sometimes, the black holes inside ya

[bravo61]

Or if the same situation arises you can let her know that you feel bad for her pain and you are praying for her. You get credit without pursuing! Of course I'm no vet but that's my two cents.

[jim0987]

So this morning was another odd one. I was telling her about how well my mum's house move had gone and mentioned that my brother had got engaged. Her response was 'well we know what prompted that'

she then asked if I'd made my next mortgage appointment and I pointed out there was no reason to do this until she let me know her decision of the cash shortfall. Her response was that it can wait and form part of the divorce settlement - first time she wants divorce rather than 'I don't want to be together'

I said ok then stayed cheery and carried on talking positively about my mum's new house.

For the first time she made a big deal about being leaving my room while I got dressed.

My wedding ring appeared on my bed (first time I've seen it in weeks) I picked it up and simply said 'thankyou for returning this' she said she didnt, that D3 had found it.

I stayed calm and told my kids what I would be doing at the weekend and that I loved them and would see them Sunday. I also told D3 to be good and help mummy look after S1.

Said a polite goodbye and left. I think I did OK on a appearing like I was fine with what was happening and not letting her get to me.

She looked somewhere between incredibly sad and utterly furious when I left for work. My thought was I hope OM is worth it.

She is desperate to be away from me now and that's hard.

[jim0987]

So some specific questions if people don't mind chipping in:

1) in the M I wasn't meeting my Ws emotional needs. She felt unloved , unsupported and alone. Should that make a difference to my approach around my W? She was never alone I just don't think she knew that.

2) she is lying to me about OM. What should I do about this if anything?

3) where should I set boundaries in relation to interaction round the house. At the moment I'm trying to make sure I'm not adding any pressure or resistance so that she is comfortable but actually that means she is not really having any consequences to he decision and continuing her lack of respect for me

4) I'm still paying all the household bills inc. Mortgage. When should I stop as we earn the same. Its always been like this - I pay the fixed bills she pays the flexible only now she isn't paying the flexible because we are leading separate lives.

5) am I better to hasten the seperation so that she has to feel the pain of this or am I better when she is at home so there is more chance for positive interaction (plus I see the kids more).

6) and finally his do I know if I can ever trust her again after this. The OM and the things she has said about me are so unbelievably hurtful

Thanks for your thoughts

[Roberta]

These are very important questions and would best be answered by a Divorce Busting Coach. You are at such a crucial point in your marriage that I urge you to get the best professional help possible. Please call me to discuss our coaching program
303-444-7004.

[jim0987]

Just to add to Q1 - I realise that I should have told her everyday 'I love you and I'm proud of you' (fits with her LL) but I didn't - I hardly ever said it I just assumed she knew. I told everyone else just not her.

[Mozza]

These are very important questions and I don't really feel qualified to answer them, but I can perhaps provide an external, less involved view.

1) in the M I wasn't meeting my Ws emotional needs. She felt unloved , unsupported and alone. Should that make a difference to my approach around my W? She was never alone I just don't think she knew that.

I have a similar problem and would like to know the answer. For now, I say speak with your actions. Whenever I need to do anything for my W, like packing the kids' suitcase, I do it with care.

2) she is lying to me about OM. What should I do about this if anything?

Probably nothing. Don't talk about other people. You feed what you emphasize. She won't leave him because you mention, ask about him or disapprove. In fact, you might add spice to the whole thing (cf. Romeo and Juliet).

3) where should I set boundaries in relation to interaction round the house. At the moment I'm trying to make sure I'm not adding any pressure or resistance so that she is comfortable but actually that means she is not really having any consequences to he decision and continuing her lack of respect for me

Hard to tell without knowing the specific situation. Start thinking of you two as roommates perhaps. Don't provoke her, don't do things out of principle (I'm slightly concerned by this "respect" thing), but start with what might be obvious, like alternating certain tasks.

4) I'm still paying all the household bills inc. Mortgage. When should I stop as we earn the same. Its always been like this - I pay the fixed bills she pays the flexible only now she isn't paying the flexible because we are leading separate lives.

Yes, on this I'd try to make a quick arrangement. Open a joint account, contribute equally and pay everything from there. I find your arrangement (fixed/flexible) to be slightly strange already, as it opens the door to a lot of unbalance.

5) am I better to hasten the seperation so that she has to feel the pain of this or am I better when she is at home so there is more chance for positive interaction (plus I see the kids more).

I wish I knew. My W left 9 days after I relented, so I barely had to live through this. I'd say that things will get worse before they get better. She won't fall back in love with you under the current situation. And it makes it impossible for you to detach. Think of reconciliation as a circuit where you need to go the distance to come back to your departure point (M) changed. You can never win the race by staying on the departure/arrival lane.

6) and finally his do I know if I can ever trust her again after this. The OM and the things she has said about me are so unbelievably hurtful

Same here. I came to think that I will know in due time, as much as I would like to know now where is the boundary. Perhaps you shouldn't rush an answer on this, just wait it out. Also, stop asking her to express her thoughts on your R or the OM. They can only be hurtful now and may change tomorrow.

Hopefully others, especially vets, will contribute more expertise.

[Mozza]

Just to add to Q1 - I realise that I should have told her everyday 'I love you and I'm proud of you' (fits with her LL) but I didn't - I hardly ever said it I just assumed she knew. I told everyone else just not her.

Take a look at my own sitch. We need to learn from this, to tell them when the opportunity arises "I would do a lot of things differently", and to speak with our actions. Right now, if you really want to show that you understand her, it's likely by giving her the space that she wants. This is showing her you're listening. I think it's 25yearsmlc (a former WAW herself) who said she was creeped out by the niceties of her LBH during the separation.

[jim0987]

Thanks mozza

I've only mentioned OM three times so far.
Once when I asked her if there was someone else - her response was its not about that
2nd I was really upset and at my deepest its all my fault stage where I said I can understand why you would want someone else
3rd - I was really cross and knew about OM, MIL said 'you need to move on' I said 'she already has to (name)' her response was 'you've hacked my FB page'

On the respect thing I kind of let her walk all over me but then resented it. Now I'm doing the same but not resenting it so much - she won't find me attractive until she respects me and its how to build that back up.

The finances I've always been fine with. As soon as I get paid a big chunk goes into a joint account to pay all the bills by direct debit and build up some savings. I leave myself an allowance to see me through the month. My W then more actively manages all the rest of the money to buy food/nappies etc. She also controlled all the savings. Seems odd that she thinks I didn't trust her - I don't know if she felt pressured by the finance arrangements. She never said if she did.

I've asked to many times about R but not actually that much

[jim0987]

Moving over to a new thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2500518#Post2500518