Going dark. No contact. I made him get his own cell phone so I can't see who he is calling. I am working out and seeing friends. i am going to a counselor.
I am pursuing a formal separation because I need the protection. I am starting to look for meaningful work. I am very nervous about the job hunt but baby steps.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I am still examining myself and seeing a counselor so I can't answer that in any meaningful way yet.
I lost 20 pounds. I am exercising. I set my husband free to go on his journey and I have only initiated contact twice. I am learning how to do things that I have never done before. It may be necessary but I am learning new things and I am taking care of things.
My husband is not the man I married at the moment. I am not saying this because I have been abandoned or betrayed. The man I have loved and truly liked in every way disappeared overnight. He did this to everyone including his children. We were best friends and I am grieving not because our marriage is in trouble but because he has ceased to exist for anyone he ever loved and cared about.
My friend is gone. I am working on trying to protect what remains for my best friend. I want to thank you MrBond because your remark about being a "better woman" really help me finally see that this is not about me. MLC is different and the LBS needs to be "better" in their own way for themselves. I am doing that but Michelle's advice was LRT and so the idea of making changes quickly does not really apply here.
20 pounds lost is a big deal. Going dark when I want to reach out is a big deal. Not having expectations is huge. Being sympathetic but carrying on is what the books say to do. MLC is not about me correct???
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I was not aware of MLC until I started reading and researching after H moved out. He exhibited so many warning signs. I wish I would have known:
-Told me "I am in a dark place and need my space" "It's not you, it is me" "I need a hiatus" "I have to find out what makes me happy" -A general detachment and avoidance of any conflict or interaction with me or the children or friends. -Personality change practically overnight. It was if he was a different person and it was alarming. -Obsession with gym and working out. -Unhappy with job and wanting to make BIG changes but never understanding or articulating what that meant.
Life events that can be a catalyst for MLC -turning 50 -oldest starting college -witnessed the deaths of 2 people (my mother in our home from cancer and then a stranger having a heart attack) -was in a car accident that totaled his car
H and our M were very vulnerable due to lots of midlife events. We were not perfect but it was a very loving relationship and we have never mistrusted the other. This twice divorced OW with major issues preyed on that vulnerability. He made the choice but she was portraying herself as a friend and even came to our home to go running with him. My daughters met her and we all trusted that the relationship was platonic.
My H attended church with us each week and for our entire adult lives I would have told you his ethics and honesty were beyond reproach.
At the end of everything though I believe it is MLC because this man would not have abandoned his children after 19 years even if he decided to leave the marriage. He does not need to go through me to contact them. Also I have loads of happy pictures up until about 3 months before he left.
One other thing - A little over 2 years ago H planned a huge surprise birthday party for me. He is not a big party person but he came up with the idea. He did not tell the children because he wanted it to stay a surprise. This was all on his own. It was a kind and generous act of love. If you are unhappy you take S to dinner but you don't give a party if you are an introvert.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
No. You're wrong. An affair partner is never a symptom of Mlc. It is the RESULT of MLC. He felt that he wanted someone else because you didn't fulfill his needs in some way or feels he needs to explore a new R in order to grow.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
No. You're wrong. An affair partner is never a symptom of Mlc. It is the RESULT of MLC. He felt that he wanted someone else because you didn't fulfill his needs in some way or feels he needs to explore a new R in order to grow.
I think we are both correct to some extent. The A may have resulted from MLC but it also could be a symptom of MLC. You say tomato...
MLC is full of contradictions because MLC is not about the S yet you posted, "you didn't fulfill his needs or feels he needs to explore a new R in order to grow."
Not sure what your post is meant to accomplish.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
"you didn't fulfill his needs or feels he needs to explore a new R in order to grow.
I gotta disagree with this interpetation. Lots of times it's about the WAS being depressed and looking to self-medicate their depression with the "drug" of infatuation with someone new, EVEN WHEN they had a perfectly good, loving spouse at home.
No relationship is perfect, but I've seen lots of pretty darned good relationships fall apart due to MLC. MLC is about a fear of aging, a fear of death and dying, and a fear of "missing out" on something. It's important that the LBS take a good look at themselves and fix what they can, but honestly, it riles me up when people say the WAS wouldn't have cheated if they'd been happy at home. My ex and I had an excellent intellectual and sexual relationship, I was loving and kind, we had a great family, and we were the couple most people thought were rock solid. But he had issues around fidelity that were HIS issues, compounded by a mood disorder, compounded by MLC and my inability to morph into a 30 year old Asian chick. I could have twisted myself into a pretzel and he still would have left. I have peace in my heart that I gave everything I could to my marriage.
