Is it too late?

[Zimmy]

Ditto for me here! I was a loving, attractive and supportive partner, who would have bent over backwards to make him happy! And if there are needs not being met, then they need to communicate it in any case, which never happened once in my sitch!

Sometimes affairs happen because the wayward person has some severe character flaws, insecurities or issues that have nothing or very little to do with the relationship.

[123Gwen]

Thanks kmi. I have to admit I was feeling kind of defensive over MrBond's posts. I want to learn and grow. I understand that this involves humility and the willingness to improve myself. I am reading and praying and trying to GAL.

MLC may not be extreme for everyone but my H literally changed almost overnight. This is a really tough time as the girls and I are just beginning to process this situation. Reading a post that my H wanted to explore a R so he could grow is very hurtful right now. Obviously H chose the A but I am not convinced he is in a rational frame of mind to understand how that choice would affect his life.

H left everyone, not just the M.

[MrBond]

Let me rephrase..."He felt that he wanted someone else because HE FELT you didn't fulfill his needs in some way or feels he needs to explore a new R in order to grow."

"MLC may not be extreme for everyone but my H literally changed almost overnight."

That's an oversimplification and mindreading on your part. If we were to ask your H, he would probably say that he was thinking about it for awhile. You really don't know. Only he does. He could have been unhappy and not told you.

"Obviously H chose the A but I am not convinced he is in a rational frame of mind to understand how that choice would affect his life."

He's a grown man and you're not his mom. Regardless of what YOU think is best, HE has made the choice to live this way. Concentrate strictly on your actions and try not to think about why he's doing this or that. You'll drive yourself crazy guessing.

[123Gwen]

You are picking apart all my responses that I posted because you asked me why I thought it was MLC. You asked MrBond I answered.

[cat04]

Gwen,

I have read through your threads and I have some questions and thoughts...

You seem confused as to what GAL means...which is why Mr. Bond asked you about it...

GAL is exactly what it stands for...get a life. It means get involved in things that make you happy. Things that have nothing to do with marriage. Classes, church, skydiving, birdwatching, etc...

It most definately does not mean dating, although some people do take it that way, and the reality is if you are trying to save your M, dating, is NOT the best option. Even if attention from someone of the opposite (or same) sex makes you feel better.

GAL will not save your M by any means, that isn't what it is meant to do. It is meant to get you involved in your own life and your own interests, and to help make you (you being the LBS) a happier person.

I am a bit confused, because you said you want to remain married however you are pushing hard for a separation.

While I understand protecting yourself, from what you wrote, it seems to me that it is more of a manipulation tactic to keep him from filing for a divorce.

That isn't a tug of war that you want to get into with a MLCer.

As far as OW...if this IS MLC...she didn't sneak into your home and bamboozle your H into an affair.

She wasn't the snake dangling the apple infront of Adam.

If it hadn't been her it would have been someone else.

MLCer's are simply ripe for A. They just are. Just as they are ripe to try to change just about every aspect of their lives in order to feel better.

Trust me, just because your H appeared happy months prior to BD, it was a front. They don't just flip over night.

So do you love your H? Do you want to remain married for any other reason than you married him?

What are you doing to GAL, because there is no reason for you to wait for a formal separation before you decide to take up a hobby or plant a garden or jump out of a plane...

The only person keeping you from doing that is you...

That is enough for now, I don't want to cause any defensiveness and I do have the ability to do that...

Just know one other thing...the people here, while we don't always agree or even like each other, are all here to try to help. The first step in that is to try to understand. Sometimes that means real nitpicky clarification of the meaning of a typed sentence...

[MrBond]

Yes and I was responding to them. Did you actually read and try to understand what I had written rather than getting defensive? Just curious, but is this the way you interacted with your H? Not stirring the pot, just curious.

[LoisB]

To me, filing for separation makes a lot of sense...if in your state this will protect you financially. I regret I didn't take action sooner--especially if this man has moved 2000 miles away.

Gwen,

Accept wherever you are today. This moment is what matters. I think it too soon to dissect your marriage and figure out exactly what went wrong.

