OMG, Hope! That's the best laugh I've had all day. I was getting a little randy just rubbing her shoulders. The poor girl wouldn't stand a chance if she spent the night.
I wish we were to that point. This king size bed gets very lonely most nights.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
You know, Hope. Thank you for showing me that she really has loved me all along. I think I was either missing that or had clouded it so badly in my head that I was just not seeing it.
Then it ends up being a self-fulfilling prophesy. I felt unloved and acted more unlovable. Dumb.
...I really had no idea where our relationship was going in the beginning, I was just having fun being with her. She made me feel so alive and complete. Then May 20th, 2006, we were on our way to a party. We were in her car, she was driving. She turned and looked at me and I was done. Finished. Head over heels. Tinglies shooting up my spine, the whole nine. I can still see her face and smell her perfume...
Just before this separation turned sour she sent me a text that said, "You know I love you" and I responded, "No, I don't know that".
Guess I need to repair that too.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
This is so encouraging! Nice job Jefe. I'm not sure what she is thinking about more, the nicely folded cloths, or the loving shoulder rub. Probably both. :-)
FD
Me:40 W:39 M:Dec 95 Split: Jul 14 W Filed: 9/16/14 Several Children (including adopted)
She just called. She was just now getting off work and called to tell me how it went and what she planned on doing with the kids tomorrow.
Trying hard to not get my hopes up but enjoying every moment at the same time.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
What a tense few exchanges we've had today. Not looking forward to her coming back with the kids in an hour.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Well, she didn't come in when she dropped the girls, just called for a second afterwards to make sure they got in and to hear my voice I suspect.
Let me follow up with the events that transpired last night. Then I will fill in as much of today as I can.
She has been planning all week to pick up the girls after she got of work yesterday so they could spend the night with her and my MIL. I have been apprehensive about this for 2 reasons. One I was trying to determine of what value this visitation was going to be because her shift was from 3:30 pm until at least 7:30 or whenever her route was done. By the time she picked them up it was going to be bed time and they were going to get up and head straight to church this morning, so why bother? Second, I knew there was a high likelihood that my wife was going to have to cancel the night and that was going to crush my girls leaving me to deal with the broken hearts. Well, she texted and called around 8 saying that it was not looking good. It was a pleasant conversation and I said no problem I'll let the girls know. I did and as expected they were very upset and disappointed. I let them stay up and snuggle with me past bed time and got them down. Wife called around 10:45 to chat and let me know that she was just now half way home from work and that she was not going to church in the morning, she wanted to sleep in. Again, it was a pleasant conversation and I was very happy that she took the time to call.
This morning we got ready and went to church as normal.
She texted just after I got to church: W: How did it go this morning? M: Fine She texted a bit about her money concerns while we're waiting for a couple of checks from customers.
Then a little later I get: W: (D5) is crying for me in her class can you go get her please M: OK
I left service and grabbed my daughter who was just sad and was missing mommy. I got her a snack then the wife called asking about things and wanted to talk to her. They talked for a few minutes then she hung up. I was planning on taking D5 back into the service with me but the wife called and said: "Did you get her back to class already?" I said no, "Why not, I told her to go back to class. Would you please get her back to class and call me back when you're done, geeze." I apologized for not realizing that that was the plan and got my daughter back to class. The subsequent phone call was an angry mess of the W blaming me for not telling her last night that they were upset. I asked why she was so irritated with me and she said because she had to work late last night. "And that makes you mad at me?" yup, was her reply. She went into how it wasn't her fault she was late, and all the problems, how it wont'e be like this every Sat, etc. I get it. This is the very scenario that Hope described of the lasher. I'm just lost on how I could have handled it better and been her hero for the day. When she hung up on me, I sent the following texts:
M: I'm sorry, I hear you. You've got all your stuff now and it will be better next time. I'm not picking at you. W: Exactly it was out of my control not on purpose. M: J*******, I didn't blame you. I know it was out of your control. And that must have been frustrating. M: I didn't tell you how sad they were when you called the second time last night because I figured you were already having a tough time and I didn't want to sound like I was picking at you. I'm sorry, next time I'll tell you.
She came by after church to send an hour or so with them before she had to go back to work. She had mentioned last night that she would just take them to the park and have a picnic lunch. When she got there I was making the picnic for them all. I had even stopped by the store and got mommy's favorite cookies. Nothing I did suited her. She wanted to know why I was making a picnic because she had other plans. I said: "You told me this was your plan. Ok no problem we'll skip that are you going to feed them because they're starving?" Then she told them to hurry up and eat now. Then it was never mind just finish making it all and we'll have a picnic. The whole time she's lashing at me.
Detach, detach, detach.
Hope, if you read this. This is exactly as you pointed out and this is where I normally withdraw. And so the cycle starts. I don't want to do that this time.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
It sounds as if she is acting out and testing. It's actually a good sign. Because it probably means she is wrestling with emotions. She needs to know if your change is genuine or fleeting. If your change is fleeting you will revert back to your old habits and she will know not to become emotionally invested. If your change is genuine she will begin to accept it.
She has been with you for a really long time and seen you "change." She has a right to be suspicious and test the waters. You should want her to do this. It's a sign of emotional stability. Someone who is not emotionally stable would jump back into the relationship without giving it much thought. The shear definition of insanity.
Respect her anger. She has a right to anger. Anger shows emotion and passion. I would be more concerned if she wasn't angry and lashing.
What I don't like is your wife taking it out on the children. Lashing at you is one thing. You are her partner. This is what you are there for (to catch her when she falls)
Lashing at the children is unacceptable. As the head of the home it is your responsibility to take your wife to the side and gently point out that your children are not targets for anger--for either of you.
Lock this down now.
Be loving. Be gentle. But be firm.
Your daughters are learning how husbands treat their wives by how you treat your wife.
And your daughters are learning how mothers and fathers treat their children by how you both treat them. Children do not forget. To the contrary. Children are sponges. They absorb.
Your wife should be reminded that you both have a shared goal: To raise wonderful, well-adjusted children who will also raise wonderful, well-adjusted children.
This will not happen if their parents are not keeping promises and disrupting their lives by ruining family gatherings like picnics.
Small moments have lifetime consequences. Ask her to please respect your children's right to a peaceful home during this time of turmoil.
