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Your Thanksgiving went very well. Sounds like everyone had a great time. How is the kitten doing? Is she spoiled rotten yet?

I would invite him on the trip to Lego Land and see how it goes, but keep your expectations very low as he may opt not to go.

Friendship is the first step to any relationship and it sounds like he's comfortable w/that step thus far. Don't rush the process because you are frustration/anxious for more. If you push too hard, he will take several steps back. Dig deeper for patience.

Keep in mind that your h is not ready to take the next step from friendship back into the relationship. He's still got some growing to do...but if you want to try a few touches here and there, that should be okay...but I don't think I'd try hugs just yet. Try touching his arm or his hand while decorating the tree or doing something that involves the both of you. If he cringes or distances himself after you have touched him, then I would suggest waiting a bit and try it again. Don't expect him to warm up to these quickly. He needs to feel safe and know that you aren't trying to manipulate him into a "relationship" right now.

Listen to what he has to say, don't question his comments about the smoke detectors. If you listen closely, you may be able to figure out what's on his mind.

Dig deeper for patience because the process is a slow one for reconnection. You can't rush it.

Last edited by job; 12/04/14 06:12 PM.
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Hi Job. Thank you for the advise. Our friendship is going well right now so I wouldn't want to mess that up. In all reality, I myself haven't made any decision, I'm not even sure we can reconcile to be more than friends. I just am eager to try smile

As far as our annual Bday trip for S, I will invite him, but only because it's the right thing to do. S and I had the best trip so far last year, with just us 2. I am totally fine doing it just like that again. It was much more laid back and relaxing, for whatever reason. S had told me he wanted to do the exact same trip next year. Not sure if he meant just the 2 of us again? But it's only right to invite H.

Also I have planned our annual Xmas trip to eat at a favorite restaurant and walk around Christmas in the Park. I planned it with S. Myself and some good friends. Again, I will invite H but totally ok if he doesn't go.

So I am not so sure where my own feelings stand with H. I am so over the drama and weirdness of his MLC. I still catch myself rolling my eyes at his behavior sometimes but am able to just go with the flow for now. I love life and want to enjoy it, and intend to do just that, with or without him.

Kitten is doing great! Very loved and spoiled. She is very loving and gets along great even with our lab. They actually play hide and seek together. However, kitties has not taken to H. She won't let him get near her, runs away. She doesn't do this with me, S or the dog. H gets frustrated and annoyed about it. He has never had a cat and is definitely not a cat person. Any ideas to help them to get along??? I have had him feed her and hold her by him, but she gets uncomfortable around him. Hhmmmm. Don't cats sense evil? I made that comment to H, joking of course, but he didn't laugh smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Animals can sense when something isn't quite right w/people. I would encourage your h to play w/her. Get one of those toys that has a stick, string and feathers on the end. They do love those. My cats love them a lot. It takes a pet a while to warm up to someone they sense doesn't like them or is nervous around them.

I think you are handling your situation quite well.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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So I let out a little spew last night. Well, not really a spew, I stay calm, just a need to get something off my chest.

My H spends a lot of time at home now. But the majority of the time is doing odd ball projects and stuff around the house. Now, I am glad he is home and not out who knows where. So my issue is that he gets so caught up in these projects, that he doesn't help with S or anything in our day to day home life. Like dinner, homework, etc. I find myself enjoying a cold glass of wine by myself while H is scrambling around. My issue #2 is that he stays up all hours doing this stuff, even on week nights. This continues to bring in my mind, is he on something??? For example, the other night he spent 2 hours at Costco, then came home, whooped down the plate of food I saved for him, then went about doing stuff. Putting liquid plumber down all the pipes, filling up the hand soap containers, and this is at 10:00 at night while I am getting S to sleep and H had mentioned he had a 6:30 meeting in the morning. I fell asleep so I'm not sure how late he was up.

The next night I had a hair appt and got home at 7. H had gotten himself and S fast food, didn't ask me if I wanted anything. No homework done. As soon as I got home, off he went to the garage to spend 2 hours fixing his Ipad stand in his work van. I was a bit annoyed abbut the dinner sitch and just told him to let me know if I am on my own for dinner, that I would have gotten myself something while I was out. H apologized, offer to make me something and said that wasn't nice of him considering I handle dinner for us every night.

So, last night, night 3 of all this, again H comes home from work and starts fixing a shelf in our laundry room without even changing out of his work clothes. Just straight to it. Then grabs some new smoke detectors to try and do before dinner. So I ask H, please tell me the secret, where you get this energy? I said you get no sleep but work nonstop when home. H says I don't know. So I asked, are you on something? He said no. I asked energy drinks or something? H said sometimes. He said he just keeps busy to keep his mind busy. I said, busy from what? Facing our situation? I said if you are trying to escape the reality of our life, then why are you here? He said fine, I will stop fixing things. I said no, that's not what I mean. I appreciate the stuff you do. My problem is that you get so caught up in it, that you lose track of time and don't help out with S. He said ok, he will help more, which he did last night.

