Plain vanilla

[Vanilla]

IC gave me a task to do. Wants me to examine which needs of my own are being met in this relationship. And identify why I want to stay in it.

Actually I satisfy my own needs externally from the relationship and am indifferent to staying in it. As time goes by I realise I need to ease myself away with as much dignity as I can muster and with the least possible fuss and bother.

At this stage I am standing in the doorway, maybe I need this to detach. I hope H accepts this if it becomes time.

Vanilla

[Vanilla]

Felt the whole day today feeling very low.
Have gamanon tonight.
Feel very tearful and distraught. H very aggressive and rude today. H wanted a lift to the pub where they are all going to football which I agreed to give him and he was very aggrieved that traffic made me 2 minutes late. He rang my office and let it rip at one of my staff. Staff member felt he was due an apology from H.

This is truly awful aggression which I am finding it very hard to detach from.

I really feel lost and am going dark to avoid showing the hurt. But this will not help How do I cope with this as reinforcing my boundaries results in rudeness and aggression.

This is interfering with my rice bowl.

PMA and GAL.

Vanilla

[SunnyB]

IC gave me a task to do. Wants me to examine which needs of my own are being met in this relationship. And identify why I want to stay in it.

Vanilla, I have been reading your posts and I have to say I've wondered this myself about you. I'm not judging at all, we all have our reasons for staying, and I know we aren't seeing the whole picture, just the parts you are able to post about. But, still, I think this will be a good exercise for you. Maybe you decide you don't want to be in the R. Or maybe you do wish to stay and fight, but your list of reasons will help give you more direction on how. Wishing you clarity.

[Vanilla]

Thank you rffpl for your interest in my posts.

Sorry can't get quote to work in edit mode😳😳

I am very conflicted about this. I feel paused , held in a doorway neither in nor out, waiting to make a decision. In many ways to stand for my marriage is a way of pausing of not making a decision. A little like hotel California one can never leave!

I have been working on this offline and so far this is my thinking so far:
1. I like being married, it has meaning for me. My vows are of themself enough
2. To share in a family and 3 lovely grandchildren when my own family is so far away
3. To have someone to share the financial burden of life (although a flat mate would be a possibility)
4. To love even if that seems not to be returned
5. To know I have done everything I can before I give up
6. To grow and learn as much as I can so that I will be a better person and have better relationships including H
7. To learn detachment so my relationships will be better in general
8. To get and keep a life GAL and never stop GALing for the rest of my life
Regards
Vanilla

[Vanilla]

Easier couple of days.
Bonfire night in the Uk is a festival celebrating the failure to 'blowup' parliament and is fun with fireworks toffee apples and baked potatoes. Toasted marshmallows etc, kids love it especially H's GDs and its is HSSO's birthday too so fantastic fun evening. H on best behaviour whilst as HS but afterwards went for a drink, I insisted we go in separate cars as I wanted one drink with HSSO (I took a bottle of fizzy, some extra fireworks and a bowl of hot chilli) to celebrate bday but I do not drink and drive ever, so only sipped and added orange juice.

Last night was due to go GAL with a friend but she was unwell, but whilst at gym class some of the group were going to the sauna and invited me to go along so ended up GAL after all. Lively chat, frivolous stuff and relaxing.
Woke this morning ready for action feeling good as slept well, best for a long time. H still in bed and no words spoken but noticed he had washed his bedding!
H is looking tired and unwell, just letting him get on with it and letting go.
Had a sad letter from my dad yesterday, he is barely coping with mum so my compassion and extra energy should go in that direction. Have decided to make the long journey once a month to see M and D. My D is an amazing man and has been a great dad and I love him very much indeed. M is more difficult a prima Donna and politically very right wing with strong prejudices and beliefs- well until she had dementia. M always had to be right and D was always fogging- "there may be something in what you say" and his old favourite Groucho "It isn't possible for me to say that I disagree with you" . D maybe I am more like you than I thought, H is always saying I am -like its a bad thing?
Quietly assertive my dad , I could have chosen to use more of his tactics with H. Sounds like a plan.
Last couple of days, I have been able to detach, my IC and my gamanon sponsor have all said I must stop concerning myself with how much H drinks. If he is in a downward spiral then it's best that I watch for the aggressive phase of alcohol so that I can be protected. otherwise let H free fall as its the kindest thing to do for him and the safest thing for me, let him be ill, hungover and deteriorating. But it is so hard to do, watch someone you love fall to pieces. I have decided difficult though it is to do this. But I will not buy alcohol with the shopping and actually I drink very little alcohol, except if entertaining.
H was very rude to a good friend yesterday and put the phone down on her, she told him she didn't know where I was. She was very upset when she rang me, I apologised for the upset and gave her my mobile number so she didn't have to ring me at home. I did not rationalise H's behaviour or excuse it in any way, but I did apologise that H's attitude had upset her. Is that the right way to handle this?
My cousin and her H are coming today for the weekend, and they are such fun people, the two Hs get on well and my H is always on his best behaviour when there are family about. We have a charity event on Saturday night with a live band and 70s fancy dress. Am really looking forward to it.
Back to work!
Feeling relaxed.
Regards
Vanilla

