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I think the most important piece is to determine which part of you gets to drive your ship. Feelings or core beliefs. If its your core beliefs driving, then those negative emotions are OBSTACLES that you work through to find a way to be true to yourself. The way your previous posts were written it appeared that you had decided to let your emotions drive the ship, and that you were glad because they were leading you to a place that felt less vultnerable, more empowered, more in control, and less regret. I get venting, just make it clear you're trying to transcend those emotions, otherwise it appears you're being drawn in to the appeal of that path.

I'm not suggesting you change your actions, such as suddenly fighting the D or anything. But I believe that the biggest changes aren't communicated in the biggest actions, but in the little things we hardly notice. A look you inadvertantly give or the tone in a reply, body language, etc. I think if you can process this negative stuff and keep bringing it back to compassion and understanding for your H and for yourself, as well as humility and earnest desire to improve yourself...that will shine through more than you know.

It's hard because I agree there isn't much you can do to where I'd be supportive of his choices at this moment. That is the trap- easier to focus on their WAS behavior and feel indignant and righteous.

I have to run. Know that many of us are rooting for you. Keep posting about what you're wrestling with, whether they are emotions or decisions. You're not alone.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Hey, Ahoy,

In May I found out that H had never cut off contact with OW as he'd promised the previous July. I was SO ANGRY. And really disappointed. He had moved out so we could reset but we were still in MC and because of his heavy travel schedule the kids didn't know we were separated. I was hoping they would never need to take that bullet so I'd put a TON of importance on the MC, counting on it to do miracles.

I found out about OW because her baby daddy contacted me via Facebook for the THIRD TIME in ten months. I was so mad I rushed straight to the lawyer, said all kinds of crazy thing, dropped every ball I'd been juggling, and basically was just SO ANGRY. I shudder to think what my kids experienced at that time. I doubt it was very good, but I can't remember what I was like. That was when I took off my engagement ring.

Somehow I started calming down after I saw the lawyer. I had a lot of life to get through, finishing the school year, taking the kids on vacation, etc. I was believing basically whatever anybody said (including, in early July, when H told me that "he wasn't seeing her anymore.") I was a wreck, panicked about the future, trying to make plans, etc.

It wasn't until life calmed down, with my kids on summer vacation with me and I had to get through things without making their life harder than it already was, that I started going through the stages in order. Denial for a long time. Put my rings back on and made a lot of assumptions about where my marriage was going (helped along by my dithering husband who was asking me out for lunches and family time, etc.), and then bargaining -- If I make this change, go to this event, read this book, maybe he'll see we are meant to be. Then finally I got mad and realized I was spending all my attention on him and putting all my importance there.

I'm not sure what I've done with depression. I don't think I'm in it now. I feel like knocking wood if I say I'm in acceptance. But I can tell you that where I am is a lot calmer and easier to live in than where I was. It's easier to be in the moment and to try to take good advice from the people who are kind enough to give it. Even if I feel like it's not directly applicable I take my time about weighing the message and finding places where it is applicable. I don't feel like I need to have my next ten steps planned out because I know what the next ONE is and that's enough for now. I don't know how things will be by the end of the school year or in two years or in two months and I'm more willing to wait and see.

What Zues said may have felt heavy handed and inaccurate to you, but it was very clear and I think he was right. I'm not sure you're in a place where you can hear that very well because you are (rightfully) hurt and angry -- and maybe in denial about your hurt and anger? And you feel a huge responsibility for your daughter that is really weighing on you because she is entitled to TWO responsible parents.

All I want to say is... slow down. Don't get ahead of yourself. Life will unfold either way ("the river will flow") and you really don't have to have all the answers today. You don't have to have any of the answers today.

YOU WILL BE OK. Even if you have to spend more time vacuuming, or crying, or lying on the floor in a heap than you really want to. It's good to take that time, because it gets you to the next place a little more easily.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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hoy. Thank you for your comments on my thread.

