Wife walked away (4 months ago now) thread 3

[BigMac]

You guys are right, this may be a multi-year process.

At the end of the day, she is sick. She is addicted to spending, and has created a crap storm in her life. I have been so supportive and done the "right' things and all she has done is fuel her selfishness.

Today was a major milestone. She withdrew her petition in the state we used to live in, however my divorce petition still stands, and will stand.

A little background, she threatened to kidnapp the kids off to the old state if I didn't start mediation in 48 hours (in the old state, not our current state).

With the divorce petition in this state and county there are significant protections about her losing her mind, and doing things that will hurt the kids.

Again, at the end fo the day. She is sick. I have spent the past 6 months working on me, being a great dad and attempting to be a good friend to her. She has just spent it focused on the OM and the Mall.

I have spent this time planning, learning, growing. I have given my children a stable and loving home. And at all times have conducted myself in a way that I would be proud of if I looked back 20 years from now.

I am still moving forward with the divorce. She needs the ultimate LRT. And maybe after this she will hit rock bottom and finally address the issues that have persisted throughout our entire marriage. Maybe she gets well and we can go on a date or two again. Or maybe she doesn't. Either way I have to be the best me I can be, treat her fairly, but most importantly provide a safe and stable environment for the kids.

I am me, I am strong. This is not the end of things, it's the beginning.

[wmwb123]

Much respect, BigMac.

[BigMac]

Thx wmwb123

At the end of the day we all have our limits right? I found mine. Right when she threatened to take my son out of state in a move to extort me to proceed with a divorce in a state that has alimony laws that are in her favor.

I will love her till the day I die, and still to this day when I look at her I see the most beautiful woman ever.... and I'm saying goodbye.

[jim0987]

Everyone has a line and when its crossed its crossed.

You need to respect yourself first and that means respecting your lines.

[BigMac]

Got a couple contacts from the WAW this evening. The first was a series of text's asking when she has to watch S9, and then a second one saying that she misses him.

I was driving, and frankly didn't feel the need to respond to her when I was out with S9. She called me when were pulling off to get ice cream, and we talked.

She knows she screwed up. I called her out on her threats to kidnap S9 out of state, and then had him repeat out loud what he is supposed to do if she takes him on a plane.

She won't admit she screwed up, but she sounds very down. Honestly, I don't care. She f'd up royally. My only care is that she stops hurting the kids.

Maybe she will pull her head out of her [Self Censored] but I fear it is too late.

It is funny, this is the thing that Sandi2 always talks about. Make her put on her big girl panties and she will figure out that life was pretty good. I finally did. It looks like she spent a weekend alone, with out any friends to take her out (no clue on the OM situation, maybe he got smart, who knows). She was posting on twitter that she finally had a weekend alone (D16 went camping with friends) and nobody wants to party.

She is alone. Her dream of this town is shattering. It's going to be hard to watch. But there is nothing I can do to help her. She has to hit rock bottom and find her own way out.

[Zues126]

Hey big. Funny. I'm about to do something similar in my sitch. Separate finances and start providing an equivalent of what the courts would order. Yeah, over 4 months in and I have been staying in a friends room and continuing to deposit 100% of my income into our joint account. Her reaction? Anger that she's having to live as a housewife still and is dependent on me, and stressed because its never enough money for all the things that the house needs. She told me she was going back to work and filing D, but neither has happened. So I will be serving a separation and seperating finances. I think I'll give her another months full income so she has time to figure out what she will do next, but it will be on her then.

She may get a reality check if she thinks she'll be partying during the time I'm with the children. She may be full time mom and working on top of it on my days with the kids. Once she realizes that will be her new life it may not be as attractive as how she pictured.

Then again, she may be just fine and that's ok too. I hope she ends up ok whatever that looks like. I'm kind of done trying to figure out what short term outcomes are most likely to lead towards reconscilliation and then rooting for them. Can't control it so ill stay in my sandbox. Point is I'm not going to protect her from reality out of fear of conflict either.

Keep posting and DBing!

[BigMac]

Zues126,

The reality check is interesting. When the WAW is in the fog they obviously are not thinking straight.

The reality is that life being a single parent is very hard. Our WAW's get stuck in this fantasy of the romance, and excitement of the OM. They get so used to having a husband provide for them, that they don't comprehend that life apart is much harder (for both parties and the children).

