The Awakening of ME

[mleigh4]

Time for a new thread!

[job]

So, tell us about our awakening. Did you speak to your h yet?

[mleigh4]

I am 1 year and 2 months in since BD. I have come a long way, but still have a long way to go.

Since our talk yesterday about H moving out, I am back in the twilight zone. H went to Costco and bought all kinds of food and goodies for us. He was in a very happy and playful mood.

Which brings me to a question. I have noticed when times get tense between us, H seems to be happier than ever. In one conversation, where he had said the words "I think we should get a divorce", 10 minutes later I passed by him singing to himself. Really hurt me, but I am learning this is a coping mechanism? I have read others same the same about their S's. Being almost overly happy.

Anyway, the night was really nice. Had dinner, hung out all together. At one point H chased me with a dead mesquito. I grabbed his arm playfully and wow, having such limited physical contact makes any touch special.

So I am so confused. It's nights like these that remind me of what I am standing and fighting for. Why can't we have this life all the time? If we could have that, plus a romantic connection between H and I, it could be so good. And it's so possible. So so possible. It's almost like H is back this week. He has been spending so much time with S. He took the full week of for vacation, so he is picking up S after school and they are hanging out and they are both just glowing! It warms my heart so much. This is us, the real us. How long will it last?

Of course, deep in my heart, I don't want H to move out. I just can't deal with the weirdness at home with him the majority of the time. And I am so obsessed with finding out if there is an OW or not. So things will be going well at home, then bam, something sets me off and I shut down and hold back from things I could be doing to help our R. Please, someone, give me a 2 x 4 whack of how I can get myself OUT of this mindset.

I can see he responds well to my attention. I can feel that he enjoys us all together.

I guess I should continue to work on detaching, letting go of whether there is an OW or not. If I could just do that...... I will continue to show attention with no expectations and watch the results. I am so back and forth, I think I can be as crazy as H sometimes. Really. I need help.

I leave for Carmel tomorrow with my girlfriends for our girl weekend trip. I am really looking forward to it. Hanging with my girls always give me that boost. I plan on coming back refreshed and strong again. I can do this.

[mleigh4]

Hi Job. Here is my post of our talk yesterday. It was on my old thread:

I went home at lunch and H was home since he took the week of for vacation to do the hunting thing. Since S is at school, it was a perfect time to talk. I stayed very calm. We talked about everything, I validated his feelings, talked about my own. He got upset a few times about my parenting and how I treated him. I can't get over the anger he has towards me sometimes. He still swears he is doing what he says with who he says. I asked him if he had any ideas on how to make it possible to live at home and have it be comfortable for us all as it just isn't working for me. He agreed that it wasn't working for him either. That he doesn't like sleeping in the spare room, but that he just cant...... He stopped there. Sleep with me is most likely what he would have said? Am I a leper now? I cried a little, couldn't help it, but there was no comfort from him. I expected that too.

So I went over the 3 options. To talk with someone alone, talk with someone together or leave. I explained that it just didn't make sense to stay in the house if we are not actively working on our marriage together. Not to mention the example S is getting. He agreed with that. So, he says he must need to move out then. He talked about the financial situation and what if he isn't paying me enough then we find out later that he owes me some lump sum of money.....Really?? I told him I am not out to get him. That this situation has made us look at each other as monsters and he knows I am not the type of person to go after someone. I told him we will make it work so that we are both financially comfortable. That we will figure it out. And that no matter what happens we will stay friends since we have a son to raise together and will be in each other's lives for a long time. He put his head in his hands and just sat there for a minute.

I asked if the separation would be to take a break and see what happens? H said he is hoping the space would ease some of the tension between us and we can be friends again. Of course still no commitment either way.

So I was prepared for that, he is pretty clear in that he "doesn't have it in him to work on us". I am now curious to see if he really does this. I am not going to help him look for a place, he needs this reality check on his own. He was overwhelmed just talking about where to move and what he needs in the house to park his vechicles and blah blah blah. His problem, not mine.

