Not a river you need worry about now would be my view.
labug, I think the reason I'm bringing it up now is because I am viewing my possible behaviors when H moves out in the next couple of weeks. How dark do I go? Do we continue to do things together knowing he's still in the A? How much time do we spend as a family, as opposed to just dad with the kids? It seems to me that I'd act one way if I was his friend, a different way if I wasn't? I don't want to act like I've suddenly come down with the crazies and be all over the place.
sandi had posted on another thread about the WAS not missing you unless you aren't available. So being friends would still make you available. They have to realize what it will be without you in their lives.
My H recently mentioned that he would always be my friend and that we would always be in each others' lives. I told him that wasn't true. We would coparent for the next few years, but then we wouldn't really be in contact -- just like his own mother and father when they divorced. That's the reality of the situation. I am done telling him I'll be his friend. I will be friendly toward him, but I can't be friends with someone who cheats, lies, and is generally untrustworthy.
At the same time, I have been where you are -- moments of peace in thinking that you can be okay as just friends. It's a good feeling while it lasts. The problem is that I think it might take a long time for that peace to be long-lasting. I definitely don't feel that way on an ongoing basis. It would be nice to sustain that feeling, if it's possible.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
It's very early in my sitch, but it's hard for me to imagine wanting to be "friends" with my W after a D. There are so many feelings and unresolved issues that just can no longer be discussed. I think it would be uncomfortable. It still is with ex-gf, I find.
When you choose, just be sure it's for the right reasons, that is: your own sake. You don't owe him friendship. Also remember that it's not a choice between 7 years in court and a friendship. Most people are probably in between these extremes.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I'm increasingly getting to the place where I feel what happens happens. We have to cooperate for our kids. Beyond that I just want her either back or to have zero power over me.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I need a little sense talked into me this morning. I am meeting with H in about an hour to finalize what we are going to tell the kids and when, set a move-out date, and finalize the S agreement. I'd also like to get an agreement on the parenting schedule for the next month. I am really nervous. I need someone to tell me to stand up for myself, that if he gets mad about something it's not the end of the world, and it doesn't mean I have to give in. Help me!
The upside of all this pain and mess is that you get a chance to be YOURSELF. Standing up for yourself when you meet your H is great practice for that. And you'll be modeling strength to your kids, even if they can't see it. And it's the little bit you can do to take charge again of your life after the way your H turned it upside down without your consent.
And assertiveness and confidence are SEXY. So put on your lace undies if you've got them and be ready to be super sexy and strong.
Wishing you the best, you've GOT THIS.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Rpp - You have been living with this nonsense for 6 months. Stand up for yourself - don't back down. Your H does not get to call all the shots here. You need to take care of your own interests and those of your children. If he gets mad or irritated, guess what? He was the one that put this all in motion. So he can blame himself.
Take a deep breath, put your chin up and tell him your opinion about whats best for telling the kids (um- yeah - not at a birthday party), tell him the move out date that works best for you and the parenting schedule that will work best for the kids - because frankly - you are the one that has their needs at heart right now, not him. Do it for you - do it for your kids.
Do not give in....do not give in...do not give in...and don't give the tiniset little d*** if he gets mad. Give yourself permission to not care - should be very refreshing!