[Vanilla]

I am working on the list given above for Monday both my next IC and 12 steps so should have some good feedback. Will post the finished list as future orientated goals for me.

I have been meditating and looking to my higher power for guidance. Seeking some spiritual truth.

Looking forward to my cousin and her H visiting for the weekend.

Regards
Vanilla

[Vanilla]

I have been thinking about the observations of a GA member in an open meeting. He referred to his behaviour when he was gambling: "I was an awful person, a truly bad man, I acted without thinking and I would have done anything to stay in action. My personality was rotted to the very core, then I attended GA and suddenly in the mirror of others lives I saw myself. I had an awakening and I have attended GA every week since and sometimes more. I was out of order and unfit as a person to have relationships but I know that it was me that was the problem in my life and gambling was the way it exhibited itself. But it could have been anything; drugs, alcohol or smoking. Essentially the issue was in me and that has to be addressed every day"

I think of that being me too, addressing the issues in me every day and i ask for the strength to cope just for today. Today will be a good day, my favourite cousin is here and last night was very enjoyable. I cooked fish pie last night which is one of my favourites.
Regards
Vanilla

[Vanilla]

Good evening 70s party and danced to cheesy music until midnight with live band and day glow bracket. All in all good GAL but does that count if H came too?

H even danced a little although he was drunk again but so was my cousins H, on the whole though a good evening.

Poor old plain vanilla with her thin whispy hair and dumpy body in 70s gear and enjoying the dancing. Still got the moves........

Had a good day so PMA is high.

Observed that I have stopped LRT as decided to take D off the table for the moment.

Detached from the amount H drank so I haven't a clue but he was very drunk at 7 o'clock and it went downhill from there.

I am searching for answers but can't find potential WAWs in my sitch on the site. Lots of LBS trying hard but how does one behave in order to get a potential LBS to wake up. Do I really have to walk away? Do Sandi2 rules apply in part or in whole to the potential WAW?
Just musing
Regards
Vanilla

[Vanilla]

Plain Vanilla is one of the least offensive of my shadows, she projects very easily and emerges when I have no confidence. Projected and able to help me overcome obstacles. Tu face the pain and overcome.
At her worst she enjoys a pity party.

Regards
Vanilla

[Vanilla]

Two other more sinister shadows are the dementer who has only reacted twice in my life once with great destruction and the second time to aid me in a great struggle. I keep the dementer loose as it is almost impossible to contain but my goodness very difficult to direct when riled, glad he is on my side. The second is a recent grow your own demon that I refer to as the screaming banshee who is the master moaner and groaner, screeching as if injured, she protects me when I feel I need defending but on the whole more bark than bite. I appease the screaming banishee and am trying to get her to STFU constantly. I also have stubborn stonewaller who sulks and plays hurt hobbit but recently she has stayed quite still and not come out to play very much.
In addition to my shadows there is a small cast of translucents who I wish to encourage to be more active but they seem to stay hidden when I am under stress.
My IC and I are going to discuss my shadows in my next session and how they play a role in my life and I think I will ask to review all of the other parts too. Surely there must be some goodness somewhere.
Gam anon tonight and thoughts of what represents a higher power. Last time we reviewed the difference between the higher power and the greater power. The internal locus and the external force, with the aim of realising that the internal is more important than the external but I still don't quite get it yet. Step 11.
Regards
Vanilla