Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 62
B
blndsid Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 62
Here's my background thread: Wife in denied but ongoing affair. What to do?

Short story, W was found to be having A first of September, 2014. She said she'd been unhappy for a while, that I didn't help or spend time with the kids enough, and that I quit my job last year without regard to her lifestyle or her feelings about it. All explained in the linked story of doom above. Have been working 180's, detach, and GAL.

I have called her out on the A three times now. Every time she says she has ended it, but instead just changes her way of communicating. She just gets more and more bitter/angry/spiteful the more times I confront her that it is continuing. Last Thursday I drew the line and said I knew it was ongoing, that it was disrespectful to me and the family, and that I would not live in an open marriage. That I didn't want a divorce, and I'd work on myself and anything else to avoid it, but I was not afraid of it like I was 6 weeks ago.

Again she said she ended it that night, then went out on Friday night and sent dozens of texts to OM1 and another OM, known as OM2. Later she admitted she was sending the most awful texts she could hoping I was reading them (I wasn't), and hoping they hurt me. Based on the timing of the texts, either her phone battery died, or she met up with OM2 that night/morning.

Apparently over the weekend she read some texts between me and my best man, who lives safely out of the country. She brought several of them up this Monday in some angry e-mails and said she could read texts too. I never changed my phone security because I felt I have nothing to hide. She's just reading our texts and doesn't like that we brainstorm to figure out my sitch.

It was during this e-mail exchange on Monday that she called and made an appointment to visit an ATTY. Funny enough I did too, but changed my mind after talking to her on Monday afternoon. After I saw her email to OM saying she'd made the appointment, I told her I made an appointment but cancelled it. She didn't admit to her appointment, but told me maybe I should go and see what I could learn.

I talked to a couple friends and they said if she's actually going, then her ATTY will push her to file first considering her weak case. I rescheduled my appointment and went this morning. Imagine that, my ATTY said I should file first and gave very good reasons why. I followed that meeting with a visit with pastor. Then called several friends who know the sitch and asked their thoughts.

My boys will understand my decision when they get older, without a doubt. It's just, I made a promise to my W and boys that I would stay married to W through the hard times, and good. It really hasn't been that long to see how it plays out, but I don't want to look weak or be at a disadvantage should W be gung ho to move ahead.


The end of the book touches on it, but makes it really a personal choice. My question and reason for a new thread, according to DB principals, is there a right or wrong time to file for D? Should I wait being afraid it might push her into the D or cause her to blame the D on me, since I filed first? What are all the DB'ers experiences when it came time to file for D and how did that work with the DB methods?


Me: 37, W: 36
S6, S3
M: 8
T:11
Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14
Began DB: 9/20/14
W "ended" 1st A repeatedly
Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
If you file, you control the pace. If it looks like she's going to file it might be best if you filed first.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
Sorry to hear about your situation. I am not vet, just a novice struggling with similar issues. This issue is very new for you. Less than two months since the A was discovered. I do think filing for D seems a bit premature. Also, I would not base your decision on what your W might do. You need to do it because you want to. I understand the legal side, but I personally would wait. You and she appear very angry. I have read that the right time to file for D is when you are not emotional. Don't do it to get a reaction out of her. Do it because you want the D.

What are other options? What about you? Work on yourself. Become a better man and father. Detach and GAL. Do some 180s. While I know that is hard, it seems a better place to be than filing for a D (unless you really are done).


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 412
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 412
Everyone is different. I told my wife in no uncertain terms that I'd agree to a separation so she can do what she wants without having to look at me all the time, and revisit what we want at a time in the future TBD by her.

No dice.

Evaluating your posts at face value, it seems that there is alot of anger jumping around the two of you, and you need to get some distance emotionally and physically. How you choose to do that is your business.

How do you want to be remembered? 1 year from now? 10? 50?


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 62
B
blndsid Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 62
Thanks for the replies. Shodan, I'm glad you chimed in as I have been reading your threads and trying to get caught up, more every night. Our sitches are similar and I'm learning a lot from Train, Starsky and the others. I know Starsky said he filed for D in one of his posts, curious how he got to that point.

Starsky, where art thou?

Honestly, the 'feeling' isn't there at this point. Like I said, mine is a short time sitch compared to so many others on this board. The logic dictates that I should do it, with her appointment and talk of a separation, but part of why I'm here is because I see everything through a filter of logic and I thought W did too. Many people have posted about threats of D from a WAS without ever seeing the papers. I'm not sure she'd do it at this point, but I don't know who that person is anymore, so there's no telling.

As for the anger, I am actually pretty laid back about the whole thing, all things considered. That is so long as I'm not snooping. I have never raised my voice during any of our discussions, though she has raised her's several times, but I wouldn't call it yelling. Most of her anger seems to come from not knowing how I know so much, no matter how she tries to hide it. Me confronting her brings out serious anger and spite. I am the turd in her punch bowl.

Now that I drew my line, and basically told her I can't believe anything she says, I'm curious how long I say I'm not afraid of D until she calls my bluff. I don't want it, and I wouldn't do it out of anger, I am sure of that. I feel like it's a chess match and don't want to get out played, but it is sort of a nuclear option, however that relates to chess.

