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"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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Good morning! I didn't realize my thread was locked over the weekend. I got back from parents weekend late yesterday afternoon. I had such a good time with my S18. He's growing up to be such a fine young man. smile

I had a lot of time in the car to ponder things. I am slowly making connections between choices, boundaries, feeling unworthy, being a friend to myself, God's plan for me, acting out of fear and love, my relationship with my dad, and other things that swirl around. At times I was a little frustrated that I couldn't immediately solve this like a jigsaw puzzle. But I know it will all come together in time if I don't just shove it aside.

H's condo deal is apparently a go, he says we are telling the kids this coming weekend "come he!! or high water". This morning I asked him if we could meet for coffee or lunch one day this week to finalize some things about telling the kids and the moving out. I just got off the phone with him to try and put something on his calendar, and he can't figure out a single block of time to address this. Seems sort of important, doesn't it? And he can't squeeze out an hour for it? How much time is he spending with OW this week? Makes my blood boil. But I was nice on the phone, and he said he'd look harder at his schedule and call me back later.



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He's not making time because he's avoiding it. He's been running his mouth, now he's actually going to have to back that up. I think this is going to sting him more than he realizes.

Out of curiosity, does the rest of the worship band know the full situation?


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Originally Posted By: Underdog
"LOL, I knew I was gonna be on the hook for this one! Here's how it all started for me. I forced myself to analyze all the excuses I made. Across the board. For myself and others and for situations. And in that muddled mess was a common theme. I bet you have a common theme too. But in the end, I found out through that introspection that I was the one who prevented myself from moving forward. My excuses were based on an erroneous set of assumptions and conclusions, and when I challenged myself, I found out that things were vastly different than the small box where I based all those assumptions.

Hint: the common denominator in all of that was... me."


Originally Posted by: Labug
"I'll add, BOUNDARIES! Find out what that means for you. I would guess you have very few (you're not alone, I had, hmmmmm lemme think...NONE) It's amazing what figuring out where you end and others begin can do for you.

Also, self-compassion. I was always harder on myself than anyone else was. I was sitting in IC this week talking about that and realized I would have made a great penitente. Give yourself some love, let go of your "mistakes". "




I tried really hard to figure this out during my hours on end in the car this weekend, and sometimes some things seemed to click, but it just hasn't taken shape yet.

I listened to a radio psychologist for a while, and there was a caller who stood up to her H and told him "no" about a situation and that's how it resolved. He didn't scream at her, didn't leave her. I was dumbfounded. I don't know that I've ever done that, not in a long time, anyway, not about something important. My pattern is to express my opinion to H, and then let him have the final say. Is that wrong? Shouldn't I be able to trust him to make good decisions for our family? (A aside).

One connection I did make is between having choices and setting boundaries. Having choices is something the IC has been trying to get me to see, that I did make choices, even in places where I thought I had no choice. Maybe there was only one appealing option, but it was still a choice. I realized that my taking away my choices makes me a victim, and I want to repackage that. And somehow boundaries are tied up in that, too (and you are correct, labug, that I have zero). That in order to set boundaries, I would need to make choices about what I find acceptable and not, and how I respond to each of those.

I don't see other people struggling with these concepts, am I the only one screwed-up this much?



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"I don't see other people struggling with these concepts, am I the only one screwed-up this much?"
Look no further, you're not alone.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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I think most people are


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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Originally Posted By: Jefe

Out of curiosity, does the rest of the worship band know the full situation?


I don't really know, I assume not. I know their wives don't know, because I have been at some parties with them in the past few weeks, and they make funny comments that wouldn't be appropriate if they did -- how H will enjoy my (very tall leopard print) shoes later, etc.

It's a tricky situation because I work for the church. I will tell my boss (the priest) after my kids know, and probably tell a couple of my co-workers, too. But it's not something I'm going to spread over the entire congregation, even though I am capable of that. I know just who to tell what to make it all spread like wildfire. But I won't. Bad for my kids, puts potholes in the road home.

In the end, we aren't a denomination that frowns heavily upon divorce, it's not the stigma here that it would be in other churches. Adultery is of course, not acceptable church teaching, but the fact is I live in a big diverse city, and the practicality is that most people aren't going to blink twice about it. It would be gossip for a week or two, and then people will move on to the next subject.



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I'm with you. I struggle with it daily.
This is the "heavy lifting" part. No one can tell you what you find acceptable. You have to dig deep and make the hard choices.
Work hard on this. Soon there will be lots of new, stressful things in your life. I found it very helpful to get a "process" in place to deal with the choices I have been confronted with. This "process" has allowed me to focus on the topic at hand, deal with it, make my choice, and then move on.


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S13 S11
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rpp, you might like the boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Sorry if I recommended this before and am repeating myself.

Quote:
Shouldn't I be able to trust him to make good decisions for our family?

I'm not sure that's the question.
Did you always agree with his decisions? Were they always the best for the family? Were you sometimes resentful? Were you concerned about his reactions if you disagreed with him?





Last edited by labug; 10/27/14 03:02 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: rppfl
Originally Posted By: Jefe

Out of curiosity, does the rest of the worship band know the full situation?


I don't really know, I assume not. I know their wives don't know, because I have been at some parties with them in the past few weeks, and they make funny comments that wouldn't be appropriate if they did -- how H will enjoy my (very tall leopard print) shoes later, etc.

It's a tricky situation because I work for the church. I will tell my boss (the priest) after my kids know, and probably tell a couple of my co-workers, too. But it's not something I'm going to spread over the entire congregation, even though I am capable of that. I know just who to tell what to make it all spread like wildfire. But I won't. Bad for my kids, puts potholes in the road home.

In the end, we aren't a denomination that frowns heavily upon divorce, it's not the stigma here that it would be in other churches. Adultery is of course, not acceptable church teaching, but the fact is I live in a big diverse city, and the practicality is that most people aren't going to blink twice about it. It would be gossip for a week or two, and then people will move on to the next subject.


I live in a huge city too and go to a giant church, but if my worship band knew, he'd be gone faster than he could pack his guitar. One of the reasons my wife chose to quit working for our church is because they were putting pressure on her and had threatened termination if she didn't seek to reconcile the marriage. It's one thing for a person in the congregation to be acting this way, a total different thing for a leader of the church.

Just wondered.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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