Hey bill...I don't work for them but all I can say is you can't NOT afford it. Even if you just got three sessions to get through this super volitale situation with life changing consequences. Forget about reconsciliation and focus on just trying to avoid a adversarial court battle, loss of children, and huge payouts in cs and alimony, and a lifelong enemy that poisons the kids against you. Sorry to be so dramatic, but this is a realistic worst case scenario. And while you can't guarantee this doesn't happen, it's critical you do what you can to deescalated the situation. I think this should be done today. If you have to sell some possessions, borrow some money, or whatever, do it. Now's not the time to shoot from the hip and cross your fingers.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
-you realize you messed up (not lookin for forgiveness or another chance, just acknowledging you have had a chance to see this, not looking for anything in return such as goodwill back) -that you wish her the best and she deserves to be happy -that since you will be coparenting through the children's lives together you are committed to doing better in a coparenting role and want to prevent further drama. -that while you know that wont change how she feels, it is what she and the children deserve.
Can anyone give me a thought as to whether this is a good idea or not? I'd be happy to post it after writing it for clearer confirmation. Also I plan to get at least one Coach session, but not able until next week at the minimum.
Any advice/help I can get would be awesome, I just do not want to make mistakes, and want to do this right. Thank you.
Write the letter and get deep down into your feelings. Then DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT send it or share it with your wife, the only thing that would do is try to manipulate her. Right now your words do not mean sh!t and will not mean sh!t for a long long time. This is an endurance race, not a sprint.
The best way you can show her you want her to be happy is to leave her alone. She is a WAW because not being around you feels better than being with you.
I understand wanting to write a letter, I felt the same way last week when I was asked to leave again. I wrote the letter and sat on it and with good advice I did not send it. I felt better and I often write letters as a form of therapy to get the venom out of me.
Read the letter to the LBS posted above. If you want to know what your wife is feeling this is as close as you will ever get. Does she say anywhere in there that she just wanted to hear "I'm sorry"? The letter and the words are for you. They should help you get those feelings off your chest and allow you to move forward with actions. Pretend your wife is deaf, how would you show her that you are the kind of person only a fool would leave. Show yourself that you are worthy of being loved and believe in yourself and change for yourself. Anything else will be sniffed out as phony and only be temporary. Our spouses are not dumb, their BS meters are highly acute.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
This is by far the most inclusive and clear guidance I have read on this board. Your grasp of DBing is like you wrote the book. Your ability to dissect people and their intentions and buried feelings is amazing.
I have learned more about myself from your responses on this thread than I have in a while. Thank you for taking your personal time and helping guide the heart broken masses that collect here.
This thread and your responses should be required reading for anyone on this board.
Now to work on my co dependency issues and not relying on my wife to be more than my W. I think she felt pressured to be my everything because I let my relationships with my friends slip away and only had my work or my marriage, nothing else. I thought I was doing the best for my marriage and W and kids, but now have an insight into how it negatively affected our M.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
gogofo Thank you. That meant so much, and made more sense they way you suggested how deaf she was. That context was perfect.
That still begs the question. How long do I wait for her to contact me about the kids. I spoke to a pastor and he said the kids are young, as long as it's not "months" they will be okay. I believe I should wait for her period.
I have not seen them in a month and I miss them like crazy. I can wait, but I wasn't sure if I "should". for instance if i do call her - she will expect that she will likely predict my behavior to call her as soon as I get home from the court. I want to defy that prediction, but don't want her to think that I 'must not" love my kids if i am not diligently trying to see them. Then I remember, what she thinks and believes right now is all illogical anyway, so I feel I should ultimately wait for her to make the "first contact".
