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#2500572 10/25/14 01:36 PM
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Link to previous thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2499948&page=11

Thank you guys all so much for picking up my spirits when I was down in the dumps last week. That part of the emotional cycle is so hard. I think I spent two straight days crying.

Then I get a notice in a mail about an unpaid parking ticket that H had not taken care of (his car is in my name as well). He is SO IRRESPONSIBLE. So I call and ask him to take care of it (he just had) and ask him to take care of these things more promptly in the future so I don't receive notices in the mail. I am ready to be legally untangled from this person.

Looking back, I've always had a degree of stress being with him because I always felt like I had to take care of everything for him due to his ADD, his lack of time management skills, and his general irresponsibility. So I will have one less person to take care of, and can focus on the people who really matter in my life.

That being said, I have learned from this relationship and will no longer take on the burden of managing another person's life -- it's not healthy for either of us, and he perceived it as controlling. Live and learn.

My sadness gave way to anger over the ticket. I'm supposed to meet with him Tuesday to discuss steps moving forward with dissolution. Makes me feel a little sick to my stomach, but I know in my heart that I don't want to be married to him anymore.

Is it mean to say I hope he crashes and burns in his new path in life? As my daughter's father, I suppose I should wish him well, as that is in her best interest. But it is hard to feel that way right now...

Meanwhile: GAL activities: carved pumpkins with neighbors, had slumber party with daughter, helping out with haunted house tonight, going to hear a friend DJ, then tomorrow trick or treating and chili at a friend's house with daughter followed my hearing live music.

I hope this gives me no downtime in which to start feeling sad again.

Wish me luck on Tuesday.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
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Ahoy, that's a great list.

I've been a little worried at the prompt way you've dropped the rope and decided you don't want to be married to him anymore. Everything about your situation is so fresh that it seems a little too decisive, especially given your description of the way you comforted each other during your health challenges in the last couple of years. I wish it were possible, but you really can't short-circuit the steps.

I'm really glad you're feeling strong and that you have so many great GAL activities happening. But don't feel like you shouldn't be sad when you're sad. You have to live through that part too. It's not fun but it is an important part of the healing and moving forward.

I hope you feel really proud of yourself, and that you're still shopping and doing other personal things to feel great about yourself. Your wisdom and strength have been an amazing resource for me and I so appreciate it. Sending you hugs...


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Thanks, Maybell. I know it seems rushed, but this is what he wants, so I don't think I can stand in his way. Part of it is driven by my fear of the unknown, I know. I struggle with anxiety about this, even though I know I shouldn't let fear dictate my life choices.

I always seek clarity, and getting a dissolution would bring that. Also, I just don't know that I have it in me to be with him again after all the pain he's caused to me and D14. Maybe I would feel differently if he were giving me any hope of reconciliation at all, but he is not. Also, he has dropped me from his health insurance for next year, so I really have to pursue a D in order to enroll in Obamacare since his work would offer insurance otherwise. It's complex. I guess I just don't want to be legally connected to him for many reasons.

If, after D, he decides he wants to work on things, then I'll see how I feel at that time, but either way I don't have a burning desire to stay married to him. He's become a stranger to me, and someone whose choices and values I cannot respect.

I know I have it in me to forgive and move on, but it takes two, and that's no happening in my situation.


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Ahoy, your posts are so very inspirational to me. It sounds like you are moving forward and I hope and pray that I find that strength and wisdom in my future. smile


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Quote:
Thanks, Maybell. I know it seems rushed, but this is what he wants, so I don't think I can stand in his way. Part of it is driven by my fear of the unknown, I know. I struggle with anxiety about this, even though I know I shouldn't let fear dictate my life choices.


When have you been through bargaining and denial?

I'm not saying you're moving out of his way too quickly on the dissolution. That's probably the right thing to do. I'm just worrying about how strong you've been and how quickly you're moving to the to-do list. I did those things, too, in May & June, and then I had to backtrack to those stages, which was painful. I think you have to let your knees buckle so you can stand back up on firmer ground.

I am SO ROOTING for you -- you've been amazing, really inspirational. Just make sure you pace yourself.


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This took me an hour on an Iphone. But i couldn help it. Maybell said it way too nicely. Ahoy, the way you're talking and making choices right now sounds no different and just as crazy as your H or any other WAS. Keep on this path and you might as well have been the one that left.

----"My sadness gave way to anger over the ticket. I'm supposed to meet with him Tuesday to discuss steps moving forward with dissolution. Makes me feel a little sick to my stomach, but I know in my heart that I don't want to be married to him anymore."

This isn't detachment. This is resentment. Sadness and anger are almost the same emotion. Most people like anger better because they feel in CONTROL. Where is your accountability for mothering and controlling him? Why are you going to use this ticket as a sign he's a terrible H and an excuse to give up? If you acieve reconsciliation he'll be different too, more independent. Can you handle an independent man?

---"Is it mean to say I hope he crashes and burns in his new path in life? As my daughter's father, I suppose I should wish him well, as that is in her best interest. But it is hard to feel that way right now... "

More anger. Lots of resentment. No, it's not wrong to feel this way when you're hurt. It's human. It's wrong to meditate on his wrongs, fan those flames, and build them into a bonfire of defiance.

---"Thanks, Maybell. I know it seems rushed, but this is what he wants, so I don't think I can stand in his way."

This isn't anything to do with standing in his way. It's about you making life changing decisions for your family out of hurt, fear, and anger. If you're in a fight and be says 'we should get a divorce!' In he spur of the moment, so you get mad, agree, move out, file, and never look back...would you say 'it was all his idea, I couldn't stop him'? I'm not worries about stopping him, I'm worried about you encouraging him.

---"Part of it is driven by my fear of the unknown, I know. I struggle with anxiety about this, even though I know I shouldn't let fear dictate my life choices.
I always seek clarity, and getting a dissolution would bring that."

Exactly. You are scared. You have problems dealing with difficult emotions and live in fear because you're afraid you will run into them again. So you CONTROL your life to try to minimize negative emotions. You are making a life changing decisions about a family based on your defense mechanisms.

---"Also, I just don't know that I have it in me to be with him again after all the pain he's caused to me and D14."

Lots of resentment. Feels safer than pain. Lets just be the one to walk away from the WAS. Resentment is NOT detachment.

---"Maybe I would feel differently if he were giving me any hope of reconciliation at all, but he is not. I know I have it in me to forgive and move on, but it takes two, and that's no happening in my situation."

You're right, it takes two. But before two comes one. You're not going to both wake up simultaneously and want to make this work. Someone has to lead down this tough path. You're saying "I'll walk it if you promise to follow". That won't work. Because he doesn't want to fight for the person you are at this end of the path. Maybe if you do a good job you'll be a wife only a fool would leave.

---"If, after D, he decides he wants to work on things, then I'll see how I feel at that time, but either way I don't have a burning desire to stay married too."

