The Awakening of ME

[mleigh4]

Wow. It's been a long time since I have posted. I lurk and follow up on other's threads though.

I continue to give H space. It just comes natural to me now. I realize I go through my days barely thinking of H or sitch. What an amazing emotional freedom after the last year of pure obsession on my part! H has been home consistently. He keeps himself busy on home projects and I mean busy!! He never just sits and rests. I told him I notice how much he enjoys keeping busy on the house and appreciate the things he is getting done. H said yes, he does enjoy it, said it keeps his mind busy.

S and I stay out of his way and continue to do our thing. I never expect H to join us on outings, in fact last weekend I went to my family get together and did not invite H. I decided I wanted to relax and enjoy myself, and would more without H there. Yes, it was all about ME. I also didn't want to give my family any false hopes but I did let them know that H not being there was MY choice. Honestly, H most likely preferred it that way. He has never been a fan of our loud Sicilian gatherings!

One thing did happen to me that day however. As I was getting ready, I started having panic attacks about leaving town for the day and leaving H behind at home. I was worried he would have "someone" over while we were away, like when we went camping last month. So, I let him know how I was feeling. We both stayed calm and talked it out. H said he doesn't want me to have panic attacks or to feel that way. I explained that most of my fears come from him not sharing his time away from us. I said just sharing things helps me to see the truth instead of making things up in my head. (I know, this is MY issue, but a huge reason for my disconnect with H in the first place. And yes damn it, I want a marriage where we talk about our days and funny things that happened or things we saw.... This is how I connect.). So H right away explained how it came about having his buddy over while we were away and went on to explain that he does invite some of the new friends over but that they don't feel comfortable coming because of knowing what we are going through. Hmmm is he projecting his own feelings? I think so. So, I told him thank you for talking that out with me, that I appreciate it and that I felt much better.

Other than that talk, every day goes on very peaceful and calm at home. We continue to live together as good friends. No touches or affection at all. For now, I am able to accept this. I really don't think much about it. The day to day life keeps us busy. I really do love H and when I look at him, I don't see my husband. I see a really good friend who is trying to figure some things out and needs some time and space to do that. Considering how comfortable we all are at home together, I am ok with that.

H does heating/ air conditioning for a living and went today to help out a work friend on his boat to fix some non working air conditioners. It's a large boat his friend and wife just bought. Must be nice! Anyway, H TM that he will be staying there for dinner, he shared what they had done so far today on the boat and sent pics to share with S and I. I see this as, he listened and heard me . Not sure if he is doing that as a friend or potential reconciled future H, but whatever he means, it makes me happy

The journey continues. I truly believe anything is possible. I have learned to love unconditionally. It came easy for me with S, but is completely different with H. I have learned patience, compassion and respect. I have learned how strong I am and continue to learn my strengths and weaknesses. This journey continues to be an amazing experience for me.

[mleigh4]

I want to add to post above. When I do think about sitch there is a lot going on in my mind. I really don't know if I can trust H again or truly forgive H enough to feel more than a friendship for him. I do still get angry that he feels the way he does. That he has changed the dynamic s of our family, our marriage and our home. I get angry that he is so lost and confused about what he wants. When I see a man look at his wife, with adoration and love, I get angry that I lost that. I miss loving someone and being loved back. I wonder, could we reconcile? Do I want to? I am really not so sure sometimes. I am over worrying what H thinks, feels and wants. What about me? I want a man who values and cherishes his family. Who would do anything to protect us. Can H ever be that man? Or will he continue to put his own needs first. Are my expectations too high or unrealistic? I continue to look inside myself. I wonder sometimes if I look to H for too much. My father was never a part of my life, do I look for H to replace that?

Just thinking out loud. There is a lot of soul searching going on with me. Yes I accept today with the uncertainty of my future with H. I. Can live with it for now. But I wonder when I will get to that point of needing more and better. I wonder if those feelings will change as I continue to work on myself. The good thing is that I have learned to not act on these feelings. I just feel and think and feel some more. Just taking it all in.

[Shining]

Hi, mleigh,

It's great what you wrote, that you accept today with the uncertainty of your future with H.

Such a nice feeling to not have to decide anything today, and just keep living your life. Isn't it?

(((((Hugs))))))

[daring]

I do still get angry that he feels the way he does. That he has changed the dynamic s of our family, our marriage and our home. I get angry that he is so lost and confused about what he wants. When I see a man look at his wife, with adoration and love, I get angry that I lost that. I miss loving someone and being loved back. I wonder, could we reconcile? Do I want to? I am really not so sure sometimes. I am over worrying what H thinks, feels and wants. What about me? I want a man who values and cherishes his family. Who would do anything to protect us. Can H ever be that man? Or will he continue to put his own needs first. Are my expectations too high or unrealistic? I continue to look inside myself.

^^^^^^^- Exactly where I'm at! I have moments where I don't even think about the sitch, and then moments where the above quote is swirling in my head.

Maybe it's timing- my BD was a month after yours and H moved out 2 weeks later. Maybe we are hitting the point where we heal a little bit and remember that we matter too.

[mleigh4]

Shining - Yes! It feels fantastic to just live. This situation will not effect my happiness. I won't let it. I just want to live my life and enjoy. I have great family and friends who love me, a S who adores me, not to mention I love myself and the person I continue to become. It feels liberating and I feel so independant again. It's been a long time. Hugs back!!

