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rppfl, I just can't believe that your H would think that a birthday dinner is the best time to share this news. It is so insensitive of him, and selfish. I hope this behavior allows you to see him in a new light that might make it easier for you to detach from him and bring the focus back to yourself. Your gratitude list is awesome. I think we should each make one every day. There is much else in this life besides our Ms and Hs. And much more life to be had!


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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rpp-

Just a quickie before I head out for the day. Tomorrow I'm heading to NY again for the weekend. This time to the big apple. I'll check in with you when I get back!

FTR, I don't think they are selfish per se. Self absorbed? Yes. Because this journey is all about them. Their channel of choice is MEMEMEMEME, station #1. And all the other presets are set to MEMEMEMEME too. Their "happiness" is what they've decided will take priority over everything else, even the kids. That *is* selfish, but I don't think they see themselves that way. At any rate, any attempts by anyone else will not be received well. I've been there, done that and have a crappy t-shirt.

But I can honestly say that a few things catalyze them back to more normal, if they are inclined to feel remorse. If not, well, then they were heading off to lala land anyway and never coming back. But my now D20 had the come to Jesus talk with her dad and told her how unhappy she was with his disappearing act. It bothered him enough to rein himself in. Slowly he reentered the real world, though he still has never been as plugged in as I am. Maybe because I'm the mom. And the responsible one.

So what I'm trying to say is that expecting them to put family first--right now--is like expecting a cat to bark. Don't set yourself or the kids up for disappointment by thinking otherwise.

And on that note, I would *definitely* pull him aside beforehand and let him know that your D's birthday party is NOT the time or place to have that chat. Hold him to that. Because her party is about her... not him. And you're not being unreasonable for wanting him to honor that. She'll always remember her birthday as a catastrophic day, and that's totally unfair.

What a dick. Okay, back to normal. I'm outta here!

Have a happy Halloween to everyone!

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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Well,, well. C had told us that H needs to stick around a week after we tell the kids. H just told me he's in a business trip all next week. That's really convenient, isn't it?



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Betsey have a great trip!



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Good morning, a little journaling here: nothing to report, again. H was out of town last night. I had basketball practice with D12 and my team, dinner with both girls at home, quiet evening at home. My future in a nutshell. I don't say that in a bad way, I love being home with my girls. smile

Today is my S's birthday, so I updated my siggy. Happy birthday to my baby boy!



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So.....I have a question about being friends with H.

I know some people say that building a friendship is an important step to R, some people say they are terrified of getting stuck in the friendzone, some people say they can't be "just friends". My position all along has been the last one, that I will be his W, but not his friend after he moves out. But I'm rethinking that today. Today it seems like,we have three kids together, we might as well get along. And if we end up "just friends" then that's a positive thing for the kids. I dont' want to be one of those couples who haul each other into court for the next 7 years. Friends seems like an appealing option. And if I have truly forgiven him for the A, then what's the barrier?


And if I decide that "friends" is OK, then what would that look like after we are S? My plan was to go totally dark except for kid stuff, but in reality, there's a lot of kid stuff. I'm going to be talking to the guy most days.

What's your position on "friends" with your WAS? And does resigning yourself to "friends" mean you are done?



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If my wife started dating and/or moves on, I will be friendly towards her for the kids sake, I will not be her friend. She let that behind with the marriage. I could be wrong, but it's where I'm at today.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
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Originally Posted By: Jefe
If my wife started dating and/or moves on, I will be friendly towards her for the kids sake, I will not be her friend. She let that behind with the marriage. I could be wrong, but it's where I'm at today.

^^^^Ditto



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Originally Posted By: rppfl
So.....I have a question about being friends with H.

I know some people say that building a friendship is an important step to R, some people say they are terrified of getting stuck in the friendzone, some people say they can't be "just friends". My position all along has been the last one, that I will be his W, but not his friend after he moves out. But I'm rethinking that today. Today it seems like,we have three kids together, we might as well get along. And if we end up "just friends" then that's a positive thing for the kids. I dont' want to be one of those couples who haul each other into court for the next 7 years. Friends seems like an appealing option. And if I have truly forgiven him for the A, then what's the barrier?


And if I decide that "friends" is OK, then what would that look like after we are S? My plan was to go totally dark except for kid stuff, but in reality, there's a lot of kid stuff. I'm going to be talking to the guy most days.

What's your position on "friends" with your WAS? And does resigning yourself to "friends" mean you are done?


I think it depends on how you're defining friend.

Not a river you need worry about now would be my view.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: Jefe
If my wife started dating and/or moves on, I will be friendly towards her for the kids sake, I will not be her friend. She let that behind with the marriage. I could be wrong, but it's where I'm at today.


Thanks, Tar and Jefe. That's exactly where I was until a couple of days ago. Today, I don't know. I think where I'm struggling is that maybe agreeing to be "just friends" means I don't want to be M.

I have posted in the past "why would I want him back", it's a place we all get to. But we can question that and still want him back. The friends idea is coming with a lot more peace attached to it. Like maybe it's a viable alternative to actually wanting him back. I don't know.

Anyone else care to weigh in?



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