She is on her week long fantasy trip with OM1 this week. Her appointment is on the 29th. I have a couple other people I want to talk to before I decide. If based on gut feeling, I'm not there yet.


Me: 37, W: 36
S6, S3
M: 8
T:11
Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14
Began DB: 9/20/14
W "ended" 1st A repeatedly
Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 62
B
blndsid Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 62
I re-read the replies and I think I should own the anger issue mentioned as well. I would say I'm more frustrated than angry, but for sure the snooping and thus knowing every lie she tells when she tells it would have to be described as anger, or poison to the soul. Intend to let the A and snooping go and focus on me again.

A stat that bothered me was from my pastor. I asked him how many couples he'd worked with in his career (30 yrs) where one filed for D and it didn't actually happen. He said it was very, very few. Almost all went through since whoever filed usually saw it as the last option.

Still back and forth on the D filing decision. I want to work on things but I also think it would get her attention and make her realize I'm serious about not living in an open marriage. Not sure how else you hold that boundary without some sort of act of defiance. Confronting her about the A obviously doesn't work. It just makes her angry and more spiteful. D filing might do the same, I guess, but I bet it would shake up the fantasy world she is living in now.

I also like that it would theoretically allow me to control the pace. I would make it clear that I'd delay moving forward as long as she and I attended MC on a regular basis. But does MC even matter if the A is on going behind the scenes? She'd probably say I was forcing her to go to MC, but actually she would still have an option, go forward with the D. I hate this mind reading crap.


Me: 37, W: 36
S6, S3
M: 8
T:11
Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14
Began DB: 9/20/14
W "ended" 1st A repeatedly
Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 62
B
blndsid Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 62
Reasons to file:
-She has shown no signs of working on the marriage or that she wants to end what she has with OM1.
-Confronting the A has only led to more hostility/spite/anger and her going further underground to try and hide it better, not let it go.
-Never admitted to the A, but tells me it's over after each confrontation.
-Has said she 'developed feelings for him'.
-She has mentioned wanting trial separation and some days feels like D is needed.
-The day after last confrontation/denial/break up (where I make clear I refuse to live in an open marriage) she goes out to bar, texts om1 and om2 ad nausium. Possibly met up with om2.
-Later said she was sending the most vile, horrible text messages she could in the hopes I was reading them and that they would hurt me.
-Getting number from OM2 at wedding, while I was there.
-With snooping ended no telling what number of OM she's on
-Went thru all sorts of gymnastics to suggest OM1 was not on her flights to and from her conference. He was.
-She had sex that had potential to cause negative health affects to me as she continued relations w/me at the same time.
-GoG proposal, not typical of former W.
-She works with OM1, and has said she has no intention of leaving job (unless caught and fired of course). So, there is NO WAY to have or enforce a no contact boundary.

. . .to name a few.


Me: 37, W: 36
S6, S3
M: 8
T:11
Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14
Began DB: 9/20/14
W "ended" 1st A repeatedly
Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 62
B
blndsid Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 62
I met with an ATTY last week to discuss the D. I wasn't sure as I didn't want to jump the gun or go off half cocked. So I decided to wait until W got back from her work conference (with OM1) and see if time apart might have swayed her one way or the other. She text at 6:45 to say she was about to board the plane. Her flight landed at 9:50 (same flight as OM1). She got home at 1:00am. Didn't contact me to let me know she'd be late. Next morning I didn't even mention a thing about it.

I decided to look at her texting log from Sunday until today. She text OM2 right after me at 6:47. Then another number, aka OM3, who met her at a bar about 11:00pm. After the 2 hour break, she text him one last time about 1:00am. Not sure the whole story of course, but she didn't even respect me enough to text and say she'd be late. At least she didn't lie, I guess, since I didn't ask about it.

Considering those things listed above, her complete lack of respect, and how she was clearly rubbing my face in it, followed by long discussions with friends and my best man (as solid as they come), I went down and started the filing process today. Paid the retainer and go back Thursday for the nitty gritty details. I won't say a word to her about it until I hear it has been delivered to the courthouse.

Through it all today, I didn't feel bad when she got home. Not sad, but almost a relief that my days of reviewing phone bills and e-mails were over. However, this evening as I took my boys for a walk, I wondered how I/we would have to try to explain to S5 and S3 what was going on. Also, the thought of telling my brothers and mother the truth just about brought me down. However, seeing my wife tonight, it brought that sense of relief.

Looking at her picture earlier, taken before this all supposedly started, I just wonder where the monster came from who took over my lovely wife and the mother of my kids. It's ugly, and I don't understand that part at all.


Me: 37, W: 36
S6, S3
M: 8
T:11
Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14
Began DB: 9/20/14
W "ended" 1st A repeatedly
Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
It is a personal choice. In Divorce Remedy, there is a short sentence where Michele says if a WAS refuses to end the A, get a lawyer and consider your options.

You can only confront so many times! After that, the ball is in your court. Confrontation, in itself, doesn't solve anything, and obviously doesn't mean the end of an A or wayward lifestyle.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
I should have included in that last post, that Michele says that when you've done all you know to do and the S refuses to end the A, then you may have to consider D.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard