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1foot2 Offline OP
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Been too busy to even think/do anything about my sitch lately, which I suppose is a good thing. Worked Friday, came home and read with my oldest in bed then conked out early. Worked sat, W was complaining of feeling very sick when I left. Her only close-to-full day with the kids of course. I told her I wished she felt better and left for work. Busy day. W texts around 4 asking if I can leave early, as she is on the couch in pain and can't watch the kids (I'm usually home at 630 on sats). I considered just saying it wasn't possible for me to get out early, but then I thought of the kids, probably having a very boring day without anyone to do anything with them. When W is sick while watching the kids, which is usually every couple weeks or more often :(, the kids just run wild in the house. It's a bummer. So I was able to leave early. Came home and took them straight out to a nice park by the lake, ran around, chased ducks, had a bunch of fun. Came home, made dinner, bathed all three, bedded everyone, did loads of laundry, then hustled out to my dj gig, which went great.

A friend came to hang out last night and told me that he saw my W with OM checking out a video Thursday night. This would have been the night where she frantically left the house when I got home because she is behind on schoolwork. Yup. He told me he felt really awkward even saying hello to her, that he wasn't sure what to say. I told him not to worry, that she probably felt 10x as awkward. My friend has a way with words (and is gay) and said OM didn't have anything on me in the looks department, "he looked like an extra" was his quote. Hah.

Got up this morning and took kids to breakfast while W slept. Then while baby napped I took older boys to volunteer to help get their school garden ready for winter. Nice activity on a beautiful day. When I got home, W said she had to go see an apt by 2pm. (After telling me she is broke again). But then she didn't leave the house until 2. She spent 3o minutes getting dressed, complaining to me that she couldn't find the outfit she wanted. I am just baffled by her at this point. It's like she's a zombie. She left to study and I assume we won't see her until after dinner. No big deal here. I'm well detached today.

Had very little interaction with her these past few days. She thanked me for coming home from work early. I said my pleasure. She thought I was being sarcastic! Maybe I was. I haven't mentioned the third parking ticket yet but I did leave it conspicuously on the passenger seat of the car.


M: 33
W: 33
M: 9 T: 10
3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5
BD: 8/3/14
Living together
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
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Have you order this isn't the season you think it is by Laura Munson

Her story reminds me so much of yours and they reconciled. Check out the book


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 266
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1foot2 Offline OP
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I checked out a bunch of reviews of it and it seems to have gotten a lot of bad reactions! From the reviews it does sound sort of like my situation. What did you get from reading it?

Exhausted this morning but about to take my littlest on our Monday walk. W stayed out yesterday from 2 to 9pm, came home just in time for me to go to my gig. I'm baffled that she thinks it's normal to do this, but I'm fine being a de facto single dad right now. Saw her BFF yesterday and she was full of compliments on how I was looking and all my work with the kids. Said she hasn't seen much of my W lately. I said me either. Asked me a bunch of questions about Ws drinking, health, help around the house, I deflected and politely told her to ask W. She asked why her fam wasn't getting more involved. No idea.

This morning W asked me for gas money. I gave her 7 dollars. She kinda scoffed that I was giving her so little, and I just said that I really need to stretch money this week. I sensed a little snippyness as she left. I really need to come up with a game plan for her asking me for money, as it's just going to keep happening.

I've got so many parts of this sitch held down. It's the money thing, and figuring out how to reel her in so she's doing SOMEthing for the family and household, that's really hard. It's like she's just digging a hole straight down, and I'm up here holding a rope.


M: 33
W: 33
M: 9 T: 10
3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5
BD: 8/3/14
Living together
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 266
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1foot2 Offline OP
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I guess I should clarify that I'm not really trying to "reel her in" on household/family tasks. That's on her, and I've done really well at having no expectations of her and thus little resentment in that area. It's more the cake eating aspect, that she can just come and go willy nilly and know that I will handle everything. What's crazy is that she doesn't even acknowledge the imbalance at all. Like she thinks this is just normal. Having one of those days where I just want to tell her to **** or get off the pot.

