I don't know. I guess I can say you're welcome if he took the time to acknowledge something I did.
I'm struggling so much right now with letting go. And since I'm not feeling quite ready to be friendly with no expectations, I'm erring on the side of unfriendly.
One year. He's had enough time to see my changes and at least be able to say "I don't want this to happen. But I need more time".
If he still can't even bring himself to open up a tiny bit after all this time, I feel fairly confident I've done everything I can do. My MIL told me that one of the issues in her M was that my FIL was "emotionally unavailable". I see that in my H too. My primary 'LL is words of affection/affirmation. I grew up in a household that lacked that. I can no longer accept being in a marriage without that, or with someone unwilling to work hard on giving that to me even if it doesn't come naturally to him.
I've been without him a whole year, and my life is pretty good. That says a lot.
Ok. I sent a you're welcome txt back. And a thank you for something else he did for me.
If the most that comes out of all this is that he at least wonders, "is this really worth it? Am I really making the right choice?" Even if he is too weak and cowardly to DO anything about that--well, I guess that's something.
This is taking up too much space in my brain today. I have IC but I'm not even looking forward to it.
I took our ketubah off the wall-- its a marriage certificate, but basically a big piece of artwork. It's in a prominent place in the living room and I took it down last night. I had second thoughts as i left the house this morning, but it is too late. He will see it this evening when he comes to get D. I won't be home.
I thought again about those photo booth pictures-- he wrote the bride and groom a check from our joint account which has both our names and marital home address on the check. If he took a date, or was somehow "with" someone there... ew. So tacky.
I reached out one more time to a couple of friends (wives of his friends). I haven't heard back from them in days. I know people are busy, but in this kind of situation, you find a minute to send a quick reply if you want to. So, I'm letting go of them, too. Not in anger, but I just don't have room in my brain and heart for people who don't value me. They all know where to find me if they want. And if not, it's their loss too.
And while I'm not closing the door on anything, I am not actively "DBing". I am pulling back a lot, responding only when necessary, focusing just on me and my daughter.
That sounds a lot like DBing to me.
Last edited by labug; 10/27/1407:01 PM.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Claire, you are doing great! I think all of your feelings and reactions are perfectly justified and normal. And it is great to hear that you feel your life is good one year without him.
Even though he may not have made moves toward you or said that he may have made a mistake, it is completely possible that he has had these thoughts in his mind. Maybe all the time. His loss.
Also about the photos on the bedside table... I know the likely thing is that it was your H and his date in the photos. But you know what? One time while we were still happily married, my H came home late from an office party and put some photo booth photos on his bedside table. They were of him and a group of other coworkers. They stayed on his nightstand for weeks. It had no meaning, he was just too lazy to put it away somewhere. So this photo you saw from afar could have been him and the groom, him and the bride, him and the ringbearer for all we know. Or it could have been his date but it doesn't mean he was gazing at it lovingly while falling asleep. Try not to let it bother you too much, it could have no meaning at all.
Annnnd, here's why I feel ok about completely detaching: I just called to say goodnight (which is unusual, but my babysitter said my D wanted to talk to me, and I didn't get a chance to call before H got home), and he can't even speak to me for a second. D "answered" the phone (she's not even 4 and I called his cell phone). Who the he!! needs that.
Sorry Claire. Though we all come here with the intent of a fairy tale ending, if life was all fairy tales we wouldn't need a DB forum. I know there are some people that gave their M only a snowballs chance that recovered it, but i kind of believe that had as much to do with their partner as it did the sincerity of their DBing. The sad fact is that many people just don't have the strength to stick out a marriage no matter what you do. You got dealt the WAH card in life and it blows up many of your hopes and dreams, leaving you older and a bit shell shocked.
The good news is I know it will paid off. I can assure you there are many good men out there that would love the opportunity to be partnered with you. Just because you've been strong enough not to play the field and had too much respect for yourself not to rebound, that doesn't mean you won't have more love, appreciation, and support in your life than you've ever had in the past. The best part is you know what you want so you're more likely to get it, AND you've turned yourself into a prize which will attract the kinds of men that will appreciate who you are and reciprocate that type of character.
Of course it's scary because there are no guarantees in life. Any of us could turn into a cat lady or creepy old guy. But I am optimistic that a more meaningful M is in your future. I hope for your H's sake he wakes up in time to be that man. Stay strong and keep breathing.
Last edited by Zues126; 10/28/1402:39 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
The generosity of spirit and support of the folks on these boards continues to brighten my heart. What an amazing community this is.
thank you, thank you, thank you all.
(And, now that I've had some time to mull it over... it's just as likely that he doesn't talk to me because it's too painful for him as it is that he's just a jerk.)