Again, he won't if you don't do the work. Resentment is poison. Oh, and not feelin like standing by your H is no different then him not feeling like being with you anymore. I'm confused...do you or do you not believe in commitment beyond how you feel?

Really Ahoy this is not about reconsciliation, this is about YOU. If you bail on DBing then your life and your future R's will be the same. Blaming his actions or lack of reciprocation and hiding behind resentment and control is not a spiritual path and not how I'd advise making decisions. DBing isn't about 'leaving the door open in case he changes his mind'. It's about growing as a person and finding ways to use your growth to be a better spouse, one that someone would be a fool to leave. I think you have that in you, but it's not whats inside that matters, it's what you choose to do.


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Zeus, Let me clarify something -- although I vent here on this thread, in no way do I show my H anger, sadness, resentment, etc. I am totally following DB techniques, and have in no way bailed on DB. I have said I would be willing to work on R if he changes course, and address my role in the demise of the M. HOWEVER, H has stated very clearly that he plans to pursue dissolution. I can't stand in his way. I have told him that's not what I want. I do not have a choice in the matter.

If I occasionally express anger, resentment, and sadness on this thread it is because I need a safe place to process these feelings, a place where it WON'T be damaging to my M.

I recognize my need for clarity and control as a weakness -- that's why I mention it. I'm not denying it, and it's something I'm actively working on.

I am not applying my need for clarity and control to my H right now. I am grappling with a lot of personal decisions about my future, however, but am trying to push those aside and be present in the moment instead and not make hasty decisions.

I certainly don't mind the 2x4s, but I want to clarify that I am not pushing the D forward. It does give me peace of mind, however, to be able to say goodbye to him upon his request knowing that, if this is the new person he has become--someone who will abandon his family to run off with another woman--then I will be okay without that. I guess I don't believe in committing to someone who is gone. I think that's a pretty big waste of time, frankly. I'm committed to being in this moment and being open to what might happen, however. I am committed to taking care of me and my daughter.


What else should I be doing? Actively opposing the D -- arguing with him? I guess I'm trying to figure out what exactly you're suggesting I do differently.


M: 43 H: 39
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P.S. I would totally LOVE to have an independent man. It would be nice to have someone take care of ME for a change. Truly.


M: 43 H: 39
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BD: 6/2014
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OW revealed 10/2014
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Maybell -- how did you backtrack since May and June? I'm curious to know how that might come about. Trying to stay open...


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Hi Ahoy. Just a quick post. Ithink i know exactly where you are. My W is making decisions that I know are not right. She is creating a world of

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I think the most important piece is to determine which part of you gets to drive your ship. Feelings or core beliefs. If its your core beliefs driving, then those negative emotions are OBSTACLES that you work through to find a way to be true to yourself. The way your previous posts were written it appeared that you had decided to let your emotions drive the ship, and that you were glad because they were leading you to a place that felt less vultnerable, more empowered, more in control, and less regret. I get venting, just make it clear you're trying to transcend those emotions, otherwise it appears you're being drawn in to the appeal of that path.

I'm not suggesting you change your actions, such as suddenly fighting the D or anything. But I believe that the biggest changes aren't communicated in the biggest actions, but in the little things we hardly notice. A look you inadvertantly give or the tone in a reply, body language, etc. I think if you can process this negative stuff and keep bringing it back to compassion and understanding for your H and for yourself, as well as humility and earnest desire to improve yourself...that will shine through more than you know.

It's hard because I agree there isn't much you can do to where I'd be supportive of his choices at this moment. That is the trap- easier to focus on their WAS behavior and feel indignant and righteous.

I have to run. Know that many of us are rooting for you. Keep posting about what you're wrestling with, whether they are emotions or decisions. You're not alone.


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Hey, Ahoy,

In May I found out that H had never cut off contact with OW as he'd promised the previous July. I was SO ANGRY. And really disappointed. He had moved out so we could reset but we were still in MC and because of his heavy travel schedule the kids didn't know we were separated. I was hoping they would never need to take that bullet so I'd put a TON of importance on the MC, counting on it to do miracles.

I found out about OW because her baby daddy contacted me via Facebook for the THIRD TIME in ten months. I was so mad I rushed straight to the lawyer, said all kinds of crazy thing, dropped every ball I'd been juggling, and basically was just SO ANGRY. I shudder to think what my kids experienced at that time. I doubt it was very good, but I can't remember what I was like. That was when I took off my engagement ring.

Somehow I started calming down after I saw the lawyer. I had a lot of life to get through, finishing the school year, taking the kids on vacation, etc. I was believing basically whatever anybody said (including, in early July, when H told me that "he wasn't seeing her anymore.") I was a wreck, panicked about the future, trying to make plans, etc.

It wasn't until life calmed down, with my kids on summer vacation with me and I had to get through things without making their life harder than it already was, that I started going through the stages in order. Denial for a long time. Put my rings back on and made a lot of assumptions about where my marriage was going (helped along by my dithering husband who was asking me out for lunches and family time, etc.), and then bargaining -- If I make this change, go to this event, read this book, maybe he'll see we are meant to be. Then finally I got mad and realized I was spending all my attention on him and putting all my importance there.

I'm not sure what I've done with depression. I don't think I'm in it now. I feel like knocking wood if I say I'm in acceptance. But I can tell you that where I am is a lot calmer and easier to live in than where I was. It's easier to be in the moment and to try to take good advice from the people who are kind enough to give it. Even if I feel like it's not directly applicable I take my time about weighing the message and finding places where it is applicable. I don't feel like I need to have my next ten steps planned out because I know what the next ONE is and that's enough for now. I don't know how things will be by the end of the school year or in two years or in two months and I'm more willing to wait and see.

What Zues said may have felt heavy handed and inaccurate to you, but it was very clear and I think he was right. I'm not sure you're in a place where you can hear that very well because you are (rightfully) hurt and angry -- and maybe in denial about your hurt and anger? And you feel a huge responsibility for your daughter that is really weighing on you because she is entitled to TWO responsible parents.

All I want to say is... slow down. Don't get ahead of yourself. Life will unfold either way ("the river will flow") and you really don't have to have all the answers today. You don't have to have any of the answers today.

YOU WILL BE OK. Even if you have to spend more time vacuuming, or crying, or lying on the floor in a heap than you really want to. It's good to take that time, because it gets you to the next place a little more easily.


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hoy. Thank you for your comments on my thread.

Clearly I barely know what I'm talking about but I can see the point that Zeus is trying to make. It does read a little like you dropping the rope is more of an angry f%#£ him gesture than an I've grown and am moving on thing.

Im struggling with the divorce thing. My W wants me to put her needs first by hastening things but that feels like I'm endorsing her behaviour (which I most definitely am not). But to fight it creates more resentment. Feels lose lose to be honest and makes me feel helpless which drives me to want to do something to feel in control.

