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LisaB #2501311 10/28/14 02:23 AM
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Card, the bad news is the good news. This is a long road. You don't need to (nor can you) undo what was just done. By learning the lessons, however, you can show her with you actions and behavior for the next 3-6 months. I know it stings to be reminded of the timelines, but after a few months pass what you told her this week will be ancient history.

I did the same thing. My STBX was asking about if I was dating and why I was acting so different. I told her I wasn't dating at this time as I was trying to avoid self medicating, and that I was jus trying to do better.

But then I made the mistake of telling my sister more. I told her my stance on marriage, working on myself, and that I didn't believe in dating for a long time after the D. Problem is that my sister has turned into good friends with my STBX. Found out they talk an hour a day, text all day long. So I'm sure all of that got back to my STBX. But that was a month ago, since then I've been more careful. My 'mystery' combined with my actions today (filing separation) may start the process of letting her wonder. Or it may take months or not happen. I don't care anymore, I'm just not going to reassure her of anything again on principal. Besides, while I don't intend to date, who knows what the future holds.

Ps- sorry to hijack, but ill mention I'm put off with my sister becoming bffs with my STBX. It's one thing to remain a friend, it's another to get that close, particularly when the dust hasn't settled and she is in the middle of a family being torn apart. I almost feel my sister is codependent and playing the 'rescuer' role. The fact is that if she were a brother and got that close with her...I wouldn't have a brother anymore most likely. And though there's clearly no PA as she's another woman, the emotional intimacy they share feels like a betrayal. I'm not going to end a relationship with my sister over it and accept I can't control her decisions or action. But I WILL be setting strong boundaries like not telling her anything I wouldn't say in front of my STBX. Considering where I'm at in my life that means very casual contact only until she either detached from my STBX or enough time has past that were all remarried and I don't care anymore.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Card29 #2501321 10/28/14 02:52 AM
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She also has outwardly encouraged me to date on a couple of occasions. I wonder if she is trying to remove some of the blame of the S from herself and put it on me? At BD, she asked "do you want me to move out?" A few days later she told me she intended to, so I think the first question was an attempt to make the S my idea.


Believe none of what the sat and only half of what they do.

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Maybe it's time for boundaries? I have been extremely flexible with her


Boundaries are essential, but you must full understand how it works.i


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We have two dogs that I have had 95% of the time since S. She gets them for a day or two when her schedule is open and she feels like it. Maybe I need to say we need to split the dogs equally and give her a taste of the daily struggle to walk them multiple times, feed them, clean them
.

Decide if you want to split the dogs. And do it. If you want joint custody, you are opening the door for more agrifation, You would have to have a schedules for the dogs, think it over thoroughly.

It best not to make decisions with certain life lessons in store for her. She will perceive it as being punitive from you. Just honestly work out what you want and be fair about it.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2501327 10/28/14 03:23 AM
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
the actions it once would have taken for you to get the MR back on track won't work at this point. Why? B/c now it's complicated. You are no longer M to the same person. They have changed. They think differently, and more importantly, they see YOU differently.....and it ain't good.
Here's how I explain it to myself. In a R, if your spouse tells you "I love you", it reinforces the R. On the other hand, if a colleague tells you the same thing, you'll be put off and run away. When our WAS announces his/her decision to leave, we go from spouse to colleague. It turns everything on its head.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2501480 10/28/14 03:37 PM
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Well I'm over the food poisoning or stomach virus, whatever it was.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Boundaries are essential, but you must fully understand how it works.
Are there any good resources/threads to check out to get a good understanding of boundaries? I basically don't want to pretend like everything is okay if she is dating. I used to think that if it got to this point, I would need to go complete NC for my own sake, but I don't feel that way now.

I'm going to need to read that post from you, sandi, everyday for a while. I guess I'm confused because in DR, there is a specific example of a R'd M where the LBS was a friend to WAW while she was having an A.

I have also seen reports lately from DB Coach phone calls where they said you have to be friendly at some point. I guess there is a difference between being friendly and being "best friends"?

How about this for some potentially mysterious behavior...I have been going to a group salsa dance class (beginner level) for the last 2 months. I've been thinking of hosting a salsa dance party at my house with regulars from the class, and maybe even inviting the instructors. Post a few pictures to FB?


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2501650 10/28/14 08:17 PM
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Quote:
Are there any good resources/threads to check out to get a good understanding of boundaries?