I feel better. I ate for the first time in 2 days. I also stopped crying for the first time in 24 hours. This is why I had to take this step. It may bite me by pushing him out, but I know this is not the way I can live either.

[job]

So, you had a nice conversation w/him while your son was at school. I'm glad things worked out that way so that your son wasn't around when you did this. From your posting, sounds like you were calm and straight forward w/him. Of course, he's not going say he's committed right now because he's still out to lunch a bit. I had to smile when I saw that he was going to move out, and yet, he's finding some excuses about the car, etc. Yes, my dear, it's his problem to figure out. You've done all you can and you are still trying to be the compassionate person that you've always been.

Step back, allow him to flounder and hunt for his own place. He's got to grow up and what better time than now to do so. You can always rent out a room if you need additional funds after he's gone. I know that there are a lot of students out there just looking for a place to crash while going to college, etc.

You and your son are going to be okay. This talk may have been just what you needed to continue moving forward. He needed to hear what you had to say and now he knows just where you stand.

I'm glad you are feeling better. One heavy elephant has left the room for you. Enjoy your weekend away.

[job]

I wanted to come back and point out that he feels better after he says he wants a divorce because, to him, it's a defense mechanism that he thinks will make you step back and leave him alone. Many of them yell and stomp their feet saying they want a divorce, and yet, do nothing in the way of getting the ball rolling.

You've already begun to notice how he behaves after he's said this. It use to made me so angry when my xh would do this and as time went by, I realized what he was doing. Continue to observe and you'll see how "I want a divorce" is his mantra whenever you get too close or call him on his behavior, i.e., just like a child that says he hates mommy when he's call on bad behavior.

[GoatGal]

I agree with what job says above.

I believe my H did not/does not really want a divorce.

He filed because it was a way to shut me up, get me to back off, put me on the defensive instead of the offensive I was on after I discovered OW.

He also had fears that I would file a "fault divorce" and drag him through court with his adultery for all the world to see. (I wouldn't have, but I threatened it out of anger back then.)

He has done nothing to move it forward since then, but, as job says, every time he got defensive or felt pressured or criticized by me---he pulled it out.

Saying: "Well, it doesn't MATTER because I WANT A DIVORCE!"

To which I started answering, "I know. That's fine."

And he would kind of fizzle out.

It no longer carries the punch it once did and I no longer react to it.

So he never mentions it either way.

Just food for thought.

---(G)GGG

[mleigh4]

I know that routine Job. He has said so many times this last year that he thinks we would be better apart, yet has done nothing to make that happen. I have a feeling the same thing is going to happen with the moving out. We shall see. I don't know. Maybe I'm really dumb, maybe I am in complete denial, I just feel in my heart he doesn't want any of this any more than I do.

In the meantime, I need to pull myself back together and go back to my goals for myself. To sit back, be patient and observe. To try new things, work on 180's and watch for results with no expectations. Sounds so simple, right?

Since H is at home today, I checked with him to see if he would like me to pick up some lunch. He said yes. I took home some yummy food, we watched a funny show together, laughed and had a really good time before I headed back to work.

We really are in crazy land, aren't we???

[job]

You have a good attitude about the situation and I agree w/you...unless he's really pushed hard, he's not going anywhere any time soon.

You've got a good weekend coming up, enjoy the time away w/your friends and leave the mlc monster at home.

It's just the craziest experience I ever had and I know exactly what you are experiencing. LOL!

Keep up the good work!

[mleigh4]

Thanks Goatgal. You guys are right, it does not have the effect on me that it once did. I am actually pretty chipper today. Yesterday I was in tears at work, today I had lunch with H and am happier than ever. My coworkers think I have lost it.

For me, it's almost like a release when we talk. But yesterday was a good one. We both agreed we will be friends no matter what and sure, maybe it's best if he moves out for a while. He knows it's not what I want, that I would rather work on R, but his choice, and I am ok with that. I feel like he knows where I stand, the pressure is off, and I can now just be me. I don't know how to explain it, but it put me back into a good place.