Ugh, I don't know. I get to these points where my gripes sound so dumb to me, but at the same time, I am not ok with enabling his complete lack of being a husband or a father while living in this house. It's not ok. I am sorry he is lost right now and trying to figure himself out. I would love to be the saint wife that let's him do so with no problem, and I mostly am, but some days..... I just can't take it!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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This energy and sooper-dooper getting things done sounds like times when my stbxw was in an anxiety cycle. Usually it would be followed by a deep depression and complete lethargy.


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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TSquared2 - H does go back and forth between these bursts of energy and lethargy. The entire 4 days Thanksgiving weekend, he slept on and off every day. As soon as work starts up again, he's off like an energizer bunny. It does seem to be a pattern, from one extreme to the other. I really am trying to leave him be. I wonder if this is his own therapy method of working through things. I kick myself when I intrude on it, but sometimes I just feel overwhelmed with the weight on my shoulders. I got what I needed to say off my chest, so now it's back to observing quietly.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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It's how she seemed to work through stuff then.


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Hello and Happy Friday. Just updating and journaling Michele's world! I would at home but my S consistently hijacks my Ipad and I never seem to get to it.

All going well here. I had IC yesterday which I notice can sometimes bring up some anger in me, but it went well in that I got a lot of praise for where my head is at. I am staying in high PMA, still making the choice each day to be happy and enjoy life. H and I continue to rebuild our friendship and I continue to see some changes happening.

It seems his trust in me is returning. When he thought I was going through his things and placing GPS on his vehicles, I had noticed that he started keeping his keys in his room instead of on the key rack. Just this week, he has returned to hanging his keys back on the key rack. He still talks in long term lingo, even using the word "we", and plans things for us to do as a family. We are getting our tree this weekend and plan on getting some new decorations for the yard and new lights for the house. H also continues to keep himself busy with home projects and I stay out of his way. Honestly, most times I don't even notice he is busy doing his thing because I am busy doing my thing. In fact, I find I don't think about him or sitch much at all anymore.

I can't put in to words the sense of freedom I have been feeling. I choose my mood and live it, feel it. I am consistently in a good mood, I feel loving and friendly not just towards my family and friends, but even strangers. I find myself making small talk and laughing so much. I don't feel like my life is on hold anymore. I am living as I would with our without H. He just doesn't have that power anymore, to effect me. I continue to feel on the fence in regards to my own feelings about our M. Which brings me to something I said yesterday in IC.

I told my IC that I feel very free right now, but am not ready for any kind of relationship, with H or anyone else. When I said it, I realized that this must be part of the freedom I feel. I don't want to have any R talk and don't want to commit to anything until I myself have done some more work on me so I can build a healthy relationship with someone, and I am not there! I keep that mirror in front of me and it is working well in helping me to make changes and stick to it. I am learning from things I do or say that make me feel icky about it. I am liking more and more what I see. But the realization that I am not ready for any kind of relationship right now - wow - that was a big thing for me to hear myself say.

I believe I see changes in H, that tell me he is also working on himself. He shows an effort to make me happy, and an effort to connect with S. I think I am doing a great job of leaving him be to do his work, while I do mine. Home is full of laughter, love and warmth. This works for me right now. I am ok not knowing what is around the corner as I'm not really sure what I want.

I also, as part of finding me, plan to figure out - what do I need to see in H, what changes, to feel secure in that he is in this? What changes do I want to see in myself to feel secure in moving towards an R? What would I need from someone to feel happy in an R? Can husband fulfill those needs? Or do I need to adjust my expectations? Lots going on in my noodle and a good conversation my IC and I will have in our next appt.

My most recent happy moment - me, S, dog and cat all snuggled in bed to go to sleep. H was closed away in his own room, and I thought to myself, how sad that he is missing out on this kind of simple love and comfort. If only he would let us in. Hopefully, in the future, there will be a moment when it can be all of us, no matter which way this goes. In the meantime, I eat it up and cherish each moment like this. My cup runnith over smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Great to hear! Keep up that PMA:-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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You are doing great! Your h is slowly healing himself and it's going to take some time. Continue to be patient. Continue to be yourself.

I can just picture you, your son, dog and kitty are snuggled down in your bed for the night. What a beautiful picture that made. It's too bad your h isn't ready to share in that beautiful picture...but one day soon...he will.

Keep up the good work.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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