I worry that I'm being a niave sap by standing for my marriage when she is having an affair (she has justified to herself that its not) but then this fear is trying grip my every action. Just like the fear I will never be able to trust again.

I know that if I had been a better husband she wouldn't have been tempted and until I address that I think anything else is letting my fear control me and will damage my future happiness.

But yes we have to vent and I think here is the right place for it

I hope that makes sense and you can relate.


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Also I'd just like to offer a big hug because you seem like a good, strong person who deserves to be happy.

As a good friend said to me recently. Its OK, let it out, were here for you


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Hey Ahoy-

Everyone has a different situation and timeline. Some remain in limbo for months or years before the WAS wants a divorce - some find out about the affair at the beginning - some along the way, some aren't even separated.

I think there are two tracks that are applicable in our situations. There's the "taking care of business track" and then there's the "personal growth" track. We like to think of these as two separate things but of course they influence and cross each other.

In your case your H told you about the affair and affirmed his desire to move forward with divorce at the same time- so you have more crossover than most (as do I).

You have to take care of business and yes you are in the midst of overwhelming sadness and anger (crying on the floor). I envy you that. I've never cried through any of this, and I guess I've had to push a lot of emotions to the side - I take a look at my kids in the morning to enforce my daily resolve to soldier on - but I know there will be a reckoning at some point.

I think you're doing great - you're processing feelings, asking questions, moving forward.....and taking care of business.


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When I dropped the rope a couple weeks ago, I actually was not angry, just disappointed. I am angry now because he is getting parking tickets in my name and not paying them. I would be angry at ANYONE for doing that.

I am emotional this week, yes. I cried for two straight days. And yes I was angry about the ticket. I know each of you has cycled through these emotions before, and I also know they evolve and don't last.

I do need a safe place to vent.

Also, I am done with my H. Like I said all along, I'm a bad DB'er because I've given up. Maybe I shouldn't be on these boards anymore, since I've officially given up on my M.

I know it's hard to hear about giving up for those who believe so strongly that a M should be fought for against all odds and at all personal costs to yourself.

But it is my choice, after all. And guess what: I GIVE UP. I AM DONE. I AM DROPPING THE ROPE BECAUSE I HAVE A LIFE TO LEAD. It's not about my H, it's about me. I need to take care of myself and my daughter, and make that my focus. He wants a divorce. I won't and can't stop him. So be it.

I wish you all the best on your journeys.


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Hi Ahoy. Please know that whatever you have decided you have support on here. Please keep posting as I for one want to know now you are doing. Support always. (Along with my useless advice). Take care , Rd500

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Ahoy, honey, it's always been about you. No one begrudges you the choice to walk away from your marriage.

I think Zues was just addressing your anger which, I must admit, perked my ears up in the last few days as well. No reason for you to leave the boards just because you're done with your M and there's nothing you could possibly do that would make you a bad DBer, whatever that looks like. This isn't fun for any of us no matter which path we choose. There is no right path.

I wish I had more stellar insight to offer or some grand epiphany that I could bestow upon you, but alas my mind is a little too simple for all that. Hang in there, stick around. If for no other reason than just letting us be here for you.


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I'm not saying you shouldn't give up on him. I'm saying, slow down and make sure you take time to process everything before putting a ton of pressure on yourself to make decisions.

Also, WRT the parking tickets... He's obviously not making great decisions right now, and until the dissolution is complete this will likely happen more often than is ok with you so it would probably be easier on you if you decided how to keep it from ruining your day.

DB is for your healing. Please keep posting here -- your strength & wisdom would be missed!


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^^^ On target as usual


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
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What Jefe and maybell said.

You make the right decisions for you and only you know what they are. We will support you as best we can as you've supported many of us.

We all want you to be happy


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Ahoy, only you can say what's right for you. We are here to learn from each other and support each other, not to make decisions for one another. Everyone here wishes you well.



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Ahoy, I hope that the main message you got is, I'm sorry you're hurting. I want you to be well. I am behind you.

The details are just my two cents.


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Ahoy- Come Back. I miss you.


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hi raliced. miss you too. It's been a challenging few days, and I've been feeling beaten down by life. Also, I'm questioning whether I want to continue with the boards or not. I think I spend too much time here, and sometimes people can respond in a manner that is really insensitive and hurtful. I like getting advice, but there is a kind way to go about it.

My MRI for tracking my multiple brain tumors is next week, so I'm anxious about that. My H told me last week that we are not in a "trial" separation. He is done with the M. He told our daughter that we would never be a family again. He wants to date people and experience life on his own. I have to accept this.

This morning we met to discuss the steps to move forward with a dissolution. Normally, I would bring all the paperwork, go through all the finer points, argue for what I want. Instead, I showed up empty handed and let him drive the conversation. (Even though I had read two books on the dissolution/divorce process in my state and have already printed out and familiarized myself with all the forms.)

I asked him if he dropped me from his health insurance for next year, as he had said he would. He said he didn't and that he's sorry if I had misunderstood. He said he would keep me on his insurance as long as I needed. We could stay married on paper as long as it takes me to get secure. I cried a bit at this point, because the health issues I face and the whole insurance thing has been making me anxious for weeks. He started crying a bit too.

I told him that I wasn't sure what I wanted going forward, but that if we pursued a dissolution, I thought we should both be 100% sure. He said he wasn't 100% sure (but he also said that he's okay if that means he ends up alone in the long run, so I don't think he wants to be with me, even if he's not sure about D). I said I was sorry if I had seemed to push for resolution sooner. I said perhaps we should both pursue our own paths (dating other people), and see where things lead, then we can reevaluate in January. He agreed. I can tell that the thought of me dating others affects him, even if he doesn't say anything. Honestly, I'm not even interested in starting up a new relationship, but I do want him to open his eyes to reality, and this might help. I told him that I wasn't going to sit around waiting and hoping, but that we were moving so fast that it would be good to slow down the process.

So that happened. He is not in a hurry, he says. I still don't think he wants to restore the M, and maybe never will, so perhaps there's no point in the delay. Perhaps it will just drag everything out and make it harder for me. But for now I will sit in this space and see what transpires.


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Ahoy! I'm so glad you are back!

Wow - you have had a lot go on this week. (I get to look forward to a similar convo with STBX next week)

So relieved to hear about the health insurance - that should take one worry off of your plate for a while anyway. I will be thinking about you during these tests.

I think I said this on your thread earlier but we may have cross posted. There is nothing wrong with moving forward with Dissolution and taking care of business. Yes, people are here to save marriages - but you can't have a healthy marriage without a healthy you - and you need to be putting yourself first right now. I am Team Ahoy- all the way.

Interested about his reaction to the idea of you dating someone. Honestly - I don't think this has ever occurred to STBX, much less the idea of someone being a stepfather to his kids.

