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I meant more where did your marriage make you unhappy. What would your W need to change. I find it makes it slightly easier to detach and stop punishing myself. Probably not good advice but it has helped me a bit.

When I felt positive it was because I was feeling the improvements I was making in myself and had a really nice weekend with my kids.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Also Edz - try not to be hard on yourself for finding it so hard....it's one of the hardest things to go through. But keep recognising what helps and do more of it. Keep reading & you'll find more ideas to try and move forwards some more.

Sounds like you have a great R with your son & working on you has helped too - But there will always be those tough days. I just try and accept them & let myself grieve or be angry - it is all part of healing.

Hope it's a good weekend for you :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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edz Offline OP
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Thanks for that.

I think everything in our marriage related to communications going down the pan. I made pursuing mistakes and W distanced, I got frustrated, she poured herself into relation with S, I got more frustrated at being pushed further away...rinse, repeat...and down the spiral we went. W ultimately felt I was pushing S away and maybe I was because I was frustrated and maybe even jealous, MIL weighed in and pushed me to feeling fourth or fifth in the marriage and in the end we all were in our own orbit. If we got back together time and communication would be the two things that would have to change, W would need to learn to talk to me about the now not build things up and learn to spend time as a family more (me), with S more (me) and on our own (W she always had S when she did anything) and as a couple more (W never, ever wanted to do things as a couple or spend time alone).

Funny enough she just dropped S round for this evenings card event so I can cook him dinner first, she was invited to stay with the usual no pressure/strings but declined as she wants to spend some time by herself (which is interesting but to be expected considering MIL is back sunday). In passing mentioned has she been thinking about whats next and she still just wants to get out of MIL and get some time by herself, not going down the mind reading road so I dont know whether she's talking time to decide whether she comes back or just time to work out the next move away..only she knows really. She's off to meet up with an old (female) college friend of hers tomorrow so S will actually be staying over tonight (yes, I know, first time since july!).

Working, hard, on relationship with S, seems to be the best its been in years, W sometimes doesnt help by pushing back at me that she's had years of taking him places - I know she's just spiking at me and in some ways I deserve it but sometimes it just doesnt help and I have tried to put a boundry in place of not saying things like that in front of S but its still a painful reminder of what I could have done in the past.

Thanks again all, finishing up work then I have a dinner to cook.


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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Edz,
You just enjoy the time this evening and tonight with S.

I've had a good week and I think it is down to keeping busy GALing like mad and doing things with the kids keeping us all busy. Glad my mum and dad have recently secured a Bach hut which is getting loads of use by me and the kids.

I'm trying my hardest to avoid the W as not seeing her seems to help me a great deal with detaching and I think I'm nearly there and I'm very close to dropping the rope and seriously thinking about moving on for my own happiness but Also for my kids . Don't think it would be good for them and me to just spend all my time with them .

So I can recommend GALing as a good way of stopping the downs .

With it being half term next week are you able to get S to stay over at yours a few more nights ?


Me 40
W 37
Together 22 years
S18
D12
WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months
W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life
After the 2 weeks she has left .
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edz Offline OP
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Hi South just caught me there (Im at my desk working from home on the phone in case anyone wonders why Im not with S, he's taking a rare opportunity to play a video game in the living room while I finish up here)

Yes will enjoy being with him, we're off out tomorrow so will have breakfast together then head out for a walk if the weather's nice. Not likely I'll be much on here until he has to go home at which point its likely to be me moaning again about being on my own wink

Holidays? Dont know, MIL is back Sunday on her broomstick (cue pantomime boos) so I imagine W will fall under the evil spell again, for now though he's all mine for a while smile


Have a good one guys

Ed


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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Posts: 1,942
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edz Offline OP
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Just a quick update.

Well, just had to take S back to MILs he didn't want to go was crying I didn't want to take him and damn near was too. We had a great time last night. He slept right through and was great this morning we had breakfast at a cafe went for a walk visited an event day at the Bic and played on ps3 then had dinner.

W was pretty insistent he was back for 7 so that's what we did.

So back to being on my own now. Better knuckle down and just get on with it I suppose.


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 205
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Could you not have your S over every Saturday ?
I'm just thinking that if it was more regular then maybe it would be easier on him emotionally because I'm assuming that each time he does stay he isn't sure if it will happen again.
It would also give you something to look forward to Edz .


Me 40
W 37
Together 22 years
S18
D12
WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months
W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life
After the 2 weeks she has left .
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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I Think south is right in that a regular schedule would help.Routine is generally good for kids


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
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edz Offline OP
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Well I'd love to say yes. Getting a commitment from w so far hasn't been possible indeed this is the first stay since she walked away. Also the mil is back tomorrow I'm sure she'll lose it with w when she finds out he was here. Yes nothing to do with her but getting w to understand that is something I've failed at in 15 years. Maybe when I move and w leaves mil we can start making more progress. It's all so slow and both s and I seem to be hurting while w continues on pleasing her own ambitions and not ticking off her mum.

I know I sound bitter. Tired and upset and I seem to be the only damn adult out of the whole family.

Last edited by edz; 10/25/14 11:17 PM.

M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
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edz Offline OP
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Well. Less bitter than yesterday. That wasn't helped by it being the anniversary of us first meeting which I held as a tradition each year w was never the overtly emotional one so no surprise she doesn't seem to care.

There are just days where I think if only I could explain better. If only we could discuss this clearly we could get back to our life together. I sit and think I simply can't do this anymore each day then realise there is no alternative I keep going. Probably none of it will work. Probably w is just playing along to get what she wants and has no intentions of coming back but I keep on plugging along.

I know I don't want any new life that doesn't involve her and s but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it and the pain is just sometimes overwhelming.

Last edited by edz; 10/26/14 08:56 AM.

M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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