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Vanilla #2507556 11/15/14 01:37 PM
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Interesting morning.
H as usual went to golf but half the course was closed so he is home early.
He bought some shirts this week, expensive but not very nice, lumberjack style. Had to smile as he bought M, then took them back and got L, now those have gone back for XL. The beer has caught up with him.

H has done no washing for three weeks so has no favourite clean stuff. I won't wash his clothes as:
1. I put too many garments in the machine to wash things properly
2. I am allergic to bio washing stuff and clothes not washed properly and this is clearly hypochondriac behaviour
3. No conditioner on clothes
4. He smokes and his stuff smells bad and I hate that stale tobacco smell
5. I don't check pockets properly
6. His collars and cuffs need scrubbing (golf mud and general grub)
7. I use too much soap

And so on

Just waiting for h to discover the hot setting on the tumble drier doesn't work!

Neither does the Hoover but it will take him many years to discover that too.

Regards
Vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 11/15/14 01:37 PM. Reason: Too much empty space

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2507655 11/15/14 10:22 PM
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Another calm day, spent mostly resting.

Broke a tooth, great pain and discomfort plus lots of cost no doubt!

More books arrived, am reading avidly, nothing to match the DB principles, watched some u tube videos on working the twelve steps. Very heart warming indeed and I can see some parallels with DB, such as working on ourselves, humility and selflessness. I would dearly like to be further developed and I struggle with my junk. I know that the higher power within me stops me from being lonely and keeps me warm and safe. Unfortunately I am not recovered yet only working my recovery at steps 8 and step 9 making amends is next. That will be hard for me as sometimes the feelings of inadequacy get in the way of recovery.

Mistakenly I confused inadequacy with humility but actually they are poles apart. Inadequacy keeps me in a hurt place afraid of doing, writing or saying something wrong or damaging. Humility tells us that actually that we are not important enough to make that much impact. Our impact is mainly on ourselves. If only I could think that way, it gets in the way of my recovery.
I feel like more sleep as tomorrow is a very busy day.
Peace
Vanilla


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2507731 11/16/14 07:48 AM
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That feeling of inadequacy is a real burden to carry. It weighs us down and tires us out.

You know from my thread that I'm carrying this one as well but trying to put it down.

Be careful of that definition of humility though because it can be a step on the road to feelings of 'I don't matter' (not a long journey for me'

In the short term why not try and think in a different way. Maybe something as simple as 'I am enough' - youre not saying you're perfect or that you can't do better but you are enough for you and that's what matters


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2507872 11/16/14 11:35 PM
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I use I'm awesome.

I resigned a job for a friend of h. It just didn't suit hours wise, so I rung him up said I'm really sorry but I cannot do the job this time things have changed. Then I said because I'm so awesome I have the name of someone who said they could do it for you. All you have to do is talk to her and see what you think.

He agreed I was awesome. See what I did? Even tho I was packing my pants feeling like I could vomit any second, I told him what I thought about me. I'm ok because although I've cause some drama by not doing the job. I have organised you a replacement or a place to start to solve your drama. In effect I didn't actually let him down.

I went the extra mile, leaving the choice to him in the end, but I didn't leave my commitment without great thought. It showed I took it seriously.

Often you can tell people those things in a nice way and unless they have a serious problem with you, they won't disagree.

I tell my customers "I'm awesome, but don't tell anyone one you will ruin my bad girl image with a ;)" they all laugh and smile. They often agree with your awesome but it will be our secret!

I try never to "should " on myself anymore.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Ggrass #2507881 11/17/14 12:04 AM
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Thank you GG, I love your parable, thank you, great guidance
Thinking about it..........

So......

I text H earlier this evening as follows:

When you are ready, we can chat about the remuneration issue.
I would like to be thought of as generous. Let me know.

V x

No response from H

But this is the first text to H in about a month about non factual stuff- such as we need milk, can you put out the bins plls etc

Unsure crazy


Last edited by Vanilla; 11/17/14 12:06 AM. Reason: Unforeseen auto correct

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2507883 11/17/14 12:16 AM
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It's more about self talk and the way you talk about your self.

I used to make jokes and put myself down constantly. I used to shoot my own worth down. I'm trying not to. Tough gig.

I haven't yet tryed it in front of h yet, but I don't see him lrt and being dark as midnight has put that to a moot point.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Ggrass #2507892 11/17/14 12:54 AM
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Thank you GG for the clarification

I guess the self deprecation is an English trait, that is engrained. I adopted this at birth, it came with my passport. The warning is well taken, I do as you say the opposite of PMA.

You help me be cheerful. I look forward to your reports of PMA with H. There will be lightness in the dark, and humour in the dour.

All happiness
Vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 11/17/14 12:58 AM. Reason: Mispost

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


jim0987 #2507894 11/17/14 01:09 AM
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Thank you Jim

As always concise and on point.

I will meditate on this in my morning wake up. Please do the same, take the wise guidance given. smile

vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 11/17/14 01:14 AM. Reason: Add smiley

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2507910 11/17/14 01:59 AM
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I am trying to build everyone up not just me. Often I fail, because of the words and the way I express myself.

I always feel my intent is good, in the past I always thought people could see or feel if you were genuine. Seems not.

I have found tho with the amount of external stress my h was deliberately placing on me had a much bigger impact than I or anyone else realised.

This latest revelation, although I really deep down knew it really has made me feel better about how I acted. I was acting with good intent, while my h wasn't.

Last edited by Ggrass; 11/17/14 02:02 AM.

M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Ggrass #2507974 11/17/14 01:06 PM
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I need to take a leaf of Ggrass' book.

I do the British self deprecation thing and I think my W got fed up with it. She thought I was saying I don't trust her to not cheat (which she now has but anyway....).

Having said that my intent was always good.

Be positive about yourself and others. It will pay off in the long term.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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