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Jefe Offline OP
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Will do, Hope.

I hope I am timing all of this stuff correctly. I'm frantically working om my amends with my sponsor so I can start going down that road too.

I had a good afternoon conversation with the Wife about her new job today and and their new demands. It was nice getting to speak with her as she laughed and joked and actually received my opinion about things in a non-threatened manner.

I took the opportunity to again stress to her that I was looking for a full time job and why. It didn't come out quite as Hope and I discussed as it was very impromptu, but I think I did OK.

I told her my intentions and she said "I think that is a good idea, because it's so hard for us never knowing when the money's coming in." She said "us" and "we" so much that she caught herself and said "you". I said, no, you were correct, it's us. Then I said, "I'm sorry if I had known taking us down this path was going to make you feel this uncomfortable and uneasy and stress us both out, I never would have done it. It just wasn't worth it. I'm sorry.

I think she heard what I was trying to say. She wanted to get off the phone right after that, so I hope I didn't screw that up.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Jefe Offline OP
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Another pleasant 15 minute conversation with the W. She called as soon as she left her league, an hour earlier than normal, too. Just general discussion on how each other's day went. That makes 3 times today. Almost feel like we're not separated, almost. We used to say to each other how weird and wrong it felt if we didn't talk to each other at least once during the day. The end of the day after getting the kids down was "our time" to wrap up the day and plan tomorrow's. It's also a time during the last few months before the S that I started taking for granted and not engaging in. I'm glad she's reaching out. I have really missed it since she took it away. Who's DBing who here?

I swear, the phone rings and I feel like a giddy school girl waiting to be asked to the prom.

Is it possible to have so many emotions co-existing simultaneously? I happy she's calling, hopeful, cautious, anxious, scared, and hurt all at the same time. Geeze.

Goodnight and serious heartfelt prayers to each and every one of you guys.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Jefe Offline OP
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And again 15-20 minutes spent on phone this morning (I think thisis starting to become a habit) discussing kids, jobs, future...wait, what? There was actually future discussed and the words us and we were included. No R talk, just future financial situations.

I'll take it.

Now, could someone please explain to me why I'm so nervous and scared right now? I have just a general unsettled feeling and I can't stand it.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 412
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Jefe: Our Lord and Savior did not give us a spirit of fear. Embrace the emotion for what it should be - Hope.

It is scary because...what if it doesn't work? What if we slip?

Answer: You will be no worse off than you were 9/11/14.

I told Nitty this a while back, and it seems appropriate to your sitch: Know, KNOW DEEP IN YOUR HEART, that I would go to war to be where you are right now. With a shot. An actual chance. Do not let fear stop you from doing what you know you must to put your marriage back together.

Prayers going up, my friend. Have an excellent day.

And before I hit send...I think I got a quick message from above. You are to avoid "Why" questions with your W. That's it.


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 151
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I think the nervousness is akin to the realization that you have a winning lottery ticket in your possession. You know you are winner, but you still have to keep it safe and not loose it. So - keep up what you are doing, it's drawing her back in. Treat the process as you would if you were keeping that ticket safe. ;-)


Me:40
W:39
M:Dec 95
Split: Jul 14
W Filed: 9/16/14
Several Children
(including adopted)
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Jefe Offline OP
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Shake, I know without a doubt that fear is not of him. I have prayed for him to remove this and to help me just rely on him. And you're right. Worst case, we're back at square one, and even that was not a completely hopeless situation.

I remember the Nitty conversation. I commented too. Easier to see it from the other side.

The 'Why" questions... I don't even think I could explain why I've done some of the stupid crap I have that helped get us here. I guess when I can answer that I'll have the right to ask.

Fundad, that's an excellent analogy. It's how to keep this ticket safe that has me a bit worried. I think the correct answer is: Give It To God.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
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Jefe ... great progress!!

Sounds like she is coming slowly out of the fog, be the rock and the lighthouse as you have been .. continue to fix what YOU control ... its working!


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Jefe Offline OP
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Oh Lord, Here we go...


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Jefe Offline OP
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OP Offline
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Wife just texted me and is pushing her latest agenda again on OM1/Sperm donor visitation. She is wanting to visit them every other week for an extended period. I called her and said I'm a little uncomfortable with this, I think it's too much. I offered once a month, She hung up on me.

I texted her to please talk to me, she said she'd call in a minute. This is a hot button issue and given why we are at where we are at, this is difficult for me to keep my cool.

I don't want to blow this, but I find the arrangement over the top.

May God guide me at this very moment... Lord, guide my thoughts, Lord guide my tongue, Lord guide my heart.

OK, I just got off the phone. It went OK. Not great, but not horrible.

Last edited by Jefe; 10/29/14 02:13 AM. Reason: Update

Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
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Posts: 176
Normally I would ask what you think you should have done different. Or what you think you did right. But this issue has come up before and I think it really needs to be addressed.

You need to stop dismissing your wife on this issue.

No matter how you feel about OM1—he is your daughter’s biological father. It borders on child abuse to fight a stronger relationship between your daughter and OM1--if he is genuinely attempting a stronger relationship with her. Adults make terrible decisions and children pay for those terrible decisions all the time.

To be completely blunt--Your wife should have married OM1 and built a life with him before their daughter was born. You encroached on their family. Not the other way around. So stop believing you are entitled to anything regarding his child. Just because you were given the privilege to raise this child did not eliminate OM1 from this child’s life.

I know it makes you angry when he gets the privilege of being a father without responsibility. I know it makes you jealous when you see your wife accommodating him and ignoring you. But she isn’t accommodating him as his wife—she is accommodating him as the child’s mother. And this is the right thing to do.

I don’t know what your wife said but if she wants OM1 to spend more time with your daughter and OM1 wants to spend more time with your daughter—then, doggone it, you should embrace this—not hinder it. Unless OM1 is a danger to his daughter--Any arrangement allowing for more intimacy should be embraced.

And let me be clear by “danger to his daughter.”

I do not mean you have different parenting styles. This can be negotiated.

By “danger to his daughter” I mean he has an addiction, engages in criminal activity, is (or lives with) a sex offender.

If none of these exist…then I think you need to revisit the discussion with your wife.


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
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