I just don't believe in him enough that he will do that work and THAT'S what hurts. Will he do the hard work or take the easy road? I hate that I already know the answer.
You don't know that answer, so don't worry or think about it. This is a crisis for him, too. There is no way he will come out of his fog unchanged in some way. there's no telling what those changes might be, or if they'll be good or bad, but he will not be exactly the same. If he comes out of his fog and values what he would stand to lose, you might be surprised at the lengths he could be willing to go to save it. But we could all only hypothesize about these things, so for your own sanity, don't.
Originally Posted By: Ss06
Timelines. I've always needed them. I've always needed to know when something might end. No end in sight or even the hope of a good ending... It's unbearable. Or at least seemingly so.
2 years, 2 months and 10 days, remember? This will be resolved by then. (Maybell wisdom)
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
It's seems so easy in theory, Card. Not so easy in practice. I know I'm not alone and so many others are suffering. I'm feeling very self-centered at the moment so the idea of more self care or treating myself better all seems so indulgent but I don't have many options. I can't spend my life vacuuming and crying and lying on the floor.
I just don't know how to stop pondering and hoping and wanting. It's killing me from the inside out.
SS, I totally understand. Sometimes I offer support here to people who need it when I need to hear the same thing. I am a wreck since WAW told me she wants to date around, and so I'm in the same boat as you. Breakdown everytime I come home, wake up in the middle of the night every night and can't fall back asleep. as you said, I can't live like this and need to figure it out
I've never been as anxious about the indefinite timeframe as you, but I am empathizing with your anxiety now since I am fearing the *possibility* of WAW dating OM now.
Someday we will be through this pain, Ss. We will.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Hey Ss, Sorry to hear that you've been going through a rough patch. I think a lot of us here struggle with the feeling that our WAH may never put in the work. But that's a hypothetical question and the answer doesn't matter at the moment. What matters is you getting YOU back on track.
I struggle with the self-indulgent/selfish feelings, too, and so far haven't ventured down the mani/pedi/facial path for the same reason. I finished reading Passionate Marriage a couple of weeks ago and there is a great quote in there about how relationships go well when both partners drive themselves forward. Never mind the "both partners" part, reading this gave me permission to do what ever it is that I need to do to get a hold of myself. The future of my M depends on it!
Some of my best GAL activities have involved volunteering. In addition to me just feeling plain old good about helping others, the people who benefitted from my contributions sent wonderful vibes of appreciation! What volunteer opportunities are there in your area?
I don't remember - are you doing yoga/mindfulness meditation? Sounds like that could be useful for you too given the thought overdrive. My IC recommended that I commit to a daily practice as a way to deal with a whole range of issues (including reactive communication, which I recall talking with you about a while ago).
Are you still living in the marital home? I just moved into a new place and although I initially dreaded the prospect, it has done absolute wonders. I feel like a new person; I'm operating from a new place. Could you consider moving and starting fresh? I realize that may be a little more tricky to do with D7 in tow.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Oh dear -- vacuuming, crying, and lying on the floor. That could have been me last week as well. It does come in waves. Sometimes you have to succumb to those feelings, but then let them go and move on. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying anymore.
Keep surrounding yourself with friends and family and seek out life-affirming activities that give you purpose and pleasure in life. Notice where you are putting your attention. If you are focusing a lot on your H and the situation, practice drawing your attention to something else.
Hang in there! Hugs.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Ss, I am caught up on your sitch. I'm so sorry this is a tough time.
As they say, this stuff is not for the faint of heart. The emotional ride will take you up, down, sideways, frontward and back.
I am certainly no vet. I'm not a therapist. However, I am in a very good place now. I am so like you, in many ways. I will be glad to share what I have experienced, what I've done about it, and what I think.
I apologize for the book....I don't typically post this long on others' threads. I wanted to share so much on this since I was exactly here not too long ago.
When I was in and out of the lowest of lows, they hit me at several different points throughout this journey.
During those lows, I was a bit like you, in that I cried almost daily. When I needed to let the big cries out, it was usually in my car. That was where I would unleash my screams during loud music in an abandoned parking lot.
As if my sitch wasn't hard enough, I became jobless, and it lasted for almost 2 months. The last months of my old job were also extremely slow, and stressful, and I was ridden with anxiety. I had far too much time to think about H and miss him. And to wonder if he missed me.
It wasn't until I began to really take the time, and focus on me, that I started to feel human again.
It was not easy. It was not a simple decide-to-do-it-and-there-it's-done kind of process. It happens in layers.
I read the words everywhere on the boards. So much so, that they can tend to lose some of their impact and meaning. "Focus on you." "GAL." "Detach."
So, as I would read the words, I would know in my head, that "those things" were what I needed to do. But I had no clue HOW. So the info would stall there. As a far away concept. Why?
I was still far too focused on my H.
