The Awakening of ME

[TSquared2]

and between you and me there better be a medal, party, celebration giving me the key to the city after all this or I will be pissed ... lol

You create all that yourself, by doing the work....just sayin' .....

(psst....it's WAY better than any medal or party....)

[mleigh4]

Thanks Caliguy and TSquared2. I hope you guys are right about this all being worth it! Actually, I know it is, one way or the other.

This trust thing has been a big struggle for me this past year. Ok Caliguy, I will try looking at it like you said. I really can't trust him right now, and that is ok. I think trying to make myself do this may be part of the problem. I will try thinking of it that way and see if it helps.

[mleigh4]

H says he has found a place to move. Says it is nearby so he can stay close to S and take him to school on his days. H says this doesn't mean he isn't willing to work on things and that he promises to go to IC a couple times to see if it helps. I asked him, is moving out what you want to do? H says no, but this isn't working. I asked if it is a lease or month to month? H said its a year lease. I told him I can't guarantee I can make it through another separation. H said he knows there is no guarantee in any of this. H asked me, didn't you say you were happier when you moved out? I told him it was a break from the craziness, but I missed being in my home. H said well, he was at home, so It was different for him. I asked how soon? H said they want him to move in right away, but he didn't want to move so fast. I just said ok. I stayed very calm through the whole conversation.

That's it, I have nothing more to say. I need to just step back and let him go. Correct? I have spelled out how I feel, there is nothing more to do.

I have really mixed feelings. Part of me is sad and scared, of course. But part of me is relieved. This can go either way. Do we bother going over rules, such as dating? Why bother, right? I wouldn't believe him anyway. I guess I just let him go and see what happens now. Lovely, right before the holidays. I moved out exactly 1 year ago.

[job]

Let him go. He needs to travel the world of life to finally discover the man he needs to be. He needs to make his mistakes and learn from them and you can't be the one to fix him. He has to do this himself.

I wouldn't say one thing about dating, as both of you will again be separated. What he does w/his life will be his business and you will not need to check up on him or his activities. However, if he does something that affects the financials or your son, then that will be a different matter.

I suspect that even though he moves out, he'll be over quite a bit to visit w/your son. Make your home a safe haven for him. When you know he's coming over, bake up something that has a delicious smell to it, rearrange the furniture, change up the photos, etc., and make it your home for now.

I think you will find that once he's moved out, your anxiety and stress will be lifted off your shoulders a good bit.

Live your life to the fullest. Enjoy every moment you spend w/your son and allow the man upstairs to work on your h.

[mleigh4]

Ok job. I totally agree with you. I didn't sleep much. My thoughts are everywhere. I felt a real rush of anger at one point. So I will vent it here instead of at him. I am so disappointed in him. For baling on his family, his marriage, his commitments. For not telling me how much I was hurting him and what it was doing to him. For making me and S have to be separated again. And the dog who we are sharing custody of too. For being such a coward and not being a real man when times get tough. I thought he was so much more. For the example he is giving our S. I felt another door shut in me last night.

Then I had thoughts about the house. I can picture how I will redecorate. I even am thinking of having a holiday party with some close friends.

Also thinking of renting a room so I'm not so strapped. I have a male friend that has offered. We have known each other for 30 years and even dated at one point. But just good friends now. Not sure what H would think though. I don't really know anyone else but thinking.

I keep hearing him say "this doesn't mean I'm not willing to work on our marriage, but I found a place to move and I promise I will do IC". How twisted is that? How could a separation possibly mean working on our marriage?? It shows his complete spin on reality. I have waited over a year to hear those words, without the moving out part!

H hasn't mentioned financials, custody, furniture. I have no idea what I am in for. But my chin is up. I felt something big was coming, so I am prepared. Just letting it sink in and going about my day.

