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Quote:
Sandi I don't think your telling me to explode on her are you?


Heavens no. When I said turn it loose, I wasn't referring to your temper. grin
I just meant to let go of how you can't do anything about her poor parenting, and let go of the agrivation and disappointment it causes you when she lets the kids down. You may be repressing more anger than you realize.

I saw my daughter go through this with her XH. It would upset her every time he failed to come through for their child. One day I told her, "Honey, you have a full time job being a great single mom. You can't be the daddy, too. God gave XH that responsibility and it is to God XH will give an account. You can't make him be a good daddy, so don't undertake the job.". Although she had some times the look on her son's face really hurt, she began leaning how to release that bind her XH's neglect had over her. In doing so, she was able to relax and be more pleasant with her son. It was freeing for her.

Yeah, she probably felt like exploding on her XH, too. smile. But she learned she had to let go of the anger. She was surprised how much she had stuffed down.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Sandi, I knew thats what you where saying. It's still disappointing as a co-parent.

Like tonight I got a text from the wife saying how she hates having a empty house and really misses the kids and the noise. And to tell them that she loves them and misses them. Of course this makes me a little upset because she is the one choosing this route not me and this is how I feel. But I'm not going to reply because yes I'm angry at the coment. I told the kids that she loves them and misses them and leave it at that. Not getting any validation for that from me.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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Yep, it is a crazy, mixed up and sometimes a dark and lonely place for the WAS. The reality doesn't match the fantasy they had when it all began. And you would think she could see how she chooses to miss the opportunities with the kids, but it is all part of her fogged out mind.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Should I validate when I get texts like this? Lately I'm second guessing myself on every thing.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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Well, I wouldn't, but that's just me.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Ok I have to kind of laugh at this one. The wife just called and I thought it was going to be my daughter she had some exciting stuff happening at school to tell me, nope it was the wife.

We are suppose to take the kids out for Halloween. Kids request. She says what time do you want to take them out and I'll take them out the other half. I just said wow you can't even go out with me together for the kids. I said what ever. She said what am I suppose to do you won't answer my phone calls or return my texts. You don't care about me. I could be laying here died and you wouldn't know. I send a text saying I miss the kids and you don't reply. I said I told the kids what you said about missing them and loving them. You don't think I miss the kids when I don't have them. What did you think this would be like you wanted this divorce(I have got to stop this, it feels like I'm throwing it back in her face). I do care about you and your well being that is why I have found three councerls to talk to for free consulations. And I would pay for the rest. She said I'm just not ready to talk yet. But you should still answer my calls and texts. I said can you understand my frustration, this has been going on for three months and you will not see or talk to anybody. I want to help but you won't let me. She said this doesn't explain the kids, and there short comings of me. Not calling me or not wanting to talk to me when I do call them. I let them call you when ever they want. I said you can't put that on me they are free to call you or talk to you when ever they want, I would never in a million years tell my kids to disrespect you or be rude to you or they can't call you. That is on you guys, not me. She said Ill talk to you later my daughter needs me. I said ok good bye.

Now I kept my cool for the most part, except when she said I didn't care about her well being. I should have handled that better. But that got me. But to actually say that we should split time with the kids on Halloween at the kids request, how childish. Apparently some one had a bad day or bad news. And I got the blunt end. It's ok, but god I hope she doesn't do that to the kids. They where really looking forward to it. Water off a ducks back!

Just had to journal this because her depression seems to be getting worse by the day.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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3kids,

I think our wives are cut from the same cloth. Last week, mine got mad at me and decided to cancel pre-arranged birthday plans for the family with our D (who turned 4.) She said she cancelled it for our daughter?!? Then when I asked about attending her actual B-day party this week, she said "of course your invited, why wouldn't you be." I said, well you cancelled plans before and she said "Well, yeah, I guess I did"

I think so much of this is that our spouses need to justify their actions by making us Ogres in their heads. Anything that happens that shows that we are actually caring human beings is dismissed by them. My wife almost looks confused when she'll say something to get me angry and I stay calm. It's like the logic in her head is saying that I might be an okay guy, but her emotions are trying to convince her otherwise.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
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Look, when she has those moments where she's lonely, missing the kids, etc., it's causes doubt in her mind that she's made the right decision. This isn't according to the fantasy plan! Ironically, she turns back to the guy she left to get emotional soothing. Why do you think she texted you to tell you she missed the kids? She wanted sympathy. Crazy!

I may sound cold-hearted when I say don't validate it, but after all....she needs to put her big girl panties on! What did she expect? I can tell what......nothing that was close to reality.

You guys may get tired of hearing me say it, but the sooner they have reality hit them, the better. Don't try to kiss their boo-boo and make it better when they whine about it.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Sandi

MCS and 3kids,

I don't believe my W is in Depression but she does the same things as your W's.

I need to do a better job of what Sandi is saying above and I think it is great advice for you guys also.

Just my opinion


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
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Sandi you are right! That is why I didn't validate. It's very hard for them when reality hits but it's probably the only way the fog ever gets lifted. That is why they put so much effort in to blaming the LBS. Because they can't blame them selves. Finding the happy medium so they can't put all the blame on us is the hard part. My wifes depression and reality hitting are going to come to face real quick. The two combined are a real danger.

Her choices on Halloween are her choices. It's just her way if trying to control me. It's the only way she can to some extent. That is why she said all that to get a rise out of me. But she is only hurting the kids and even in her fogged out mind she would probably not do it. But you never know with a WAS. She is losing control and with reality and depression hitting it's not good for her.

As always Sandi you bring every thing to a light for me, thank you a million times over!

Just keep on keeping on! Water off a ducks back.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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