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Wow. Good insights.

Love Payson, thanks for the tip.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Hi everyone.

Well, things have continued to improve at a very decent pace. At times, I am genuinely shocked. I often wonder if this is "too good to be true".

I can't underscore what I am about to say enough - but, there has been a major revelation about some SEVERE childhood traumas that plagued her for nearly a decade of her life. Really, really, nasty stuff that, without a doubt, played a role in our marriage. For all intents and purposes, she literally locked away nearly all of these events and the memories surrounding them - her IC basically assigned it as PTSD - which I think is a very accurate description based upon the severity of the events. She is working through them in a brave, impressive manner and I am doing my best to support her.

To my TOTAL shock and surprise, she said the other night that the traumas in her life played such a role in our marriage that the divorce wasn't really my fault. I still accept my role - I was a contributor for certain....but there was MAJOR damage she was lugging around that I had no idea about. Just to hear her say that was a moment in which my soul could actually breath after the last 3 years.

I, like many, asked on this board what ever happened to the GOOD memories that she had of us. She basically told me this week that in order to do what she felt she had to do she had to lock away ANY and all good memories of me. That made sense. So....we have been keeping a journal together where we both will jot down positive memories that we have with each other. It has been very helpful.

I am keeping my IC up, and our JC as well.....we are doing great, dare I say! smile

Crimson

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Crim,
I'm so happy to hear a positive story. As someone that is facing D, do u you have any insights you would care to share on my sitch? Oh BtW, Roll TIDE! Love your handle!!


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

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Well, to clarify, "Crimson" is for "Cream and Crimson" - a la Indiana University. Though I do have a Tide friend or two -and they are virtually unbearable during football season.

With regard to your pending divorce? The best advice that I can give you based on what I have been through is so peacefully accept that it is going to happen. As a coping strategy, you might want to even treat it as if it already has and begin defining your post-marriage life.

Does that mean give up? Nope.

Does that mean slide into depression? Nope.

What it means is something that you already know -- the marriage/relationship that you once knew is dead and even if you reunite it will never be back again the way you knew it.

Also, and I got this advice a lot, remember that D is just a point in time...another day....just a process and a set of signatures on paper. You are already living the reality of divorce for the most part. If you divorce on a Monday, the sun will come up again on Tuesday and you will keep moving forward, my friend.

Crimson

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Originally Posted By: Crimson
Hi everyone.

Well, things have continued to improve at a very decent pace. At times, I am genuinely shocked. I often wonder if this is "too good to be true".

I can't underscore what I am about to say enough - but, there has been a major revelation about some SEVERE childhood traumas that plagued her for nearly a decade of her life. Really, really, nasty stuff that, without a doubt, played a role in our marriage. For all intents and purposes, she literally locked away nearly all of these events and the memories surrounding them - her IC basically assigned it as PTSD - which I think is a very accurate description based upon the severity of the events. She is working through them in a brave, impressive manner and I am doing my best to support her.

To my TOTAL shock and surprise, she said the other night that the traumas in her life played such a role in our marriage that the divorce wasn't really my fault. I still accept my role - I was a contributor for certain....but there was MAJOR damage she was lugging around that I had no idea about. Just to hear her say that was a moment in which my soul could actually breath after the last 3 years.

I, like many, asked on this board what ever happened to the GOOD memories that she had of us. She basically told me this week that in order to do what she felt she had to do she had to lock away ANY and all good memories of me. That made sense.

I guess she's saying that she had to vilify you, to leave. Okayyy but what happens the next time she's deeply wounded by you? I mean, chances are even YOU will get annoying or on her nerves...


So....we have been keeping a journal together where we both will jot down positive memories that we have with each other. It has been very helpful.

I am keeping my IC up, and our JC as well.....we are doing great, dare I say! smile

Crimson


We are all pulling for you! blush

Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 11/03/14 10:26 AM.

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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So what should I be doing, then, 25? Trust me - I do not say that with and ounce of snark -- I honestly don't know. I am going to IC to deal with the type of things that you identified - she is going to IC for the same, and we are going to joint MC (though not "M'd") to try to find our footing. The standing order right now from our MC is communicate, communicate, communicate....something we both did not do well.

Hopefully, as it relates to your question, we are driving toward a point where the annoyances and nerve-wracking (which yes, will occur) will not push us to the brink again because we are working on developing healthier skills.

