To have my m end so abruptly. I detached. I did what I needed to do to make things better for myself. Now it is a new level. It is over. Having this all happen so quickly and the magnitude of events that have unfolded in such a short time... well... I feel like I can deal with and accept each thing. However, dealing with the finality of it is what is getting me. I can't figure this part out just yet. There is no hope. To have it end without anything, a real conversation, just told I've been replaced. My family has been replaced. Nothing. No goodbye or anything. (Not even a fight or argument- NOTHING!) I just struggle with that.
Um, no your family wasn't replaced. He walked away from your family. He walked away from his family. Why? <shrug> Who knows? I doubt even he does. He died along with the relationship he ended. He's somebody else, because the person you knew wouldn't do that to you. You wouldn't have married him if he was. He changed at some point.
You can accept each thing individually. It may be easier that way. Like untangling Christmas lights. But you can also accept all of it in its entirety. When you get the focus right. When you see things for how they are vs. how they were thought to be.
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OK, guys. I just realized what an eclectic group we are. I love it. I appreciate it all. It is funny (not haha funny) how we all end up here looking for help and form this bond of circular support. This array of voices across the board with one end result of helping each other and helping ourselves.
Isn't that what life is all about? Love your neighbor as yourself?
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Bc HWW tried to hook up with this girls boyfriend!
Doesn't that tell you something?? Two messed up people that fall into that trap and they are having a family together!?? Ask yourself - do you really want somebody like either of them in your life? I mean, really??
I suggest that the finality of it is not in his power. Sure he started the ball rolling, but it seems to me that you're the one in the position to finalize the relationship. He hasn't taken that from you. He hasn't taken much from you of value except the life you thought you were going to live. What are you really grieving in the scheme of things? The loss of the expectations you had? The lack of a reconciliation (not a relationship - that's different)?
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Part of our hurt is that of course we take it personally as the worst possible rejection. But the truth is that it has nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with your husband's lack of character and his insecurities.
BINGO!!
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But the more you hold onto all the bad feelings, the more they get control of you. Dont give them one more ounce, M. Not one more.
Double bingo!!!!
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We will all be leaving on xh's b-day. Which, considering it's Halloween, we have always made a night of it. I always wanted it to be special for the kids, but special for xh, too! So we had our traditions for the day. So glad we will be all out of town!
Good. New family traditions are a wonderful idea. And good for all involved - your family!
Keep steppin', Mighty. Keep steppin' You're working through this and starting to verbalize the various feelings. Know what? That's a first step in getting them to no longer be mountains. Just stepping stones once you get your perspective straightened out properly.
In the end, I think the anger is something you need. Some of it. Just don't let it go on too long. And make it appropriate. The ow? She's not worth the time of day. She has her own agenda (obviously) and your ex is the one that fell into that trap. Good luck to them both but it's not what I think you're really angry about. Do you? Or is it the other things mentioned above?
A quick note on forgiveness. Forgiveness to me, means you forgive the other person the debt. They did x, and you *could* do y but choose not to. Along the way, you let go of the pain by making that conscious choice. The pain of x diminishes (not fast enough I know) and although you don't let it happen again with that person, you forgive them. Harder if they don't want forgiveness (mine doesn't; seemed odd at first) but it's not really about them. It's really just their actions and your actions. You choose your actions, even without explanation. In fact, forgiveness often defies explanation. He doesn't deserve it, but you need to give it anyway. That's your ticket to freedom, my dear. And it's worth it. You deserve it.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks guys. Gonna reread you comments later when I have more time to digest.
When I got to work this morn there was an email from xh from yesterday. I was at a conference so I didn't see. It says:
Xh: please review parent portal. S17s grades are not looking too hot... Please communicate what your plan is regarding his grades... I know you get satisfaction with my r with the kids but you need to communicate everything... Your immediate acceleration on the highway on Friday was a joke and you almost hit the car in front of you (no I didn't)... These kids need us and you must put your anger aside.
Ahem,,,,,, I ignored.
