The Awakening of ME

[BrightFuture]

mleigh4, I think that sometimes to be in denial is the best thing to do…

I agree with job, it doesn’t look like your H going anywhere anytime soon. Just enjoy all the good things that come our way, whether it is time with your H, your son, or your girlfriends. I have so much hope for you!

[mleigh4]

Thank you BrightFuture. I love the positive vibes! It really helps.

Had overall a great weekend! Friday night, H and I made dinner together. Yep, together. Have not done that in a long time, being in the kitchen moving around each other. Was really hard to not reach out physically a few times. Anyway, watched the Baseball game after dinner together and had a good night.

Saturday morning, my girlfriends picked me up for our weekend away. We had a blast! Went to Pebble Beach, found a beautiful 23 million dollar home we want to buy (lol), ate like pigs, went out dancing, had a lot of fun. One thing I noticed about myself. I was looking around, at the restaurants, walking, especially at the bars. Not only watching other couples, but looking for someone cute to make some eye contact with. WTH? My girlfriend noticed it too and pointed it out to me. Not like me at all, but then when we went dancing, I had the guy come up and tell me I was the cutest thing he ever saw. Ya right, I know these lines. So we were talking and he asked me if I was married or had a boyfriend. I was blank, I honestly didn't know how to answer that. I think (because I was into a few drinks by then) I stumbled out that I was married, but it was weird not knowing what to say. I have not been in that position yet, to be out and be hit on. In all reality, I would in no way have acted on anything, but it was nice to have someone actually show some interest in me.

Anyway, we had a great time. While I was away, H stayed home with S. They went to a hockey game on Saturday, then invited S's two friends over for a sleepover that night. Kudos to H! That is no easy task! H texted me a few times over the weekend and sent me some pics of him and S. It was really nice to hear from him like that.

I got home Sunday about 5 p.m. and H and I talked all about our weekend. H had his hockey game on the tv, so I went to the other tv to check the score of the baseball game and he told me to turn off the hockey game and we could watch the baseball game on his tv. That was a nice surprise and invite.

While H was folding his clothes from the dryer, I was reading S a story while he was in his bath. H brought up that I give him a hard time about all the clothes shopping he does, but pointed out how cheap he gets these clothes at Ross and showed me some of them. The thing is, I don't care that he shops for new clothes, I wonder WHO they are for because he doesn't wear them to go out with me!! But I didn't say anything back like that. I just smiled and said the prices are great for such nice stuff.

I talked just a little with girlfriends and only because they were asking and are very old and dear friends of mine who know me and H well. We came to the conclusion, it's not over until it's over. They completely support my standing and encourage me to put the suspicions and worries out of my head, and to focus on the good. This is my plan, until I fall off that wagon! One day at a time.

All I can say is this last week has been like having H back in so many ways. I don't if it is the result of talking with his family friend while hunting. I don't know if it was because he was off work and just super relaxed. I'm not sure. One thing I am sure of, he was enjoying my company, even inviting it. We got along great and were truly being friends. Can't ask for much more right now, so I will enjoy it.

[job]

I'm very glad to see that you had a nice time away w/your friends. I am also happy to see that your h spent time w/your son and even had a couple of kids over..that's not an easy thing to do, i.e., sleepover w/youngsters! LOL!

As for the clothes, try not to question the motive behind them and who he's wearing them for. He could very well have purchased them to hang out w/his younger buddies.

Take the time you spent w/your and cherish it because you just never know when he'll run back into his rabbit hole.

Keep up the good work!

[mleigh4]

Just updating on this week.

I am still in high PMA mode and things are still going smooth at home. H has come straight home from work every day. We have had fun watching the World Series together.

I have realized that my focus is very strongly on home. What I mean by that is that I am focusing on making home a happy, safe and calm place. Not just for H, for all 3 of us. I am making that effort to be upbeat, take care of things, make everything comfortable. It is working great for me, as it takes my focus off H and our R. It all comes in to play together, but in a different way.

I also am sensing a change in myself in regards to my connection with H. I can swear, something has changed between us. Our friendship feels genuine right now. I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells, I don't feel like I am watching every little thing I do. I am just being me and treating H with genuine love and respect. It feels good and I think the feeling is being reciprocated. I know, mindreading, but H seems more relaxed and more himself too. And again, I honestly feel a warmth and love towards H that I haven't felt for a long time. Especially since BD.

