMA!
NO mention of the A
NO mention of the R
NO mention of OM
NO snooping
Never ask or worry about where W is


Me: 37, W: 36
S6, S3
M: 8
T:11
Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14
Began DB: 9/20/14
W "ended" 1st A repeatedly
Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Going back over your "list" of your shortcomings in the M. Much of them were snarky responses and you seemed to confine to belittle what the problems were. Your attitude in a lot of them were like " well I changed and she should be lucky I did so. Since I changed there is no reason why she shouldn't be happy"

Doesn't work when there seems to be a lack of sincerity.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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blndsid Offline OP
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Ok, so a few things have changed since my last post.

I'll reply to MrBond first. I appreciate any and all comments, and it helps me take a step back and look at myself. Thanks.

I don't doubt while I wrote my shortcomings I was in a snarky state of mind as I felt many of her complains were "script" and the same as so many told to other LBS on the board. I have been truly trying to change me and focus on my boys, it's just I haven't seen any effort from her to change the way she's acting towards our M. Except that I believe there is an OM2 and OM3 now. I also think the perception of me "quitting" my job was the primary trigger for her "he doesn't do anything right" attitude towards me. In a drunken rage this week she did mention that "all of a sudden you've become superdad for the last 6 weeks." So she has noticed some things.

I turned down a GM position because I acknowledged it was keeping me away from my family. She was involved in the decision, and specifically told it could mean loosing my job all together. Ironically, had he fired me that day instead of letting me work several more months, he would have been the bad guy. As it was, I got that label. That's the past, learn and keep chugging along. I feel that I have to bail on my consulting business and find an 8-5 job that she may see as "real". If nothing else, I'd better get serious so I have benefits again. Something I took for granted having a wife to lean on. Misjudged that one, for sure.


Me: 37, W: 36
S6, S3
M: 8
T:11
Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14
Began DB: 9/20/14
W "ended" 1st A repeatedly
Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 62
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blndsid Offline OP
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So, after much soul searching and talking to the handful of people who know my sitch, I decided to file for D on 10/28/14, officially filed 10/29. I talked to the ATTY while W was away but I put off a decision until she got back, to see if her attitude had changed. Her staying out until 1:00a that night, with no contact after she said she was boarding in Chicago about 6:45p, was something I see now as another sign of disrespect to me. Part of that includes hearing a message from now OM3 that he was on the way to meet her at a bar that night. I checked her text records on the phone bill and this is the guy she text as soon as she landed that night. Then through about 11:00p, with a break until a couple right around 12:45a. Yay.

So, it's filed during the day Wednesday. I felt I was completely fed up. How many men does it take to 'escape' me not going to the zoo with the kids? (snarky intended) I don't see any other way to show I was serious about my open marriage boundary and the disrespect of OMs. I know she had an appointment to meet an ATTY, but apparently she hadn't filed yet.

I felt bad, mostly for the kids, but it was also a great relief and I knew I'd be alright. Now the courts can sort out her texting log, right?

Wednesday afternoon the W text to say her and coworkers were going out for a beer or two after work. Said she knew I had plans to go out about 7:30 (part of GAL) but she was going to be home no later than 6. I said that was fair, and she planned to go.

I fed the boys, went for a walk with them. She text at 6:15 to say she was finishing a beer and then on the way. After our walk, I text her about 7:15 and just said "6?". She replied with a pic of a half full beer and said she was finishing up and then going to leave.

At 7:50 I text to tell her the boys were ready for their baths. Got no reply. During the evening I had told the boys that mom would be home (at 6 right?) and then I was going to go somewhere. As I'm brushing S5 teeth, he asks if mom is coming home. I told him, "I don't know", which was an honest response, I didn't know. He then said, "if you are going out and mom isn't here, who is going to watch us". Complete with lower lip quiver as he said it. Broke my heart.

I bowed up and told him "I am not going anywhere. I will be here when you wake up. I promise." This calmed him down and we finished up. As I put him to bed we say a standard little prayer. S5 asks "can we pray that mom comes home tonight". So I prayed with him for that. Crushed my broken heart.

After putting him to bed, at 8:58p I text her: "Don't bother coming home tonight. Boys are read to and in bed. I'm not going out." Of course, no response. Did I say I felt bad about filing? That feeling was fleeting.

She finally gets home about . . . sorry, I got to get some sleep, more to come.


Me: 37, W: 36
S6, S3
M: 8
T:11
Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14
Began DB: 9/20/14
W "ended" 1st A repeatedly
Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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"I don't doubt while I wrote my shortcomings I was in a snarky state of mind as I felt many of her complains were "script" and the same as so many told to other LBS on the board. I have been truly trying to change me and focus on my boys, it's just I haven't seen any effort from her to change the way she's acting towards our M. "

Then you didn't understand what DBing is all about. It's about changing your for you, irregardless of whether or not your spouse responds. It doesn't even seem as if you read the book.

It's why you haven't been successful. You never did believe in the system because you let your pride get in the way. You gave it a half effort.

Good luck to your sons.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Do you have more than one thread going?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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blndsid Offline OP
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I do get the feeling I am missing something. I read DB but I'm sure I glazed over parts. Knowing how I learn, a re-read will be in order. An emergency re-read at this point. When I learn to fix a car I do best to read about it, then work on it, then re-read the manual to really grasp the concepts.

My mindset with my changes has been that I will be a better dad and husband/boyfriend in the future and learn from what my W has expressed to me. I don't want or intend to go back to where I was before. Whether with her or someone else. My employment to a "real job" appears to be a major factor, but that 180 takes more time and I had been looking for months before any of this hit the fan.

My concern is that there is something more sinister going on with my W. She's acting like a drug addict in regards to these OM. It appears she uses sexting to work herself up on brain chemicals and adrenaline. Add her prozac, nicotine patches (2 a day habit), alcohol when not at work, and the sneaking around factor. It appears to me this has ramped up over the last few weeks, including bringing in OM 2 and 3 to meet her needs. OM1 is married with children and thus can't be on-call outside of work. At what point do you have to step in and do something to intervene with destructive behavior? OM8, 9, or a drunk driving arrest or car accident? It's very Jekyll and Hyde.

I didn't file D because I want scorched Earth, although that is what could happen. I did it because I can't live like this, watching what is happening to my W and the kid's mother. My other attempts to confront or go to counseling have been fruitless or made matters worse. I'm sure her mother doesn't know all of this, and her father knows none of it. However DB seems against exposure. The D will force exposure, whether good or bad.

Filing for D was my attempt to make a final stand. I still have to serve her the papers, and I have written a letter apologizing for anything I did to push a wonderful person to this point. I'm basically telling her I never wanted D, I'm sorry, and she is free to go if that's what she wants. At the end I wrote that if she wanted to work on a new marriage with a new husband and new wife, that I would work to that goal. From this day forward, keeping the lessons but putting the past behind.

Any outside thoughts are welcome. I hope to slow play the D and hope it gets her attention about my refusal to be in an open marriage. Discussing R outside counseling has led to more bitterness or spite, and she sees counseling as pointless. I'm still going to counseling for me.


Me: 37, W: 36
S6, S3
M: 8
T:11
Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14
Began DB: 9/20/14
W "ended" 1st A repeatedly
Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.
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