I feel like they get stuck in this selfish place. At least that is where my WAW is.

I scheduled a FaceTime call with her yesterday to go over care schedules for S9. At first she lied and said she had a meeting, which I replied to her saying that she committed to going over care items.

She dials me back via FaceTime, and looks to be a hot mess. No makeup, puffy everything, greasy hair. It looks like she hasn't showered for a couple days. It is mid day, and she isn't at work (she was at her house on the couch).

She was being as difficult as she could possibly be. I had shifted my weeks around to accommodate her love bird trip with the OM. All I wanted to do was nail down who was watching S9 on what weeks, and how we were going to handle dealing with some doctors appointments and stuff.

She was doing anything she could to just be a pain, including saying that she could just cancel her vacation. (I don't want to read into this one, but I have an inkling that there is trouble in paradise with the OM - She posted on social media that nobody wanted to party with her this weekend, and when I dropped S9 off at school Monday the OM's car was not at her house).

She is visibly agitated when I talk to her, and keeps saying I am controlling her (I am just affirming by boundaries, not being used, and putting the needs of S9 first). Talking to my therapists, this is some of the behavior that addicts display as they become accountable for their own actions.

For her, rent, power etc is due in 4 days. She has to respond to a divorce petition in roughly 3 weeks. Her friends have all been used up and are leaving her as they see who she has turned into (lying and using people).

And after a spring and summer living as a single woman, running up credit cards, going on flings with her OM she has spent the past couple weeks as a soon to be divorced adult, swapping kid schedules and living with D16 in the house (who can be quite the pain). She had her first weekend without D16 and S9, which I'm pretty sure she spent most of it alone.

Reality just might be setting in for her. Sadly it might be to late.

At the end of the call, all I could say is "You are just another person to me, I just just want to ensure that S9 is happy and healthy and that we are the best parents to him we can possibly be"

[Zues126]

Hey big. You don't have to say its too late until the paths between what you'd do if you were still hoping to work things out and what you'd do if you weren't fork.

How long until after the D is final do you plan to wait before you start dating?
Are you still working on changes for you?
Basically, what do you want the next year of your life to look like now that you're dealing with things you can control. YOU!

I know it is appealing to be done and I think it's ok to feel that way for closure, just curious if you intend to keep DBing and all of that.

[BigMac]

Zues126

Filing for divorce myself was an epic dropping of the rope. I had no choice, she forced my hand by threatening to take the kids out of state. (Our old state had favorable alimony laws for her, this one does not).

So, if I dropped the D she would just move back to the old state with my S9 and I would be up a creek in many senses of the word.

It's all a mute point anyways. She's still in a heavy fog, still hasn't seen any of the changes I've made in my life. (I've grown so much over this year).

She still is sooo angry with me. There is this resentment towards me. She still blames me for everything that goes wrong in her life. Even now, when I try to segregate my life from hers as much as possible.

If that changes what will happen? Who knows. I still love her with all my heart. I still have to divorce her to put some legal protections between us. And that right there is the crappiest part of this mess.

Regarding Dating -
They say that you need to wait 1 year for ever 4-5 years of marriage before getting into a relationship. That puts me at 2.5 years of just working on me.

I figure that is pretty healthy, especially since the relationship that matters is the one with S9. Everything else is secondary.

I do go out, I've been making new friends in the new town I live in. Luckily I'm a pretty social guy, and have really worked on my self confidence over the past 6 months. It's fun, and honestly ... I have to beat the girls away. They find out that I'm on the market, AND that I'm not interested in them. It's like catnip.

BTW, one exercise a friend who was divorced 2 years ago had me do was really helpful for me early on. It helps to get your confidence back.

What you do is go into a bar, knowing that no woman in the bar has any chance with you. You walk right up to someone, say hi. Chat it up a bit and then before the conversation is over you find an excuse to walk away. Repeat that roughly 100 times and if you have had any anxiety about approaching people in a social situation it will be long gone.

Regarding DB'ng. The changes are for me. Who knows if she will heal herself. Who knows what the future holds. I could see myself dating her in a year or so if she really decided to fix things. Though, at this point that is not in my control.

[Zues126]

So proud of you Big Mac. What are your personal goals for the next 6-12 months? Obviously being a great dad is #1 and I agree. What's in the cards for you personally?

Great job GAL. Do you feel you have developed out of your issues in the M, or are they now just dormant since you're on your own?