Again - so glad to hear from you again - we're in such similar situations and time frames - and you are such an awesome polka-loving, banjo strumming lady- I always look for you.


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I'm glad to hear that you will have insurance as long as you need it.

Great job giving him something to think/worry about regarding you dating others. I have failed at that lately. Check out what sandi2 wrote last night on my thread. Maybe the thought of you dating will bother him enough to make him reconsider things. Who knows?

You have been supportive of me and others on here, and I hope you are able to find peace and happiness.


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I'm glad he did the stand up thing and kept you on the insurance. Sounds like he has no clue what he wants.

Glad you're back


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Glad you're back. I'm sorry if I was hurtful or insensitive. It was not what Iwas aiming for. But you sound much calmer and that must feel easier.

Best to you.


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raliced, thank you -- you always cheer me up, and I always look for your posts too. We do have much in common in our situations, and I admire the peace with which you've been able to move forward in yours. One day I will write a banjo song in your honor about all this nonsense that we're going through!

Card -- thanks for chiming in too. I do hope that the thought of me dating others gives him pause. I did see what sandi wrote on your thread, and it's one of the reasons I mentioned the dating thing to my H. He has to be afraid to lose me, because that is ultimately what is going to happen if we continue on the path we've been on. I don't even have to actually date (I know I'm not ready), but I can be mysterious and let his imagination fill in the blanks.

In other news, I am truly grateful for my 14-year-old neighbor who helped me rake leaves; to my 88-year-old other neighbor who mulched the leaves in part of my back yard with his riding mower, and the other retired neighbor who until this week had been a stranger to me, but who heard about my situation and used his mower to blow all of the leaves in my front yard into the ditch for pickup. I hope I have a chance to pay forward all the kindnesses.


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Maybell, it wasn't you, so don't worry.


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If I offended, Ahoy. Not intended. You have been a huge support for my and I appreciate it.


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Ahoy, great to get an update! Be well, my dear.



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Glad to see an update from you. I look forward to reading your posts, as I think you sound very insightful. So sorry for the medical issues you are facing. Prayers and positive thoughts as you deal with that.


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Hi Ahoy. Your back. GREAT You have been a huge source of support for me and in my darkest moments a kind post is fantastic to read. Re your health issues please keep posting as it's strange but you start to care about virtual friends. Just to throw my penny's worth in, your H is thinking about all this as much as you if not more and if your only half as cool and nice as you seem on here then he is going to lose a special lady who he will struggle to replace. Sorry for long winded post. Just wanted you to know you have made a difference in case you decide to stop posted Rd500.

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Not you, either, Jefe! Don't worry. You've always been a kind supporter.


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kind of blew it last night. H had told me he couldn't make parent-teacher conference because of work conference in NY. Then I found out from one of his colleagues -- a friend of mine -- that he isn't going on work trip to NY but to Philly (where his GF lives).

He wants to build trust with me so that we can get through the dissolution process (which will take a lot of trust), but he lies to my face.

I know I shouldn't have called him, but I did. I asked him if he was going on the work trip (they ride a bus together to get there). He said yes, so I asked if he would need my help watching D14, since the trip goes through Monday. Then he admitted that he was flying, and probably not participating in all the work related events and so would be back on Sunday. I said, "So you're not going to Philly?" Then he admitted that he planned to take a bus from NY to Philly (where he will have to stay the night, of course). Who flies to NY then takes a bus to Philly, then back to NY just to fly back. This man is a liar.

I told him I didn't care what he was doing (or who) and that I don't need the details, but that if he wanted to build my trust he should be truthful with me.

Remind me why I want to save this M? Do I? Really?


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Oh Ahoy-

I wish I had some good advice. I really don't know how to deal with all of the lies. In my case its not so much the divorce process - but how the heck am I going to co-parent with this guy for the next 15 years when he tells such whoppers?

I'm insisting on co-parenting counseling for that reason (which he has agreed to) and honestly that will be my question for the counselor - How do we build up some type of trust that will allow us to partner together for this critically important task?


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Ahoy my dear, glad to hear the update. And glad that you still have health insurance!

To me, it sounds like he is in the fog. Wants to get away from you as quickly as possible so that he can continue with his OW and/or dating additional women. He wants to be freeeee! I'm in a similar situation. My H said he was completely done and just wanted to be free, and finally I acted like that was OK with me and that I was moving on too. That was when I started to see glimmers of his confusion, sadness and regret.

I don't know what will happen with your situation or mine, but I think you are doing the right thing letting him go on his path and telling him you are on your own path as well. At the same time, slowing down the D process is smart. Time will tell if he starts to regret his choices when he is free to do whatever he wants. Perhaps he will discover the grass is not greener, and when the fog starts to lift he will see that he made a mistake.

If not, you are on your path and will be making your own life better each day!

Stick around here! smile
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There are so few positive outcomes on these boards. It makes me wonder if there is really any hope.

I know there is hope for saving ourselves in this process, but I wonder how many marriages are actually saved once they reach this point.


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Originally Posted By: Ahoy
There are so few positive outcomes on these boards. It makes me wonder if there is really any hope.

I know there is hope for saving ourselves in this process, but I wonder how many marriages are actually saved once they reach this point.


I think its dangerous to put the hopes and dreams of our M on others who are "here" .... truth is .. the M collection here is at a crossroads and its not easy even without all the issues let alone the walking wounded mess we all are.

The hope comes from the DB techniques we all aquire here, the support of people who truly "get" what we are going through, who do not tell us to give up ... because they understand and can offer insight, wisdom, guidance, or just a lending ear.

Hang in there Ahoy ... it will pass. Detach, work on you.


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It does seem to be a rather down day, doesn't it? I do subscribe somewhat to the theory that people drop off once their situation improves. The very first poster on my first thread seemed to be heading in a good direction and hasn't been heard of since mid Sept - so I hope he's doing well. Sometimes I find hope in unexpected places - someone will mention in their thread that their parents got remarried, or a best friend stopped a divorce at the last minute.

Worst case scenario- there's no one in real life who appreciates what we're going through like the people on these boards.

Last edited by raliced; 10/30/14 07:04 PM.

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Hey there Ahoy. I'm glad you don't have to worry about health insurance. But sad you're having a rough time.

Sometimes I avoid some people's threads if I'm not in a robust state of mind but I do have my favourites, and yours is one.

We know what we need to do but we also know it's hard. Chin up lass. It will get better. Everyone says so, so it must be true.


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Argh. So I've been changing the beneficiaries on my 401Ks, and for one of them (the largest), I have to have spouse's signature of approval. That's not going to happen. So I guess that will have to wait until the D. Yuck.


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It is NOT a down day. At least, not in my corner of the world.

So I'm on my 18th thread. Which is kind of embarrassing. But when I first started posting here ere was a whole different cast showing up on the front page. And the cast that was on the first page when I started posting is entirely different from the cast that was on he front page when I started lurking.

