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Jefe #2500709 10/26/14 01:26 AM
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Unless you feel in danger or you can't afford to, stay where you are. You also shouldn't file for D first if you don't want the D.

Let her know she's welcome to take any and all steps she feels are necessary, but if this is what SHE wants, then SHE has to make the moves.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Little #2500829 10/26/14 04:50 PM
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W and I have been having a couple good coversations lately. She if fighting life and death for the kids. W does not think it is fair for 50/50 with kids since I was working the last couple years to provide for family and wasn't around much to help with kids. W feels that will not be good for the kids to drastically cut her time with them. She says she doesn't have a choice with the separation. Either she lives in a loveless marriage(she says she will never lover me again). Or end the marriage. She says she can't fight for the marriage b/c she doesn't love me. Is it just me or does W sound a bit delusional. All this mumbo-jumbo is making less and less sense as it goes on.


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

zed #2500832 10/26/14 05:04 PM
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The last couple have talks have been about the relationship. I know everyone says that is a no-no. But I think I am finding out a lot. In not so many words the wife is blaming the failed marriage on me. As she said she was trying. I asked if maybe you were just trying the wrong way. She would have none of it. But I'm starting to realize that she does not feel bad for anything she did as well. We would have sex maybe 2 times a year. Something that really bothered me and was discussed to great length. So much so that I quit trying to initate sex b/c I could not stand to be rejected anymore. She even brought up a couple trips that we went on together without the kids that were really sore spots for me. We went without the kids. I was hoping to have fun with her and connect. She basically ignored me the whole time. She said she did not feel like she wanted to be close. Isn't that her choice not to be loving when she knows what it means to me? Do I really want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't want to take care of my needs? I now realize that I did not take care of her's. But I'm willing and trying to change that.


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

Jefe #2500834 10/26/14 05:11 PM
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Originally Posted By: Jefe
"And you don't need to do anything you don't want to right now. She wants to leave, she should leave. But she shouldn't get to take the children out of the family home. You need to be prepared with a custody order if she tries."

I'm a strong believer in this one right here. She wants to leave, fine let her leave. But she leaves with her clothes, her car, and little else. Wives that want to break apart a family should not be rewarded by getting to keep the fruits of the family.


It would be nice for a WAW to give me an opinion on this.


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

zed #2500838 10/26/14 05:18 PM
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I guess to clarify a bit. W says that she has no choice to separate b/c she does not love me and never will. And she does not love me b/c of choice's I made during the marriage. There for the separation is not her choice. It is a consequence of my actions due to my choice's during the marriage. Any time I bring up it is her choice to separate. It is a big fight.


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

zed #2500853 10/26/14 07:17 PM
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Stop bringing up her choice to separate. You are both at fault. The failure of the M was not all you, the S (while her decision) IS partially a consequence of your actions/inactions and therefore is not all on her. Yes, she is in her fog, speaking in absolute negatives, etc. But there is some element of truth to what she says, especially regarding her complaints about you. And here's the thing: She BELIEVES what she is saying right now. Whether she is actually correct or has just convinced herself of things to help her feel better, she believes it. You are he last person on earth she is willing to reason with right now. So just stop reasoning with her about your M or the S.

Look at it a different way...what is your goal when you tell her the S is her decision? If it is alleviate your guilt and place it on her, then keep going because you are meeting your goal. If it has anything to do with trying to help your M, then it should be obvious at this point that its not working. She's not going to suddenly say, "You're right, this is my decision. And it's a bad one. Let's get back together and live happily ever after." So DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT and stop saying things like that. i would avoid all R talks until you have learned some better strategies for how to act during them.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2500856 10/26/14 07:32 PM
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Originally Posted By: zed
Isn't that her choice not to be loving when she knows what it means to me? Do I really want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't want to take care of my needs? I now realize that I did not take care of her's.
Her "love bucket" was already empty by then. She did not just simply choose to stop loving you. I'm not saying she's without blame. It was almost certainly a mutual failure to fulfill each other. It's good that you are noticing this and are willing to change. But you can't expect for her to suddenly allow you to try to fulfill her. It will be her decision to come back to that. I am going through the exact same thing, and I know how much it hurts to have this new knowledge and motivation, but no or limited opportunity to use them. Here's what you CAN do:

- Focus on yourself. What were/are her complaints about you? Yes she is in her fog, but there is probably at least some truth to everything she says. So listen intently. List every complaint you can think of. Can you identify her Love Languages and/or primary emotional needs?

- Make changes based on that list, but do it for YOU, not to win her back

- Do not overwhelm her with these changes, and definitely do not mention them to her directly (unless she specifically asks). But use every interaction with her as a chance to practice/demonstrate the changes and fulfill her emotional needs in any way you can. But you should be practicing these changes all day, everyday, with everyone in your life. Since I have limited interaction with WAW, I have noticed that the same failures I had with her show up in my other R's, just on a much more casual level. So I've been practicing them there.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2500863 10/26/14 07:56 PM
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Originally Posted By: Card29
Look at it a different way...what is your goal when you tell her the S is her decision? If it is alleviate your guilt and place it on her, then keep going because you are meeting your goal.

Little confused by this. When W was telling me to leave other people were telling me to make sure you let her know the S was her choice therefore I was not leaving. I guess my goal would be that she does not think it is mutual. Expecially for the kids. It is her choice to leave so how can she take the kids. I know that I could have done things differently during our marriage and I have taken responsibility for that. But I want stay and fix it. I choose to fight for our marriage for kids. She does not. If that makes sense.


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

zed #2500866 10/26/14 08:08 PM
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The main point behind that advice was to NOT be the one that leaves. That WOULD have put some of the blame for the S on you. It's important that she knew it was not a mutual S, but to continually tell her that is only doing something negative. She already knows how you feel about the S. Your goal shouldn't be to convince her it's her decision. Everytime you do that, she will be less likely to want to talk to you and will associate you with whatever negative feelings she feels when you put that on her.

I've had to learn the same lessons recently, so don't feel bad. But learn from them and don't keep making the same mistakes


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2500868 10/26/14 08:10 PM
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Thanks Card. Makes so much sense. Hard to think with all the emotions.


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

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