H has a bad work commute everyday. It takes him about 1 to 1 1/2 hours each way. Last night, he was really frustrated when he got home, showed me pics of the traffic. At one point, he said it drives him crazy because all he wants to do is get home. My thought -- Home as in us? Or just home as in his place to crash? I can hope. I used to do this commute, I know the feeling. After a little thought, I told him, "I hate that you have this commute, but if it helps, S and I are really happy when you come home safe and sound". Total 180 for me. Usually I would think, you can't control it so get over it. But that isn't how I feel. He just answered "I know".

So, I will keep doing what I am doing and going with how I feel. It keeps the peace at home. I don't know if H is still looking for a place to move, it hasn't come up. I will do my best to keep my mind where it is, it is working great for me and S. Home should be a place you want to be. I am doing everything I can to make sure it is that for ALL of us.

[mleigh4]

Hope everyone had a fun Halloween! S wanted to trick or treat with his best buddy that lives a few neighborhoods away from us. I picked up S and his buddies after work and brought them to my place to feed them dinner. We were eating when H got home from work. I wasn't expecting H to join us for much, but I invited him to sit down and eat with us. He actually grabbed a plate and did. Was expecting an excuse of something he needed to do. So we ate and H asked if he had time to change before heading to trick or treat. I asked, you're coming?? He quickly said do you want me to go because otherwise I can do some work orders. I told H that is totally up to him, but would probably mean a lot to S as he is only this age once. So, H actually came, a nice surprise. However, he did suggest driving separate for dumb reasons, and offered to run home to grab an umbrella once we got there. He didn't end up doing these things, but It's like he panics or feels trapped, more mind reading. Anyway, we had fun and he seemed very present, not distracted.

So then the turtle kicks in. As soon as we got home, he heads to the bathroom for a good 25 minutes. Then off to shower. Then While I was in back room, I came walking back in down hallway while H comes in from the garage with some bubble wrapped wood thing. He looked surprised at seeing me, mumbled something about being cold, took this thing straight into his room, put it in there, then came out and shut the door. This is a perfect example of when I think to myself, what is with him??? This is when I get those tingles that he is hiding something. And this is when I just am not sure if this is a man I can trust. You don't know how badly I want to go through that room!

Which brings me to a conversation I had with a good friend of mine. She has known H and I for 25 years. She is very grounded and level headed, has been through some very tough times in her life. We were talking about me and H. She does not think there is OW, but feels H does lie and hide things. Her theory is that H is very uncomfortable with confrontation. So he fibs, tells the half truth to avoid ticking me off about things he does. I have been thinking about this and she may be on to something. Here are some examples.

I have told H he is addicted to his stupid phone. I hate that phone, he gives it more attention then S and I combined. He says he likes to look things up, news and prices on things and pretty much anything and everything. So I have noticed H is on it less around us. However, he disappears into the bathroom or other ares in the house for long stretches. I assumed OW, but could be just hiding his time on the phone.....

Also with shopping. I have mentioned to H he has become a shopaholic, that he is buying things left and right. So I have noticed he doesn't mention going much anymore. However, I hear him carrying bags into his room and leaving them there. Also, I have noticed a couple times when he complains he is stuck in traffic, I will come across a receipt that actually put his traffic time in a store. Also, he came home with this cool cap with a built in light that I have been raving about because I want to go get one! H had said he got it while shopping after work at some stores by our house, which he told me about because he offered to pick up dinner. So I told him I was going to go there to get one. So, last night he wore it and it came up again that I was going to go get one, and he looked at me a little hesitant and said that actually, he got it at walmart earlier that day by somewhere he was working, not at the store I thought. The look on his face made me feel like a S talking to his mom. I just said ok, hopefully the walmart near us has them too. But again, why lie about where you got it from and when???

So it makes me wonder if these lies I keep sensing are just due to him thinking I will get mad at him. I do not like being viewed as a mother to him! He shouldn't feel he needs to hide things from me. I sense this and it makes things worse. Of course, I'm not completely sure this is all going on, but it makes much more sense to me then other things that have gone through my mind. I will just keep observing and see how it goes. H has always been a very private person, but this won't work for me.