I almost gave up on this site because one of the first threads I started reading was Train's. When I started, her H was really nasty, had trashed one of her anniversary treasures, told her in writing that he was reducing her support to an amount that wouldn't cover the mortgage, and that she should let the house go into foreclosure. She was contemplating a really dramatic move out of town and was on the verge of signing papers. In one day he went from texting OW behind her back t asking if they could work things out.

Another hopeless case was T0324. Hers was really venomous. She still shows up from time to time. Her turn around happened over two weeks. You would not believe the stuff her H did. And yet they're piecing

Thornton posted every single day, broken hearted. Six straight weeks of no contact with his long-term girlfriend and her daughter, who had been part of his life since she was one year old. That part especially broke his heart. The girlfriend was posting stuff on Facebook that made it seem like she was thrilled to be loose, but when they started speaking again she'd lost 20 pounds and cried every single day.

A few others I read decided their lives were a lot better without their H's and moved on. They were great voices and I miss them.

In my family I know of several couples that divorced and then remarried one another. Among my friends I know a few that separated for several months and you'd never know they were anything other than happy now. And I know bunches of stories where the couples did divorce and the LBS's went on to marry the loves of their lives. (Generally, the WAS's did not. And basically all of them regretted their decision. Which is not necessarily a desirable outcome but is a telling one.)

Being here, doing the work, that's worth while. Doing the work earns you the happy ending, whatever it may be. Sometimes it's reconciliation. Sometimes it's not. But you can make it happy if you choose to.

Hugs to you!!


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Thanks for that, Maybell. Great post!


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Originally Posted By: Old Dog
... I do have my favourites ...


And naturally Maybell's is another: a joy to read.


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I forgot Crimson, who actually divorced and is now in piecing.


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Thank you so much Maybell for this post. I also have my doubts about the method sometimes and it's good to know that it's working toward reconciliation for some of us. I believe that it's the right path, whether we get back together with our spouse or not, but in my heart of hearts, I'm still at the point where I want to be back with her more than anything. Patience...

I keep a file of those success stories, so there's also minkerman, Starsky309 and HopefulStill. For the last two, I've been told of their story, but I don't have the link to the threads. There should be a field in our signature!


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Awesome post Maybell!

I have many friends who have renewed their relationships! It can be done. I have a good friend who recently stopped her divorce at the last minute, literally the week before it was granted. She's now expecting twins.

I have several couple friends who have split up and reunited after time has passed. Sometimes a few months, sometimes years. It appears now they are happier than ever.

Lately I noticed couples in my circle of friends that used to have a lot of conflict and seemed on the edge of splitting up, have seemingly worked out their troubles and become so much closer.

And there are plenty of examples on here as Maybell said. Those of us who are sad and struggling often post the most, and tend to get the most sympathy and feedback. The others who are doing better sometimes drop off. So you might not notice those folks.

There is hope. DB does work. I can see it working in my own situation and others on here, although I don't know what the outcome will be for us.

Here's to hoping!
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I really liked that post maybell. Thank you


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Thank you, Maybell! I really needed to hear about those stories. Not because I want to cling to hope, but because I needed the encouragement to keep going on this path. It's hard not to throw in the towel when you're the only one doing the work, and there are no signs of change. When your H says he plans on renting his current place for years to come and goes out and buys himself a fancy new bed. When he says he'd rather grow old alone (!) and take his chances with pursuing his current relationship with OW.

Last night I read a bit of Pema Chodron. She went through two divorces -- the second one her H pulled the rug out from under her, announcing an affair and a divorce all at once. She mentioned that pain is unavoidable, but there is something we can do about our suffering, which is to detach. I am trying. Last night when my mind was racing I kept reminding me of this. I am the one creating my own suffering through my thought patterns right now. That's what I need to work on.

I did go to the movie and dinner Meetup last night and got handmade chocolates from that one guy I mentioned. But I was feeling a bit under the weather and also my heart just wasn't really in it. I know it's silly to think I'll never find love again (and also this is part of me creating my own suffering), but it is one of those thoughts that haunts me.

I try to remember that I was a whole, complete person before I met H, and that I can be that person again. That I don't need a partner in life, necessarily. I do have friends and family, and ultimately we are all alone at some point. Still, it's hard.


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You're never alone. You might not be in a relationship or you might be by yourself but you're never alone.

There is always someone who cares for you and usually its more people than you realise.


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Thank you all for chiming in. I don't know why I'm struggling so much these days. I have a feeling that I'm no fun to be around, that all I can focus on is the M. I know this means I need to work even harder on GAL and detach. The sadness is overwhelming some days. I know my life does not have to, and will not, revolve around my H, but the past 15 years have been that way, so it's hard to break those habits of mind.

I am trying.

It's hard knowing that he's going to visit his GF next weekend. I can only hope that in spending time together they realize that they are not suited to each other for the long term. But then again he said that even if that R doesn't work out he would be okay just being on his own. Was I really that terrible? Were our issues really that much worse than the issues faced by any other long-term marriage? Were they really unresolvable? I don't think so, but it doesn't matter what I think. It won't change anything.

My heart is broken. I'm going to have to go completely dark. He has to know that he is losing me, but the sad thing is that he probably doesn't care.

I'm struggling with my sense of self-worth.


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Prayers for you! While you are farther along in your "battle" than I am, I too am feeling that struggle with self-worth. I understand. While I am too new at this whole thing to offer any real advice, what I can tell you is that there are people in this world who love you and think you are very valuable to them. Try to hold onto them as best you can. And, for whatever it is worth, I enjoy reading your posts and find strength and comfort in them, as we are close to the same age and are dealing with similar issues.


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Thank you, Dawn. It is nice to know that we're not alone. I am lucky to have a wonderful family and friends who love me. I don't know what I'd do without them. I need to focus on the positives. I appreciate your kind words. I'm rooting for you as well!


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Originally Posted By: Ahoy
Thank you all for chiming in. I don't know why I'm struggling so much these days. I have a feeling that I'm no fun to be around, that all I can focus on is the M. I know this means I need to work even harder on GAL and detach. The sadness is overwhelming some days. I know my life does not have to, and will not, revolve around my H, but the past 15 years have been that way, so it's hard to break those habits of mind.


You don't know why you're struggling? For the past 15 years, you have gone about your daily life getting groceries, going to work, taking your daughter to school, etc, with the underlying and fundamental understanding that you had a partner in life. Now that has suddenly and dramatically been yanked away from you. In addition, many of your recent posts deal with updating 401k forms, health beneficiaries, studying the dissolution process and all the minutiae of a family separating. On top of that, you have all of your daughter's grief and angst to deal with (because I strongly doubt your H is pulling his weight with that one). Of course you're struggling, who wouldn't? If you weren't struggling with all of this I would worry about you. There's no getting around the sadness. I do reasonably well most days, but it always gets to me when I receive a piece of mail that's addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Raliced, and I realize there is no more and.

