Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 10 1 2 3 4 9 10
MrBond #2502165 10/30/14 10:46 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Vanilla Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Went to sauna last night so relaxing with a very good female friend and moo he'd talked about nothing in particular and everything specific. GAL chatting and very encouraging.
Arrived home and H fast asleep in bed with TV blaring but first time he has been home before me in a long time. I feel the pressure is off me now a little. H went to golf early and I stayed in bed drinking coffee and eating hot buttery toast. Read some of DB (arrived yesterday).
GAManon tonight so will chat about your observations MrBond and ask for some guidance about coping. There is also a coda meeting on Tuesday's and next step is to evaluate if I need help with boundaries or not.
Will think long and hard about the instant gratification issue and low impulse control too. Very helpful thank you, it resonates.
This is clearly a man in crisis and I don't have the skills to cope or even diagnose it. You are right to advise standing back and protect myself.
My S and I together with my sponsor have been working on the financial limits of earlier posts- I really needed help with that and was very reluctant. Doing a financial agreement means I can be settled in my mind that my exposure is capped and I can plan. As you say it protects and it has the effect of limiting my exposure to financial damage. But it really pains me to do this even though I need it for my own protection and financial safety. Of course the house will have to be sold unless I can raise the finance another way. I am referring to it as the house and not our home so that I can view more dispassionately.
I feel a little better for it. This may help my PMA.
Thanks
Vanilla


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2502277 10/30/14 05:51 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Vanilla Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Moo he'd lol


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


MrBond #2502424 10/31/14 01:18 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Vanilla Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Mooching

Went to GAanon arrived home half an hour ago and had a surprise
This morning stripped bed and put sheets into the laundry.
Came home 12:30 to find the sheets dried and my bed made.

Go figure......
H hasn't changed his bedding

Thank you H
Vanilla


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2502514 10/31/14 09:09 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Vanilla Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
H went into work today. Acting as if it is normal!
He even made me a coffee before he went.
One day at a time today I can do what I can

This evening GAL Halloween party we are going to dress up it is a charity event

Had a text from my sister about Xmas do we want to go?
I have parents M 89 and D 93 still alive my wonderful sis has the main care of them and I usually visit. This year is problematic as yet not gone too public until I get my self together and under control.
Unsure what to do so haven't responded as yet
Vanilla


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2502840 11/01/14 10:28 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Vanilla Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Dreadful day yesterday.
H signed agreement and came to work. After an hour or so claimed to have flu and went home to bed. Found him flat out on the sofa watching sport on the TV. Did laundry and prepared a chili with rice for the evening meal. Also did shopping and cleaning.

Glad I went GAL as after I had gone H went drinking and this morning at 6 am has gone to golf. Clearly I make miraculous chilli; may be i should bottle it. I reacted as if he was ill. Made drinks, food and did chores was solicitous.

So hard standing back and watching someone you love fall to pieces. Detach, detach, detach or at least act as if detached.

Trying to let go of my resentment and LRT..

Noticed that I put S i(for solicitor) in earlier posts- will use L in future.
Filed financial settlement with solicitor and at least know that my financial exposure is capped.

Will GAL and am now going to the gym.
Vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 11/01/14 10:31 AM. Reason: Grammar error

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2502845 11/01/14 10:45 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Vanilla Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Realised I haven't explained the work issue.

Financial settlement says if H does any work in my business he gets paid an hourly rate for it. This is because one of his complaints was he was'helping' me and not receiving payment. So have taken that on board and have paid him for his booked hours, when we went through his log discovered a lot of the time helping was for his own issues! And he watches sport on his iPad when in the office. To his surprise he discovered he hadn't actually done as much as he thought.

But none the less I have paid him to day. One less complaint off the table.

In addition H bought shares in one of my companies and I am arranging a loan to buy them back as he clearly wants the cash back. Will survive but it is very hard work.

Vanilla


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2503107 11/02/14 12:53 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Vanilla Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Things not so good last night.

H swore at me, he was taking a shower and the water went cold accused me of running a bath to deliberately make the water cold. I will not be verbally abused in this way. And this was before he had a drink!

H went out drank 6 pints of beer, was asleep when he came home, wanted peace to read and think. Watched a film in the living room, haven't used that room since Xmas as H usually on couch watching sport.

It is my house too..........
H went to golf this morning, peace to do my washing and ironing. Am in the office getting ready for tomorrow and work.
Can cope to day.
Am seeing an IC tomorrow to be assessed for codependency as if yes will need more directive help for my issues. PMA getting harder and harder.
Wanted to paint my garage door but it's raining hard.
Think I may go to the seaside to get a little nature top up. Sold on the idea, maybe some fish n chips for a change.
Vanilla


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2503205 11/02/14 06:50 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Vanilla Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
As the Potential WAW wanting my potential left behind spouse to invest in himself as well then some of the DB doesn't feel entirely appropriate but the detaching bit definitely does.
Let LBS find his own way and just stay away quietly and without investing in the outcome. Talking causes confrontation and I just want peace. Tomorrow I'll know if I am an enabler.
Sitting in a cafe overlooking a stormy sea feeling alone.
Can I cope with a life without connection warmth and sex? Drunks can't connect very well, and there can't be that in my life. I can't decide if that's ok or not.

Vanilla


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2503401 11/03/14 07:27 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Vanilla Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
A new day and the garage door is broken. Have to fix it in the pouring rain.

H nowhere to be seen or heard so at least it's peaceful, apart from the wind and rain. Thought of working from home today if H not around.

I lost a travel purse at the airport so I need to contact lost property about it. I have a 4 o'clock therapy appointment and we are examining the codependency issues, there are some tests I can do and discuss so will need to attend early before the session.

Today I feel good, leisurely bath this morning then up for action.
Vanilla


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2503649 11/03/14 08:07 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Vanilla Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Had analysis at IC am apparently not codependent but am in need of urgent help.

Will be referred to a counsellor dealing with alcohol affected families. IC more concerned for my safety than I am as there are aggression markers in H behaviour. I am not convinced there is much risk however and feel this is over stated but will be more observant.

I would be well advised to completely detach from H's drinking as one drink is too many. Whether he has 1 or 10 drinks is irrelevant and I could choose to cease to notice. As far as possible I should encourage H to drink outside of the house and cease to buy his alcohol of choice as part of the shopping. He should go out to drink.
In addition keep the store cupboard stocked with sliced bread, sliced cheese and sliced ham ( no knives). Carbohydrate foods will make H sleepy after drinking so crackers, Mars bars and easy cook microwave rice noodles and other junk food will reduce aggression when he arrives home. Drunks need carbs.
Don't drink with him when he is drunk, don't reward drunken behaviour, clears own mess including toilets and sinks. Don't pick him up after drinking, try to travel in separate cars when going to events if heavy drink is involved. Don't excuse his behaviour and leave him exposed to the abuse he doles out when drunk. Just walk away if he gets aggressive when drunk and don't be embarrassed by it, he is only showing himself up.
Don't enforce boundaries with a drunk and call for help from authorities. If H injures himself when drunk leave him to deal with it himself unless serious. Ignore hangovers they are self inflicted.
Encourage the golf, exercise is good. So the handouts go on.......
Help more research to be done!
Lots to think about
Vanilla


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Page 2 of 10 1 2 3 4 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard