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jim0987 Offline OP
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So I thought I'd start thread 3 for me

Here is the previous
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2494878&page=5


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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jim0987 Offline OP
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Help please - Some questions that id love some views on answers to.

1) in the M I wasn't meeting my Ws emotional needs. She felt unloved , unsupported and alone. I should have told everyday that I love her, am proud of her and there for her but I didn't. I told everyone else but I'm not sure she knew. Should that make a difference to my approach around my W? Being detached just feels like more of everything I did wrong to get here

2) she is lying to me about OM and her pursuit of him seems to be working. What should I do about this if anything? Should I say anything?

3) where should I set boundaries in relation to interaction round the house. At the moment I'm trying to make sure I'm not adding any pressure or resistance so that she is comfortable but actually that means she is not really having any consequences to her decision and continuing her lack of respect for me

4) I'm still paying all the household bills inc. Mortgage. When should I stop as we earn the same. Its always been like this - I pay the fixed bills she pays the flexible only now she isn't paying the flexible because we are leading separate lives.

5) am I better to hasten the seperation as this is what she wants now and it would show that im letting her go or am I better when she is at home so there is more chance for positive interaction (plus I see the kids more). I don't want her to leave but she feels trapped.

6) her chief complaints with me are that I was hurtfully sarcastic, that I wasn't making her happy and feel loved, that she felt overwhelmed by her responsibilities, that she had no time for her and that I had let her down too many times when she was upset. Is there anything I can do about these?

7) this is killing me. I can't sleep and I feel like my insides are ruined. I'm trying to be positive round her but I dont feel like I will ever be happy again. What can I do to make the hurting stop?

8) there is a load of other stuff she is not telling me because she doesn't trust me not to hurt her (verbally) is there anything I can do about this?

9) she isolated herself for years (she blames me but i never stood in her way and tried to encourage things) and is now coming out of that shell. Which is good but I don't get to enjoy it. with me providing reliable overnight childcare (which was always a major point of contention) it frees her to do dating which we have struggled with since D3 was born. How can our real world problems compete with the freedom she now feels?

10) and finally how do I know if I can ever trust her again after this. The OM and the things she has said about me are so unbelievably hurtful and her memories of incidents are so different to mine.

I know that's a lot but I guess I'm really struggling to see the way to save my M. Feeling quite hopeless about it.

Last edited by jim0987; 10/25/14 03:50 AM.

Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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jim,
i totally feel you on the isolation point. my W made me the center of her universe even when i tried to get her spend time with her friemds. even when she went out all i said was be careful and have a good time.

i know how bad it hurts and it never seems to end. but realize at some point (who knows when) it will.

prayin for ya


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

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This is one of those things of what works best for you.

What will be better going forwards?
When living with them and arguing and them pulling your strings and pushing your buttons can be harder than living apart.

When mine left, it was sooooo peaceful and the stress and pressure less as well. It's still is in one way. In others it's tougher.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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1) in the M I wasn't meeting my Ws emotional needs. She felt unloved , unsupported and alone. I should have told everyday that I love her, am proud of her and there for her but I didn't. I told everyone else but I'm not sure she knew. Should that make a difference to my approach around my W? Being detached just feels like more of everything I did wrong to get here

THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. REALLY. THIS IS ABOUT HER BEING WITH OM AND THUS EVALUATING EVERYTHING IN YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIP IN A NEGATIVE LIGHT. THE MORE YOU LEAVE HER ALONE AND DETACH, THE HARDER IT WILL BE FOR HER TO CONTINUE SEEING YOU THAT WAY, AND SHE MAY START TO REMEMBER THE POSITIVES. IT'S COUNTERINTUITIVE BUT IT WORKS.

2) she is lying to me about OM and her pursuit of him seems to be working. What should I do about this if anything? Should I say anything?

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THIS, UNFORTUNATELY. JUST STAY OUT OF IT, DON'T TALK ABOUT IT AT ALL WITH HER. IF SHE OPENS UP TO YOU, JUST VALIDATE, BUT KEEP YOUR EMOTIONS AND TRUE FEELINGS TO YOURSELF. YOU WILL WANT TO REACH OUT TO HER, BUT DON'T UNTIL SHE IS RECOMMITTED TO WORKING ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP, AND EVEN THEN PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

3) where should I set boundaries in relation to interaction round the house. At the moment I'm trying to make sure I'm not adding any pressure or resistance so that she is comfortable but actually that means she is not really having any consequences to her decision and continuing her lack of respect for me

SHE WILL FACE HER OWN CONSEQUENCES. THIS IS NOT YOUR JOB. THE MORE YOU LEAVE HER ALONE AND WORK ON YOURSELF, THE MORE RESPECT SHE WILL HAVE FOR YOU AND THE LESS YOU WILL CARE WHAT SHE THINKS ANYWAY.

4) I'm still paying all the household bills inc. Mortgage. When should I stop as we earn the same. Its always been like this - I pay the fixed bills she pays the flexible only now she isn't paying the flexible because we are leading separate lives.