What he said, what he did, where he was, did he text, how many minutes between responses, what will he think if I wear my ring, or if I don't wear my ring, will he play words game, is he depressed, will he file, is he still seeking to date, does he think about me, what color were his socks today, when he blinked it was a little more with one eye than the other, and what does that mean????
I didn't think I could stop. The truth is, I didn't want to stop. I would not acknowledge that to myself, or posters here for a long time. I had to ask what was I getting out of thinking of him so much? If I know I need to stop, why am I not doing it?
The answer for me, and I see it in you, too? I still thought I could fix him.
No, not thought.... I KNEW I could. I truly thought if I love him enough, he will come back. I told myself I know him better than anyone. Inside and out. I know his fears. His worries. I know what makes him happy. I know how to talk to him. I know his past, his pain, his desires, his dreams....
Then I learned several things.
One, was this: as convinced as I was, that I was right about all I thought, I really really wasn't. I assumed. In fairness, I made these assumptions based on what he said. But, as we have seen, anyone can and will change their mind. Anyone can tell us what they think and feel and want one day, and want something else the next. Scary thought.
The truth is, I CAN'T know what's in another person's head. I CAN'T know their plans until I see them happen. No one can. So, if I don't really know those things for certain, how can I possibly be able to fix him?
I thought I could because I'm a fixer. What do you MEAN I can't fix him??? Of course I can!
Nope. Seriously, Shining....if, over DECADES of experts, doctors, therapists, posters here and others who have dealt with this couldn't fix their patient, H or W, what makes me so different?
Nothing. I can't fix him.
Not only can I NOT fix him? More importantly, I learned this:
Why would I want to?
Even if I could fix him and make it all better, it would deprive HIM, of the much needed experience, HIS journey, of learning on his own. His own tough painful lessons.
"But, I don't want him in pain." Hmmm. Not about what I want. "But, I know the answers if he would just hear me." Hmmm. My answers are not about him. They're about me.
Ss, your answers and solutions for him are really about you.
I had to get honest with myself about that. Uuuggghhhh......tough, tough stuff, Ss.
I know, without a doubt, that you love him, very much. Love him enough to back off. To get out of his way. To allow him to walk his path. Even if that path does not include you.
Choosing detachment doesn't mean you love him less. It means you love him so much, that you will remove yourself as a distraction, and make room for him to live his life.
Ss, your H truly needs to do what he will do. He needs to. He thinks he needs to. Which means, he needs to.
You can't control what he experiences. You can't make him want to come back. You can't just make him learn what you think he should learn. Ss, you can not fix this.
Because it's not about you, or what you think. It's his crisis. His life. Even if you don't agree. And it hurts. OMG it f'n hurts. How can't it? His life is without you right now. It's what he thinks he needs.
It is so difficult to accept, and the suddenness of everything changing. It was sudden from our view, anyway.
During this difficult stuff, which you can not fix, the biggest and most important thing, is to use this time to fix what you can, which is you. USE THIS TIME. You will not regret it.
I often read, and have spoken to a few, who ONLY regret that they took so long to really put the work into themselves. Their only regret was waiting, stalling, hesitating.
It's hard. But, so worth it.
I see you doing a lot of things for yourself, GAL, which is great. However, IMO, if you're only doing those types of things, they can just serve as a distraction. The real turning point for me, was in looking inward. The digging. The "whys" of what I do what I do.
In order to get my focus off my H long enough to work on me, I had to actually start to work on me. Now, THOSE were painful days, as you may have read.
I can tell you this: I don't have the extreme lows like I used to anymore. It took a long time. A lot of patience. A lot of tears. A lot of uncomfortable questions to answer.
I still have more to do.
As T2 wrote, it's truly amazing on the other side.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. But it gets better, I promise.
We all have our own paths to follow, but just to give you a sense of what it will feel like for you someday: This morning, on my first BD anniversary, I saw my husband's apartment for the first time. My D wanted to show me something she was building when I came to pick her up. It was in his bedroom. So there I was, in his apartment, in his bedroom. I looked around a teeny bit, I admit. I saw a strip of those photo booth pics on his night stand-- I'm guessing from the recent wedding he went to, as similar pics were posted on line. It was too far away to see, but I'm also guessing it was him and an OW (b/c I think it was too small for a group shot, and besides it would be weird to put a group shot on your night table.)
Anyway, so there i am, BD day, his new BR, nightstand pics. A lot of stuff.
And I was a bit sad. And even teared up for a minute. And then I played soccer with my D on this gorgeous day, then we put on costumes and visited friends with spouses and babies and had a lovely fabulous day and barely thought of him at all.
This advice was exactly what I needed to hear. I need to understand and actually respect that H's journey is his own that he needs to go through it without interference from me. In the meantime, I will be on a journey of my own. I just pray that we reconnect once our journeys are completed.
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