Originally Posted By: Ahoy
It's hard knowing that he's going to visit his GF next weekend. I can only hope that in spending time together they realize that they are not suited to each other for the long term. But then again he said that even if that R doesn't work out he would be okay just being on his own. Was I really that terrible? Were our issues really that much worse than the issues faced by any other long-term marriage? Were they really unresolvable? I don't think so, but it doesn't matter what I think. It won't change anything.


Yeah - that blows. It just does. However, I would put zero stock in his assertion that if it doesn't work out he'd be ok by himself. What else is he going to tell himself or you - that if it doesn't work out he'll come back to you? He has to justify all this baloney in his head - and the justification is that the marriage is over regardless of the fact that he just happened to recently start a relationship with another woman. And that is just malarkey.


Originally Posted By: Ahoy
My heart is broken. I'm going to have to go completely dark. He has to know that he is losing me, but the sad thing is that he probably doesn't care.

I don't think for the briefest second that he doesn't care. You're too awesome and you wouldn't have picked someone who is that much of a tool.
Originally Posted By: Ahoy
I'm struggling with my sense of self-worth.
Ahoy - This just makes me sad. And please, don't make me sad....

Last edited by raliced; 10/31/14 09:00 PM.

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You're probably right, raliced. It is a bunch of malarkey. I so appreciate your insights. I hope in some small way he does still care. It's hard to see right now, in the thick of his MLC fog.
Deep down, I know I am worthy. It's hard to face rejection, and it makes me reevaluate everything in a questioning light. I am sad, but I will power through. I'm hoping for a better week.

Heading out to play music at a jam with my D14 (both on fiddles tonight). H is dropping her off. I hope he doesn't stick around. Once he brought his guitar (that I bought him) and tried to play along and it was just pathetic. I had been begging him for years to learn the songs and join us at the jams, but he waited until he had left me to do it. So I'm wondering what this evening has in store.

raliced, I treasure your friendship. thank you


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When you're playing music and having fun, you'll forget about this for a while. The situation won't have changed but you'll be OK for that period of time. Which means all this sadness is just in the mind. Tell yourself this when it becomes too strong. I try to do this myself.

And I'm glad you say you have lots of people who love you. That's good. And we all do too.

(Not so) Old Dog xx


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Hi Ahoy railed put it better than most. Your worth is without question. Rejection is incredibly hard and of course it's effected you deeply If it didn't you who be in a fog. Take care and know people who don't know you care so have no doubt your ah cares he just doesn't know if yet

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Ahoy,
you are not alone. these WAS are cruel at times. mine told me that she would rather be the cat lady than be with me. but it does hurt them inside. i know it does but because it is their plan they put on a facade. maybe it is not as hard for them as we'd like it to be but it is. that thought allows me a little empathy for my W and keeps me from reverting to who i used to be. prayers and hugs going out to you.


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Ahoy, you have immense value to us. I know that doesn't make the bed less lonely at night or make feel better when you come home ithout a partner to greet you, but you still matter to us.

I think about all you guys when I go to bed at night and strangely it dose give me some peace.

Have a great weekend. I'll be praying extra for you.


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So H showed up at the jam and just sat there and worked on his computer the whole time. No eye contact at all. Didn't watch us play, even though D14 was right next to me playing along. Then he spent a lot of time texting on his phone and smiling (likely to GF). Why is he doing this? What is the point? Just to hurt me? I'm hurting enough, thank you. Why rub it in? Why hang around in my presence? Is it not enough to rip out my heart -- he has to stomp on it now, too?

At least it was good to play music. I can usually lose myself in playing a bit. But of course, I was distracted by H's presence the whole time.

Big hugs to all of you who are helping me through this week. I'm sorry I've been so needy. I promise I'll spend more time on your threads and less time in my own head next week. It's a goal I'll set for myself.


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Ahoy, I'm halfway through my second glass of wine, but if I could I'd give you an "I love you, man!!!" hug and tell you this is the s$cky part of the journey, but you'll get through it. Would have loved to have heard you jam.

Ignore your H. He's a fool. smile

I love you, man!!!


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Thank you, Maybell! I'm tearing up a bit. Love to you too. Sending a big hug your way.


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You're not being needy. Your being human. Spending more time on our threads is not the cost of admission, having a wounded soul is.

I would have gladly brought my guitar to the jam. wink



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Ahoy,

I felt this way last week - totally broken. I have been told by a few people that have gone through this that one day they woke up and it was like a light switch turned off. They no longer felt the pain of the sorrow/despair. I try to hang on to this thought and look forward to the day I wake up and feel as though the switch has been turned off. Presently, it feels like someone is standing on my chest. There are days I think that I just can't take it anymore. Again, I try to hang on to what others have said - that it will get better.


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Um, somehow I have a date tonight? Got a message from the guy from the Meetup, and we're doing another meetup today and he asked if I wanted to grab dinner afterward. We had both previously mentioned that we were in search of new friends at this point in our lives, so I plan to make it clear that I'm not interested in forming a romantic relationship at this time, but it would be nice to have some single friends to do things with. All my other friends here are married with families, and I'm the proverbial "third wheel." (This was going to be my Halloween costume -- I was going to wear a wheel around my neck, but in the end I thought it was too sad.)

I know my H has to be afraid to lose me, and getting a life and spending time with new people is part of that (he doesn't have to know that I'm not interested in romantic dating at this point). Frankly, it's nice to get attention, but I know better than to be flattered into a relationship when 1. contrary to how H acts, I am still married, and 2. I KNOW that I'm in NO WAY ready for real dating and a relationship. Instead, I'm looking at this as part of my GAL plans. But I will protect my heart -- from both my H and any newcomers.

At the same time, the whole situation makes me want to throw up from sadness and anxiety. I can barely eat these days, although I am really trying.

Part of me doesn't want to leave the house at all today. I'd like to stay in my PJs and read a book or watch a movie, take a bath and go to bed. But that's depression, right? Instead, I'm going to say "yes" to life and get out there and find things to enjoy. (even though I'm so sad)


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Hi Ahoy. Enjoy yourself and I hope he turns out to be a good friend Take care

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Wanting a quiet evening isn't always depression, especially if you don't frequently give yourself a quiet evening. So don't diagnose depression just because you're longing for some comfort. smile

And since you do have plans and you said yes to them, I'm going to guess you're not depressed. Looking forward to hearing about your not-date!


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Totally agree with Maybell - enjoy your evening Ahoy.


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Just got back, and it was really nice just to hang out with someone, no pressure. He is a really nice guy. Attractive and easy to talk to, but no sparks on my end, which is just as well, since I'm only looking for friendship. We are both wanting to make new friends, and both feel like the third wheel in our social circles, so it's nice to think I'll have someone to hang out with or do things with, without the pressure of a relationship. He has also been through divorce before, and was able to shed some light on what I'm going through (though we didn't dwell too long on the subject). Basically, he said that when you're going through it, you feel like you just can't survive it, and you suffer from tunnel vision. But then you do survive it, and life goes on. Even though I know this, it was good to hear from someone who has been there.

