The Awakening of ME

[mleigh4]

Caliguy - I agree. Don't know what I would do without this place. I think I need to read up again on MLC. It's been awhile and it may help me to stay patient right now. I am feeling almost free, like the pressure of what to do is off me. H finally made the choice. I want to stay compassionate and loving for him with the door open like you said, but I need some refresher courses on MLC.

Tsquared2 - you are absolutely right. It's better then what I have gotten for the last year.

Matt - I keep up on your sitch and my heart breaks for your family. Yes, the niceness is very strange, almost creepy. But a refresher in MLC might help me to understand that. I remember when I decided to move out last year, my H was the same. Really happy and humming. He went out to a Bday dinner after helping me move stuff, then had them all back to our 1/2 empty house after. I was so hurt. I know this isn't about me, I try to remember that, but it still hurts.

I have lots on my agenda. Vacations to plan, house to decorate, holiday parties. We are going to share our dog, she will stay with S where he goes, so I am thinking of getting another dog so I am not alone on those nights! I have been having this feeling that something good is on the horizon for me. I'm not sure what is going to come of this, but I feel excited about the possibilities. At least right now - let's see how I feel tomorrow and each passing day!

[mleigh4]

Last night remained a calm and high PMA night. H came home after work and continued to work on our kitchen cabinet project we are doing. We talked about S homework and how well he is doing in school. I got a call from S teacher yesterday to tell me S is getting an award on Friday not just for his academic success, but also for respectfulness and kindness. She said he is so sweet and so caring to his classmates. We are so so proud of S.

H says he feels like he is coming down with something, not feeling good. We all had dinner together and nice conversation. Then for the 2nd night in a row, H said he is going to bed early to work on his work orders and fall asleep. We said goodnight. A lot of big sighs from H and alot of humming (his stress coping mechanism) At one point in the kitchen, when H was washing dishes and he let out a big sigh, I almost wrapped my arms around him from behind, like I always used to do. I'm not sure why I didn't, not sure what stopped me, but next time I will just do it. Just a hug to let him know I still care and am still here. I'm amazed I even have that urge.

No talk of moving, when, money or anything. He must be surprised that I don't have a whole spreadsheet set up. I am a money and number nut and work up budgets for us all the time. When I moved out, I had it all figured out. This time, I am not saying a peep and not lifting a finger. He needs to figure it all out on his own.

My goals for today:

Continue to stay out of H way.
Keep up PMA high.
No mention of or questions about moving.
Make nice dinner (I can make a mean tri tip)
Keep home safe, calm and loving

[mleigh4]

Tonight H asked if I wanted to talk about him moving out. So we got S set up to watch some Spongebob and went to the other room. H started by saying he hasn't made any decision on what to do and wanted to know how I felt. I can't remember everything I said but I basically told him that I don't want him to move, that I would love to figure out a way to make our living situation work. I told him BUT, I want you to do what feels right. If you need to do this, you should and I won't stand in your way. H said this isn't fair to me either way, but he thinks by moving out, it will make him face reality and show him how it would be. He said it might help him realize he wants to be here. He said it would give us both time to think. H said it would be different than when I moved out because he wasn't comfortable at my apt so he didn't spend time there. But he said he would spend a lot of time here with S because he knows he will want to be here more. That he would come hang out here. We both talked about how scared we are. He brought up a little about the unhappiness in our marriage and I started to get a little defensive, but I caught myself. I told him this experience has been rough, but that I have learned so much about myself and our marriage and how we got here, that I don't think I would change it if I could. I told him I am finding myself again and have changed so much inside. I told him I want him to use this time for HIM. I said don't worry about hurting me or feeling guilty. I said use this time to figure things out just for him. He told me he will do IC and I thanked him for offering to do that, that it meant a lot to me. There were other things, but all done very calm and very loving. We finished with a big long hug. I told him I love him so much, as my husband and as my friend. He told me he loved me too. The first time in a year I have heard those words. I looked him in the eye and told him that I hope everything works out for him.

A little later, he told me that if this happens, it won't be until December 1st. I said oh good, then you will be here for Thanksgiving? He said yes, he told them he couldn't move before then. So I said, do a prime rib for Tday? He smiled big and said Yes!