IF SHE MAKES AS MUCH AS YOU, SHE SHOULD BE CONTRIBUTING AN EQUAL AMOUNT, UNLESS SHE'S OUT OF THE HOUSE AND YOU ARE BOTH MAINTAINING SEPARATE HOUSEHOLDS.

5) am I better to hasten the seperation as this is what she wants now and it would show that im letting her go or am I better when she is at home so there is more chance for positive interaction (plus I see the kids more). I don't want her to leave but she feels trapped.

LET HER DECIDE THIS ON HER OWN -- DON'T PARTICIPATE IN HASTENING IT. MAKE HER TAKE THE LEAD, THE RESPONSIBILITY. THEN SHE WILL HAVE TO BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR HER ACTIONS.

6) her chief complaints with me are that I was hurtfully sarcastic, that I wasn't making her happy and feel loved, that she felt overwhelmed by her responsibilities, that she had no time for her and that I had let her down too many times when she was upset. Is there anything I can do about these?

NOPE. GO BACK TO THE ANSWER TO YOUR FIRST QUESTION. THIS IS NOT REALLY MUCH ABOUT YOU, IN SPITE OF WHAT SHE SAYS. OF COURSE, THERE ARE THINGS WE COULD ALL HAVE DONE TO MAKE THE MARRIAGE BETTER, AND WE CAN LEARN FROM THESE EXPERIENCES, BUT THIS IS NOT THE MAIN REASON FOR HER LEAVING. IT'S THE FOG THAT SHE'S IN ABOUT THE OM. SHE IS INFATUATED, AND SEEING YOU IN A NEGATIVE LIGHT HELPS HER JUSTIFY HER SELFISH CHOICES THAT ARE TEARING ABOUT THE FAMILY SO SHE WON'T FEEL AS GUILTY.

7) this is killing me. I can't sleep and I feel like my insides are ruined. I'm trying to be positive round her but I dont feel like I will ever be happy again. What can I do to make the hurting stop?

GAL. IT'S HARD. IT WILL GET BETTER BUT IT TAKES TIME. BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF AND REACH OUT TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS FOR SUPPORT AND AN IC.

8) there is a load of other stuff she is not telling me because she doesn't trust me not to hurt her (verbally) is there anything I can do about this?

NOPE. LEAVE IT ALONE. IT WILL JUST HURT YOU MORE.

9) she isolated herself for years (she blames me but i never stood in her way and tried to encourage things) and is now coming out of that shell. Which is good but I don't get to enjoy it. with me providing reliable overnight childcare (which was always a major point of contention) it frees her to do dating which we have struggled with since D3 was born. How can our real world problems compete with the freedom she now feels?

IT CAN'T. JUST ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH KIDS AND FOCUS ON THEM AND YOURSELF. YOU CAN'T COMPETE WITH CRAZY.

10) and finally how do I know if I can ever trust her again after this. The OM and the things she has said about me are so unbelievably hurtful and her memories of incidents are so different to mine.

YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU GET THERE -- AND YOU MAY OR MAY NEVER GET THERE. I KNOW FOR SURE I CAN NEVER TRUST MY H AGAIN, BUT I AM MORE WORRIED ABOUT BEING ABLE TO TRUST ANYONE AGAIN. THIS IS HARD, BUT IT'S ALSO SOMETHING WE CAN WORK ON WITHIN OURSELVES.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
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Jim; you are getting great advice. You need to focus on your GAL and being a great father for your young children. You can't make your wife do anything. However you can change yourself, which will force your W to interact with you differently.

Good luck.


>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
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Jim. Read and digest what Ahoy said. (Excellent advice Ahoy)

My DB coach advised me to treat my wife as if she was my sister.

Also look up destch with love. The pages about detaching and letting go.

(Not do) Old Dog xx

Last edited by Old Dog; 10/26/14 08:29 AM.

M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
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EA Aug 2014 I think
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jim0987 Offline OP
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I suppose the thing I really can't get My head round is that she has emotionally detached and the way to save my M isfir me to do the same.....

I'm finding this really hard.

But I do know that I need to be a good father and get on with my own life. But I was doing this anyway so nothing really changes except how I interact with my W (less negative, no sarcasm, more verbal appreciation and validation, calm and pleasant)

The more I experience of this the more I feel like my M died with my W dad and that it's just she has accepted this and moved on already.

Last edited by jim0987; 10/26/14 08:39 AM.

Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Jun 2014
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[I suppose the thing I really can't get My head round is that she has emotionally detached and the way to save my M is for me to do the same...]

Jim, I have the same problem. WAW seems to be a model of detachment. But that's the way it is. Concentrate on being the best you can.


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
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jim0987 Offline OP
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Harder to do when 8 weeks ago I had unshakable faith that the problems in my M were just a temporary affect of raising two small kids.

Trying my best and reserving my best for my W and kids. Means my friends are copping the worst of my depression though.

She's a ship lost in a fog and I need to make sure I'm the brightest lighthouse.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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