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Hi Jefe,

I know it gets difficult. You wish you could be in her mind to verify the things you are doing are working.

What made me become involved with you posts is because I saw you had a very strong love for your wife. But I also saw you were at the same dangerous crossroads as another blogger.


He bemoaned his situation and wished he could "go back in time" and start over again. What he couldn't grasp was every day is a gift. The gift of time. He had the power to change the future.

Other people's choices give us a glimpse into our future. Maybe it would help to read his blog. He's gone now. I assume that when his wife didn't heal his wounds he quit the marriage.

Maybe his blogs might help you see how far you have come. You can read them under Bob1967.


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Hope,

You have poured out a wealth of information. So much so, that I have to re-read and re-visit the posts often to make sure I have captured and understood all you are trying to tell me. I realize that "I" am the problem in us. I am committed to changing whatever I have to.

I'm still digesting this:
"Here is my hypothesis (please correct me if I am wrong):

The longer you were involved the angrier she became that you were not divorced. You tried to explain the roadblocks but she felt you were being deceptive. Her response was to lash. When she lashed you withdrew. When you withdrew, she lashed more, which made you withdraw even more.

She finally gave up and left the relationship. When she left the relationship it also meant she stopped lashing. This made you stop withdrawing. When you aren't withdrawing you are able to give her attention. She allowed you to give her attention. When she allowed you to give her attention you were able to connect. When you were allowed to have a connection with her you took the opportunity to re-bond. Once you bonded…then you reunited.

If I am right…This is your dynamic again...
"

This is EXACTLY what happened and what is still going on.


"She needs to know you recognize many of the problems in the marriage are your fault and she was a contributor to the good things in your marriage. She needs to know she has value--not because other men find her is attractive--but because she is your lifetime partner."

Yes.

So as I go about making these amends I am overwhelmed by the amount of steps and things. I fell like we need to talk about the business and me securing a full time job first then approach her with the amends for the beginning of the relationship. Or maybe not.

I plan on having employment similar to what I had before no later than the first of the year. And trust me when I say I am so ready for this to happen. She's not crushing any dream at all. I want my happy family back. The financial instability is killing her but the insanely long and unpredictable hours are not helping either. So much so, her current job choices, consciously or unconsciously have put huge limitations on the amount I can work past certain boundaries. I hear her. I want it too. We are big Dave Ramsey followers and since we started this business we have gotten about as far away from those principals as ever. Time to stop this and focus on her needs.

I feel like I need to act soon either way. I know this needs to be done in person and by phone if absolutely necessary. I will be working with my sponsor on this as well.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Wet, thank you. Seriously.

Hope, we cross posted. I didn't expect you this morning.

Yes, I read some of his, I will delve deeper for sure.

I'm not waiting for her to heal my wounds any longer. I am focused on healing hers. I am the spiritual leader of this house, I need to act like it. God will take care of me, my job is to take care of her.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
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"God will take care of me, my job is to take care of her."

Jefe, I think this is the most wonderful thing we can see a man post on this web site.

Because of your strong Christian faith, I encourage you to visit Jimmy Evan's web page if you haven't done so already.(http://www.marriagetoday.com/about/jimmy-karen/)

I also encourage you to visit the Family Life Today web site (http://www.familylife.com/)

Both these pages have a strong anti-divorce message and tools for men trying to save their marriages.

Have a great day!


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
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Thank you Hope. Your opinion means the world to me.

OK, More blogging,

So I hate having to read non-verbal language, but sometimes, that's all we're left with.

Last night the wife was texting with some worries about her new job. She goes out on her own tomorrow and just wants to do well, make sure she has everything she needs, that sort of thing.

The W came and got the girls this morning for a birthday party that I was going to take them to but she decided she wanted to make time and take them.
When she got here she threw a load of laundry in and asked if I could put them in the dryer when they were done. One of the things she texted about needing was a window mount phone cradle for her Phone/GPS, like the one I use. I took mine off my truck and gave it to her this morning.

While there were gone she texted to make sure I didn't forget about her clothes (she needs them for work) texted:

W: "are they dry yet?"
M: "Yup and folded."
W: "Ahh thank you"

So this was an interesting exchange.

When she walked in from the party she thanked me again for her clothes and ran her hand across my chest on the way down the hall. Later in the kitchen, we were standing about 8 feet apart talking about her job and stuff when I took the opportunity to mirror her physical touch and walked behind her and started to rub her neck and shoulders. She responded by leaning back into me and putting her head on my shoulder for a moment or two. She even let me plant a soft kiss on the side of her neck. When she stepped and turned around, she looked at me in a way I haven't seen in a while. As she left, I noticed she was parked in the driveway, something she hasn't done since this whole thing got stupid the beginning of Sept. She usually parks far down on the opposite corner of the house. Most of this may be nothing, but it makes her seem a lot less alien to me for the moment.

What do I take from this? IDK
She reached out, I reached back.
She spoke to me in my LLs, physical touch and words of affirmation
I responded in her's, Acts of service - Laundry, (The cradle was part gift and part service, the back rub while physical touch, it's an act of service for her with the massage part)

At the end of the day where does this leave me? I have no freaking clue. But I want more of it.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
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Well Jefe,

I wasn't there but it sounds as if you took the lead to serve your wife. This made you her hero.

You can tell she saw you as her hero because she made a non-verbal romantic gesture.

Instead of analyzing her actions and leaving her in an emotional wasteland..you returned her affection and you both had a romantic moment.

I say you did a great job today.

Do you plan to see her tomorrow at church?


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
Jefe Offline OP
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She will be coming by tonight as soon as she gets off work to get the girls to spend the night. Then she will take the to church in the morning and I will take them home after.

She almost was going to go to the same service with me tomorrow but she changed her mind. But yes, I expect I'll see her tomorrow at some point.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
H
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
Your wife is spending the night?


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
Jefe Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2014
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LOL, no, she was going to pick up the girls to go spend the night with her. But sadly that plan changed, like I already knew it would before she even went to work.

Damn, I wish she would spend the night.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
H
Member
Offline
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
Glad you clarified this.

I almost responded like a frat boy and said "SCORE!" cry


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
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