Had an amazing day w the kids. Got a necessary nap in while baby napped. Ate a great lunch and spent the day outside w the kids. Hung with Ws BFF again. We ended up having a longish convo about everything, where I reiterated that I'm putting in work for myself and boys and basically factoring her out. It's good to talk to her in small doses, as she is literally the only one with an open (ish) line to W right now, and I admit that I'm demonstrating my 180s/GAL to her pretty overtly, as I know she will relay that to W. She still struggles, as everyone seems to, with how to approach any of this with her. W is in a steel bubble.

She texted me while I was out that we needed to discuss picking up supplies for our Halloween gathering on Friday. I said I would pick up whatever we needed. "I thought money was tight?" Was her reply, referring to me not giving her much gas money today of course. Unbelievable entitlement at work here. I replied that I'm happy to make it work, didnt take the bait at all.


M: 33
W: 33
M: 9 T: 10
3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5
BD: 8/3/14
Living together
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
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The book is about being a de facto single mom and not engaging with a person as he/she says one thing but does another.

It about serving this crisis and not pushing any additional buttons.

Without being a divorce busting book it adheres to the db criteria.

It's also a success story.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 266
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1foot2 Offline OP
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That sounds good, I bet I can find a cheap copy next time im in the relationships section. I suppose a lot of the reviews I read said "why was this woman even fighting to stay with this guy who didn't love her?" Which is generally the anti-DB sentiment to a T.

But sometimes I do wonder why I'm wasting time fighting for her when she clearly is doing nothing to deserve me. I know a better partner is out there.

Weird note tonight: our S6 came home today with a form letter in his backpack informing us that he is recommended for this therapy program for kids in "housing transitions". Huh? It wasn't directly addressed to us by name, but still. W showed it to me and said "you didn't tell his teacher we were separating did you?" I said of course not. I haven't. She seems distressed and has been on the phone with BFF for a good while. It's fairly likely that she doesn't believe me, or thinks that something is up that she doesn't know about. I honestly have no idea where this would have come from. Ironically, she's the one who wants a separation so this should be all on her. Very weird though. Could just be a strange coincidence or error or......what? Do public schools have affair detecting software?


M: 33
W: 33
M: 9 T: 10
3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5
BD: 8/3/14
Living together
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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We haven't told my D3 properly yet but she knows and her nursery picked up on it and asked. So it may have come from S6.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 266
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1foot2 Offline OP
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Yeah that's what I'm assuming, but I'm having a hard time imagining what my S could have said. We haven't discussed anything with him yet, but obviously he is aware that my W is not around as much.

I realize that her feelings on this are hers to deal with. She says she wants this, but doesn't want anyone to "know", and is obviously in fear of any judgment from his teachers/school. Well, she made this situation. I'm so sick of this.


M: 33
W: 33
M: 9 T: 10
3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5
BD: 8/3/14
Living together
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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I've taken the opposite approach and basically taken the view that my W doesn't get to do this and pretend she isn't.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 266
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1foot2 Offline OP
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Well thats what Ive been doing too. I just wonder if I've mistaken passivity for detachment. I am taking no responsibility in initiating the separation, beyond covering my own bases and looking after myself and the kids. But its brought me to this situation where I feel like she is not forced to make any decision or face any consequences.

I'm at a loss as to what to do (aside from whats already been working for me). W claims she has an "emotional connection" with OM. they clearly text all day and hang out several times a week. Should I be trying harder to "be there" for her emotionally? is acting like a distant neighbor just confusing her and pushing her away?

or should I just tell her enough is enough, that I can no longer allow this to go on and continue to respect myself?

these two courses are millions of miles apart.


M: 33
W: 33
M: 9 T: 10
3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5
BD: 8/3/14
Living together
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