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Zimmy Offline OP
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Thank you!!!!! I needed that! We should start a thread of OP karma stories...

How did you know that you had had enough? Do you think your husband has regrets?


Engaged Aug 2009
Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010
Happily re-engaged July 2012
Discovery of affair July 2014
Separated July 2014
Fiancé is confused about whom to choose
Chose the OW Oct 2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
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Zimmy Offline OP
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It appears that a lot of folks here have been abducted by aliens... and they all came back brainwashed with the same script. If you are going to go bonkers, at least be original...!


Engaged Aug 2009
Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010
Happily re-engaged July 2012
Discovery of affair July 2014
Separated July 2014
Fiancé is confused about whom to choose
Chose the OW Oct 2014
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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We are all quite predictable unfortunately just in unpredictable ways. I never thought I was so obvious but turns out there is a book basically written about all my screwups.

It sounds like your hurting a lot, and that us perfectly normal. I go through cycles on this but my positive progress is when I focus on me and my issues - making me a better person.

And the more crazy and miserable my W gets the more confident I feel. That might sound harsh and vindictive but it supports the 'don't believe what they say and only half of what they do'

They are trying to escape something but chances are in the same way my insecurity was in me - what they are trying to escape is in them.

Last edited by jim0987; 10/24/14 07:34 AM.

Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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Hi Zimmy, I'd bet my bottom dollar she isn't his soulmate! Although, he may well be thinking that she is at this point in time. Also, bear in mind that in his R with her, he may be getting a need filled that wasn't filled in your R. And, hard as it is, that is an important thing to think about. Not just if you want you and he to potentially have a future - but for your own understanding of - why did this happen to us?! And as learning for future loving R's.

My H and I did have a number of talks about what happened and why. And I was glad of his honesty (many S's aren't honest at that point) and glad to understand more.

You are talking as though this is the end of your R - and I can understand that as it can all seem pretty bleak at this point for us all. But if you don't want it to be, this needn't be 'the end' - Presume if you haven't read DB & DR, you will do. I found DR better...

Main thing for now is 'coping' and having a sustainable plan for the next few months whilst you see how things unfold. One big piece of advice I followed is not to make any huge decisions about our R in the first 3 months of 'trauma' - make those sorts of decisions calmly and with plenty of thought. You don't want to look back and think - could I have done more to save our R. You want to be happy with your own part in this.

Toots x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thanks for updating us, Zimmy. I was wondering what was up. I would be dreading that phone call if I were you because I can barely handle any interaction with my W. Good luck, really.

I can tell you're hurting and here you find a lot of us who have a lot of empathy. We know that feeling in the morning because we've felt it every day for weeks already. Sometimes, I give myself a good, loud and physical cry. Can't say if it helps, but I wouldn't do without them.

As there will be some time before any of the dust settles, I encourage you to take a hard look at your R with WAH. Like all of us, you focus on what's positive because it feels that's what will make them stay. It leaves you wondering: Things were so great, how could he leave? You're right: if things were as good as in our memories right now, they wouldn't have left. To understand what happened and what we can do differently in the future (perhaps with them), we need a more comprehensive understanding of our R. It's not a step away from them, it's a step on the path to better, long lasting relationships.

Hugs.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Oh zimmy I can tell you're hurting. You're right, our situations are very similar. From how you describe his many pullbacks from getting married, it does sound like he has some insecurity issues. You sound like a real go-getter, and I think you're on to something when you say that OW might have lower standards in a man. I'd bet that he feels less pressured by her (of course, all WAS feel less pressure from their APs, that's kindof the whole point), and sees a life with her where he doesn't have to sort his issues out. That is 100% what my W is doing right now.

I don't get the sense that this is over, at all. But I think we are in similar positions where we know what we want, and it might just be a lot longer before our WAS figure out what it is they want. Look for the silver lining in your separation, he now has the true opportunity to miss you. That's what I'm struggling with, a cake eating W who won't/can't leave, and is only digging her hole deeper. You are smart, you've got your kit together, you know what you've gotta do right now. It's ok to express your emotions, and feel the profound sadness and confusion, but once you've run thru all of those thoughts, the best thing you can do for yourself and your potential new R is to get out and do Zimmy better than you ever have. We all believe in you here!

Also, google "affair fog" and read the article that comes up first about its chemical components. You will find it describes your man to a T.


M: 33
W: 33
M: 9 T: 10
3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5
BD: 8/3/14
Living together
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Zimmy Offline OP
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Thanks Mozza and 1foot2. It's nice to correspond with others who understand what I'm dealing with and feeling. I can't help but hope that someday he will come to his senses. But there is so much broken glass now, and tomorrow I am moving out of our wonderful house likely never to see it again. Why did he have to do this? My heart is broken. I want to believe in the fairytale movie ending, where one day he wakes up, has a WTF moment, and moves heaven and earth to find me, apologize and beg me to take him back. But he is so far from that now, it seems impossible. It's like he has put me and all our memories in a shoe box and shoved them in the back of his brain closet so he doesn't have to deal with them and the reality of his actions.

I know that no relationship is perfect on either side, but no matter what I may have done wrong, nothing justified this outcome in my situation.


Engaged Aug 2009
Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010
Happily re-engaged July 2012
Discovery of affair July 2014
Separated July 2014
Fiancé is confused about whom to choose
Chose the OW Oct 2014
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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"It's like he has put me and all our memories in a shoe box and shoved them in the back of his brain closet so he doesn't have to deal with them and the reality of his actions."

This is exactly what he's done.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Originally Posted By: Zimmy
I know that no relationship is perfect on either side, but no matter what I may have done wrong, nothing justified this outcome in my situation.
Yes, I feel the same and this feeling has been echoed several times here. I also just had a realization today that might be relevant to your situation: the reason they might come back is not the past, it's the future of the R. No matter the beautiful moments, if our spouses don't see more of them in the future, they won't come back. That's why one of the DB principles is:

Originally Posted By: sandi2
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc.
So work on ways to create more beautiful moments in the future by working on yourself, by becoming a better person.

Good luck with the move. It will be difficult. I'll have a thought for you tomorrow.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
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Zimmy Offline OP
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Thanks guys! So good to hear from you all! It's so nice to get responses! Makes me feel like I can cope and I am not crazy and alone.

Agree that I can use this time to be a better person and hope that he somehow notices through telepathy...

My therapist says he will need to dig out the old shoe box someday and this Tory isn't over, but we'll see.

I will tell everyone two more datapoints that give hope:

1. My parents had a really tough relationship due to financial pressures and alcoholism. They got divorced, my dad got remarried to a woman he was crazy about, who turned out to be crazy, and ultimately my parents got back together 4 years later and are still together. They have there ups and downs but work well together.

2. Just heard a story today about one of my colleagues who came home from a business trip only to find his house emptied and his fiancé gone with no warning. Wedding was canceled. My colleague, in a drastic move, took a job in Saudi Arabia a month later and left without telling the WAS. After about 6 months she realized the error of her decision and they got back together, got married and are now happy with 4 kids...


Engaged Aug 2009
Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010
Happily re-engaged July 2012
Discovery of affair July 2014
Separated July 2014
Fiancé is confused about whom to choose
Chose the OW Oct 2014
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