Even though I had a fun time, I missed my H. I saw married couples at the restaurant where the husband had his arm around his wife, and I am missing that intimacy and companionship. That feeling that you belong with someone, and that they know you well. But then again, how well did I really know my H, given how he took me by such surprise?

I'm glad I went out -- it was good to have something to do, and definitely part of GAL. But sometimes doing new things makes me miss the old things. Dumb, right?


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Originally Posted By: Ahoy
But sometimes doing new things makes me miss the old things. Dumb, right?


Not at all. The reason we all are here is we understand that although there were troubles in our marriages, we overwhelming felt that the positives outweighed the negatives. If we didn't, we wouldn't be here. It is human for us to reminise about our old lives when trying new things. It also makes us realize the reality of the situation that we are in now, the changes that we essentially have to self impose to DB and GAL don't come easy. That's part of our struggle, but it also is the first steps to our growth as better people out of these hardships.


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I don't know... I didn't feel the positives DID outweigh the negatives, but that they could and that our years together and our kids and our vows made it worth the effort to bring that potentiality to reality. The things I've done that were fun since then have made me wistful because they are things I would like to enjoy with my husband and it makes me sad that I'm enjoying hem now because he set me free to do so without him.

I'm glad your evening was a success, Ahoy, are you curled up with your book?


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You are right -- I think I'm wistful because I would have liked to share the experiences with my H instead of some random new guy. But that's not an option, so I should be grateful that someone is kind enough to ask me out to dinner.

Now I am about to soak in the bath and curl up with a book (like I wanted to do all along)! Thank goodness it was an early night. I'm such a weenie.


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Hi Ahoy! Sometimes the nicest way to spend an evening is in your jammies all curled up! But I'm very happy to read that you went out on a friendly date. Good for you. Making new friends is a great idea.

I also want to echo everything raliced said. Don't listen to that garbage your H is saying. Maybe it is true... but if so it is utterly ridiculous. And guess what? My H said the same thing! So it is not very unique or creative. My H said "I have to see if it works with OW, and if not I'll just date others" and then a few months later "oh, the grass is not greener". Someday your H will wake and see reality. And it will bite him on the behind.

Don't get down on yourself for being the third wheel or feeling like being cozy at home sometimes. Keep being awesome, make yourself some single buddies and take your quiet time for yourself too!

Big hugs! Lisa

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Thanks, Lisa and everyone who has responded. I had a busy day yesterday taking care of household things, and also managed to have lunch with a friend.

I'm in that part of the cycle today where I recognize that I don't know who my H is anymore, and I'm not particularly attracted to the person he's become. I do still get sad and nostalgic when I think of who he used to be, who we used to be together as a family. But who knows if that will ever be available to me again. I need to move on and let him go and see what develops.

My goal is to really let him go in my heart and focus on myself. My other goal is to try not to latch onto the fear, which is overwhelming at times. Fear of the future. Fear of the unknown. I want to feel excited about the future, not afraid -- of being alone, of needing help if my health declines, of being far from family, of losing my job, my daughter...

I have my MRI checkup tomorrow, and this will be the first time that my H is not by my side. Even knowing that I have friends and family who love me and who will help me through, I feel very alone. I miss having my partner. I always trusted him -- he looked out for me, and I looked out for him, and now I feel like he couldn't care less about me or my health, except when it might impact his life in terms of childcare.

I KNOW that people who are sad and fearful are NOT attractive. I don't want to push my family and friends away with my neediness. I need to find that strong core within myself. Where is it?

Last edited by Ahoy; 11/03/14 12:41 PM.

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You show your strong core a lot on this board so its definitely there.

I hope the MRI goes well


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Hi Ahoy. That strong core is there for all to see. You are to close to it with a pile of poo covering it. ITS THERE. So sorry you feel this bad but my thoughts are with you for the scan. Please post the good news when you get ASAP as we will all be waiting to be cheered up. Take care rd

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Hey Ahoy- Sorry I'm on vacation, and have not been able to check in very much. Never fear, that strong core is there. You are working through this as well as anyone can. Feeling lonely, sad or scared does not make you weak. It just means you're human. Will be thinking about you today, good luck with the test. Looking forward to hearing good news.


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Ahoy, thinking about you today. Let us know how it goes!



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You're recharging your strong core today, Ahoy. Let it be, you'll be up again before you know it. smile

HUGS.


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Ahoy, you seem super strong to all of us! We all have those moments where we feel scared, sad, alone. You are still super strong!

Big hugs and hope the MRI turns out fine.

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MRI went fine -- doc says no new growth of existing tumors. Still, it's always disconcerting to see how MANY there are (on the lining of my brain). Probably eight or more. I'll have to have MRIs every year for the rest of my life. I guess I can live with that (don't have a choice). Today is beautiful and I'm grateful for my health, family, and friends.

I'm coming out from the sadness that I've been under for the past couple of weeks. Now I'm back in the anger cycle. I wish I could just be indifferent!

I've been friendly and helpful toward H all these months, giving him space, not initiating anything, making any demands, and it's made no difference whatsoever. He's off with OW having fun on trips and lying to my face, to my daughter, and to all of our friends. I don't want him back. Even if he did come back, I could forgive him, but I could never respect him or trust him.
I think I deserve better in a relationship. I just do. I know I will be better off without him. I don't need his kind of chaos in my life. Would it be better for my D14 to have an intact family? Yes, of course. But I can't control that. This wasn't my choice. It's the consequence of his actions. He is a liar and a cheater, and why would anyone want to be with someone who is a liar and a cheater?

I applaud all of you who are hanging in there, hoping for the WAS to come to their senses. I think I have to stop drinking the Koolaid and look at the reality of my situation, which is this: it is over. He has told me as much, so I have to move on. It's the end. I can live with that.

I hope I'm not letting you all down. I'm rooting for you all -- that you all find the peace and strength in your hearts to take care of yourselves and do what is right in each of your situations. Big hugs to all.


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GeorgiaBelle often tells newbies that we need to understand that our Ms were over on BD day. And we all kind of nod and say, yeah, I get it, and then we go on hoping to restore our marriages.

It sounds to me like you might be in a place where you really do get that the marriage is over. And you want to be ok with that. (I think you're going to cycle through not being ok with it a few more times... But for today his is where you are.)

What I've been hearing, and what I believe, is that DBing is not for restoring the marriage. It's for getting us healthy enough so that if the WAs/MLCer asks to restore it (as they often do) that we have the skills to achieve that if we so desire. Or that we have the skills to enter into a successful new relationship if that's what we desire.