There is a lot to plow through, and I am charging forward with love and compassion for myself, her, and our son. But yeah, I struggle at times.

Crimson

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Is there anyone of her family who know about her experiences as a child?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi - her sister, who also lives here. They were both subjected to the same abuse. She has recently confronted her mother about is - so she know. Her mother was at BEST oblivious to it...possibly complicit, and possibly allowed it on her watch, as the abuse was at the hands of her partner who was positioned as a "friend" for that 10 year period. I am not sure if her dad knows -- but I suspect he at least suspected it at a minimum. According to XW, his quote many years ago was "I might have seen something"...and "if I would have known I would have gotten you girls out of there earlier"....meaning ending the marriage.

It is really rough stuff.

Crimson

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If I may touch on this topic as a L and as a "witness" to something similar, maybe she ought Not to confront her mom so much

as it will not really help to have her mother 1) admit she knew but was not strong OR concerned enough to stop it,

OR

2) did not know b/c she chose not to or was oblivious to it, in which case, how does airing it all now help?

3) her mom really did not know, and the Guilty Party lied well enough that its reasonable for her mother not to have known...if that is the case, why guilt her, NOW?

Just tell her what happened and move on with healing.
If it were me (as the mother, not the child), I'd need some counseling myself.

I cannot imagine the mother NOT feeling blamed...and that's crucial for your w to understand.

Does she really need to blame her mom? What else is all the disclosure for?


If she does want to hold her mom to blame, Why? Who is helped? Who is hurt?

If she says she does Not wish to hold her mom responsible, then why keep at it with her mom?

Why not just work to exorcise it within herself, and maybe let her sister and she support each other through it?

Also, never let yourself get lumped in with "men are pigs" comparisons.

She probably won't consciously do it, but look where you are...
You will need to ask the MC how to make sure you are NOT blamed in ANY way, again.

I say that b/c I think at least at a subconscious level, your xw DID overreact to your transgressions out of a neurotic fear, somewhat explained by her history,

which she only now chose to reveal to you. That was and is UNFAIR to you.

Sad as her experiences were, and I know what that's like, you were victimized by HER failure to address it. Don't forget not to be a victim again.

Make sense?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Posts: 1,326
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Crimson Offline OP
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Hi 25!

I think for her, confronting her mother on it gives her a sense of "moving on" - if that makes sense. And let me clarify - there was no heated, yelling confrontation. Rather, a brief series of text messages in which she basically told her that she has unlocked old memories about everything that happened and that he suggests that she go get counseling. Which, her mom is doing. I know that she is not out for a pound of flesh - she is more interested in her own healing and I think part of that for her was informing her mother. For now, she is keeping her distance from her as she works her way through it. I think she just wanted her mom to acknowledge that it happened because she has lived her entire life NOT doing that. I kind of liken it to that scene in Forest Gump where Jenny goes back to the house that she grew up in and was abused and started throwing rocks at it -- and collapses in tears in the dirt -- and then Forest says in the voice-over "I guess sometimes there just aren't enough rocks".

As far as "men are pigs" goes, it wasn't a man. It was a very masculine gay woman. Hence, looking in the rearview she has had some very pronounced gender-role issues that ALWAYS existed. As well as issues when people make jokes about a straight person being gay (which is basically an olympic sport for guys). Remember she once out of the blue said to me "You have to promise me that you're not gay" -- after meeting a friend of mine. But then refused to tie it back to her childhood in any way?

The more that I research, talk to my C, and talk to her - it is becoming clear that she was not deliberately hiding it from me. She clearly had PTSD and had erased the memories - which is not uncommon for survivors of that kind of abuse. After a few difficult things happened during this reconciliation attempt, it all came back....and I mean it REALLY came back. It's like she had taken all of that, locked it in a safe, and swallowed it whole. The safe sure as hell wasn't airtight and bits and pieces of that pain came out throughout our relationship....explosive temper at times...inability to communicate and show affection....social withdraw.....I could go on. My C has told me a million times that pain does not go away -- it just comes out in other places/ways. As you implied, 25, this abuse was a third member of our marriage that I did not know about.

We are trying to heal our M, and I am trying to help her heal and cope with all that is coming back to her. I must admit, however, that it is exhausting -- any thoughts on how to support someone through this would be appreciated. Especially when working on the R.

Crimson

Last edited by Crimson; 11/03/14 09:18 PM.
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