I am trying to build everyone up not just me. Often I fail, because of the words and the way I express myself.
I always feel my intent is good, in the past I always thought people could see or feel if you were genuine. Seems not.
I have found tho with the amount of external stress my h was deliberately placing on me had a much bigger impact than I or anyone else realised.
This latest revelation, although I really deep down knew it really has made me feel better about how I acted. I was acting with good intent, while my h wasn't.
Dearest GG You have the clarity of a good heart. A good heart acting with best intent will always shine in meaning even when you think this may not be visible. This is better than genuine as it gives example. What others see is their concern, and if they do not accept the great gift of GGs involvement, the more fool them. Don't stop GG, you are ALWAYS welcome in my world. Thank you. I am glad that the gift of GG is repaying with a beautiful happy insight. Fun and laughter Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Saw lovely sis last night, ate out again. A glass of wine but a very long day. Worth it as I love my glam sis.
Server is down in the office. H rang whilst I was at fast growing client, but I could not help at all. Good days work yesterday. I am facing a really stressful day, so decided that I will change my attitude to the challenge. Try to resolve it.
Tonight a new gamanon group is staring, will be closer to where I live, it's an inaugural meeting. Would be very sorry to miss it, so will go. I get a great deal from these meetings plus my steps meetings so this is very important to me. I suppose it's GAL. I am on step 9 (making amends), won't be recovered until step 10 which is a maintainance step. Those of the groups who are at steps 10, 11 and 12 have a glow about them, this also applies to the GA members. I want that glow and that peace. I am still making amends, make take many years!!
Nearly let my bath overflow, so colder than normal bath. Lively days Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Was very pleased, small group including a couple of guests. Leader from another group has got sponsorship for 6 weeks for the room hire. One evening the room isn't available so the guys from GA have decided we can have an open or joint meeting. So that's 7 weeks covered. There will be a collection each week so that can go towards room hire for the following 6 weeks. One week is Xmas week. The lads and lasses in GA have decided that they need GAanon so they will top up the second set of weeks. Looks like I have 13 weeks paid for., GA want me to give an hours talk though. I should have added this location already has a GA group ( relatively new) but no GAanon attached so there is a desire for the GA group to support GAanon in this location. They are separate clubs though.
I know this is hard but I am not yet recovered (that means step 10 onwards. This will make it tough to lead this new group. Why? Mainly the ratio of recoverers to non recovereds will be low, so between meeting care will all fall on a few. There is very great distress in our GAanon room sometimes.
Starting last night my number was distributed, think I may get another phone just for this purpose. H checks my phone, he doesn't tell me he does but I know he does. He also forgets and puts it on charge. H is also not supportive of my starting a gamanon group nearer home. Tough.
Reasons for new group are: 1. I travel 3 hours for my nearest group 2. Tuesday is a much better night than Thursday and I can go dancing Thursday now GAL 3. It will be a challenge for me 4. The nearest group is 1.5 hrs away x2 travel is 3 hrs, hard for non drivers and very tough if have kids 5. We start half an hour earlier so I won't be late to bed on a school night
Sounds selfish all about me...............
As I move towards being recovered then I am trusting that my higher power will help me. I have my DB and this board too. But it means I am doing step 12 before finishing step 9. Discussing practical issues, gracious.
A late morning as I have the dentist, broke a tooth.
Yesterday I decided to start to tackle the big weight issue more seriously. A year ago I discovered (after a long flight) that I had a chest infection. That infection developed into pneumonia and in February 2014 my doctor started me on steroids. My left lung is still congested and it means strenuous exercise hasn't been possible until the last few weeks. Whilst I do gym, it has been weights not really energetic spinning. I love spinning so my new regime will include this. My first class for over a year is on Saturday. H cancelled his gym membership as he says he can't afford it! Even though when it comes up for renewal this time it's mt turn to pay. That way we get a discount as we pay for a year in advance and we get free lockers plus 10% off drinks food, treatments etc. there is free wifi and there is a glitch so a further discount for that.
At least it means that I won't run into H at the gym from the 1 December 2014. I have a credit card with a zero offer so I will pay on that. I need my gym membership and all the facilities especially if I am selling my home. I own the house we are moving too, it needs a new roof so I plan to add an extension and a new roof. I currently let it out although that doesn't cover its costs. Selling the big house means that I can pay off the mortgage on the small one, extend, pay off my mortgage on my holiday flat and pay off H for his shares and agreed buyout in the financial settlement. Won't be anything left though and I may need to keep a small mortgage.
This means H will have no claims on me for the future. Anything he gets he gambles or spends away. His choice, he is a big boy, should wear his long trousers and socks. But it is so very hard and heartbreaking. I will protect myself from his compulsion and I will be a leader to my group. PMA Vanilla, PMA.
I have you lot to chivvy me into action too.
On another track, am reading Thorntons thread all of it, as his OH was a dry drunk, and that is very helpful indeed. Thornton if you are still out there, I would like your guidance. GG I am working your thread too, as I don't like posting until I have done that.
Amazing words on Jim's thread yesterday evening (UK time). Especially from GG. Off to the dentist. Happy days Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/19/1409:21 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Weight has been an issue of mine ever since I've been an adult. Mum too, nana too sister too.
I have dropped from over 100kg to I suspect around 80. 42inch waist to 36. Not where I need to be but heading there. I have done spinning In The past it's fun. Walking is good low impact, if you can still talk that is fast enough. There was a famous diet plan called the clothes line diet. The lady was to scared to walk on the street thinking she was too fat. So she walked around the rotary clothes line.
The sky is the limit. Just focus and weight loss will be easy.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I am going to have to be careful, we have two lovely GG and Gg.
Both of whom dispense terrific advice and support.
Tooth only need support buckle filling. Sore but covered by NHS.
I am off to get a new vacuum cleaner, loo rolls and basic bits from the local Costco discount centre.
Need to look for a tumble drier: it's my fault the old one is broken apparently I over used it. Really H?
Am going GAL tonight with a friend to the cinema. Going to see a bio about the code breaker who helped win the Second World War. Will be absorbing, and informative. That is Elementary.
Last night, I missed all the action for HP and Jim: guys please have a quiet evening.
Gg amazing physical change, needs a lot of adapting to I imagine. I shall be asking you loads of questions and digging into your knowledge base. Hope that's ok, I have never had a weight issue before so this is learning territory. H has made a big thing of my weight gain: he is ignoring his own beer bump. He looks 6 months pregnant with twins if he stands sideways. But of course he never looks at himself sideways in the mirror or else it's an invisible beer bump.
Love the irony of it.
Ramblings of a disordered mind Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/19/1412:19 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