I am so dang proud of myself, how we are handling this. I feel really good. Scared, but good. I am pretty sure he will go, and I am ok with that.

[job]

You handled yourself and the conversation very well. At least he knows that you aren't angry and ready to open the door and shove him out. He's got some time to think about things and I'm glad he's going to be there for Thanksgiving.

BTW, you may find that now that you've had this discussion, the tension in your home will ease up. He will become more attentive and happier. Some of the MLCers tend to become the happy people once again when they know that they are moving out and you are on board w/it. I'll be curious to see if he reacts the same way as others have.

[mleigh4]

Thanks for your praise Job . Ya, I can't explain it, I am on some kind of high right now, this all feels right and necessary. And not my battle to fight.

Thinking of other things said. H had said he hasn't been sleeping because he is so unsure of what to do. I assured him to do what feels right to him, what you think would be best for you. I told him, don't stay here out of duty or guilt. That won't help anything between us and could actually cause more damage. I told Him I would only want you home if it was really what you wanted. And I would only want you to be with me, if it is what you want. I told him I deserve no less than that. H said I deserve much better than all of this. He said he feels so bad living here, sleeping in the spare room, having me cook for him every night... I told him I love cooking for him. He said he knows, but it isn't right this way.

I did admit at one point that I'm not so sure this will help us, that I see things getting worse. H says it a one year lease and temporary. At the end, he says he will know what to do. H kept telling me he hopes this helps him to realize what he has, he hopes he will miss home and want to come back. I told him the door is open, it's his choice. He told me, don't be so sure of that. He said my feelings may change and I might realize I am happier without him. I told him we don't know what is going to happen. That is when we both admitted to being scared.

It was a great talk I think. I am ready to lovingly let him go. Mostly thanks to all of you on here. I am in such a different place than 1 year ago. Can I stand for another year? I am thinking, with the love I feel for H, yes. But it will be one day at a time and living life in between. I am ready for my new journey. Thank you guys so much for helping me get here.

[CaliGuy]

mleigh

Good for you ... you handled that about as good as I think anyone could. It is his choice, he must make the journey and you have left it to him to safely do so. It will not be easy .... and who knows where it goes from here ... but atleast you are not fanning the flame ... very impressive!!

[mleigh4]

Just an update, not much to post. I am still very in tune with myself and how things are changing inside. I still am very much liking what I see in my mirror. I am still in very high PMA.

In reading a post from t2sqared on Caliguys thread, pretty much sums up where I am at. I totally accept H needs to move out. I don't feel anger or sadness about it, not sure if that will change but I am going with it right now. I have laid down my sword, shut myself up, and support him on his journey. I picture myself still with him, but off to the side. When I look at him, I look at a friend. We are not emotionally H and W right now, I accept that. I truly have no expectations from H right now. It all feels really good. I am not obsessing on him or our sitch, I have let it all go.

I am so grateful that H has not made any rash decisions to leave(before when I would not have been ready) or D. This has been just as long and hard of a struggle for him, and he has taken it slow and has tried to do things best as he could. I finally see that and appreciate him for that. I appreciate he is taking this next year to work things through instead of setting up D like he has said. I appreciate that he is working on his relationship with S, I can see it. I accept H needs to work on himself before we can ever possibly began our R. It's so clear to me now. And for all of that, I have lovingly let him go.

Mind reading here, but I get the feeling H senses this change in me. I hope he knows it's genuine, but time will prove that. Sometimes I almost feel guilty that I am feeling so good at a time when I should be a little sadder? I feel little ripples of excitement when I think about having the house to myself, getting another pet, having free nights again to go out with friends....

H hasn't gone out with his friends in well over a month. Did he realize partying and sleeping on people's couches wasn't the answer to his happiness? I guess, in going through my own journey of blaming my unhappiness on H, then realizing it wasn't about him but was about me, I am hoping that he will get the same clarity. I believe his moving out will help greatly with that which could explain the excitement I feel. I also know without a doubt this will continue to bring us closer as friends. So, who knows what will happen from there?

