Yeah, maybell, cards got a point. I was out with a friend tonight for my GAL...made the mistake of seeing Oiuja by the way...anyway, I ran into a casual acquaintance I hadn't seem in a year or two.
He mentioned that his wife had asked him for a divorce and he had left the house about six weeks ago. I was bummed for him and for just a moment I felt some resentment, a little at women for just throwing away their men so easily, a little at the world for making that acceptable. But I shook it off quickly.
Then, before I could bring up DB forums/DR he told me it got worse...the girl he was dating turned out to be completely crazy and he had just left her. I was like 'say whaaaa? Just dating?!? When did you meet her?!?' He told me about 3 weeks ago. So he started dating within a month of BD.
I just zipped my lips and wished him well. Everyone has to find their own path. Maybe I can talk to him again and see if he's open to a different road, but I'm not chasing him. Like card says just not many people would take this path.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
If this life is one act Why do we lay all these traps? We put them right in our path When we just wanna be free
I will not waste my days Making up all kinds of ways To worry about all the things That will not happen to me
So I just let go of what I know I don't know And I know I'll only do this by Living in the moment Living our life Easy and breezy With peace in my mind With peace in my heart Peace in my soul Wherever I'm going, I'm already home Living in the moment
I'm letting myself off the hook for things I've done I let my past go past And now I'm having more fun I'm letting go of the thoughts That do not make me strong And I believe this way can be the same for everyone
And if I fall asleep I know you'll be the one who'll always remind me To live in the moment To live my life Easy and breezy With peace in my mind With peace in my heart Got peace in my soul Wherever I'm going, I'm already home
I can't walk through life facing backwards I have tried I tried more than once to just make sure And I was denied the future I'd been searching for But I spun around and hurt no more By living in the moment Living my life Easy and breezy With peace in my mind With peace in my heart Got peace in my soul Wherever I'm going, I'm already home
I'm living in the moment I'm living my life Just taking it easy With peace in my mind Got peace in my heart Got peace in my soul Oh, wherever I'm going, I'm already home
I'm living in the moment I'm living my life Oh, easy and breezy With peace in my mind Peace in my heart Peace in my soul Wherever I'm going, I'm already home I'm living in the moment
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell you listened to ziggy Marley true to yourself . Good song . Helps me
Me 40 W 37 Together 22 years S18 D12 WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life After the 2 weeks she has left .
Maybell, I am impressed with how you are feeling whole within yourself. I have glimpses of that, and it is a terrific feeling. I know you will come through this just fine.
Thank you for reminding me (through the song lyrics) to be in the moment more. So much of my time these days is focused on worrying about the upcoming D and about my living situation, job situation, daughter's future, etc. It's too much to take on at once.
Keep up the good work!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
About being friends, you're attempting to cross a river you haven't yet reached, predicting the future. We can all be friendly without being friends, we do it every day. Is it easy? No Is it important for US(LBS) to do? Yes
I said the same things regarding being friends early on and even to H when he said he hooped we could be friends. My exact quote, "I have enough friends." (every time I repeat this it sounds so haughty and dramatic, picture Greta Garbo)
But then I realized that I needed to be friends with him, we had some tough things to tackle as parents and our working together would make things much easier. So I held out an olive branch and said, "I need your help. Our son needs us together in mind right now.
So be friendly and forget the "being friends" part. Let go.
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Because (and I realize there may be a 2x4 coming, I'll hear it if there is) the only reason to pass that request on is for me to grant it.
Not a 2X but maybe a different perspective. From what you've written, your H has never been a real hands on parent, I don't mean he's not a good father but rather he's never had the full caretaker responsibility. The 2 of you made an agreement, either explicitly or implicitly, in regards to who the primary caretaker of the children would be. And now he's been cast into that role, albeit on a very part-time basis but maybe he's struggling to keep his head above water. Maybe the text was a call for validation of decisions he's making that he hasn't had to make before. Remember the steep learning curve of early motherhood?
We all make choices and those choices have both intended and unintended consequences. It's analogous to the LBHs who have a walkawaySAHW/M. Many times their answer to that problem is cut off the money and force her to get a job. What kind of job is a SAHM gonna get that will replace what the financial agreement of the marriage was? So we can't expect a SAHParent to walk into a fabulous job, nor can we expect the >FT, OOT a lot, busy executive to overnight become as skilled at parenting as someone with years of experience.
Quote:
I did many things wrong in our marriage. Many. But many of them were responsive to how lonely and abandoned I felt so much of the time...I feel super shaky when I don't see him or hear from him, and more anxious to reunite when I spend more time with him.
I hope what you said later about feeling like a whole person is true. This quote above is all you, no matter who else is in your life, you're the only one who can fix that.
How's finding a new C for you and D going?
You are trending up and that's all good.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I don't know where that whole friends discussion came from. I didn't see anything I posted on my thread that prompted it, or if I did it wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'm not really in a place where friendship is something I'm considering. The space has been helpful and I still have a lot of practice to do on my changes before I can trust to keep them going in his presence. I hope that can be possible for the future.
We did manage to smile at one another as he was leaving with the kids yesterday, so that's something. It's enough for now.
We had been parenting together more cooperatively and that was good. Then H made a decision without telling me that went against everything I thought we'd agreed to, but he did it in the interest of trying to preserve peace among the children. Thank you for reminding me about the steep learning curve. I'll remember to keep that in the back of mind when things happen from here.
Yes, I am feeling like a whole person. I've done things that challenge me and that I'm excited about and I feel like life has more possibilities.
WRT to the counselor... I went to the community college to investigate ways I can increase some of my job skills to facilitate my search. They have a program there for displaced homemakers so I met with the woman coordinating that as well. She gave me a list of resources, including counselors, that are recommended by the person kept on staff to help people working through situations like mine. So I'll start figuring that out this week. I'm also going to get in touch with our outstanding school guidance counselor to hear some of her suggestions for getting D11 and S8 both some support. She knows them well and probably has out-of-the-box ideas for helping them open up.
D11 acted up the other day pretty badly, so I took her iPad away and told her that if she wanted it back she was going to have to watch a Brene Brown video. I thought of you when I came up with that.
When I said I feel shaky when I'm away from him, what I meant was that I feel shaky about my desire to reconcile the marriage. When I see him I want it fiercely. I would like the opportunity to get a "do over" -- and have the relationship with him that we should have had all along. It's certainly not going to be possible as things are (especially if he's dating someone else, or exploring that possibility).
But I've been enjoying my life in the last few weeks especially.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think it came from something Lisa said on her page and then we crossed paths. Some of it was really useful anyway so I'm glad it's there for me to go back to.
Missed you, hope you had a great time wherever you were!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
D11 says H is going to buy her something I thought we'd agreed she could buy herself.
If this is true... He and I must have very different ideas on how to raise our children. This needs to be resolved and I would really like to know he will abide by whatever we agree to.
Is this reasonable? Or will parenting be that much more difficult for the foreseeable future?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
