Hi all. My previous thread seems to be locked need help please 2. Hope It's ok to continue here
W had kids last nite and D13 is away to Spain tonight. I cooked dinner and W hung around and joined us. She seemed very unhappy to leave D13 obviously and we had good time packing for D. W complemented me on dinner and how kids are being looked after. She left after dinner and both D"s and S19'fell aslleep while watching Star Wars. I'm a lucky man sitting here now with S15 and the other three asleep. Fire lit and health good. I'm a decent man with a job and people who care about me. Life is good. Really sad about M but who has everything ? Hoping all of my forum friends can find moments like this. I'll be sad again but for now All ok. Take care
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
Hi all. Bit of a down day yesterday. Got text from W. To say her charger was broken and phone going flat. I offered to pick a new charger up for her as kids and I were going shopping She said thanks. Kids and I bought some new clothes and did food shop and headed home. Cooker switch had
Sorry. And I was fitting new one when she arrived around 4pm. She came in and the kids did not pay much attention She started to feed dogs and my D10 told her to stop as it was Ds job and not to be done until 5pm. W burst into tears and said they were her dogs and wanted to feed them. She then started telling me that the kids had moved on In the last three weeks since she left and that she had wasted her life raising them. She then had a go at me for spoiling them by buying them clothes that she could not afford. She then had a go that now I did everything around the house she felt that she was not needed and if only I had made these changes years ago things would be different. I told her the past was the past and it could not be changed. We all regret things we should have done differently. She carried on having ago at me and saying she wanted the house sold so she could afford a place for the kids. She carried on for about twenty mins telling me that I had not changed and I was fooling everyone into thinking I had. She finally left saying we were finished and that she had had enough. She is really struggling but I don't know what to do Our M is over but I still care as a friend Tough
Two days ago....We are still in the same house yet, but she does not connect with me as a H. She stopped wearing her rings earlier this week. States that it is gone, have not made love in a month. doing DB couseling with her which gives me hope but think all is lost. Detatching does not seem to work with her, holding and being a good person and H seems to...but I do not know. She cried in church yesterday and stated that she wants to tell the kids (they know something is up). I told her that I would support her if she wanted to move out, but think I will be resentful if she does. I almost want to give her a ultimatum and ask to either put back on her rings and be my W or move out until she can figure it out but am afraid.
Its hard when we love them so much, I accept some responcibility but ultimatly it is now her choice. The kids know something is up but I do not want to say anything until she is sure.
A day later.....she put her rings back on and slept in the same bed (she stated that she was not going to anymore). She said that I seemed detached (because I am trying too). This back and forth is slowly driving me crazy and I WANT TO MAKE LOVE!!!!!! AGH
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
Hrdtms. Post on here often as the vets will help with good advice and the people like me will offer moral support. You still seem to be in a good place compared to others so continue to improve as a person and make her see what she could be giving up.
Re my stich my W was / is very unhappy with our W and left mentally 6 months ago. I did everything wrong and only found the db way and have been working on me ever since My W left physics ally 3 weeks ago and seems more down everytime she comes home. I continue to improve and feel all that does in annoy her and I suppose she is right as I should have do e this years ago.
Good luck with your sitch. It might not seem like it but you are in a great place compared to others. Don't waste it. Take care
I have to jump in here because I had the same impression that rd500 had.
That we are always the ones to end first, leave first, not seem over-eager. I didn't understand that this should be changed over time.
Which is why things backfired on me quite a bit. When H was starting to warm up, I was basically shutting him down, thinking I was DBing.
I tend to take things very literally, and that was my interpretation. I have since figured out that this is not the way to do it, but I definitely wasn't clear on that until recently.
I guess I just thought that if I kept making myself scarce, that it would help me detach, and that eventually, if he was ever going to, H would start to pursue me.
I had another poster who was confused about it, also. And, there may be others with the same thoughts as you.
What has been nicknamed Sandi's Rules actually came about as a response to several LBS who were simply lost about what to do after receiving the bomb. There could have been several other things added to that list, but it was a beginning. It gave the LBS newcomer some type of guideline to some 180's. And as Bond explained, they came from Michele's book, I just put them in a list.
You see, when the bomb is dropped, that is pretty much a wake-up call for the LBS. And the 180's the WAS see helps them to wake up enough to realize..."This isn't what I expected". How long the LBS has to continue those particular 180's will vary from stitch to stitch. But hopefully, when the WAS begins to "come around", so to speak, then those 180's can be adjusted. Sometimes, they have to be on a "sliding scale" for quite some time.
But here's the point, if your goal is to reconcile, then at some point you have to allow each other to get warmer in the relationship. You start getting more attached again, spending more time together and talking more. And yes, even develop a friendship again. These are necessary steps that help piece the M back together again.
Those 37 things on that list are just for a temporary span of time until the M is reconciled or D. The things that should never change are the self improvements and the lessons learned during your DBing days.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi. Thanks for posting. I get what your saying bit when does this happen ? Too soon and your pursuing and too late ?
My W is in a terrible place crying all the time about kids her new place and money She seems adamant about M and I have to respect that. I now believe no EA or PA just a kind nature taking advantage of. However. I love my W and want to help her but she seems to be heading down a dark road. She left with nothing in place and still says the family home is her home even though she has a flat 25 kms away All my friends tell me she wants to come back but I don't see it I just think she is missing her old life and children. Any thoughts please
I tend to be tough on WAW's b/c I was one myself and feel I know the "typical" mindset. For the most part, I believe you have to apply tough love with her. Be firm, but not mean/hateful. Detach, but don't act cold/mad. Validate, but don't support her wrong choices. Act in a polite, curious & friendly manner, but don't try to be her BFF.
Usually, the WAW has to learn the hard way. The sooner her fantasy castle collapses, the sooner she will begin to deal with reality. Your job is not to administer punishment, but neither is it to make her WAW dreams come true. She has made the choice to pull herself out of the M. Along with that choice comes certain consequences........or maybe I should phrase it this way........when she removes herself as your W, she loses certain privileges. At least, she should, IMO.
I believe it was you who told her she could come to the house whenever she wanted b/c it would always be her home. But already you feel displeased that she popped in unannounced. That is why you should not open your mouth and make statements like that one. She took herself out of the home you provided for her, remember? She can't have it both ways. Neither do I believe in giving the WAW reassurances as long as they are in their wayward or rebellious state.
The problem for her is that having it both ways is exactly what she wants. She wants the best of both worlds.....what the family life offers and what the single life offers. And whenever it doesn't happen, or it gets hard........she cries, complains about how hard it is for her, etc. But this is what comes with the decision she made!
Some WAW'S return home simply b/c they cannot make it financially alone. But her love does not return. Most men want their W back.....but want their love also.
So you asked how you can tell. I don't think it comes quickly. I also know how cunning a female can be to get what she wants! Be careful and watch out for the cake eating. Some men believe their WAW's are warming up.....when really they are cake eating. Perhaps that is a difference of opinion, IDK. Personally, I think after some time has passed and there is a little shift felt in the R and she appears to be putting forth some effort, you could slack up on just a couple of things and see how it goes. Nothing big, just easy does it. If in a few days if she is back to her WAW ways again......then put those 180's right back where you had them.
Don't confuse 180's with you lifelong self improvements. Those self improvements should stay consistent. The changes you make in yourself should not go back and forth. Make sense?
You have a lot to learn and you are under a lot of stress, so please don't hesitate to ask questions. Sometimes we may not know a pat answer, but we can try to work together to find a solution, the best we can.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