Clearly I barely know what I'm talking about but I can see the point that Zeus is trying to make. It does read a little like you dropping the rope is more of an angry f%#£ him gesture than an I've grown and am moving on thing.

Im struggling with the divorce thing. My W wants me to put her needs first by hastening things but that feels like I'm endorsing her behaviour (which I most definitely am not). But to fight it creates more resentment. Feels lose lose to be honest and makes me feel helpless which drives me to want to do something to feel in control.

I worry that I'm being a niave sap by standing for my marriage when she is having an affair (she has justified to herself that its not) but then this fear is trying grip my every action. Just like the fear I will never be able to trust again.

I know that if I had been a better husband she wouldn't have been tempted and until I address that I think anything else is letting my fear control me and will damage my future happiness.

But yes we have to vent and I think here is the right place for it

I hope that makes sense and you can relate.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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Also I'd just like to offer a big hug because you seem like a good, strong person who deserves to be happy.

As a good friend said to me recently. Its OK, let it out, were here for you


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Aug 2014
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Hey Ahoy-

Everyone has a different situation and timeline. Some remain in limbo for months or years before the WAS wants a divorce - some find out about the affair at the beginning - some along the way, some aren't even separated.

I think there are two tracks that are applicable in our situations. There's the "taking care of business track" and then there's the "personal growth" track. We like to think of these as two separate things but of course they influence and cross each other.

In your case your H told you about the affair and affirmed his desire to move forward with divorce at the same time- so you have more crossover than most (as do I).

You have to take care of business and yes you are in the midst of overwhelming sadness and anger (crying on the floor). I envy you that. I've never cried through any of this, and I guess I've had to push a lot of emotions to the side - I take a look at my kids in the morning to enforce my daily resolve to soldier on - but I know there will be a reckoning at some point.

I think you're doing great - you're processing feelings, asking questions, moving forward.....and taking care of business.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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When I dropped the rope a couple weeks ago, I actually was not angry, just disappointed. I am angry now because he is getting parking tickets in my name and not paying them. I would be angry at ANYONE for doing that.

I am emotional this week, yes. I cried for two straight days. And yes I was angry about the ticket. I know each of you has cycled through these emotions before, and I also know they evolve and don't last.

I do need a safe place to vent.

Also, I am done with my H. Like I said all along, I'm a bad DB'er because I've given up. Maybe I shouldn't be on these boards anymore, since I've officially given up on my M.

I know it's hard to hear about giving up for those who believe so strongly that a M should be fought for against all odds and at all personal costs to yourself.

But it is my choice, after all. And guess what: I GIVE UP. I AM DONE. I AM DROPPING THE ROPE BECAUSE I HAVE A LIFE TO LEAD. It's not about my H, it's about me. I need to take care of myself and my daughter, and make that my focus. He wants a divorce. I won't and can't stop him. So be it.

I wish you all the best on your journeys.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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Hi Ahoy. Please know that whatever you have decided you have support on here. Please keep posting as I for one want to know now you are doing. Support always. (Along with my useless advice). Take care , Rd500

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Ahoy, honey, it's always been about you. No one begrudges you the choice to walk away from your marriage.

I think Zues was just addressing your anger which, I must admit, perked my ears up in the last few days as well. No reason for you to leave the boards just because you're done with your M and there's nothing you could possibly do that would make you a bad DBer, whatever that looks like. This isn't fun for any of us no matter which path we choose. There is no right path.

I wish I had more stellar insight to offer or some grand epiphany that I could bestow upon you, but alas my mind is a little too simple for all that. Hang in there, stick around. If for no other reason than just letting us be here for you.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Apr 2014
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I'm not saying you shouldn't give up on him. I'm saying, slow down and make sure you take time to process everything before putting a ton of pressure on yourself to make decisions.

Also, WRT the parking tickets... He's obviously not making great decisions right now, and until the dissolution is complete this will likely happen more often than is ok with you so it would probably be easier on you if you decided how to keep it from ruining your day.

DB is for your healing. Please keep posting here -- your strength & wisdom would be missed!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Sep 2014
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^^^ On target as usual


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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