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123Gwen Offline OP
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In all my thrashings and reasoning and questioning I realize you all wanted to know why I want to save my marriage.

I met H and it was like magic. I still remember exactly how he looked at that exact moment. He was the missing piece of my heart. It was instant chemistry and I never looked back.

For all the magic of that first night we really tried to be mature and not get carried away by romance. He was in the military and I was in college. We both stayed independent and dated for a year and a half before we married. Yes it was quick but we waited another six years before having our daughter.

We were a team. We had a lot of laughs and lots and lots of love. It was the real deal. It still is from my side of things. I think it still was from him until very recently.

H is turning 50. He saw people 2 people die and he doesn't handle death well at all. He almost died in a car crash and he was laid off then without a job for almost a year. Our oldest went to college. His new commute was an hour north and I was driving south.

The love was still there. It just got tossed in with all the other messiness of life. I adore my H but I am not sure if the man I married exists anymore. I haven't really had the chance to find out. That hurts most of all.

Through all of this I have realized that my love for my H is resolute. I pray for him every night. I don't pray for him to come home because I love him enough to let him go. I pray for him to listen and walk with God. To face his fears and to recognize all the blessings he has.

I love my H as only a woman can who has over 25 years knowing and accepting and loving another flawed human being. I want to save my marriage because each and every day I choose him.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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"because I understand how MrBond thinks I am manipulating things "

First of all I never said you were manipulating things. Go back and read my posts. It seems like you take what someone says misinterpret it then argue against it even though what you interpreted was wrong.

I said you can't control his actions. That's not the same as saying you're trying to manipulate him.

That's why I asked about the communication between you two.

Next, about the OW. It doesn't matter what she does the bottom line is that your H made the decision to leave you for her. If it's a true MLC, once he's through with her he'll move on to someone else. The OW IS NOT a symptom. She's a result.

And thirdly, while you keep saying that your H changed overnight, the MLC WAS will always have thought about it for awhile without the LBS knowledge.

Have you seen how long I've been here? I've seen many situations like yours but you don't seem to want to listen. Look if you want to save your M you're going to have to listen to advice that you may not agree with. You can't think you're right most of the time or else you wouldn't be here.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Gwen,

For me...it took a good 9 months to a year after he left before I began to feel longer spans of calm and the crying stopped.

I remember, even in the very beginning, I'd have these short moments of clarity where I could sorta see God's hand in all of this and see how this tragedy could become a real blessing for me and my girls. Those moments come more frequently as you move along in this process.

In my opinion, ruminating, right now, on why he left and what you coulda done better will only make you crazy. There will be plenty of time, once you grieve this loss, to look at your marriage with a fair, objective mindset. I don't believe now is that time.

He left, he's having an affair, he's behaving in a way that is hurtful and disrespectful to you, your kids, your marriage. That's really all you need to know right now.

I support you 100% in seeking some sort of legal boundary to hold him accountable.

In my case, when all had settled, I realized that one of the things that killed my marriage was my own growth. I became unable to tolerate m H's immaturity and selfishness. Instead of coddling him, I started to break free from his control and his limited way of looking at life. He found someone more willing to stay within the limited lifestyle...lots of drugs, drinking and low responsibility.

I made the mistake, recently, of not treating a individual's character defects seriously enough. I put some children in danger because I gave someone the benefit of the doubt. I regret that and will forever.

Trust your instincts. If you lived with this man for 25 years and see him acting differently, trust it. If you sense he isn't to be trusted right now, trust it. Protect yourself.

There are plenty of Lots in this world. And, sometimes they provide a Blessing in Disguise by stepping away from our lives. Sometimes, we have to set some firm boundaries and call it for what it is in order to move forward with whatever God has planned for us. Your H knows where you live.

Setting boundaries is a great lesson to learn in this difficult situation. Practice on the boards. This forum has been a live saver and changemaker for me. However, there's lot of online therapizing that may or may not be what you need. Ask for what you need and state what you may not be ready for, just yet.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2500671 10/25/14 09:34 PM
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123Gwen Offline OP
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Thanks LoisB for your kindness.

I am posting here to learn more about DBusting techniques in a situation where H is almost 2000 miles away, in the midst of MLC and an A. I am reading everyday and moving forward while trying to protect myself financially.

I am not being defensive but right now I am emotionally fragile and my self esteem has taken a beating. At this moment; I am trying to focus on what to do rather than what was done wrong.

Last edited by 123Gwen; 10/25/14 09:37 PM.

M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



kml #2500685 10/25/14 10:43 PM
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Bond,

I totally disagree with what you said about not meeting the MLCer's needs.

Originally Posted By: MrBond
No. You're wrong. An affair partner is never a symptom of Mlc. It is the RESULT of MLC. He felt that he wanted someone else because you didn't fulfill his needs in some way or feels he needs to explore a new R in order to grow.


That analysis is dead wrong and WAAAAYYY off base when it comes to MLC. As a former MLCer, I was depressed, scared, and looking for "something" as Ellie said in her previous post to FIX me. All of my coping mechanisms broke down and I ran away. Every MLCer did so even if their spouses were loving and supportive.

I did not seek out OW to "explore" or "grow" in a R just because my needs were not being met. I was so damned miserable and didn't know how to cope appropriately so cue the OW who was a distraction and a temporary fix to my ongoing depression along with a general sense of hopelessness. The OW was simply there for the taking. As with almost every OW /OM who appears in the MLcer' life.

Gwen, it is not you at all! Your H is definitely in MLC!!!

Wonka #2500688 10/25/14 11:12 PM
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Quote:
I am not being defensive but right now I am emotionally fragile and my self esteem has taken a beating. At this moment; I am trying to focus on what to do rather than what was done wrong.


Noted and respected.

I submitted a post on my thread about my feelings about certain types of posts.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2500750 10/26/14 03:39 AM
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"That analysis is dead wrong and WAAAAYYY off base when it comes to MLC. As a former MLCer, I was depressed, scared, and looking for "something""

Yes and it was what I mentioned.

"I did not seek out OW to "explore" or "grow" in a R "

Since everyone seems to be misinterpreting what I meant, let me reiterate. The OP is not a cause of MLC. The WAS feels an emptiness which they fill with anything superficial rather than looking within. It could be an OP, a new job, a new car, whatever.

123Gwen said that the OW was one of the causes of her H's MLC. But the point I was trying to make was that the OP is not a CAUSE of MLC.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2500751 10/26/14 03:40 AM
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And on that note, I had the question of their communication. Was it good or not? Simple.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Originally Posted By: 123Gwen

I am posting here to learn more about DBusting techniques in a situation where H is almost 2000 miles away, in the midst of MLC and an A. I am reading everyday and moving forward while trying to protect myself financially.

I am not being defensive but right now I am emotionally fragile and my self esteem has taken a beating. At this moment; I am trying to focus on what to do rather than what was done wrong.


What you do is focus on yourself... your needs and desires.

If H is in crisis nothing you did or didn't do landed him there. And nothing you do will bring him back. So every decision you make now needs to be based primarily on what is best for you, on your own.

Building a new fulfilling life is task #1. It won't be easy, and it will take time, but you can do it. Please be kind to yourself.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
MrBond #2500850 10/26/14 07:04 PM
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Bond,

Ahhh...I do now see where you're coming from. Somtimes misunderstandings do happen ocassionally and glad you cleared it up. Thanks! smile

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