You are still in the shock/shattering stage where your previous life is in pieces and you're sorta looking around at the wreckage. I remember feeling like my H had taken our lives together and violently shook it up and dumped it the broken bits at my feet.

The bottom line: the marriage you knew is over. That doesn't mean there is no hope...it just means that it's time to reinvent yourself, as you have been.

Trust your instincts. You aren't crazy and you haven't imagined the situation.

Be really kind to yourself right now and give yourself credit for the changes you have made. It takes a lot of courage to pick up the pieces and move forward after losing someone you love.

I believe that the end of a marriage, in this way, is a bit like experiencing a suicide of a loved one. For my two girls and I, we lost someone we loved and, in our case, he never really looked backwards.

None of us was a perfect spouse, just human beans. Don't bludgeon yourself with the Woulda Coulda Shoulda's.

[mleigh4]

Hi Gwen. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I remember for about the first 6 months I felt like I was caught up in a tornado and was so scared to stop and look at the mess around me. Of course you are in so much pain. Try for now to focus on taking care of you for your D's. Be kind to yourself and patient with the up's and down's you will feel. Take it one breath at a time, one day at a time. If there is one thing this experience has taught me, it's that we are stronger than we think.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

[123Gwen]

Thank you everyone. I don't want to manipulate H and I understand how it may look like manipulation.

The fact is a separation agreement is my ONLY option to establish jurisdiction if H files for D from 2000 miles away. It is the only way I know how to protect what little remains and it helps my girls with college aid. Our household income took a huge beating but we can't declare that change in status without a formal separation.

A formal agreement is ONLY about boundaries and protection. I wish I didn't have to get one but I see no other choice. The reason it is so difficult is because I understand how MrBond thinks I am manipulating things but yet I don't have the luxury to sit off on the sidelines. I thought DBusting was about boundaries and this sitch is very unhealthy all around.

Mleigh and LoisB thanks for the gentle touch. I have never posted extensively in a forum and so my choice of words is not as precise and things get lost in translation. I want to learn but The wound is very raw. I appreciate the gentle touch.

Cat04 thanks for chiming in. I agree H was ripe for an A and OW did not bamboozle him exactly. I am not excusing H at all but just as their are "many shades of gray" this sitch involved a woman who manipulated all of us. It is more salt in the wound but it is not the real issue.

Folks I am hurting and I am venting. OW actually has a history of replacing men and I have evidence of it in her words. Yes in her very own words and not via a third party. I was naive and trusting and never acted like H's warden or mother. I did the right things for the most part but obviously he was stressed and our M was vulnerable. I told you I believe my H was fairly content but MLC arrived and all bets were off.

In this moment The man I love is not trustworthy and is two time zones away. He does not talk to his children. If it were just the marriage then he would contact they girls. He does not need to go through me.

I only asked about dating because some other poster told me GAL was dating. I do not want to date! I do not want a D! I love my H deeply and I love him enough to let him go. i just don't have the luxury or the income to sit on the sidelines without a separation agreement.

I mean isn't DB about preparation for the worst while being patient and hoping for the best? Isn't the LBS supposed to clearly state their needs without playing games?

[Ggrass]

"you didn't fulfill his needs or feels he needs to explore a new R in order to grow.

I gotta disagree with this interpetation. Lots of times it's about the WAS being depressed and looking to self-medicate their depression with the "drug" of infatuation with someone new, EVEN WHEN they had a perfectly good, loving spouse at home.

No relationship is perfect, but I've seen lots of pretty darned good relationships fall apart due to MLC. MLC is about a fear of aging, a fear of death and dying, and a fear of "missing out" on something. It's important that the LBS take a good look at themselves and fix what they can, but honestly, it riles me up when people say the WAS wouldn't have cheated if they'd been happy at home. My ex and I had an excellent intellectual and sexual relationship, I was loving and kind, we had a great family, and we were the couple most people thought were rock solid. But he had issues around fidelity that were HIS issues, compounded by a mood disorder, compounded by MLC and my inability to morph into a 30 year old Asian chick. I could have twisted myself into a pretzel and he still would have left. I have peace in my heart that I gave everything I could to my marriage.

No, I guess you can't fix or turn into at 30something Asian chick! But why not? Lol I'm sure most mlc would expect it!