Lots going on in this head of mine, but I am listening. I am doing really good at not reacting to emotions, just thinking and feeling. H is a different person. Not sure if it is MLC or if I just never noticed this before. I wonder if I could ever have the connection with him I so desire. I'm not sure he is capable of giving much more than he has over the years. I am different. I am proud of who I am becoming in this sitch. It takes an amazing person to stand by your M when being put through such trying times. We should all be proud of ourselves.

One last thing I have found very helpful. I have googled " how to save your marriage alone" and there are some very uplifting and encouraging articles out there. It is mostly what we preach here, but I find it helpful to read when feeling down.

[mleigh4]

So, boundaries.... Had a good weekend. H and I worked on a home kitchen project. Even went shopping all together. The MLC normal, right? Then tonight H says "Jose called and wants help working on his truck. I will call him and see what he wants. ". H goes into the garage, calls, then comes back up and says he is gonna go. Ok, all good and well, no worries here, except for going into the garage to call! I am sorry, I KNOW I am super paranoid and untrusting of this man. He knows this too. But dang it I am so sick of feeling this way. H brought this on, not me! So I asked, why do you have to go in the garage to call him? And here we go. I am laughing as I type this, but it's just so damn old. So so old.

The talking starts, the accusations. So H showed me his phone log, with his call to Jose. Then I see his email of home renters, he says because I think it best he moves out. So that set me off.

Me: I did not ask you to move out, let me make this very clear. I said if you don't want to work on our marriage, then I don't understand why you would want to live here.

Those were my exact words.HE had then answered then I guess I should move out. He denies all of this. I told him don't you dare turn moving out on me. I told him I don't want any of this, that I am fighting to save my marriage! Ugh blah blah blah. Then mediation came up and I told him to stop throwing threats and just do it if that is what he wants.

So because I am a very cut and dry person, I flat out asked, "are you saying you are not willing to work on our marriage?"

H: I don't understand what you mean by working on our marriage!? If that means counseling, I don't want to

Me: it just means trying....

H cut me off: I am trying!!

Then I think it went on to him sleeping in a different room, that he doesn't have romantic feelings for me, that just going to his friends sets me off.... So I explained that I have definite trust issues and his calling in the garage set me off. That I am sick of sneaky behavior and don't want to deal with it anymore.

So, what is my definition of working on our marriage? WTH do I want? I would say working on our friendship, taking it day by day and seeing if any romantic feelings come back before making any big decisions. Yet, that is exactly how it goes, but then I start feeling not sure if he is just playing Mr best friends divorce buddy or actually trying... Is this really enough for me? I feel really confused right now. I feel like a bug that is half squished and just want to be put out of my misery! I don't mean in a dead way, I mean just work on us or get out!

But I do see him making efforts, I really do. But these trust issues are killing me, and us. I want to leave him a note, to explain what " working on our marriage" means to me, since I never got that out. Do I bother? Will it be enough for me if I continue to have my trust issues? I am not sure what I really want sometimes. Like now. I am so tired of this limbo.

[mleigh4]

I had a letter all written, and I shredded it. I read it and feel like I am pleading a case for our marriage. I refuse to do that and don't like how that makes me feel. I'm over it. I can only be true to who I am. If it isn't enough for him, it's his problem and loss. Going to bed now.

[Matt165]

Hi M,
I just want to say that all the MLCers "think" that they are or have "tried", no matter how it looks to us. My W has claimed over and over how she "tried" but to anyone else the things she says were attempts at "trying" were nothing of the sort! My W actually said that sleeping in the same bed with me (no touching or anything like that) was a huge attempt by her to save our M. It lasted about 10 days before she was back on the couch.

When I read your post about your last talk with your H one thing that I thought was that when you said to him that he either needs to work on the M or he should just leave and he was "happy" after the talk was this...he was happy because you just gave him an out for leaving. To you leaving would be a cop out, a giving up. To him it's an escape. I will also say your trust issues aren't helping. Do you really think he is having an affair? Do you really believe that there is an OW and if so what makes you think so? Because he is in an MLC he will do many odd things that seem strange to us. The wanting "privacy" like a teenager is a big one.

I'm glad you tore up the letter. It wouldn't have helped as your H isn't able to think like a normal person right now and to him it would just be more reasons not to stay. The difference between a "normal" D and D when one S is in MLC is that there really isn't any actual "reasons" that they want to end the M. One of the things that hurt me in my sitch is that the things that make my W think that she 'needs" to end our 21 year M make no sense what so ever. They are such small things that can be easily fixed if she were just willing to make any attempt. It isn't "normal" to want to end a 21 year M, break up a family, destroy a life because they don't have "romantic feelings" for the person they have been with for so long. Those feelings could easily come back if they were just willing to try. They can't try though because they aren't even able to cope with their own feelings, let alone think about how their actions are hurting someone else.