Yes, but I will have to search for it. If I find the one I'm, thinking about, I'll post the link.

Quote:
I'm going to need to read that post from you, sandi, everyday for a while. I guess I'm confused because in DR, there is a specific example of a R'd M where the LBS was a friend to WAW while she was having an A.


If it is the one among those letters Michele received, I can only tell you this......I have never seen another one anywhere except that particular one in her book. I think it has probably done more damage to male masculinity and dignity in M's than about anything I can think of at the moment, but I'm sure that's just my own personal opinion. Needless to say, I feel very strongly about this. I have been here for seven years and you can look at the amount of posts by my name and get some small idea of how many I have read that I never replied to......and never among those thousands of posts have I found another such case where the LBH was the best friend to the WAW who was in an A, and them ending with a successful M. For one thing, she cannot respect him! He is going to be her bosom friend while she betrays him? Who does that to friends? Or who wants to be a friend to someone who would treat them that way? No, she won't respect a man like that! So, I'm sorry if I come across too strong, but I do not agree with it and wish with all my heart Michele had never included it. But hey, if you don't think anymore of yourself than to be her buddy while she openly disrespects you.....I can't stop you. But be warned that it is a trap you are laying for yourself. You have already compromised your own standards by allowing what you thought you would never stand for, right? If you don't know where to draw the line, then you will eventually question everything and find excuses......just to hang on to her. I hope she is worth your dignity, b/c that's what you'll be giving up.

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I have also seen reports lately from DB Coach phone calls where they said you have to be friendly at some point. I guess there is a difference between being friendly and being "best friends"?


I never said you couldn't conduct yourself in a friend-ly manner. Yes, of course there is a difference. Being best friends is a relationship, but you can speak in a friendly manner to a stranger. And yes, at some point things have to change in order to reconcile the M. But as long as she is wanting to date other men while she's M to you, you aren't at that point!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2501667 10/28/14 08:40 PM
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Thanks for clarifying. I really need to meditate on these things because I think she lacked respect for me already, before BD. I would love it if you can find the boundary information. I really want to establish some kind of boundary, but I'm not sure where to establish it, or how (directly in an e-mail/face-to-face/text or just by my actions).

These boards are incredibly helpful but for someone like me going through the biggest crisis of their life, the swirling opinions and advice can sometimes create chaos inside of my head.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2501689 10/28/14 09:38 PM
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If this will get Starsky's attention, maybe he will help me find Coach's thread on boundaries. I have lost my bookmarks and I can't seem to find the thread I wanted to pass along. I think he will know the one.

I understand about your emotional stress and how all of this can be confusing. I am here to pay forward, hopefully, the help I received when I first arrived. Even though I come from the other side of the fence, I have learned so much from the LBS who reside in DB community. It takes all of us sharing and learning together. This board helped me have the strength to stay in my M when I wanted to run away. I believe it can help you in your stitch.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2501691 10/28/14 09:46 PM
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Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2501712 10/28/14 10:26 PM
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Thanks, Maybell. Great stuff there. Ugh I am so conflicted. I really need to think about what to do before I make any moves. Just now, WAW offered a FaceTime (Skype) with her and D2, presumably because D2 was upset about me being sick yesterday. I can't accept it right now, because I'm out of the house due to a showing and I need wifi to FaceTime. But I don't think I would want to exclude things like that with a boundary because it is for D2.

I just need to think and not rush this.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2501737 10/28/14 11:55 PM
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Yes, thanks Maybell.

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But I don't think I would want to exclude things like that with a boundary because it is for D2.


No, you don't want to do that. You've had to digest a lot today. Don't make any sudden decisions about anything that you don't fully understand. Give yourself some time to think about the things that are the absolute most important.. What in life can you not live without? What in life would you never tolerate?

This is not for us to know, but for you to decide for yourself. Think about how your W's behavior/actions fit into all of it. If she dishonors or breaks one or more of your boundaries.........what will you do? Remember, these are not ultimatums. This is not to threaten or control her. The only control you have is your own action/behavior in response to hers.

Once you know for certain where you stand and what you are prepared to do, you will be more ready to make your boundaries known to her, if need be. Not that you have to go around crowing about all your boundaries all of a sudden (like I've seen some do), but if you need to make a statement about it, you will feel better prepared.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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