Daring - I have those moments too where I just get so annoyed with the whole thing. But I remind myself that I can break this cycle at any time, I do have control of that. I see myself getting closer to that point, where I want love and romance in my life again. Of course, I would love that to be with H, but if not, I am also ok with that. I have days where I just wish he would leave and go figure himself out somewhere else, you know? Who needs this? But then I remind myself that he really is going through something and he is not doing this on purpose. He just has no direction and needs to figure that out. It must feel horrible, to be in his shoes. H isn't a mean or bad person by nature, so I am sure he is not proud of what he is doing to our family and home. I love him, so I will continue to be patient and continue to love him. It's all I can do for now.

[mleigh4]

Vent time. Most days go well, then I have days like today where I just feel down.

I have been fighting a cold for a week, but continue to take care of S, homework, baths, dinner, pets, etc. not ONCE has H asked how I feel.

Most days I ask H how his day at work was. I either get a good answer or sometimes just a grunt. But I can't remember the last time he asked me.

Tonight when he came home from work, he barely said 2 words to us. The withdrawn self centeredness of it all just gets to me so much sometimes. I just get really lonely. I love my alone time, no problem there. It's being with someone, day to day, who continues to be here, but is not HERE.

On a happier note, we got a kitten last week. My friend works at a vet office and kitty was found starving and needed a home. We have totally fallen in love with each other! She follows me around, snuggles with me at night. I just love her. My main reason was to have a companion if and when H moves out. We want S and our lab together, so I just didn't want to be all alone.

Since H decided to not take the last place he found to rent, he hasn't said a word about moving. I am not sure if he is still looking. I have many moments when I hope he is! I'm torn if living together while he finds himself works for me. I have very mixed feelings about that!

Anyway, I feel better just getting that off my chest. These days, that get me down, remind me of how lonely I really am and how much I miss the simple things, like a kiss hello or goodbye. Like a hug for no reason. Just the feeling of being cared about. This [censored]

[job]

I'm sorry you've not been feeling well and I do hope you are up and about very soon. When we aren't feeling well, everything becomes a huge effort and it sounds like that's what has happened for you. It's okay to feel down, you are entitled to feel this way. Your h's empathy chip is broken and he's off in another world of fantasy and being a teenager w/no responsibilities.

You got a kitten? That little girl is so lucky to have someone like you to love her. What did you name her? She will love you unconditionally and always be there for a snuggle. I'm very happy you opted to take her in. I have two cats and both were found, rescued and I took them. I've never regretted it.

Continue to come here to vent. I know it's difficult to have him living in the house and I would venture to say he's not looking for another place to live right now.

I do hope you and your family have a nice Thanksgiving. Please take care of yourself.

[mleigh4]

I think you are right Job. I haven't missed any work and keep pushing myself to run like normal so I feel pretty run down. We are closing early today, so I plan on coming home and resting up for tomorrow! And after all my venting, H asks this morning, are you feeling ok? Lol.

Kitties name according to S is mittens. I call her Mitzi. I had to put my last cat down last year, I had her for 17 years. It's funny, this kitten looks a lot like my last . I am enjoying her so much. Her and the dog are still warming up to each other.

I wish everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving!

[job]

Try to get a little rest, i.e., pamper yourself just a wee bit. I hope you feel better soon.

Love the name of kitty. She's going to win those dogs over in no time.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[mleigh4]

"One day she finally grasped that unexpected things were always going to happen in life. And with that she realized the only control she had was how she chose to handle them. So she made the decision to survive using courage, humor and grace. She was the queen of her own life and the choice was hers."

Does that describe us well or what? We are survivors All still going well here. We had a wonderful wonderful Thanksgiving. Even though I was still feeling a little under the weather, I didn't let it effect our day. I cooked quite the spread... Prime Rib, Turkey breast and mashed potatoes. My mom came over and brought the green bean casserole and rolls along with desserts. We started the meal by all taking a turn to say something we were thankful for. My S started by saying he was thankful for his family. My mom agreed and said the same. I was thankful for us all being together in good health. And H was thankful that I prepared such a delicious meal. lol. I just have to laugh. I was hoping for something a little more meaningful, but good food has always been important to H!

So we spent the entire Thanksgiving weekend eating and napping. I don't think we even left the house, S stayed in jammies for 4 days! It was very relaxed. H commented that he really enjoyed having those extra days off work to eat and sleep, then eat and sleep more. H said it just doesn't get any better than that.

So, each day goes by. H and I continue to get along so well and I continue to make our home a home. Still no affection of any kind, just a good friendship. I actually have been reflecting on the fact that I feel such a warmness towards H, considering all that has happened in the last year. I guess that is true unconditional love, huh? I really didn't know I had that in me and think about it a lot.

I don't see any sign of H looking for a place to move out. I have a feeling that not taking the place he found was also a decision he made to not move out after all. I almost sensed a relief and happiness in him after all that. Like he actually made a decision on his own based on what felt right to him. Mindreading, I know, but I think it was some kind of step for him.

H has mentioned some long term things, like getting smoke detectors for the house with 10 year batteries so we don't need to change them every year. And buying a large cover for our boat when we have it at our house this summer. Sounds like we are staying the course? I take these conversations with a grain of salt, as I know things can change in an instant.

So, I can continue with our friendship for now, but at some point, something needs to change. So here comes my questions. Once the holidays are over, real day to day life returns. I plan on inviting him on our annual birthday trip for my S to legoland and Disneyland in February. Should I also start trying some physical touches or hugs? Something to initiate movement? Or do I take the things that seem to happening with H in stride and let things fall into place as they may? It seems there is a lot of thinking going on with him, based on things he says and does. Just nothing physical or verbal in ways of affection. What do you guys think? Give it more time? See what happens over the holidays I guess?