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Originally Posted By: Anaru

Anyone else got experience of dealing with friends who were in on the A before you were?


Maybe not a similar situation to yours, but about 5-6 mos into our S, while I thought something was up between W and OM, but she continued to deny it, one of my friends ran into W, OM and a group of friends at a bar. I had spoken to him before, so he knew what the deal was. The issue I had was that W was also with 2 of her girlfriends, who were like family to me.

I was furious that they knew, hadn't told me and even went with W (showing support in my eyes) to meet up with OM. I fired them off a nasty email saying I questioned their friendship. I barely spoke to them after that, up until a couple mos ago when I decided I was done being upset with them. I asked if they'd be willing to meet to discuss, knowing we'd have to agree to disagree on things.

The discussion was awkward at first, but I think all 3 of us were glad we got past it. They stated that while they did not agree with W's decisions, it was not their place to tell her right from wrong. They actually told me how respectful and impressed they were with my actions this past yr, acting as a single father to our 3 kids.



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It is so hard being away on business travel and just being able to communicate w W and sons via whatsapp and occasional calls - and more specifically it is so hard not to pursue & ask questions.
Luckily now visiting my Dad (81 and on his own in the family home since Mum died last year).
Gives me something else to focus on instead of where my W's head is at.
W visited OM again Sat evening - spent the time with his kids and discussing his work problems (he is Dr and under peer review due to alleged malpractice incident). In listening it sounds like she sees/getting fed up with it all being about him. I think enough already - I don;t give a rats ass about his problems. He is concerned about what his father thinks of all this - my reply was I wonder what his Dad would think about him having a PA with my wife...
Listening & validating is hard when it's all about him.


Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14
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By the way it's worth mentioning how great it is to be with my Dad and brothers for a change and have people around who *validate me* as opposed to place demands on me.
Planning on catching up with some high school friends while back in my home country & home town as well.
Literally putting some distance between myself and W & her problems.


Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14
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At the end of 2 week business + personal trip.
Felt good connecting with family and old friends - reminding myself what it is like to be treated as someone worthwhile.
W visited OM a couple of times while I have been away.
We discussed her writing a letter - she though it was a good idea as she just could not express herself to the guy.
So she did that then I get a message that she went to see him anyway. She got back around 0100 am and messaged to let me know she was home. They talked had dinner, walked the dogs and went the sauna (!)
I did not react immediately as was out with friends here (morningtime where I am). 30 min later another message assuming I was angry as no immediate reaction my side and that she was turning her phone off.
When I saw the messages I just said neutrally was out with friends and we would talk further when I got home.

Will assume she is done now and insist now on NC or she moves out.
Mulling over whether to discuss the situation with our sons (20, 18, 14) - any advice on how to discuss this with teenage/young adult sons?


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...and got back home and let my emotion get the better of me when I found that, again, she just was having a good time with OM this past weekend and did not have "the talk" to stop the affair.
My 180 was to get angry and put my foot down and restate if she does not stop then she can go.
all the time thinking to myself stop and walk away. Which I finally did
I just don;t know how you stay dark trying to sit on all of this pain and just keep taking it all on the chin


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My H. Has done this. Visited OW saying things have got to be resolved. Then just coming back saying nothing has changed - I was gutted. So, WS can say whatever - but it ain't over 'till it's over.

My approach has just been to set a clear boundary - moved out & "whilst you remain involved with OW, there will be no R with me." Lately I've dropped the rope & started LRT too.... No sign of movement ATM.

Sorry things are rough for you too...


T 13 M 7
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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Quote:
I reflect on one of Micheles posts which is a letter from a man who resolved to be his WAW's best friend regardless of what she did, and so created the changes and space for her to find her way back to him.


I personally would not advise that route at all. Out of thousands of postings, I have never known of any other case where that decision worked with a WAW. Anyone can be her best friend. Only one person can be her husband! If you settle to be her BFF....regardless of what she does.....she will never respect you or feel you qualify for H material. Let another woman be her girlfriend.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Toots & Sandi - really appreciate the feedback
Further discussion with W later in the afternoon helped clear the air further about my standpoint and her mindset right now.
I am still trying to get my head around the DR approach as it applies to my situation
- how to detach but still get support/deal with my emotions about the situation (visiting my friends & relatives last week really reminded me that I am an OK person)
- main issue I have is now detaching in terms of physical contact - hugs/kisses & sex. On the one hand I felt that it is rebuilding bridges & intimacy between us, but on the other hand it is "maintaining cake" to cite ChumpLady i.e. she gets ego strokes and physical intimacy from me and strokes (tho no more sex she says) from OM
- how to maintain clarity w W that what she is doing - continuing to see OM as friend - is not OK by any standard and she needs to sort herself out (without getting into argument or letting her rewrite history etc) - she maintains she want to back off
- not fall into argument traps
- also mulling whether to move forward with separation of bank accounts/move my salary from the joint account (I am the breadwinner) as sign I am moving forward
- also still not sure what to tell my sons (14/18/20), if anything

Meeting my MC this week or next for last session for time being. Very DB-like approach. Her main advice is focus on GAL for myself


Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14
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trouble for W is any scenario for her is not great outcome -
- ending it with OM = no more cake & ego strokes from OM and buckling down to hard work with me (and admitting that her construct of making me the bad guy for "the last 10 years" was a big lie to justify her emotions)
- trying to stay friends w OM = Has use-by date until OM finds new girlfriend and dumps my W or two times her and I stay detached or move forward and separate (economic impact for all of us, incl sons), social impact for her as it becomes known she cheated on me.
- leaves me for OM - she will lose her family as our boys will certainly not go with her. OM lives over just the border in other country (Europe!) and has 3 young kids of his own.

For clarity "cake" references are not literally about baked goods (duh!) but about having her cake and eating it i.e. me as H and OM


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I think it would be wise to insist on her being tested for STD. You can't just take her word when it could affect your life. Until you see the results with your own eyes, please be very cautious.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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