Then I get: Xh: mighty, are you going to respond?
Me (later): I was at a conference yesterday and did not see your email. I am not really sure what you want from me. S17 & I take things one week at a time. He has certain reuirements to follow to earn things like hanging out w friends during the week, taking my car, etc.
Xh: did you look at his grades?
Me: I printed the assignment for each class for him last week to work on things that need to be addressed. We also talked about him getting a routine and plan for how he will get his work/studies in. In the past, when he is not in sports, it tends to get worse. So we are working on getting him a routine time set aside to create good work habits and more success.
He will not be in school Friday if you see his absences.
Xh: how is he doing? I haven't talked to him since he said dude shut the f up and f you, you're getting blocked. I'm aware of him leaving this weekend and d13 told me that you two are going to ny.
Me: pretty good. Not as grumpy- only sometimes. He was emotional after his last Game. End of an era.
Nuttin back.
I tried to keep emotion out & keep it neutral. I feel like he was trying to get me going, is judgmental about my parenting.... Looking for reasons to make me doubt myself. I talked myself out of it this morning. I thought of all the things I've learned and am trying to put them to use. I hope it was ok. I have some ideas for where I'd like to be... Mentally & emotionally & how I respond/react.
The tone in the emails is accusatory and condescending.
It has nothing to do with you.
I thought your responses were good and stuck straight to the issue. I like how you did not address:/ debate the car acceleration thing. That was a set up.
You are doing a great job especially showing your kids how to be gracious and face tough situations head on. They are learning a lot from you right now.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
If I remember correctly this is not the first time he has sent almost the same email message about S17. I mean almost word for word at the start. I find his concern for how his S is doing in school less than heart warming. If he truly cared about him he would be making some kind of effort to rebuild a R with his S, not scold him about his grades, especially considering the pain and embarrassment H's choices have caused his S. He is a teenager that has to deal with everyone knowing what his father is doing, that he got some young chickie pregnant, left his family...that is A LOT for a teenager to have to handle. For a father of a 17 year old to just let his kid say F you and let it stop him from trying to rebuild trust with him is just so immature. For him to say "These kids need us and YOU have to do anything is just such a cop out! What is HE doing except looking at S17's grades and yelling at you to do something about it.
From what I see your H is a coward. He is afraid to make any effort at being a parent to his kids. He is afraid to admit that his actions have much to do with the problems his son is having in school. So what does he do? He tries to blame you and your "anger" for what he and his ACTIONS have caused! You don't owe him any explanation about what you plan on doing to help your son get his grades up and get through the mess his father has caused in what should have been his best year ever up to now..Sr. year.
You handled that email very well, better than I would have under similar circumstances for sure. Keep your head up Mighty. You are so strong and you will get through this and so will your kids...because they a have a mother as strong as you!
He's obviously starting to feel the sting of losing his family and the respect of his children.
It's a cheap shot for him to accuse you of being happy about his shitty relationship with the kids - of course he's still not ready to face his responsibility for that.
Don't let him sucker you into any tit for tat on that stuff. You did a good job in this communication. And if he brings up you avoiding him again, just tell him - "Is it really any surprise to you that I prefer not to see my exd-husband who is having a baby with another woman????"
I had a good laugh, because I just got the same email from my h but last week....The only thing is that just remember, you don't OWE him an explanation on anything. It is okay if you want to freely give it, but you don't owe it to him to answer any of his questioning.
And YES...JTB is right, good job avoiding the bait. These MLC'ers seem to throw so much of it out there when things aren't going as they expect. I see it in my own sitch a lot.
Stay strong, ignore things when necessary, and trust that you will feel more confident in your decisions as time goes on. TRUST YOU!!!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Attagirl, M. You just keep being who you want to be. Keep looking at your roadmap. .
Dont allow him to push you off your road..<<<<See what I did there? LOL!
Keep it neutral and to the point, no matter what he writes. Not your job to inform him of everything you are doing regarding your son. If he wants to know details, he should ask son.
