My W has gone out for a night out with her poisonous friend. She was saying polite goodbyes but I really didn't want to say have a good time. She said see you tomorrow and I just said OK. Im pretty sure it would have seemed sulky which isn't what I was aiming for the complete opposite in fact.
So the stupid question - should I have said have a good time or am I better to be distant.
I'm quadruple guessing myself - which definitely is confident.
Last edited by jim0987; 10/31/1406:20 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
My W has gone out for a night out with her poisonous friend. She was saying polite goodbyes but I really didn't want to say have a good time. She said see you tomorrow and I just said OK. Im pretty sure it would have seemed sulky which isn't what I was aiming for the complete opposite in fact.
So the stupid question - should I have said have a good time or am I better to be distant.
I'm quadruple guessing myself - which definitely is confident.
I assume the "..poisonous friend.." is the married woman who is having the affair you posted about earlier.
I would have said more than, "OK." Saying more could be polite or it could allow you to take a leadership/mentor role (which is not the role of a Nice Guy).
There are all kinds of things you could have said, as long as you didn't elaborate too much or get pulled into an argument. If you feel you would have gotten pulled into an arguement, then OK was probably about the best you could do.
Some possible other thing you could have said:
Be responsible, remember you and she are married women
Have a good time, but remember a life lived well is life lived responsibly
I hope you enjoy getting a little space with your friend, just remember you both have families
After having read the above, I am not sure if they came out passive agressive or not. I wasn't trying for that. What I was trying for was something that established you as the moral leader of your family providing her with advice.
Good luck to you. Really focus on your GAL and improving yourself.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Yes the poisonous friend is the one having an affair with a married man. She has a view that 'all husbands are terrible and there is one person who fate meant you to be with and when you find them you just know'
I probably should have just gone with 'have a good time with Lxxx'.
Still too late now - just more ammunition to her opinion that I'm sulky, which is something I'm trying to change.
Basically the entirety of my conversation about anything other than the kids was either. OK, thankyou or no problem.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
My W has gone out for a night out with her poisonous friend. She was saying polite goodbyes but I really didn't want to say have a good time. She said see you tomorrow and I just said OK. Im pretty sure it would have seemed sulky which isn't what I was aiming for the complete opposite in fact.
So the stupid question - should I have said have a good time or am I better to be distant.
I'm quadruple guessing myself - which definitely is confident.
I assume the "..poisonous friend.." is the married woman who is having the affair you posted about earlier.
I would have said more than, "OK." Saying more could be polite or it could allow you to take a leadership/mentor role (which is not the role of a Nice Guy).
There are all kinds of things you could have said, as long as you didn't elaborate too much or get pulled into an argument. If you feel you would have gotten pulled into an arguement, then OK was probably about the best you could do.
Some possible other thing you could have said:
Be responsible, remember you and she are married women
Have a good time, but remember a life lived well is life lived responsibly
I hope you enjoy getting a little space with your friend, just remember you both have families
After having read the above, I am not sure if they came out passive agressive or not. I wasn't trying for that. What I was trying for was something that established you as the moral leader of your family providing her with advice.
Good luck to you. Really focus on your GAL and improving yourself.
I struggle with this constantly myself. My WAW goes out almost every weekend with her single friend. I tell myself to. Just say bye and nothing else, but then my anxiety or emotion stirs and i say things like, have fun, be safe, be careful, and ill miss, and i love you. The latter being rare.
ME: 29 / W: 29 M: 10 (11 in March 2015) BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14 S:12 / S: 7 "We need to separate" : 08/31/14 Wants to see others: 10/11/14 Separation looming
I'm worried about coming across as threatening because she says she is afraid of me and my backlash.
I don't think I was threatening and I don't think any reasonable person would take what I said as backlash.
Some wayward W's say stuff like that, as though they fear the H will brutally unleash something terrible on them. It is a bullying technique. From what you have described about the M history, she has no reason to think such things. You said she and friend were like another Thelma & Louise, so what one doesn't dream up, the other one will. Anything to use to their own advantage. You cannot afford to let it paralyze you b/c that is exactly what she wants!
Quote:
I probably should have just gone with 'have a good time with Lxxx'.
I don't agree. She left you home keeping the kids, right? Were they in bed when she left? If not, then I would have been giving them a blast, making them squeal with so much fun. All of you would hardly take time to notice she was going out. When she said good-bye, just throw your hand up and say, "Ok, later." Then immediately return to playing with the kids.
If the kids were already in bed asleep, then you could make it your business to be on the phone as she started leaving. Again, just throw up your hand and act "who cares!" and as though you have something more interesting going on.
The point is not to give her going out importance. You don't care, and you aren't going to be the wimp who always wishes her a good time......b/c you don't approve of what she's doing! By all means, be involved in something fun or interesting when she leaves. Don't be doing housework or anything like of that sort. You are not the maid & babysitter she leaves behind.
This all may sound nuts to you, but it is the way of her mindset and attitude that will not respond like you would normally think. She has lost her moral compass and kicked her values aside. She won't appreciate the dutiful dad who stays behind and washing the dishes while she goes to play. B/c she is no longer the devoted wife & mother and she's different now. She'll come closer to thinking she's playing you for a fool if she sees you acting all sad or lonely or doing the chores when she leaves. But she can't feel that way if you are enjoying yourself and hardly notice she's leaving. See the difference?
So, have you made plans to go out tomorrow night and leave her keeping the kids? Don't ask her if she has plans. In the morning, you can tell her you are going out in the evening. She will ask where, what, when and who with. Don't give her answers. Just tell her she has your number if anything comes up with the kids. Then look blazing hot when you go out! Hey, you may go to the library to read, but that's nobody's business but your own. You may drive around or go looking around the mall. But you will be going "out". Come Sunday morning, you're whistling and in a good mood, b/c you do not give her the power to determine that for you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She goes out for the night and my fear is she is sleeping with OM (she has said she just wants something meaningless and was what she was like in her early 20s). She may well just be going for a night as I have many times since BD.
I believe that in her mind we are no longer married so this doesn't matter. I know I can do nothing to control this and that I need to get to a place where im not trying to. an open marriage is a massive no for me so this hurts but its not like I can threaten to leave as she already left - its then a painful reminder of where I am.
So as she goes to leave she is friendly and says goodbye see you tomorrow.
My NG wants to say 'have fun' My esteem wants to say nothing as I don't want to give the idea that I'm OK with this I want to state an irrelevant boundary A confident person would assume that she us just going out and say 'have fun, see you tomorrow' But I don't want to come across as a NG so I want to say nothing. In the end all I manage to say is 'ok' managing to look impolite sulky and insecure all at once.
Think I can chalk that as a fail
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
What you say makes sense. Though I then had to text her to ask what happened to D3s toothbrush (no response)
I was trying to calm the kids down as it was only about 10 minutes before bedtime. So I was watching them but didn't want to get them excited. I could have been much more nochalent though.
We take it in turns for whole weekends so I'm in tonight and tomorrow. Having said that while she is out tomorrow I'm making Christmas cake with the kids (important family tradition) and then taking them to the fireworks in the evening - I haven't been allowed to do this in previous years because my wife was too anxious about the safety.
Every weekend I don't have the kids I have plans. London next weekend, Paris two weeks after that. She will definitely notice when I take my tux and my passport to go away for what would have been our anniversary.
Last edited by jim0987; 10/31/1408:08 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