So you're not letting anyone down. We're here to support one another in a tough time. And to cheer you on in the good times too.

Almost forgot... On one of Labug's old threads, she said that if you're here waving the "save my marriage" banner then you'll be here for years, still waving that same banner and never getting anywhere. But if you're here waving the "save me" banner, then your life can be transformed into something amazing. I totally believe that.

You are an important part of this community, Ahoy. Don't feel like you have to make specific decisions in a specific way in order to contribute. Your wisdom, strength, and sense are important here, and the few times you need more support than you give, it's an honor to be able to offer that.

I'm happy your mri was positive. Sending you more good vibes!!!

Last edited by Maybell; 11/04/14 07:33 PM.

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Thank you, Maybell! I know I will likely cycle through all the emotions many more times during this process. I DO remember Georgiabelle's "save me" comment, and I agree that this is what DBing should be about. Because let's face it, we have very little control over what our spouses decide at this point.

I'm realizing that I'm not interested in playing games anymore and putting on a happy face. There have been no consequences for his actions. But losing me is a consequence, and he should feel that. And frankly I need the space away from him. He left a bunch of junk in my basement when he moved out because he was too lazy to deal with it. I've just moved it all to the garage, which I've allowed him to continue to use. But I don't want him in my house (he's asked me not to even drive down his street, so I think that's fair).

I need to start drawing some boundaries for myself. I'm not going to be a doormat anymore. Also, you are right. Our marriage was over at BD. The rest is just details. Stressful details, but details nonetheless. I'll get through it.

I have so valued your support, Maybell. Thanks for all the good vibes!


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Yes, I hope you'll stay around to share your journey, at your own pace. We're all going through this ordeal in different ways. The important part is that we survive and get stronger, better. I'm interested in all the ways in which people achieve this.


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Just playing devil's advocate, but you had a hard time with control. You still seemed to want to control the whole situation when it really wasn't. You also had expectations and when he didn't meet your expectations of how you thought he should be acting, you got more upset.

"There have been no consequences for his actions. But losing me is a consequence, and he should feel that. "

He doesn't have to feel anything. That's all still control.

You weren't a doormat. You decided to take a stand which makes you stronger than him. Just because you make a choice to honor your M doesn't make you a doormat. He is free to do as he wishes just as you are.

Good luck to you.


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Hi Ahoy. Firstly congrats on the news. Fantastic. Secondly. May ell and MrBo d put it much better than I ever could. You are a great personality on here and one of the very first to support me Today's health news was great and I am sure I'm not the only one who feels better for hearing it. Whatever you decide and whatever the outcome you have made a differance to me and my sitch. Again. GREAT NEWS ON THE HEALTH 😄😄😄😄😄😄

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Sorry the bit at the Bottom was smiley faces !!!!!

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Bond, I have brain tumors. Two years ago I had MAJOR emergency surgery to remove a mass that filled about 1/4 of my overall skull. I know I don't have control over ANYTHING, right? I'm not trying to control H. I am letting him go. That's what I'm saying here. As for consequences, I'm not being punitive, I'm just saying that this is the logical outcome of leaving your spouse. He will lose me. That's all. Please no more devil's advocate today. It has been an emotional draining day for me, hours in hospital, anxiety, no sleep. Okay? Just let me have one day to deal with my health and not give a chit what my H is doing. I need to focus on ME right now.

In other news, H just dropped by out of the blue with champagne and flowers because he knew this was my big day in the hospital. Why? Why can't I have just one day where he would leave me in peace. This isn't about him wanting reconciliation (he is going to his GF's place this weekend). This is about him wanting to be my friend and appease his guilt. This is not mind reading. This is a fact, so please no 2x4s (see previous paragraph). He wants to cake eat, and I want him to go away.


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S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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Not a 2x4 at all. You were strong enough to stand for your M. You're strong enough to beat whatever physical challenges you're facing.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Quote:
In other news, H just dropped by out of the blue with champagne and flowers because he knew this was my big day in the hospital. Why? Why can't I have just one day where he would leave me in peace. This isn't about him wanting reconciliation (he is going to his GF's place this weekend). This is about him wanting to be my friend and appease his guilt. This is not mind reading. This is a fact, so please no 2x4s (see previous paragraph). He wants to cake eat, and I want him to go away.


Have you told him this much? It's okay to do that.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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I asked for space too. I needed it for healing. It has been tremendously helpful for my reset/detaching.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Originally Posted By: Ahoy
I hope I'm not letting you all down
Ha! Hardly. You have been and continue to be EXTREMELY inspirational to me. You deserve so much more, Ahoy


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
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Jefe and Maybell, I think I will ask him for space if he persists. I really do need him to leave me alone right now. Maybell, how did your H react when you asked for space? Did he back off? I think it will help me to focus on myself if he would leave me alone.

Card, I'm glad you think I'm inspirational. It's hard for me to see how, though! I feel like I've been all over the map the past few weeks, but I'm suddenly in a new place. And this place is called I don't care what my H is doing as long as he leaves me alone.

I think I'm reaching the end of this thread, so I am going to start a new one. . .


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Screw persistence. Proactively and kindly deliver the message of your wishes. Then if he persists, that's on him and you have every right to be pissy after that. Just my 2¢


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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I'm glad you're dealing with this now. My H kept reaching out and withdrawing for about three months and because I get an A+ in wishful thinking I kept imagining that it was because he thought he wanted to explore reconciling. After some gentle encouragement here and IRL, i eventually totally lost my cool and told him very loudly and emphatically that I needed space.

In that argument he did not appear to have believed me (which I understand) and he dragged the fight out several more minutes until I told him he had to leave. Then I slammed the front door behind him.

I did apologize a few days later for losing my temper and repeated calmly that I really do need the space. Of course he tried to play it up as something he wanted too, but except for parenting stuff I have persisted in radio silence. This seems to be surprising him, he's poked a few times but I don't give encouraging responses so he hasn't crossed any lines. It's been about a month. What a month!! I could not have calmed and adapted so much without the time apart. It has been KEY.

So no, I haven't gotten any push back. I do think a lot of that has to do with my H's conflict avoidant personality. But I'm glad to have gotten this time of peace and I'm nowhere near ready to give it up.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Hi Ahoy - I'm so delighted that your MRI went well. That is very good news indeed. I'm not going to comment on your desire for your H to just go away, other than to say that I do believe that there are cycles and that we all probably have to rinse and repeat a few more times.

For what it's worth, I think you are the only one who knows what is right for you and you seem like a sound decision maker to me.

Cheers to your health!


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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said a prayer for you.
glad it was good news!!


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

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I'm so glad your MRI went well.

I don't blame you one bit if you need to verbalize your need for considerable space. I'm considering it myself. For ME.

IM hoping to feel calmer and more adapted, like Maybell, without his watchful eye around. I can find me and my strength better without his hovering.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Posts: 12,602
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Glad to hear things are going well.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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