Making plans for S's annual legoland/Disneyland trip in February. This last time just S and I went and had a blast. Another thing I have noticed about myself. All the plans I make do not include H and I am ok with that. It's automatic now, I have gotten so used to it. Then, it becomes a nice surprise if he tags along. Totally up to him! Anyway, still lots of thinking in my head, but it's all about ME.

I am in the mood to have some good food and wine with friends this weekend. I think I will see what they have planned! S is off school Monday and Tuesday, so I took days off too and looking forward to 4 day weekend!

[Shining]

Sounds like you have some wonderful plans for your long weekend! Good for you for taking that time for YOU:).

IMO, I believe they can and do sense when we make changes and our thinking shifts. I have zero explanation about why this seems to happen... Just my own observations and experience.

As far as feeling guilty for not feeling sadder...I can so relate.

You feel what you feel. Give yourself permission to do that. Try not to judge yourself on those feelings, thinking you should feel differently.

You seem to be doing so great, mleigh. You're giving him tons of space, and whatever happens happens, and your life doesn't stop because of it. Right on, girl.

[mleigh4]

Ok calling all vets! Actually anyone, just looking for some insight.

H has approached me for the 3rd time asking me how I really feel about him moving out. I didn't realize, he still hasn't decided or taken this place. I haven't asked anything about it, letting him fully take the lead on this one. 180 for me.

Anyway, I told him this is not my decision to make. He said he knows, but he just wants to know how I feel about it, that he is scared and still not sure what to do.

So, I told him again, if to move feels right to him, then he should do it. I told him I am not angry and that I will fully support him in this. I said if he needs this break and time, that he should take it.

H: I am just thinking and thinking and don't want to make a rush decision.

Me: and I appreciate that. In fact, I appreciate you not making any rush decisions about any of this. You could have filed for D by now or completely left us, but you haven't and I appreciate that and am actually learning from that (I can be emotionally impulsive)

H: I just think maybe this time away can help me figure things out. I don't want you to think I am doing this to get away from you.

Me: I don't feel that way, I know this is just to have the space to figure things out. ( I wanted to say, I know this isn't about me!)

H: But I don't want to move then realize I shouldn't have or be wishing I hadn't.

Me: yes, your moving can go either way. But know this will still be your home. That door is open to you, don't feel like you wouldn't be welcome.

H: I have a feeling I would still be around a lot.

Me: and that is fine. I am at a place where time is ok. We have time on our side and I also don't want to rush into anything. I just want to live my life right now. I am not looking for anything or even expecting anything from you. The pressure is off, this is your time. I truly want you to do what feels right for you.

I also told him that I support his decision either way. That if he decides he is not ready to move, that we can try to figure out a way to make living together work and to let me know what I can do to help. I told him that I love our friendship right now. We talked financials, and it looks like I can do this without renting out a room.

H says he is trying to meet up with the owner today because the fence needs repair, the bathroom should be repainted, and he would like this done before he would agree to take it. He assured me he has not signed anything yet.

Ok -- questions!!?? Is he making excuses to not go? I mean, painting the bathroom!!?? This place is a good deal and he is risking losing it. Am I making this all way to easy for him? Is it wrong of me to let him know this home would still be open to him? And that I would still be here? What is he so scared of? Is he wanting me to tell him not to go?

I know we don't know what is going on in his mind, but I am curious what you guys think. It just seems to be a whole lot of stalling. Honestly, I think he should take this place. But I won't tell him that because I want it to be his decision.

[job]

I think your h wants you to tell him what to do. He doesn't want to make the final decision to go and yet, he knows that the only way he's going to find himself is to do so. I'd continue to sit back and watch this unfold. Continue to put the ball in his court and eventually he will make a decision.

Quite frankly, he doesn't want to leave because it's comfortable where he is at and he knows that he's going to have to take care of himself if he goes. He's scared, but only he can make the decision to go or stay.

Continue moving forward. This is one decision that only he can make.

BTW, I'm not surprised he's not made a final decision. Some tend to waffle until you actually tell them to go. Mine sat there waffling w/threats of moving until I had had enough and shoved him out the door. Do I regret doing it? No...because the tension and stress in my home was at an all time high and once he was gone, things settled down for me. But that was my decision on how to handle the waffling, i.e., long before I joined the board.