[mleigh4]

Another vent. H and I have become better friends these last few weeks than we have for a very long time. We have been hanging out and laughing, all together as a family. Meanwhile, he is sending in applications for homes. A move that threatens to rip apart our family. He shows such extreme passive aggressive behavior. Smiles at you as he stabs you in the back. I really hoped something was changing between us. I knew I couldn't trust his kindness. The kinder he is, the warier I will be.

Although he hasn't been whistling Dixie last night or this morning. Said he couldn't sleep. I am curious to see if this really plays out.

[CaliGuy]

mleigh

Totally understand your frustration ... I often wonder where I would be without this forum .. in the past year I have read/learned so much about MLC ... but more important than that I have read and learned so much more about ME. None of us have a gaurentee of where this MLC ride will take us and our M, all we can do is work on us.

I know you do not want to have H move out, but letting him go will set him on his journey, look at it as something he must do, set him free but keep the light on. Reading your sitch he sounds like a good guy, just wrestling with a heavy dose of MLC, not his fault ..allow him to fight his battle and wrestle with his demons .... in the mean time ... find you, create the house you want, list goals ... who do YOU want to be in 1-5 years ... GAL, Detach, PMA ... fake it till ya make it.

Vent here ... let that happen .. we all get it. But show H that you are strong and a woman he would be an idiot to leave. I have a feeling ... dude gets alone with his thoughts in a strange apt. He will have to start addressing his issues either IC .. or long looks in the mirror ... either way .. at the least he starts walking through that MLC tunnel.

[TSquared2]

"this doesn't mean I'm not willing to work on our marriage, but I found a place to move and I promise I will do IC"

Actually, this isn't as nonsensical as it appears, imo.

IF he works on himself, he is working on 50% of the M...

[Matt165]

Hi mleigh,
While my W was out looking for a place to move to AND filling out applications, she was nicer than she had been in ages! It's a pressure relief for them IMO. I think that now that they have made up their mind to DO something they feel less pressure and actually get nicer. I don't think it's "passive-aggressive", I think they really do feel less pressured so are better able to be "friendly". Remember, they don't think "normally" they think in an MLC way. Where you would think that being closer and having actual "fun" with the S would make them rethink what they are doing, that's not how they are thinking. You H like my W and darings H seem to have the same mind set where they feel they "MUST" move out. In my and darings case they feel they "must" D to stop the "bad feelings". He truly doesn't think at all about how this is hurting you and if he does he doesn't really care as this is something that he has to do.

I get the "door closing" you talked about. I really didn't think my W would actually leave in the end, let alone file for D. My oldest D19 has said that she remembers all her life how her mother would tell her that you should never get a D. That M meant you try everything you can to make things work. She can't understand how her mom did this, let alone seem to think that everyone should just be happy for her and just accept things. The example she is setting for her D19 and D14 is one of just giving up without a thought to how her actions affect anyone else. She has acted like a child in front of them. Not someone I can be proud of calling my S!

Part of MLC is the becoming a totally different person. Doing things that in the past they never would have done. I would expect that in the beginning your H will seem happier. While he gets his "new" place together, thinks he has "finally" gotten what he has needed, away from you. I saw this from my W. But as this newness wears off, things will change. It won't happen all at once. He will go up and down but after awhile all he will have is himself and no one to blame for his feelings. Whether this makes him start to rethink things depends totally on how far he has come in his MLC journey. All you can do is keep GALing, become the person YOU want to be with or without him. Stay strong!

[mleigh4]

Thank you guys for your support. In talking with my IC today, I realize that I am actually a little proud of H for taking this step. At least it's finally a decision after over a year of indecision. Not exactly the road I wanted to take, but at least he is making a move.

I also am realizing while talking things out with IC that there are many many things that have brought us to this point. Many things about our R and our personalities, things that have made me unhappy for a long time. I still get the feeling my IC is encouraging me to move on. I asked him, do you support marriage?? He said he has been married for 36 years. But he explained that he does not believe in staying in a loveless marriage. But that is for me to decide on.

I left with high PMA, chin up and we decided this is ME time. I have been preparing for this and I think I'm ready.