More than anything I think that if you are going to get through this, you need to get past the suspicions that there is OW. If you found out that there was I take it that would be a deal breaker for you? I understand the wanting more from your M and him, boy do I ever! But only you know when you have reached the point that you just can't take it anymore. It sounds to me like there is some hope that you can get through your H's MLC. You still do things together and seem at times to really enjoy each others company. That is a lot more than most of the LBS's here. It sounds to me it is the trust issue more than anything else that is in the way. If you can find a way to get past that I think it would go really far in helping "save" your M.

[mleigh4]

Thank you Matt and yes I agree, my trust issues are a huge problem for us. I'm not really sure what to do about it, it is getting better, I am working on it, but it still causes problems. He broke my trust, he needs to earn it back. In my darkest days, I never lied to him or hid things from him, it's not ok with me. And yes, an OW would be a deal breaker for me.

What bothers me about our talk last night is that he takes things I said and twists them to his benefit. MLC 101. I don't like that he said "we both agreed it best if I move out". He left out the most important part - that if he does not want to work on our marriage than why be here? But of course he turns it be a guilt free ticket to leave.

I thought I made it clear where I stand a couple of weeks ago. I know I may be talking to the wall, a rock, I don't know, but once again I need to make this clear! Not for H, not even for our marriage, but for ME. I am doing this with no expectations and the chance of making things worse. But when I look back, I NEED to know I did everything I could and i don't want any misunderstandings hanging over my head. Our communication is horrible, always has been, so this is what I wrote to H:

"When I ask that you talk with someone, I don't mean so much about us. I mean to have someone help you to sort our your feelings and offer some advise. I feel like you seem stuck in this one place and I can only speak from my own experience. I wish I had talked to someone when I was shut down. It would have helped me to not feel so alone and unloved, as I had felt for years. I finally figured it out on my own, but it took a really long time and left alot of damage behind. As far as working on our marriage, what I mean by that is taking things day by day. Working on being friends with an open mind and seeing where that could take us. Making changes in ourselves to be a better spouse. I don't believe in hopeless, especially when it comes to my family. That thinking is a cop out to me. Same with moving out. I did it to run and avoid facing what was happening, its a cowards way out which is why I came back to fight for what I believe in. What you decide to do is your choice and I won't stand in your way. I just felt I needed to clarify where I stand. Please do the same with me."

I did my best to not preach, not beg, I am just trying to get my point across where I stand and that I will not hand over a happy divorce/move out on a guilt free silver platter. I am ready for whatever happens, I just need something to happen and to know it is genuine. I see what seems to be H making efforts, then I wonder if it is for us, or himself? I get such mixed messages. All typical MLC behavior that drives me absolutely crazy. I spoke my peace, now I can sit back again.

[CaliGuy]

Mleigh .... if anyone gets trust issues its me .. lets face it .. we are shaken up over all this .. MLC and no trust should jus tbe accepted. Whats the saying ... believe nothing he says and 50% of what he does .. I have dropped that 50% to about 25% honestly.

You can not start to trust him until he commits to fixing the M ... he is not there yet, he is still in the tunnels, When I just started viewing my lil MLC monster as a Zombie it helped ... let him stagger around and feed until there is a cure (This cure is his journey he must do alone) All we can do ... is just try to love them through it .. and that is soooo damn hard its not funny ... and between you and me there better be a medal, party, celebration giving me the key to the city after all this or I will be pissed ... lol

You are doing well .. we all backslide, we are human, we are loving spouses who want to FIX this ... but there is no quick fix, we must gather strength and know there is no smooth road, no secret .. we have a MLC script but every single sitch is different and has different traps and trick just to try to follow ... it can drive you mad. You are doing very well .. you said a little tidbit I think you can very well build on and let it help you detach .. making that home a good environment .. if not for him, for yourself and kids, this would be a harder thing to give up ya know ... even MLC'r walks from that and finds himself alone in an apartment? Who would want that for long .. being alone with your thoughts [censored] .. I can tell you this from experience!